Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

Turning 30: What I Wish I'd Known

2012-01-24T13:00:00.000-08:00

One of my good friends is about to turn 30. She asked me if there was any information I could share with her that I wish I'd known at that age. That question alone is one of the many reasons I love this girl. Here's what I told her. Please feel free to add anything you think I left out.

Turning 30 is a milestone in a woman's life. It's not the end. In fact, it's more like the beginning. With that in mind, here are a few things I wish I knew when I reached it.

1. Have standards. That means that there should be some non-negotiables in your life. If drugs/smoking/etc. go against your personal code of ethics, don't settle for a person who engages those things just so you can say you have someone.

2. You are worth more than the sum of your parts. Guys will praise you for your body, but keep in mind that you have a brain that works quite well. If a man can't come up with more than, "You so fine," keep it moving.

3. Sometimes it's good to be alone. If you've jumped from relationship to relationship, you may need some time alone to figure out exactly who you are, what you want, and what you DON'T want from life, love, and career.

4. Try new things. I think we tend to look to our friends for validation in our 20s, which means that if our friends laugh at our ideas, we'll back off. Don't. Try that new restaurant. Take that class. Learn how to swim/knit/etc. Everything you try won't stick, but at least you'll know first-hand how you feel about whatever it is.

5. Surround yourself with positive people. Don't allow anyone in your circle that drains the life out of you. Am I saying be around people who think/talk/act like you? Not necessarily. You need some differing opinions in your camp to get different perspectives. However, if they love you, they'll know how to disagree without being disagreeable...and how to speak in love.

Out With the Old...In With the New

2011-12-27T23:25:00.000-08:00

So 2011 is slowly but surely coming to a close. If you're like me, you're taking these last few days to reflect on this year...and trying to figure out what you can do to make the next year better.

As I've said before, 2011 has been a year that really defies words. Between losing people I love to changing jobs, I'm still not able to talk about it. When I am, believe me, you'll be the first to know.

What I can talk about is what I'd like to see in 2012. I'd like to lick this weight problem once and for all. I want to commit to myself in a way I haven't before. That means daily exercise, cooking, and shopping on a weekly basis. I don't know if I'll be able to maintain all that, but it's a goal.

I also want to decorate my apartment. Since I've been in LA, I've moved five times. Naturally, I haven't felt stable. But now that I'm in my 40s, I need to have a place I'm proud to bring people to. I need to be able to have company whenever I want. So, I'm gonna make this place like home. I've already bought one of those dispensers for my toilet rolls and a bathroom scale. I've never had those before. Also, I found some cute things for my walls...AND (this is the biggie) I have living room furniture. An actual loveseat and chair! Beige leather, very good condition...and only $60. (Yes, it was an awesome deal and yes, I'm feeling pretty sexy about myself right now.)

And finally, I want to start saving money. I've never been good at that because I'm a shopaholic. But this year, I want to commit to saving at least $20 a week. I know it's not much, but it's a start. And for me, it's huge.

I guess what I ultimately want for myself is to act like the grownup I'm supposed to be. And I want to be the kind of person that someone would want to love. That's what's most important to me...to work on being the best me I can be while I wait for my Mr. Wonderful.

I'm Loving Again

2011-12-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

It's been a minute since I posted, and I apologize for that one. It's been a crazy year, and it's been hard to put into words what's been going on with me.

After my last post, I really thought I'd given up on love. I have since changed my mind (as I knew I would). And this particular blog really put it all in perspective for me. Check it out here.

I'll be back soon to share my thoughts. Love you, and Merry Christmas.

Giving Up

2011-10-12T01:10:00.001-07:00

There comes a time in every woman's life when she finally realizes that all hope is gone. And that time has come for me. After hoping and wishing and praying for a boyfriend, I'm giving up the ghost. Even though I have an unlimited amount of unconditional love to give, I am fast approaching the "I don't give a damn" space.

This is new for me. I try to be the eternal optimist. I work hard to see the positive in every situation. But after looking at the abyss that is my life, I just can't. My body will never be beautiful in that Hollywood, plastic surgery kind of way. No matter how hard I try, I just can't fit into anyone's definition of beautiful. And to top it off, I'm a 40-year-old workaholic with bad credit. What man in his right mind would want me?

I know this all sounds hopeless and pessimistic. That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning. Stay tuned...

Another Transistion

2011-10-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

Summer 2011 will certainly go down as one of the craziest in my life. Honestly, there are no other words to describe what's been going on with me.

I went on vacation at the beginning of August. I decided to go to New York on a buddy pass. For those of you who've never flown on a buddy pass, it's a perk for airlines employees to give to their friends and family so they can travel cheaply. The only drawback is that you don't have a guaranteed seat, which means that if someone has paid full price for a ticket, they can bump you off the flight. I'll spare you all the details, but let's just say ya girl went on a cross-country tour to get to New York, with stops in Oakland, Vegas, Denver, and Chicago. I left on Saturday morning and arrived Sunday night. Whew!

New York was great -- as always. I was able to work and kick it with my peeps, which was really awesome. And I was able to do a little standup. (I found out that the jokes that work in LA do NOT work in NYC -- but that's another story for another time.) Everything was going great until the last day. I was hanging out with my friends, playing cards and getting drunk. Then my phone rang, and it was my boss. She called to inform me that I was one of five people being let go due to budget cuts. While she said she hated to give me this news on the phone, she wanted me to know so I wouldn't have to rush back to LA. Uh...thanks!!?!!

So, after a year and a half of working full-time, I'm back in the unemployed basket again. I'd like to say that I was able to put it all in perspective, bounce back, and move on. That, unfortunately, was not the case. I got extremely depressed. With the exception of going to my part-time job, I pretty much stayed in bed for the entire month of August. I looked online for work, but it was a slow-go all around. It didn't help that one of my co-workers started working the next week after the layoffs.

Since my financial situation changed, I didn't really know what I was going to do. At first, I thought I wanted to return to New York. After all, LA isn't home for me, and it's hard to be alone when you're going through a crisis. So my initial plan was to pack and/or sell my stuff, and just go back to the familiar. My homegirl was like, "You can stay here until you figure it out." And it was very tempting. But something in my gut was telling me to stay here. After all, I came to LA because God told me there was something here for me.

And here's the funny thing...when I decided that no one really cared about me being here, all my friends on this coast decided to step up. My choir director and his wife gave me enough money to cover my car note. Who does that??? And then, one of my church members offered me a room in her house so I could figure it out. It was all so sweet.

Of course, the main reason I want to leave LA is that I'm so freakin' lonely. I'm used to not having a boyfriend. But it's hard to make it when you don't have someone to hang with. If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know that I suffer with being by myself in the "good" times. So I was pleasantly surprised when one of my girlfriends here gave me a call. She basically had been guilted into it by one of our mutual friends, but it still felt good. At this point, we've been hanging out really tough.

And, guess what? I now have a full-time job! One of my former co-workers told me about an opening at her current company, and I got the job. The pros: It's a radio job that gets me all the way back to my roots in the business, which is really good right now. I need to sharpen my skills so that I'll be more marketable in my industry. Also, it'll allow me to keep my apartment. The cons: It doesn't pay as much as my other job. And the content of this particular station is...questionable, to say the least. Stay tuned...

“I’m not a Republican”

2011-09-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

There comes a point in every friendship where you have to decide whether it’s best to be honest. And that point came for me today.

See, I live in America. As a Black woman. There’s no way I’ll align myself with anyone who’s sole purpose is to make my life a living hell. And that’s what I believe the Republican Party is out to do. First of all, they have no compassion whatsoever for anyone who’s not rich. They’d rather take care of the business owners than take care of the workers. They have no interest anything or anyone that doesn’t generate revenue.

Furthermore, they want to tamper with reproductive rights. That’s a problem to me. Understand that I’m pro-life all day long. The way I see it, people have sex all the time and don’t get pregnant. So when they do, I believe that God has a divine purpose for that baby.

However, I understand that everyone doesn’t share my feelings. And I don’t think a woman should have to be butchered in a back alley if she chooses to abort a baby. Would you like to pay for a youthful mistake for the rest of your life? Now, I’m not for women using abortion as birth control, but that’s another story altogether.

Anyway, I was riding to choir rehearsal with my neighbor/director when he asked me about the GOP debate that’s scheduled for tomorrow night. I’m not planning to watch it because I think all of the candidates are full of it. I may watch at a later date just to see the foolishness (much like I find myself drawn to Maury or Jerry Springer), but overall, I have other more intelligent and interesting ways to spend my time.

He started talking about how Rick Perry was probably going to be the man. And I do believe he’ll get the Republican nomination. However, I don’t like Rick Perry. And I said as much. He then asked me why. I couldn’t bring myself to say that I think the governor of Texas is a racist bigot who’d like to see all Black people rounded up and shipped back to Africa. I couldn’t tell him that I believe that women’s rights will be exponentially set back with a Perry administration. And health care would be distant memory, to say the least.

So I told him, point blank, that I’m not a Republican. He got quiet, but he didn’t stop talking. That’s a good thing. I know that I’m singing on the praise team at an ultra-conservative church. But I do not now – nor will I ever – throw my hat into the Republican ring. Just won’t do it.

Now, let’s see how these folks in my White Life will feel about having a Democrat in the midst. Promises to be interesting...

Another Admission...

2011-07-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

I'm realizing that comedy is hard. It's hard to make people laugh, true, but the real hard part is exposing the tragedies of your life.

This blog has been my therapy for the last three years. Without it, I think I would've gone completely mad. Yet, for all that I release on these pages, there's so much more that I keep locked away in my heart. Furthermore, I don't tell many people about this blog. The majority of the people who read this have never met me. I don't even use my real name.

Comedy is a genre that demands honesty. You have to be real to be likeable. And that reality can be too much for a private person like myself. I don't want to tell people about the ugly parts of my life...the loneliness, the anxiety, and the general malaise that makes up MackDiva. Now I'm considering a career that puts everything you think and feel on display. Am I crazy? What made me think I'd be okay to do this?

If I'm completely honest with myself, I think exposing myself may be the best thing I can do for me. The reason I've never done it before? Plain ol', unadulterated fear. I'm always scared that when people see the real me...the chick I keep hidden...they won't love me. At this point, I'm realizing that they don't love me now...so who really cares?

I guess I do. But I'm trying to push past it all to get to where I need and ultimately want to be. *sigh*

A Star is Born

2011-07-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

I really don't have time to post today, but I couldn't leave you hanging, dear reader. As I told you, my comedic debut was Tuesday night...and it was very cool. My set was tight, I wasn't as nervous as I thought I'd be, and the people laughed. It was magical to me, and I'm excited.

Now for the really cool part. As a result of that performance, I now have a chance to perform at The World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood! The show will be on Wednesday, July 27th at 8pm in The Belly Room. It's what's known as a "bringer" show. That means that I have to bring at least 5 people to get a spot on the bill. So, if you're in the LA area, feel free to come and support the Macklicious One in her comedic endeavors.

Thanks, y'all!

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programs.

Ms. Saturday Night

2011-07-17T01:38:00.000-07:00

Here I am, another Saturday night. In my house. Alone...and hungry. This time, I got my hair braided and had lunch with a friend. After that, I came home and promptly fell asleep.

I'm a little nervous. In three days, I'm going to make my debut as a comedian. I started taking a class six weeks ago, and Tuesday is our "graduation." My teacher is a successful comedian, and he's given us all the tools we need to be great. And I've tried to come up with some funny stuff...and I think I've succeeded. However, I'd be lying if I told you that my nerves aren't shot. And the thought of getting up in front of people is wearing me out.

Still...I'm excited. I'm doing something that most people just dream about. And like I said, I think my stuff is pretty funny. If you're in the Los Angeles area and are in the mood for a good giggle, you can come to our showcase at The Comedy Union, 5040 West Pico Blvd, Los Angeles, CA , (323)934-9300. It starts at 8pm...come check us out.

Finally...Someone Who Feels Like I Do!

2011-07-12T21:11:00.001-07:00

I found an article on the Huffington Post that perfectly summed up what I've been feeling about the whole children/marriage thing, and I wanted to share it with you. Check it out and tell me what you think.

The only component she didn't address is the faith factor. I believe God intends for us to be married before we have kids. And before you go off the deep end, I'm not knocking single parents at all. My mother raised me solo, and I'm thankful for it. And I know a lot of wonderful mothers -- and fathers -- who are doing the best they can for the children. However, most of the single parents I know aren't that way by choice. Life circumstances made the situation necessary.

For me, I want to have a family...not just babies. And I'm willing to wait.

An Admission...

2011-07-03T00:26:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of being alone. There, I said it.

It's Saturday night, and I'm watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy. (Sidebar: NOT the show to watch when love has avoided your life like the plague.) I originally planned to hang out with one of my platonic guy friends tonight at the concert of one of my favorite singers. (Another sidebar: NOT the kind of date you want when your bed is cold.) What ended up happening? The concert was sold out. And my early hair appointment, comedy class, and training session caught up with me...and knocked me out cold. By the time I woke up at 11:15, it was too late for dinner...dancing...anything.

And now I'm hungry. I'm thinking about getting dressed and heading to an all-night diner. But there's nothing more pathetic than a lonely, single woman eating by herself in the wee hours of the morning. Sure, I could always put on my freakum dress with my FMQ pumps, and pretend that I'm waiting for someone to meet me. But who's going through that much trouble for diner food?

So I rummaged through my fridge and found some sweet potato chips to munch on. Still not satisfied. On either level. *sigh*

Seriously?

2011-06-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

After living in LA for over four years, I'm convinced that good men are hiding. Where, I'm not sure. Don't get me wrong...I'm sure that there are guys in this town who are treating their women with respect and giving them da business. However, I haven't been fortunate enough to make their acquaintance. The guys I've met seem to be extremely selfish with absolutely no regard for what a woman needs. From what I can tell, it's all about them and their satisfaction.

The latest guy I met seems destined for that category. Comedian Boy didn't actually approach me. Instead, he slipped me his card. I was intrigued, so I emailed him. A few exchanges later, we were on the phone. His conversation was okay...mostly sarcastic, though. After I giggled a bit, we made tentative plans to hang out. Note that I didn't say, "go on a date." It ended up being a group affair...which was fine. I had a good time -- which I needed because I was deep in mourning. When the night was over, everyone went their separate ways, and that was it for me.

Fast forward to earlier this week. He says he wants to go for a drink. I said, "Well, where would you like to meet up?" He replied, "Oh, I wanted you to come to my place." Uh...seriously? He thought I was going to come to his house for liquor -- and God only knows what else –- when there had been no proper date? Absolutely not. The way I see it, if you're not willing to be seen in public with me, I will NOT allow you to visit my promised land. I politely declined his offer and went on my merry way.

Yesterday, I received the following text from him: "Yo, 'ho. And I mean that in a nice way because it rhymes." Although I should've just deleted his contact info from my phone, I decided to use this as a teachable moment. I replied, "You could've said, "Hi, Sweetie Pie," because it rhymes, too." He then replied with several rhyming inquiries, like, "What's shakin', bacon," "What up, duck," and my personal favorite, "What's going down, clown."

I'm done.

Not Again...My Tribute to Toni

2011-06-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, June 23rd, Toni Michelle Henderson, lost her battle with diabetes. She was 40 years old.

I met Toni in 1990. We were both transfer students. She was from San Antonio and had a wicked wit. She and the other big city girls made fun of my tiny hometown in the outback of Texas. They got a kick out of making me the butt of their country jokes. I hated it, and I hated them for it. But eventually, I learned to look past all that. She was the one who taught me how to play spades because I wanted to meet guys...and the only way to do it was to be able to play cards and talk trash in the lobby. I hadn't learned at home because my grandmother thought cards were of the devil. We also sang in the gospel choir together. She wasn't great at it, but what she lacked in skill she made up for in enthusiasm.

A lack of financial aid forced Toni to leave school after a year, but our bond was already forged. Over the years, we hung out all over the country -- in Dallas, New York, and Las Vegas. I sang in her wedding, and she was there for me at Granny's funeral. Oh, and the conversations! I have to be thankful that we live in the nationwide calling plan age. If not, we'd both be broke.

Toni had diabetes when I met her. And even though she'd started to go down these past few years...losing her sight and enduring dialysis three times a week...I never knew just how much she suffered. That's because she kept that from me. She didn't want anyone to know what kind of pain she was going through. Instead, she always looked good when I saw her. We'd laugh and talk like the old friends we were. She never spoke of her troubles, and if I asked, she'd skillfully divert the conversation.

I have to say that my friend was a master of keeping up appearances. In fact, I thought she looked great when I saw her last month. I met her and our other friend at a midnight screening of Jumping the Broom. We laughed so hard...at the movie and at each other. When we parted, I thought I'd get to have lunch with her later on that weekend. But that didn't happen, and I said to myself, "I'll just catch her next time."

But God had another plan. In the end, Toni suffered two strokes that rendered my brilliant, feisty, and funny friend a vegetable. The doctors said that if she'd lived, she would've been relegated to the nursing home for the rest of her life. I know she didn't want to live like that -- we'd discussed it on several occasions. So in the end, she slipped quickly to the other side. I was glad because I couldn't bear the thought of her suffering anymore than she already had.

And so I pay tribute to Toni Michelle Henderson, whose presence and personality was larger than life. Her song was stilled way too soon, but I'll continue to sing in her place. Rest well, my sister, and I'll see you on the other side.

Toni Michelle Henderson
October 20, 1970-June 23, 2011

2011-05-26T13:25:00.000-07:00

This is still hard. Even though I'm doing my best to move on, I see that my situation is fragile.

I don't know why I thought losing you would be easy. I guess in my mind, I didn't realize how much I missed seeing your face. And I didn't realize how much you meant to me. Now that I won't be able to giggle with you again, your true significance is settling in.

When I started working for you, I was still trying to navigate a new normal in a new city. You were a friend to me when I didn't have any...and you were sweet to me. Not in the romantic sense, though. Even though I had a massive crush on you, I knew we'd never be like that. Instead, you helped me navigate that first year.

I'll never forget how you made the kids say wish me a happy birthday in rap session. You knew I was having a hard time being away from my family, and you did your part to make my day special. And I guess that's what it is...the small ways you made a difference.

Did we always agree? Absolutely not. The one thing I regret: I never got to make it right with you after The Incident. Yes, I apologized for my part in it. But I never got to look into your eyes to see if you still loved me. Even though it hurt me, I just thought I'd have forever to make amends.

So yes, this won't be easy...

For my friend...

2011-05-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

I am sad. I don't want to be, but this is how it is when people die.

I knew you were sick, but who expects a man under 50 to just die -- even if you're battling cancer? And I just found out a couple of months ago. I didn't even have time to live with the idea...much less get to a place where I could accept you dying. I'm still not there.

Yet, as I open my eyes to a world you're no longer in, I don't have a choice in the matter. You're gone, and there's nothing I can do about it.

So many memories flood my mind...

The interview, when you asked me if I could work full-time in the summer and switch to part-time in the fall. I told you, "Sure, if I could move in with you. You seem nice, but I really don't know if we need to live together so soon." We both cracked up, and I knew we'd be friends.

After I got the job, I was scared to death at the thought of teaching kids about my passion. But you were confident I could do it...and you did your best to help me. I'm sure you went home many days questioning your decision to hire me -- heck, I know I did -- but you always put on a brave front with me.

When Granny died, you were so sweet to me. Since you'd lost your father, you knew what I was going through, and you handled me gently. In retrospect, I'm so glad I was working with you when it happened because I don't know if I could've made it anywhere else.

More than anything, our conversations are running through my mind. So many laughs we shared...and secrets. Both mine and yours. Because we liked the same type of things, I'd run into you all over the place. I had hoped to run into you again.

But that won't happen now because you've taken your leave of us. And it hurts me more than I want it to.

Rest in peace, dear friend.

Reflections...

2011-05-09T18:34:00.000-07:00

My heart is in a crazy place right now.

I went home to see my mother for Mother's Day. It wasn't spectacular. I did buy her some stuff and got her a custom-made card from my good friend, Janelle (whose blog is one to watch), but that wasn't anything to write home about. What made it special was that we -- my mom, my brother, and my uncle and his new wife -- were all together. It's no secret that I miss my family, but now that I've been gone over 11 years, it's not an active ache like it used to be. But when we all get together, it's truly a day of rejoicing...at least it is for me. And I remember that I miss those times.

On the flip side, one of my best friends lost his father. What's sad about that -- besides the obvious, of course -- is that he and his father never saw eye-to-eye on anything. My friend is an accomplished choir director who's know in choral music circles as one to watch. Yet his father never attended a concert. Meanwhile, Big Poppa was a simple man who owned livestock and loved all things country. My friend, on the other hand, counted himself a city-slick sophisticate who had no time for simple things. In short, their relationship was strained...and now they'll never be able to fix it.

So where does that leave me? On a plane, on my way back to my neat, sanitized little life that revolves around keeping myself together as best I can.

Now What?

2011-05-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Unless you've been under a rock in the middle of the desert with no computer, phone, or TV -- and no human contact whatsoever -- you heard about President Obama's triumph. At his direction, the world's most hated terrorist was killed.

While I'm glad to know that justice was served, my question is...now what?

I've always believed that our enemies were already here. As in, not in foreign countries. That's why I've always been against the war. I think it's more important to weed out the enemies that are already in the USA.

Still, I'm glad that Osama Bin Laden won't be allowed to spread his hate-filled rhetoric anymore. And I'm glad it happened on President Obama's watch.

But I think we'd all be remiss to think this thing is over. In fact, I personally think we need to be in prayer. Only God can save us from whatever these grief-stricken terrorists think up now.

2011-04-30T16:11:00.001-07:00

One of the hazards of putting your thoughts on paper is that they become open to analysis. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what has happened to me. One of my dear followers, Nina "Ninfamous," read my post about The Baby, and decided to weigh in on that situation. Click here to check it out.

On one hand, I have to say that I never expected anyone to read about my life and weigh in on it. Maybe I'm just naive, but I never thought anyone outside of my intimate circle of friends would care. So, I'm kind of outdone that Ms. Nina would invest her precious time. However, I do understand the necessity of it. As she so aptly points out, anyone with good sense can see the handwriting on the wall for The Baby and me. And sometimes, it takes an outside person to point out the obvious.

And let's be real...if she weighs in on my stuff...and I weigh in on hers, we both benefit from the exchange. And hopefully, someone will recognize themselves in all of this and not make a serious mistake in the process.

So, thank you, Nina, for your girl-to-girl favor. Even though it was completely unsolicited, it was on-point...and quite appreciated. Love, MackDiva

(Again, if you'd like to check out Ms. Nina, go to her blog, Nina vs. The World.)

The Baby...

2011-04-28T16:03:00.001-07:00

I heard from The Baby today.

The Baby is a young man I met at work. Nice enough guy...he's 29...new to the radio game...and tall and lanky like I like 'em. He showed up at our studios because he was caught in the throes of his format's contract negotiations. When I saw him, I was kinda speechless. Not because he was cute -- he was -- but because I NEVER see other chocolate faces at my job.

The conversation we had was one part interesting, one part amusing, but completely charming. Even though my interest in him was purely professional, we exchanged numbers. See, in addition to working as a radio engineer, he also has the inside track to this weekly show I like. For me, that was it.

We exchanged a few texts, but nothing major. Then, one day he said that we should hang out. Since I'm always down for an adventure, I accepted. We ended up spending the day at the beach. We had a good time, but there were some definite red flags for me...

For one, he didn't tip at the restaurant. Even though I frown upon that, I probably would've given him a pass until he asked, "Uh, am I supposed to tip?" Dude, you're almost 30 years old asking questions like that?

Next, he got a little too happy at Happy Hour. After lunch, we went to a bar for Happy Hour. While I like to drink as much as the next person, I don't like getting sloppy on a first date -- or with strangers. Unfortunately, The Baby didn't get this memo. He sampled every drink on the menu...and followed that with two shots of Patron.

Which leads me to my final point...

He hasn't been out of the 'hood long enough for me. When he was fully sauced up, he started talking about how it was important for him to "make it" for, "the homies who ain't here no more." What do you say to that? While I understood his point, I was at a loss for words on a first date. I was kinda like, "Uh, well...okay." To say that was an awkward moment would be an understatement.

When I finally took him home -- yeah, he's car-less, too -- I reflected on the date. Yes, we had fun because he's smart, funny, and quite ambitious. And it was nice to be out with a cutie. Most importantly, it felt nice to be desired.

But his lack of experience in social settings bothered me. He's a diamond in the rough...one who'll need a LOT of polishing. Basically, a project. And after I got through making him a man, I know he'll march his manly self off to the next chick. And I just don't have the time or energy to invest in him right now.

Still, he called. And wants to hang out again. Should I tell him that while he's a sweetheart, I don't have time to polish his rough edges? Or should I throw caution to the wind and enjoy the moment?

Stay tuned...

Am I a Prophet or What?

2011-04-27T16:31:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been so mad you wanted to spit? That's how I feel right now.

Less than 24 hours after I declared that this election season would be worse than 2008, President Barack Obama produced his long-form birth certificate to shut down Donald Trump and the rest of the Birthers. He said he did to, "satisfy the carnival barkers," and so that our country could focus on issues that really matter.

Honestly, it insults me that this issue has gone on so long. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't Obama have had to produce his birth certificate to run for any office in the first place? Last time I checked, elected officials have to be thoroughly vetted before they can declare a candidacy. And that includes verifying their places of birth.

Trump has called Barack, "the worst president in history." My question -- what country was he in from 2000 to 2008? Correct me if I'm wrong, but was Barack Obama in the White House when the stock market tanked? Where was Barack when the players in the mortgage crisis scandal were getting in place? And finally, when American citizens were on their roofs during the disgrace that was Hurricane Katrina, who was our Commander-In-Chief then? Certainly not Barack Obama. And yet, we're supposed to believe that he's the worst?

Look, Barack inherited a huge mess from his not-to-be-mentioned predecessor...a bigger one than any other president in modern history. And he's been working tirelessly -- and thanklessly -- to clean up an eight-year mess in less than four years.

And let's be real. At the end of the day, it's not about Obama's birth certificate. The issue that has the Republican Mafia riled up? The fact that there's a Black man in the White House. And honestly, I'd have a whole lot more respect for their movement if they would just admit that each and every one of their attacks is fueled by racism.

Never before in the history of our country has any president had to endure this particular kind of humiliation. It reminds me of a time when Black people had to carry their paperwork everywhere they went...in case a White person wanted to see it.

And this is a post-racial America. Go figure.

I'm Afraid: My Take on the Upcoming Election Season

2011-04-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid.

That's not normally something I admit to in mixed company. After all, the Bible tells us that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. And I completely subscribe to that. But now that election season is on the horizon, I'd be remiss to not to say...

I'm afraid.

The Republican Mafia is looking for blood at all costs. They've opposed President Obama on EVERY hand -- for any reason. If Barack said the sky was blue, it had to be green to the RM. They've opposed every helpful policy that this administration has supported. Instead of looking for bipartisan solutions, they've acted like spoiled children these last four years.

However, I draw the line on personal attacks. Yes, hate everything President Obama does from 9-5 in the White House. Dislike his policies all you want. But when you stoop to talking about his family, where he was born, and millions of other things that have absolutely no bearing on his ability to do the job for which he was elected, I have a problem.

Please understand -- I'm not someone who agrees with EVERYTHING the government does. And I appreciate and encourage healthy discourse. Even beyond that, while I'd love for everyone to subscribe to the MackDiva School of Superior Thought, I realize that our different backgrounds, experiences, etc. make this impossible.

The 2008 election was ugly. This one promises to be absolutely horrible. And I don't know if I can take it...especially now that I'm at the White church. The ultra-conservative, Southern Baptist White church that I happen to love.

Let's just say that it promises to be an interesting election season. And I'm afraid.

2011-04-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular belief, being single isn't the worst thing in the world. It isn't the best thing, either, but I'm okay with it. However, there are times when I wonder how long I'll have to endure this state.

Case in point: I was at choir rehearsal last night. (Just in case you didn't know, I started singing with a new church. It actually inspired a whole new blog.) And most of the people at this church are married with children. While I would've liked to find a place with more singles, I'm happy at this church and I really feel like it's a good fit for me in every other way.

Anyway, I was having a conversation with the choir director's wife, and subject of my marital status -- or lack thereof -- came up. Both she and the choir director think I should be with someone great, but they both agree that it'll be hard for me to find someone. Why? Because I'm intimidating.

Naturally, I wanted to know what makes MackDiva intimidating. I mean, why would any man be intimidated by a woman who's 5'1 on a good day? She told me that a lot of men can't handle my friendly demeanor and sparkling personality, combined with the fact that I'm intelligent. Even her husband said that it would be hard for a man to hang with me conversationally.

Okay...a lot of these things aren't really news to me. I've heard 'em a million times before. However, this time the source wasn't triflin' brothers. My choir director and his wife are some of the sweetest people I've ever met, and I honestly believe they want what's best for me. And I guess that's why it stung a bit more than usual.

I've spent so much time trying to figure who I am and what I want. While I'm still not completely there, I think I'm further along on my journey than I have ever been. And while I'd love to have another Mr. Wonderful to spend time with, I'm not interested in going backwards.

However, here's what I wonder: Have I worked so hard on battling my feelings of inadequacy that I've lost the war?

Change Your Mind

2011-04-04T16:07:00.000-07:00

The best piece of advice my mother gave me wasn't intentional. I was a freshman in college, and I had some friends home for the weekend. Unbeknown to me, she was quite depressed about her divorce from my stepfather. That meant that the homecooked meals most freshman got when they got home were nonexistent at my house. My friends and I were starving, so we went to my mom and said, "We're hungry." Without missing a beat, my mom looked up and said, "You need to change your mind."

At the time, my friends and I giggled because it seemed absurd for her to act like hunger could be negotiated without food. But as I've gotten older, I realize that while you can't change some circumstances, you CAN change the way you think about them.

Just thought I'd share. Stay tuned as I tie up some loose ends in some stories and share new ones...

2011-03-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

There's always that one. The one person you'd change your entire life for if they asked you to. Whether it's the first man you ever loved, the first guy who saw you naked, or the first man to bring you flowers, if he said, "Marry me, and travel with me around the world," you'd quit your job and hop on the first thing smoking.

Alas, I haven't met him yet. Actually...that's not true. I have met him. But he doesn't want me. So rather than admit that the one guy I'd leave it all for wouldn't be caught dead with me, I say we don't know each other.

I read an article this week that I found to be very informative. It was talking about how men will use any woman who allows herself to be used. And while I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I don't want that kind of life, I recognized myself in all those women. I've been there. And there are times (like today) when it would be nice to have someone around...even if they're using me.

Just in case you're wondering, this is one of those days where I'm watching Sex & The City reruns and wishing my life were different. Wishing that I had someone in my life who'd love me enough to come get me. And I miss my friends. Quiet as it's kept, when a woman has friends to commiserate with, she's usually much less lonely than when she's completely by herself.

This makes Year 4 in LA, and I still have no one to call for brunch on Sunday afternoon who's willing to chat, eat, and get crazy drunk with me. No running buddy to shop with, or have drinks with, or just chill with. And that's not good. Sometimes you need a person around who'll help you keep the lonely at bay.

So, this is how I'm feeling today. To sum it up, I'm tired of being alone...and I want to have some friends to kick it with. Period, the end.

*And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming*

The Five Commandments of Houseguests

2011-01-23T21:30:00.000-08:00

It's Sunday night, and I just put one of my girlfriends on the plane. She's a great person, but this weekend wore on me like none other. In her defense, she's in mourning. Her husband just died in September, and she's learning how to live again. They had been together since high school and now he's gone.

That being said...there was NO excuse for the way she acted this weekend. Please understand...I'm not perfect. Never have been. And now that I'm 40, I don't feel the need to apologize for it. But NO ONE gets to make me feel inferior in MY house. Absolutely not!

My house wasn't exactly in tip-top shape. I work two jobs, sing in the church choir, and try to work out with my trainer twice a week. So my house wasn't really ready for her. Then I realized that my mind wasn't ready for her, either. Even when we were in school, she wasn't the friend I could hang out with every day.

More than that, she came with the very mentality that drove me from Small Town America. In her mind, there's only one way to do things. And since I don't do things that way, it's her duty to remind me. She nagged me about driving too fast. I live in LA, and I have to keep up. I lost the car in the parking lot of the mall. How could I do that? she asked. The final straw was when she told me that I was too short to be a diva. Diva don't even start until you're 5'8. It hurt. And I finally told her to shut the hell up.

So, in light of the fiasco that was my weekend, I'm writing my Five Commandments of Houseguests...

1. Thou shalt not expect things to be like they are at your home.
One of the things that my friend complained about was my bed. I don't have furniture yet. (I know it's been 6 months, but I just can't find what I want in my price range.) Anyway, the comfy bed that makes me happy made her back hurt because it was too soft. I get that...but this is what I have. If you need everything to like it is at your house, stay there.

2. Thou shalt not expect your hostess to work miracles.
My friend wanted to hit the town to meet men. Since I work two jobs, I don't necessarily go out. Not that I don't like kickin' it, but going out in Hollywood is a huge hassle for several reasons. Parking is enough to do you in, but when you factor in getting dressed, finding a decent place to go that won't require a second mortgage, etc...it's a bit much. And it's quite apparent by my single status that I don't know where to go. Anyway...I found a place to go, but it didn't really start hopping for about an hour. She kept looking at me like I was supposed to make something happen. And when the men weren't up to her standards, she gave me that, "Are you kidding me" look.

3. Thou shalt have an opinion if you're asked.
Here's the deal: Because I don't spend a lot of time at home, I don't buy a lot of food. So I eat out a lot. But I'm a picky eater. Always have been. When you're with me, restaurants are the order of the day. When I asked her where she wanted to eat, she said, "Well, what's on the way?" Okay...first of all, this is LA. Not the small town we're from. That means that there are countless restaurants "on the way." I said, "Well, what do you want to eat?" Her response? "It don't matter." Ma'am, that's not an answer. Make up your mind.

4. Thou shalt find out what's going on in your hostess' life, and govern yourself accordingly.
Her visit was planned months in advance. However, things had changed by the time she actually got here. For one, Mr. Wonderful and I had broken up. That changed my life considerably. Then, my job has been heating up. (It's still good, but I had a lot on my plate.) And like I said before, I'm singing in a church choir, working two jobs, and trying my best to hold things together. And she never called to find out what was up with me. (Of course, in her defense, I realize that she's experiencing one of the most selfish times in her life. Grief is like that...believe me, I know.) Still, it pays to find out what the lay of the land is BEFORE you come.

And finally...

5. Thou shalt do your part to make your visit pleasant.
When people come to visit me, I want them to have a good time. I'm gonna do my best to take you where you want to go, let you see what you want to see, and overall bend over backwards for your pleasure. HOWEVER, I need you to suck it up. If you think I'm the worst hostess in the world, do not tell me. Or, if it's something you just can't deal with, let me know in a way that won't hurt my feelings or make me feel small. Now, when you go home, you can run me down like a dog in the street. But when you're in my presence, please try to remember how hard I'm trying...and cut me some slack.

...

2011-01-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

I am hurting. My heart is sore, and I don't know if I'm coming or going. And I don't like it. I'm not used to feeling this way, but I can't help myself. I want to scream, but I know it won't do any good. Not now.

Try as I might to be positive, the reality of my life is setting in. I'm 40, single, childless, and kinda chunky, with absolutely no prospective Mr. Wonderfuls on the horizon. Not now.

I'm thinking about resorting to Internet dating because I really don't want to be alone. Of course, I know better because I'm not in a good enough place to bring anyone into the chaos I call my life. And of course, there's always the prospect of no one wanting me. And even though I don't want to believe it, it's looking more and more like the truth. I cannot deal with rejection. Not now.

So I'll do what I always do. Write these feelings down, divorce them from myself, and pretend like they don't exist.

Moving on...

On the Outside Looking In...Again...

2010-12-28T16:50:00.000-08:00

I found out a few weeks ago that a former coworker is getting married. She's in her 20s, and I'm not sure how long she and her man have been dating. On the other hand, a current coworker, who's been with his girlfriend for less than a year, announced his engagement today. He and his girl are older and decided that waiting wasn't an option.

Understand that I'm extremely happy for both of them. I am. But it leads me to one question...

What's wrong with me?

Mr. Wonderful and I broke up after I found out definitively that he has no interest in marriage and family...at least not with me. And I wasn't willing to settle for being his PYT forever. I put in almost two years worth of my blood, sweat, and tears into that relationship. And I'd rather know now and be a little hurt than for us to be together for three, four, or 10 years.

Although I didn't get the ring, I did get a lot of knowledge. I know myself better and I know what I want. I also gained some insight into what really goes on in relationships.

But if I'm honest with myself, I'm still a little hurt. What is it about me that ultimately makes me unmarriable? Am I too honest? Not honest enough? Maybe I need to be more domestic and not focus on my career so much. Or maybe I'm just destined to forever be the cool homegirl.

Oh, well...back to the drawing board...

A Trip Down Memory Lane, Pt. 1

2010-10-26T12:02:00.001-07:00

My life has been humming along quite nicely. But something happened to throw a wrench in my beautifully laid plans. To help you understand it, I need to take you back...

The year was 1992. I was a music major in the second semester of my first year. I had a room by myself in the poshest dorm on campus, and all was well in my world. I had great friends, and I wasn't doing too badly in my classes. In fact, I was an active member of my church choir and the gospel choir on campus. As a result, I wasn't really going out a lot...mostly to gigs and hanging with my peeps. As far as guys were concerned, there wasn't anyone special. I had given up all my playthings to dedicate my life to Christ. And while I did get caught slipping on occasion, I made it a point to get that under control with a quickness.

There were a couple of guys in my classes that kinda caught my eye, though. They were commuter students, which meant they didn't live on campus. One in particular took two classes with me...class piano and music history. Even though he wasn't exactly my type, there weren't many folks who looked like me around, so we tended to gravitate to each other.

One day, he asked if he could come by my room after class. I didn't mind because I knew he didn't really have a spot to relax on campus, and I had a room to myself. He came by, and before I could get my bearings, he was making moves on me. I wasn't too worried about it because we were in my room alone...what else was he to do? After that happened a couple of times, I told him that I couldn't let him come by anymore because he'd be detrimental to my Christian walk. He was cool with it, but he made it a point to tell me that he'd catch me slipping one day. I didn't think anything of it.

Fast forward a couple of months. It's Greek Show weekend. While that was a highlight for most students, I didn't go. To me, it was pointless for me to spend my hard-earned $8 on something like that. Instead, I turned in for an early night.

My phone rang at 1:30 in the morning. I was knocked out, but I answered it because in those pre-Caller ID days, you couldn't know who was on the line prior to picking it up. It was Commuter Boy, wanting to stop by for a visit. Since it was after curfew, I decided to go to the gate and meet him. I was in the process of finding something to wear when someone started banging on the door. My suitemate was also my Resident Assistant, and the last thing I wanted was for her to wake up and find a man at my door. So I quickly got up, let him in, and got back in the bed. I did that to cover my state of undress.

He sat on the bed, and started trying to kiss me. I wasn't completely opposed to that, and since I still wasn't fully awake, I let him. What happened next was a scene out of the world's worst nightmare. He positioned himself on top of me to get a better angle. I laid there with my legs closed so he couldn't get too close. He said, 'Open your legs.' I still laid there closed. He said it again, but with more force. 'OPEN YOUR LEGS!'

Even though we were in my room, and the RA was right next door, I got scared. He was bigger than me, and I didn't know if he'd been drinking. In hindsight, I guess I should've screamed. But I was afraid I'd get in trouble for having a man in my room after curfew, so I was quiet. And I opened my legs. And I let him have his way with me against my will. I cried the whole time.

When it was over, I asked him, 'Why did you do that?' He told me that he liked me and was just expressing himself. I was like, 'Couldn't you have bought a Hallmark card?' I tried to make him understand how horrible it was, but he didn't get it. I said, 'How would you feel if someone did this to your sister...or your mother?' No response. He left.

I was never the same. On the outside, I was cool, but something inside of me died that night. I never reported him because I knew that the first and only question that would've mattered was, 'Why did you let him in your room in the first place?' Let's face it...rape is the only crime where the victim is punished.

Another reason I didn't report it was that I didn't want him to get in trouble. A rape case would've meant he'd get kicked out of school. Even though I was hurt, I didn't want to take his future.

And that was that. I went about my life and he went about his...until this past weekend. I'll continue this post later...

2010-09-22T13:54:00.001-07:00

Today is one of those gray days that make me feel a little melancholy. For me, a day without sunshine looks like the world is mad.

My heart is sore right now. As a person who loves Jesus unequivocally, I'm sensitive to attacks against the body of Christ. Whether true or not, I hate it when situations arise that make people -- especially unbelievers -- look at Christians like we're crazy.

And I'm hurting because of what's currently going on in Atlanta with Bishop Eddie Long. If you haven't had the pleasure of hearing about it, here's the link to CNN. In a nutshell, three young men are alleged that the good Bishop coerced them into having sex with them.

I'm not going to go into anyone's guilt or innocence. It's not my place to do so, and since I believe what the Bible says in 1 Chronicles 16:22 (Do not touch My anointed ones, And do My prophets no harm), I'm keeping my mouth shut. However, I can't deny how I feel. It's hurtful to me because of the pain I know his wife, children, and congregation are feeling right now.

Please join me in praying for everyone involved...

An Update

2010-09-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

My homie went to meet Jesus today. No matter how sad I am, I know that God does all things well. That's enough to keep me from going off the deep end. I also know he's not suffering anymore.

My fav homie lived, loved, and laughed to the fullest from September 29th, 1971 until this day, September 8th, 2010. I'm gonna miss him tremendously. Please pray for his family...

A Lesson Before Dying

2010-09-04T17:22:00.000-07:00

I just received the news that one of my friends from high school is dying. His second transplanted liver has failed him, and the doctors have given up on him. Now, the only way he can stay in the land of the living is by a miracle...(and yes, I do believe in them.) He's 38.

Of all my classmates that have died, I know I'll take this one the hardest. Why? For one, he's a cool dude who didn't mind telling me letting me in on The Secret Lives of Men. When I was a broke college student, he and his wife -- who's also my good friend -- would make sure I was able to hang out with them in the manner to which I was accustomed. And when my mom made her big move to the city, he and one of his homies came and packed the truck.

What makes his impending death even sadder to me is that it could've been avoided. See, the reason his liver is failing him now is that he put it to work too early. He started drinking on a daily basis when we were in high school.

He used to carry a briefcase to school every day. Unbeknownst to me at the time, it was filled with 40s. He and another classmate would partake of their beers with one of our teachers. I'm not sure how it started, but I know it was pretty regular. And no, none of them ever got caught.

But they've all had to pay a heavy price. My friend was a full-blown alcoholic in his 20s, but all that stopped after he had his first liver transplant. That was before his 30th birthday. A second one followed. After that, he was diagnosed with glaucoma, and now, a few weeks before his 39th birthday, the doctors have given up hope. His wife is going to be a 40-year-old widow, and his children will now have to tell their children stories about their grandfather.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, the classmate that my friend used to drink with also became a full-fledged alcoholic who spent his life in a drunken stupor. He died earlier this summer from a seizure at the age of 40. And the teacher died a few years ago from cancer, I think. When I think about how smart these guys were -- the teacher notwithstanding -- and how much potential they had to make a difference, my heart just aches.

What I hope is that some young person will read this post and think twice before making alcohol a regular part of their day. And I ask you to say a prayer for my friend...

Random Releases...

2010-08-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color
--W.S. Merwin

I need to write today. (Actually, I probably need to write everyday, but that's beside the point.) I work as a writer, but today, I need to release some things from my soul. I need to share my heart...and this is the best venue for me to do it.

For one, I miss having good, close friends within a reasonable distance. By that, I mean people I can call on to go shopping or hanging or whatever. I have friends in California, but they're new friends...which isn't bad by any stretch...but sometimes, you don't want to explain yourself.

And I'm missing Granny. I'm sure it's just because I'm lonely. Overall, I've dealt with her being gone, but lately, I've been thinking about visiting my East Texas. And I haven't really dealt with it in real time...meaning that I haven't been in her hometown since she took her leave of us. I don't want this carefully constructed peace I'm operating in to be shattered, yet I feel like it's something I need to do.

As far as Mr. Wonderful is concerned, I don't know what to do about him. I'm enjoying our relationship, but I'm concerned about the future. Despite the fact that I'm happy with him, I still want a family. Nothing's gonna change that. But he's not trying to hear that...which puts me in a pickle. Do I enjoy the moment and sacrifice my dreams? Or do I give up my momentary happiness for an uncertain -- and possibly lonely -- future?

The job is going well for the moment, but I don't trust it. When I say that, I mean that I don't know if my boss will trip out on me again or not. So I just take it one day at a time...do what I'm supposed to do, and pray really hard.

And just getting these thoughts on paper (per se) makes me feel better.

Nobody Wins....

2010-04-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to Nobody Wins a War, a song on Raheem DeVaughn's latest album, The Love & War MasterPeace. I like it because it reminds me of something Marvin Gaye would do. Plus, it's reflective of my mood.

I've realized -- for real -- that the end is near.

Mr. Wonderful and I had another discussion about the baby thing, and he told me...in no uncertain terms...that for him, having a child was a non-negotiable. He said it wouldn't be a good look for him to have a child younger than his grandson. And I get it. Really I do. But what does that have to do with me? When I asked him, all he could do is give me that discussion-ending 'what about you' look.

So while we haven't officially called it quits, it's coming for us sooner than later. And the thought of it makes me sad. With all the ins and outs of our relationship, I still love him. And honestly, he's the first guy with whom I could actually see myself taking the procreation plunge. I wish he felt the same way, but he doesn't. And while some of my friends have told me to 'baby trap' him, I don't want to do that. It's not fair.

And this is one war with no winners...especially not me.

2010-04-12T15:33:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a place in your life where you just can't explain it? That's where I am today. So many things are happening, and I don't know how to put them together. I'm gonna give you a random overview now, and reserve the right to explain at a later date...

1. I still haven't finished moving into my new apartment. All of my stuff is out of storage -- Thank God!!! -- but I don't have the gas on yet. That means no hot showers...and I can't live like that. After a mini-fiasco with the gas company last week, it should be on tomorrow.

2. My boss isn't getting any better. In fact, she's getting worse. No feedback on my work for two weeks. As if that's not bad enough, she hasn't said hello or good morning, either. Today I get an email saying she hasn't liked what I'd written for the last two scripts. Call me crazy...but if you didn't like what I was doing, wouldn't it be wise to let me know? After all, my three-month anniversary is coming up...and they'll have to give me benefits. Maybe she's trying to save the company some money. Anyway...speaking of saving money...

3. I found a great deal on furniture this weekend. I was able to get a coffee table, two lamps, two big, round mirrors, a TV cabinet and TV for about $100. And it's nice! I'm really digging it, but Mr. Wonderful gave me the blues because he claims I don't need it. What that really means is that he doesn't want to move it. Bad move on his part...but it's cool.

4. Finally, I'm so tired I could cry. I stayed out until 5am Saturday night, turned around and got up at 8:30am, ran all day, and went to bed at 1am. Now I'm sitting here fighting sleep...and not being very successful.

So all these things are working together to make me want to scream...out loud...right now. Fortunately, I'll be off in about two hours. I can't wait...

We're Moving...Again!

2010-03-22T11:43:00.001-07:00

Dear readers, your girl is on the move again. After seven months of cohabitation, I signed a lease on my very own apartment over the weekend! Can I just say that I'm too excited? I've had apartments before -- and this'll be the fifth move in three years -- but this one just feels different to me. I guess it's because I need it so bad right now.

And how is Mr. Wonderful taking it, you ask? He was shocked, to say the least. Even though I told him I'd be getting my own place, I don't think he really believed me. When I told him, I made it a point not to act too excited. I let him know that I don't love him any less, but it'll be better for us if I have my own space.

So that's pretty much what's going on in the life. And as far as the relationship is concerned -- because one of my dear readers asked about it -- we're still good. Don't know how long it'll be like that, but until it's over, I'm gonna enjoy it and him. :)

The War is Over and Other Stuff...

2010-03-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

After a week of being angry with Mr. Wonderful, I decided to let it go. As I told you before, I'm not cut out for war. I'm a woman of peace. And our weekend was great. We ended up hanging out at Venice Beach with friends. Overall, a good time was had by all. Were the issues resolved? Not really, but sometimes you have to concede to live peacefully.

So now we move on from the personal to the professional. And that's where the next conflict begins...

My boss tripped out on me. Big time. And even if I did kinda deserve it, the way she went about it was completely uncalled for. Here's what happened...

We have to write scripts, which are made up of four stories. She assigns these, and we work on them. I had just finished a script on Thursday, so I was waiting for her to assign me four more on Friday. In the meantime, I did what any other person would do while waiting...checked my email, updated my Facebook page, etc. After a while, I was like, "Uh, maybe I should look for something to write." So I did and sent them to her. She was like, "What have you been doing for the last three hours? Just go home."

(Sidebar: You may be wondering why I didn't just look for my own stories in the first place. I've done that before, and she shoots down each and every one of them. Since I obviously don't know what to look for, I just let her do it. Call me crazy, but I'm not equipped to handle that type of rejection on a regular basis.)

Anyway, her trying to send me home threw me for a loop. I've worked at a lot of places, but I've NEVER had a supervisor attempt to send me home -- at least not when I haven't been fired. I didn't think it was appropriate so I went to her and she basically said she didn't have time to deal with me. Is that my fault? I didn't think so, so I thought I'd better try to do something to save this situation.

Before I could, it got worse! Our job gives us free lunch every week. Since it was only five minutes before our weekly meal, there was no way I was gonna leave before that. When I went to get a plate, she was like, 'I don't believe you're gonna take the free food when you haven't done anything!' And she said this in front of my coworkers! I couldn't believe it, but I kept my composure. She finally managed to find something for me to do.

A couple of my coworkers, who are absolutely wonderful, took me out for a drink after work and explained the dynamics of where I work and the nature of my supervisor. This has been very helpful, and I'm just staying as busy as possible.

And while this situation was ugly, I finally recognized it for what it was...an attempt to get me off my game. See, when things are going well, I have a tendency not to pray like I should. This incident made me see that diligence is still in order -- even when things are going well. And God has been faithful, so I'm excited.

Moving on...

Oh Boy...

2010-03-11T17:38:00.000-08:00

Okay...can I just say that I'm not cut out for war? Even though I'm the wronged party, I'm the one suffering. My stomach is in knots, my head hurts, and I can't rest. (Anyone who knows me well KNOWS I'm having a hard time if sleep isn't peaceful.) I can barely get my work done, and the dreams...they're driving me up the wall.

Last night's episode found me living with some old man in the back of some church-like building. My pastor stopped by help us do something -- again, I can't tell you what. Anyway, he saw me coming from the man's living quarters into the sanctuary. Naturally, I was embarrassed, but when the pastor called me over to talk to him, I woke up.

All of this just confirms what I've known for a while now....I need to get out of his house as soon as I possibly can. Even though I hadn't planned to make a move for a few months, it looks like the time has come.

And just so you know...he hasn't apologized. I'm guessing he feels completely justified in his actions, so he's been acting like everything is hunky-dory.

This is almost as much drama as a Grey's Anatomy episode. Stay tuned...

The Art of War

2010-03-10T10:42:00.001-08:00

I've never really been a fighter. It's never thrilled me to have to stand up and ask for what I felt should be mine. In my opinion, you should just give it to me. But since nothing ever works like that, I've had to come out of my comfort zone on several occasions to demand fairness. And that's what has happened with me and Mr. Wonderful.

As I've told you before, it drives me up the wall when he moves my stuff. It probably wouldn't be so bad, but he sorts it out and hides it from me. I've asked him several times not to do that, but he insists upon it. So when I got home the other day to find my stuff moved...AGAIN...I lost it. His excuse was that he was cleaning up. I was like, "Okay. I get that. But could you at least wait until I get home to move my stuff so I'll know where it is?" And he gave me that look reserved for the terminally stupid.

I should explain that I NEVER go through his stuff. I personally find it disrespectful. Besides, if I've got to rummage through your things to find out what you're doing, I probably don't need to be with you. In addition, I just don't care that much. I work two jobs, so the LAST thing I want to do with my free time is snoop around.

Right now, he has a lot of free time on his hands because he's not working. I get that. However, I'm TIRED of having to say the same thing to a grown man. If my wishes don't mean anything to him, I don't know what else to do. More importantly, if he doesn't trust me, what am I supposed to do? I know he's had other relationships where he's been cheated on, but I'm not that girl. And if he's that insecure with our relationship after a year, that's on him. Seriously, I don't have the strength to fight.

Unfortunately, though, that's just what we're doing. I'm calling it cold warfare, and it'll probably go on until I move out. Last night, I went out with an old co-worker, but I brought him dinner. I guess he thought that meant that all was forgiven. Not hardly. As I was leaving, he said, "What, no hugs and kisses?" I said, "Oh, I'm not happy with you right now."

I don't like this at all. I'm half-way tempted to just get all my stuff out of there and sleep in my car until an apartment comes through. Stay tuned...

Wednesday's Child

2010-03-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

"Wednesday's child is full of woe..."

She was born on a Wednesday and died on a Wednesday, and looking at her life, you could see how the childhood rhyme could've applied. Death had visited her more than a few times...both of her parents by 13, her husband at 42, and a host of other siblings, relatives, children, and friends in her lifetime. And all of that went on within a 30 mile radius of where she grew up in Jim Crow's South.

Yet...

She had a special brand of joy. Her faith in God was strong, and although she wasn't a wealthy woman by any means, she had plenty of love around her. And we all loved her. Even now, two years after we said our final goodbye, I still think of her every day. Her words and laughter continue to shape my life as I grow up into a woman I think she'd be proud of.

And so today, through my tears, I celebrate the life and times of my precious Granny...my first friend and best magic, and an all-around awesome woman.

Contemplating My Return to Singleness...

2010-03-03T11:57:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm getting ready to give Mr. Wonderful the ol' heave-ho, I'm beginning to think about what life will be like on the other side.

If you've ever spent any time being single, you know how crazy it can be. There are guys out there who see us in our solitary glory and feel the need to help us rectify what they see as a bad situation. If they were actually bringing something other than a big...ego and a smile, I might be interested. Now that I'm more mature, I just don't have time for foolishness.

In the very near future, I see myself living alone, going out with friends, and enjoying my life as an independent woman. Does this mean I don't want the husband and kids? Not at all. I'd love to have someone to grow old with. However, I'm not going to mope about it until it happens. I'm going to live. And if, by chance, a nice gentleman comes along who wants to enhance my life, I just might let him.

The Beginning of the End, Part Two

2010-03-02T11:29:00.000-08:00

I'm not actively breaking up with Mr. Wonderful, but I think I've finally divested my heart from him. And why, you ask? Because, dear reader, he finally made his fatal statement.

As I've told you before, he's much older than me. His children are already grown and he's not in the market for more. And believe me, I get it. If I were his age, I'd be looking forward to playing with the grandbabies and sending them home to their parents, too.

However...

That's not the case for me. I don't have kids yet, and I'd like to have them. Nothing is guaranteed...and it's not like my biological clock is ticking like crazy. But I want to have the option of procreating with the man I love, and if that can't happen with Mr. Wonderful, I've got to keep it moving.

So here's how it went down...we were watching the movie Overboard with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. At the end, Russell asked Hawn what he could possibly give her she didn't already have. She told him she wanted a little girl. At that point, I turned to Mr. Wonderful and said, 'You don't really want kids, do you?' He tried to turn it on my by saying, 'You don't want any, either.' I was like, 'I never said that.' He then turned to me and said, 'Is that a deal breaker?'

Unfortunately for him, it IS a deal breaker. After all, if I stay with him, he'll have me and his children taking care of him when he gets too old and sick to work. Since he has 16 years on me, he'll be entering those years much sooner than I will. What'll happen to me when that time comes? I told him, 'Dude, your children won't take care of me when I get old.'

So there you have it, folks. The official beginning of the end. Stay tuned...

Where I Am Today...

2010-02-26T16:27:00.000-08:00

I know I'm supposed to be working, but I really don't have it in me today. Instead, I read Chris Jones' Esquire article on Roger Ebert. For those of us who came of age during the 1980s, Siskel & Ebert were our go-to movie critics. Their thumbs determined which movie would get my hard-earned allowance. And they were just as much a part of my childhood landscape as Michael Jackson and Soul Train.

Seeing Ebert's trademark look ravaged by cancer just brought me back to the reality that so many of the things that made my childhood special were leaving. And that's where I am today.

Next Friday will be the second anniversary of my grandmother's death. She was such a force in my life, and I can still hear her voice in my head. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her and what she would do or say. Even though I'm not actively mourning now -- thank God -- I've been getting a little misty lately. Since she took her leave of this earth, I haven't spent any time at her house. I don't know if I can...or if I want to.

There are so many things I want to tell her. I want to get her take on the Mr. Wonderful situation. (Although I'd NEVER let her know I was living with him! She'd surely kill me.) I want to tell her about my new job (which is going great, by the way. I'll have to blog about that soon.) And I want to giggle with her one more time...

I miss Granny so much. And that's where I am right now.

A Woman's Perogative

2010-02-03T10:59:00.000-08:00

As a woman, I have the right to change my mind. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I'm doing today in the case of MackDiva vs. Mr. Wonderful. Even though I told you that the end was near, I have now decided to give this thing a chance.

Why, you ask, would I reconsider my original position...especially since I said wasn't in love with him? Well, after careful consideration, I realized something -- I've never really been in love. Oh sure...I've been infatuated with a man to the point of distraction, but I've never been with someone long enough to see how my emotions would change with time.

Even though this man gets on my ever-loving nerves, we still get along great. We're comfortable with each other, and I don't have to be fake with him. He's seen me at my worst and still calls me beautiful. He remembers things I forget, and he cooks for me. Seriously, I would be stupid to just let him go.

Are things perfect? Not by a longshot. I still get irritated by him moving my things, and I sometimes want to kill him when he spouts various and sundry useless facts. Some of his jokes are completely inane, and I could smack him in the face when I see him trying to impress people.

Still...

He's a good man. He loves his children, and he loves me in all my simple complexity. What more could I ask for?

Now understand, I'm still moving out. I haven't changed my cohabitation position. If we're going to be together forever, he's going to have to put a ring on my finger and make me Mrs. Wonderful. That's real talk. I'm not settling for a boyfriend when I can have a husband.

So I've called a moratorium on the end...for now.

Good News for MackDiva

2010-01-13T07:56:00.000-08:00

If you been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that the one thing that has eluded me during my time here in Los Angeles is full-time employment. During these three years, it's been a struggle to stay afloat, and I've been really frustrated about it. However, I'm now happy to report that that's all changed. I am now employed as...wait for it...wait for it...a writer! (Imagine that! LOL) I'll now be a full-time writer -- with benefits -- for a popular radio show. I call it popular because it's on 350 stations across the US and Canada. I start next week.

I want to take this time to thank all of you who've been praying for me and crying with me during this journey. All I can say is to God be the glory for this thing He's done. I'm TRULY looking forward to 2010 now. :)

The Beginning of the End...

2010-01-03T16:28:00.000-08:00

The Bible says that sin is only good for a season. Unfortunately, that season is now over, and I'm done with Mr. Wonderful. Don't get me wrong. I still love him and probably always will, but this cohabitation situation has made me see that I'm not in love with him. In addition, there are some things on which I cannot and will not compromise.

For one, I want a family. Even though I'm almost 40, I would like to be a wife and a mother. At this point in my life, there's no guarantee that babies are in my future. However, I don't want the option not to exist. Mr. Wonderful has already been there and done that and has no interest in going that route again. He hasn't come out and said it like that -- even though I wish he would -- but he's always hemming and hawing when the subject comes up.

Another thing that's important to me is my faith. I love the Lord Jesus Christ. If it's in the Bible, I'm all for it. Am I a perfect and holy person all the time? Not hardly -- as evidenced by the cohabitation situation. However, I believe and I strive to be as faithful as I possibly can. Mr. Wonderful believes in God, but that's about it. It seems to me that he'd rather rely on astrology, numerology, and The History Channel for his guidance and wisdom.

So where does that leave Mr. Wonderful and me? It's hard to say right now. On one hand, he still treats me like a queen and I love that. He's a great guy, and he will make someone else a wonderful companion. However, I'm not the one and I have to get out of this as soon as I possibly can. Stay tuned...

The Bird and the Fish

2010-01-02T16:24:00.000-08:00

I know that knowledge is power, but is it wrong not to want to know everything? Here's why I'm asking. While I love that Mr. Wonderful is knowledgeable about most things, I don't necessarily want to know that much. He, on the other hand, spends his time watching The History Channel so he can know everything. He then takes this knowledge and spews it out in every conversation he has.

When we first met, Mr. Wonderful's tendency to know everything didn't' really bother me. I loved that he could speak intelligently on any subject. However, as we've been together, I've been realizing that it's not fun to talk to someone who knows so freakin' much. There's no room for imagination or pondering. In addition, he tries to make me feel stupid because I don't know the same things he does.

One of his passions is movies. I think he's seen almost every film ever made, and can quote from them verbatim. In addition, he knows all of the actors, their life stories, and when they died. His other passion is music. Since he's been in the business since the early 70s, he knows everything about the singers, the writers, and musicians. He's so cold that he can figure out who's playing what instruments in pretty much any given song.

Again, I'm thrilled to be with such a knowledgeable human. However, I don't appreciate him lording his knowledge over me. It's so sickening to talk to someone who's forever making you feel like an idiot. That's so not cool to me. One of his favorite 'games' is asking me if I've heard this or that song or seen this or that movie. Of course, the item in question will be from either the '60s or '70s -- well before I was born or conscience of what was going on around me. When I don't know it or haven't seen it, he then gives me this, "I can't believe this," look.

Before Mr. Wonderful, I'd never really considered dating an older man. Now I see why. Different generations have different values and different ideals. And there's nothing wrong with that. However, when you have a person who has a need to feel superior, it can make for hours upon hours of frustration.

My mother heard a pastor say something that made me think. He said, "A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where will they live?" That's where I am today.

Addressing Random Thoughts and End-of-Year Things...

2010-01-02T03:41:00.000-08:00

First off, I want to update you on the latest news in the life...

1. Mr. Wonderful and I went to Texas for Thanksgiving. I would love to say that everything was great, but that would be an erroneous statement. My family didn't like him, and they were looking at me like I was an idiot to be with him. Since I'm not used to seeing him in any environment that he's not the star of, and it was interesting. I've never seen a man his age work to impress people.

2. I cut my hair. Actually, my brother did the honors the night before my birthday. When he finished, I was left with what is commonly referred to as a teeny weeny afro. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Even though I allowed it, I was not ready to see myself without hair. It took me a solid week before I let any of my friends see my new 'do. Honestly, I'm still getting used to it.

3. I'm still underemployed, and I'm still trying to figure out what I'm good at. This new year will be about realizing my full potential, no matter what it is.

Now, for my end of the year stuff...

I want this year to be the best year ever, period. When my 40th birthday rolls around, I want to be in a much better position than I was this time.

As for my love life, I don't know what to make of it. Yes, Mr. Wonderful and I are still together, but I don't know how much longer it can last. This living together situation isn't something I plan to do much longer, and I don't know how our relationship will hold up when I move. After everything we've been through, I think I just want to be free.

Random Thoughts...

2009-11-22T02:55:00.000-08:00

I started writing this blog so that I could say what I needed to say. I wanted a way to get thoughts, feelings, and observations out without having to quantify or qualify them. It was basically a way for me to talk to myself without looking crazy.

Now that I've publicized it to several friends, I feel like I have to censor myself. While some of my other bloggers want people to read their stuff, that was never the goal for me. At least not at first.

Anyway...I said all that to say that there are things that I need to say because they're weighing on my heart. In no particular order...

1. Mr. Wonderful and I are going to Texas for Thanksgiving. I'd love to say that I'm excited, but I'm not. I'm freakin' terrified! My mom and my friends have never had to share me, and I don't know how they'll handle it. I'm especially concerned about my best friend. I've been his beard for as long as I can remember, and I just hope he'll be able to be happy for me now that I actually have a man.

2. I'm debating on cutting my hair. And I'm not talking about a trim. I'm thinking about whacking it off to where my curls start. We're talking maybe an inch or two. My brother told me he could do it, but I'm concerned that my brand of cute won't carry without hair.

3. I still don't have a job. At this point, it's hard for me to remember what I'm actually good at. My confidence is waning, and it's getting harder and harder to remember what I can do.

4. I'll celebrate another birthday next Sunday. Even though I'm happy to have someone to celebrate with, I don't know why I'd want to. I'll be one day closer to 40 with no job prospects, no savings, and more debt that I care to mention.

Okay...that's all for now.

My Take on Barack's Nobel Peace Prize

2009-10-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'm a little late on commenting on President Barack Obama's Nobel Peace Prize win, but I'll add my two cents to the continuing conversation...

Yay for him!

We've been under the cloud of a war-mongering president for eight years, and it's nice for the president of the United States of America to be recognized for peace. Anyone who thinks otherwise is crazy.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming...

2009-10-10T02:29:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Lauryn Hill's Ex-Factor, and I was struck by was the poignancy of the lyrics:

It could all be so simple,
But you'd rather make it hard.
Loving you is like a battle,
And we both end up with scars.

I started thinking about the scars we carry from relationships. My girlfriends and I have had our hearts broken, but we still try again. I've always thought we're just resilient that way. Meanwhile, the guys that get their hearts broken usually seem to live by the adage, "The best way to get over an old love is to get under a new one."

As I listened to the urgency in Lauryn's delivery and reflected on the ultimate destruction of her career -- thanks to her alleged relationship with Wyclef -- I had to revisit my original thoughts. I've had my share of heartaches, but I haven't been destroyed. The closest I've come was with the ex in New York. However, I'm giving more to Mr. Wonderful than I've ever given, and my heart is a little more fragile now.

If our love doesn't last, I don't know that I'll be able to bounce back. It'll be much harder for me to ignore my feelings and try again. That's not to say I won't, but that's what's on my mind right now.

2009-10-01T22:00:00.001-07:00

Here's what's going through my mind...

I can't do this anymore. I can't live out of bags, and I can't be a burden to anyone. All I want to do is be myself again. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that here in California. This is the one place I hate. Even though the weather is great, I hate every other thing about this place. I don't like how I've had to live here.

My nails are raggedy. My hair is horrid. My weight is out of control. And my heart is heavy. I've never felt so low, so completely out of control and out of sync with what I know to be good and true in all my life.

I wish there was someone to blame, but I don't know who that person could possibly be. I didn't have a full-time job before Granny died, but now it's just getting ridiculous...

And then, I get hungry. And as I look for something to eat, Mr. Wonderful says, "I was just about to pop you some popcorn." I love you works for some girls, but the way to my heart is the white fluffy stuff.

I love this man. Things aren't always great, but he's awesome -- even when he's operating in his humanity. This is where we are right now.

2009-09-28T01:33:00.000-07:00

It's when things aren't going well that I miss her the most. It's these times when I'd like to climb up in bed next to her and cry on her shoulder. I wanna tell her how much my heart hurts, but I can't. She's gone, and I'm left to my own devices.

At this point, I'm tired. I wanna go home, but there's no home to go to. If I leave California and go to Texas, I won't have a job. If I go to New York, I won't have a place to live. In addition, I won't have enough money to make it. So I'm stuck here on the West Coast -- my very own sunny version of Hell.

Now here's the funny part. Just writing those feelings down, seeing them on paper, makes me feel better. I know things could be worse. One of my good friends is sleeping in her car. Her stuff is in storage, and she's been making her Honda her home. I'm blessed that I have Mr. Wonderful, but I'm not convinced that this is the best thing for me.

It's one thing to be alone, but it's another thing altogether to be lonely when you're with someone. Yes, I live with him -- and that doesn't feel good to me and my sensibilities -- but now he's acting like I don't exist. And after a particular disappointing evening where I performed a service that I wasn't paid for, I came home to find my belongings in a closet. He was like, "I can't live with your stuff like it is."

Let me explain. He has been kind enough to let me stay with him while I get myself together. When I first got here, he cleared out two drawers and gave me part of his small hall closet. Now ladies, I submit to you even if I downsize -- and believe me I have -- that's not enough space. Therefore, I was keeping my stuff in a plastic bag in a corner of the bedroom. I also have stuff in the bathroom and on the nightstand on my side of the bed.

I guess it wasn't enough for him. My stuff was relegated to the closet, and while I normally wouldn't have cared, after the night I'd had, I just wasn't in the mood to be treated like somebody's bad child. He started in on me the minute I came in the house. I sat my keys down and he was like, "That's not where those go." I gave him that bitch please look. After that, I saw what he'd done.

If I were one to curse, cry, and scream, I'd probably feel a lot better. Since I'm trying to be considerate in the face of his grief, I just held my peace. But it's getting harder and harder to look at this man who claims to love me and not say anything.

And that's why I'm missing my grandmother more and more these days. I want to talk to her to find out how she'd handle this situation. She would know exactly what to do because she was magic. And I need a little magic in my life right now.

2009-09-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

I hate being level-headed. You know how people love to say, "Let cooler heads prevail?" I'm usually that one. Before I blow up and lose my cool, I try to look at a situation from all angles. After all, most people aren't trying to intentionally hurt you, right? So I'm the one who analyzes a situation to death before burying my anger. And every time I do it, a part of me dies. I do it with my mom, my brother, and now that it's time to do it for Mr. Wonderful, I'm tired.

Let me explain...

Mr. Wonderful is going through a lot right now. In addition to be almost out of work, he's lost his dad this month. Now his daughter is getting ready to make him a grandfather. We all know that any one of those situations has the power to make a grown man cry, and all of them together can be devastating. Trust me, I get that.

However, I have needs that must be attended to. While he's going through this stuff, his physical interest in me hasn't been what it used to be. Okay...I don't like it, but I get it. Even though I tend to drown my pain in sex, I get that other people don't.

Now here's where it gets hairy for me. Mr. Wonderful -- like so many men I know -- likes porn. For the most part, I'm not bothered by that. Guys like to look at naked women. But I have a real problem when I'm here, and you'd rather look at Internet chicks.

What am I supposed to do? I can't compete with those girls -- at least not yet. ;) I'm working out, but I'm beginning to think my fat has launched an all-out war against me. In addition, I'm currently weaveless, which means I'm not looking cute 24 hours a day. And I'm still jobless, which means that I can't afford to get my nails, feet, and hair done as often as I'm accustomed to.

It's not easy to admit your shortcomings or even deal with them on a regular basis. The last thing I need is to think that the man I love doesn't want me. And that's what I felt like when I walked in naked and saw him watching a flick on his computer screen.

I looked at him incredulously and said, "Really?" before turning on my heels and walking out. I got in bed, and tried to rationalize the situation. I wanted to be cool about it because I would like to think he was just being stupid. And he was, believe me. But since I'm always thinking and doing things to keep him happy, I just wish he would do the same for me.

On Healthcare and Racism

2009-09-17T01:13:00.000-07:00

I have tried not to comment on what I've seen happening to our country's health care debate. I've sat by and watched our Republican brothers and sisters treat our president like he's a homie in the 'hood with their disrespect. I have done all I can do to not weigh in, but the time has come when I can no longer stay silent.

No matter how you feel about President Obama's plan to reform health care, it's no question that reform is needed. I don't have health care because the company I work for doesn't offer it to its part-time employees. I'm thankful that I'm fairly healthy. If I weren't, I'd be in trouble. I know a guy who can't get insurance because the transplants he had to cure his diabetes put in the pre-existing condition category. He recently had to sell some of his property to have a procedure done on his foot. I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

I don't understand why it's such a big deal to have a governmental-run option for health care. It would be different if we were talking about shutting down the insurance companies altogether. All the president wants to do offer an affordable means to get the care people need.

That really should be the extent of what's being said. Unfortunately, racism has reared its ugly head. If you think it hasn't, you can politely stop reading now and keep it moving. You obviously live in a fantasy world and you won't like what I have to say.

For the rest of you...

President Carter -- an 85-year-old Southern-born gentleman -- said it best when he told NBC News:

I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a black man, that he's African-American. I live in the South, and I've seen the South come a long way, and I've seen the rest of the country that shares the South's attitude toward minority groups at that time, particularly African-Americans.

That racism inclination still exists, and I think it's bubbled up to the surface because of belief among many white people -- not just in the South but around the country -- that African-Americans are not qualified to lead this great country. It's an abominable circumstance, and it grieves me and concerns me very deeply.

No matter how you feel, that's what's real. And I'm glad that a White man said it because when Black people level charges of racism, those who are trying to get out of the term's ugly cover love to say that the ol' race card is being played.

What really kills me is all those people who say we live in a post-racial America. Give me a break. There's no such place -- at least not yet. I'm not saying that it can never exist, it just doesn't exist now. And it won't happen in our lifetime unless we acknowledge the problem.

Having a Black president is a good step in the right direction. However, it does no good if his opposition is hell-bent on discrediting and disrespecting him. I, for one, am tired of everyone acting like it's not true.

My Tribute to Ted Kennedy

2009-08-29T07:49:00.000-07:00

My grandmother used to tell us that if there was rain on the day of your burial, it meant that the deceased wasn't a righteous person. As I watch the funeral mass of Senator Edward M. Kennedy, who succumbed to brain cancer earlier this week, I'm struck by that fact.

Since I cannot claim to be a political person by nature, I'm not extremely familiar with the particulars of Teddy's career. However, I know that he's been instrumental in much of the legislation that affords me the opportunity to live the way I want to. Most importantly, I recognize his passing as the ending of an era in American politics.

What has struck me most about the life and times of Senator Kennedy was no matter how privileged he was, he never forgot about the least of us. He and his family lived, breathed, and in many cases died, in public service. He wanted all of us to have equal access to everything this great nation has to offer.

I'm also moved by the great tragedies that this family has had to endure. Watching them deal with the deaths of so many of their members with grace and style has been a sight to see indeed.

Was Teddy Kennedy a righteous man? I'm not sure. I know he was a passionate and robust man who lived fully, loved deeply, and cared for the least among us. He was the kind of friend that everyone wanted to have in their corner, and a rival that fought to the very end of a thing. He made his mistakes, but the word that comes to mind is redemption.

Oh My....

2009-07-12T23:20:00.000-07:00

After many weeks of living in an imagined bliss with Mr. Wonderful, I have returned to my apartment. I'm only here to pack my things so I can be out by the end of the month. This is what I have to do, and I'm okay with it. I'm not okay with moving in with him on a permanent basis.

Even though he asked me to move in, I can tell it's not something he really wants. He's only being nice, but I have no where else to go. And on top of that, he's losing his job. That means that he and I will be in the same unemployed boat. Because he's a true man, he'll do everything he can to help me -- even if it means sacrificing himself. I can't have that.

I don't like feeling like a burden, and I don't want to be where I'm not really wanted. What shall I do...

Some Kinda Feeling

2009-07-02T00:22:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling some kinda way, but I can't put my finger on it.

Michael Jackson is dead, and a part of my childhood died, too...but that's not it. He wasn't my cousin, and I'll get over it.

I'm thinking of Granny more. She, too, was an integral part of my childhood -- my life, even -- and Michael's death makes Granny's just a little fresher.

Plus, I recently had a conversation with my favorite uncle. I always love talking to him, but because he lived with Granny and took care of her, I'm reminded again that Granny is gone when I speak to him.

When does the pain of the loss go away? You can move on and get past it, but it seems to catch up with you when you least expect it.

Add to the mix that my life is in turmoil right now because, ladies and gentlemen, I have to move again. For those of you keeping score, this will make the third move in less than three years. And since I haven't been able to find a gig to supplement my meager pittance from my part-time gig, I don't have the money to find a place. Therefore, I'm going to have to move in with Mr. Wonderful until I can secure said employment.

I have never wanted to live with a man -- at least not without the benefit of marriage. While I love Mr. Wonderful, I'm nowhere near wanting to commit my life to him. Plus, I wasn't raised to live with a man like that.

All of which brings me back to my original thought...

I'm feeling some kinda way, and I can't put my finger on it. However, I know I don't like it. I'll keep you posted.

An Open Letter to the Media

2009-06-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Media,

I'm completely vexed with your coverage of Michael Jackson. Don't get me wrong, I understand that the King of Pop was a person of interest whose every move was scrutinized both in life and now in death. I get that his very existence is going to be picked apart and exposed for all the world to see. After all, this is the information age, and that's how we do it.

However, I would implore you to remember that for all Jackson was or was not, he was still a human being. Even though he had millions of dollars, he still had to put on his clothes like everyone else. He cracked jokes, played with his kids, and loved his mother. His family and his friends loved him before he was ever moonwalked across a stage. And they're hurting right now. As Janet put it on the BET Awards, "To you he was an icon, but to us, he was family."

How would you feel if every bad thing your brother had done was on the front page of every newspaper? As a mother, could you really handle having someone call your baby "Wacko Jacko?" And would you really want your children to have to hear someone talk about every strange habit you ever had?

I'm not trying to prohibit free speech. On the contrary -- I want to know what happened to Michael Jackson just like everyone else. But I think we need to give this family time to grieve. Remember, their loss came without warning. While the family and friends of Farrah Fawcett* had time to come to grips with her impending death, the Jacksons had no clue that they'd be facing a world without their loved one.

All I'm asking is that we remember our own humanity and let these people have their moment to celebrate the life of their brother, uncle, nephew, son, cousin, and friend, Michael Joseph Jackson. There will always be time to take his legacy to task, but this isn't that time. Thank you.

Sincerely,

MackDiva

*Even though Farrah was sick, I know their loss is just as great. I didn't mean to diminish their pain in any way, and if it came off that way, I want to apologize.

The End of an Era

2009-06-25T22:31:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm not one of those people who gets bugged out by celebrities. After all, I've worked in the entertainment industry most of my adult life. Even though I haven't everyone I'd like to yet, I've been fortunate enough to meet some of the ones who've gone on before -- Luther Vandross, Gerald Levert, Aaliyah, to name a few. Unfortunately for me, that list does not include Michael Jackson. And now, thanks to his untimely death at the tender age of 50, I never will.

I am so hurt by Michael's death, and I couldn't figure out why. Then I started reminiscing about my first encounters with his music...

Because my mother wasn't a fan of the Jackson 5 -- don't ask me why -- their music wasn't in my house. Marvin Gaye, yes. Curtis Mayfield, yes. The O'Jays, The Spinners, Gladys Knight & The Pips? Yes, yes, yes. We even had Natalie Cole and The Emotions. But no Jackson 5. When I was in the third grade, my teacher, Mrs. Heldt, would let us listen to music if we finished our work early. And that, my friend, is where I discovered the amazing voice of Michael Jackson. Although I liked ABC, my favorite was The Love You Save. I worked like a Trojan everyday just so I could put on a pair of headphones and listen to this little boy who couldn't have been too much older than me sing his heart out.

To say I was hooked would be an understatement. I began to search for this elusive boy wonder. Of course, by 1979, he was a grown man. My first true album experience with him was Off the Wall. When my mom went to the hospital to have my brother, I stayed with my uncle and his family. My cousin had just copped the new MJ album, and it was awesome. We put it on while we played and sang and had a good time.

By the time Thriller came out, I was 13-years-old and more than ready to embrace all that Michael had to offer. My stepfather brought the album home, and I wore it out. It was so bad that the liner notes -- complete with the lyrics -- was falling apart in a matter of months. I loved all thing Michael at that point. While I wasn't fortunate enough to have the red jacket, I did have a glove and some glitter socks. (Besides, I really wanted the white jacket worn by the rival gang leader in the Beat It video.)

Of course, like everything in childhood, my love for Michael waned -- especially when New Edition came out. It wasn't that I didn't love him anymore, but with him being so much older than me, I realized that a romance was impossible. Don't get me wrong -- I still loved his music. Remember the Time came out when I'm in college, and I still love that song.

Over the years, Michael's interesting way of life tainted the squeaky-clean image he had when I was a kid. Even still, I loved him. As for the molestation situation, I'll say this. I don't know what he did, but I blame the parents who let their children stay with him more than I blame him. How stupid are you to let your baby boy stay with a grown stranger?

Fast forward to June 25th. I was coming home from breakfast with my boyfriend when I got an email saying that Michael Jackson had suffered a heart attack. After that, I turned on the television and my computer to see if it was true. Naturally, it was devastating to me when it was confirmed. And I'm still devastated.

I think my friend, Tikia, said it best when she said that MJ's death signifies the end of our childhood. R.I.P to both my innocence and Michael Jackson.

May 9, 2009

2009-05-09T09:14:00.000-07:00

I'm upset with myself right now. I never thought things would get this bad, but they have. I've come to a point where I really don't know what I'm going to do about my bills.

Let me back up for those of you who really don't know. My career has taken some interesting turns since I've been in California -- mostly for the bad. Most recently, I was forced to leave the job I had teaching radio to children because they wanted to drop me down from 25 hours a week to 12. Since I lived a good 45 minutes from the job, it wasn't cost-effective for me to make the drive.

For the majority of 2009, I've been surviving on one part-time paycheck. Unfortunately, ALL of my bills are full-time. That has put me in a crazy bind because I really don't have anyone to depend on. When I was in NYC, my family depended on me for any extras. Now that I don't have anything, I'm pretty much on my own.

Thankfully, Mr. Wonderful has been in my corner, and he's as helpful as he can be. Up until now, I've been able to keep the severity of my situation under wraps. He knows that my money is funny, but I couldn't bring myself to say, "Dude, I'm about to lose my car and my phone's about to get disconnected. Oh, and by the way, the only reason I've been able to survive this long is that you've been feeding me on a regular basis." I just can't form those words with my lips.

So you can imagine how ugly it was for me when things came to such a point that I couldn't hide them anymore. I had to make a car payment to keep them coming for me. Unfortunately, that left me with a whopping $6 in the bank. Has my rent been paid? Of course not! Is there a stitch of food in my house or gas in my car? HA! And we can't even begin a conversation on all the things I need to keep up appearances -- makeup, clothes, shoes. And I'm not talking about extravagant things, either. My sneakers are falling apart, and I can't replace them. I haven't had anything new to wear in almost two years.

If I had a different, less public lifestyle, I wouldn't care. However, I've been blessed to work in an industry that requires me to look a certain way. For example, I have a speaking engagement on Tuesday. These people -- who, incidentally, think I'm balling out of control -- want me to talk to them about the importance of satellite radio. I have a dress to wear, but I'm gonna have to pull a few tricks out of the bag to make sure my hands and feet are up to par.

Anyway, I was at Mr. Wonderful's house when the $6 debacle occurred. I was so upset that I got back in bed and covered my head. When he asked me what was wrong, I had to tell him because I couldn't hide my distress. He was on his way out the door, but he said we'd discuss it when he got back. Even though I didn't want to, I told him just how bad my finances were.

For a person who prides herself on being strong, revealing this particular weakness was the hardest I've ever had to do. I tried to read his expressions, but it was hard since I was hiding my face under the covers.

And what was Mr. Wonderful's reaction to my plight? He said, "Well, let's see what we can do." He told me that he'd cover my rent until my check came, and we'd see about the phone bill. Basically, he found a solution to my problem. And as if that weren't sweet enough, he made my favorite food to cheer me up.

What can I say? He's awesome. So why, you ask, am I upset?

Because I never wanted to be in a position where a man would have to bail me out. I know that relationships consist of both give and take, but I hate being on the taking end so much. It's nice that he will, but I just don't want to stay in this place too long.

But I will say this -- it's nice to have someone around who doesn't mind having your back.

He Finally Said It...

2009-04-28T01:29:00.000-07:00

We had just picked up our dinner. As I was unpacking everything to see if it was all in place, I noticed something missing. I turned to him and said, "Babe, I think they forgot your dressing." He wasn't phased at all, saying, "Oh, they probably put it on the salad." Sure enough, upon further examination, it was. I put on my tough-girl persona and playfully told him that I'd go up there and rough 'em up if they'd messed up his food. He laughed and said, "I love you!"

To say I was outdone would be an understatement. Here we are playing around, and he says the three most important words in the English language. Since I wasn't sure if he was being serious, I just decided to be cool about it. I gave him a hug, kissed him on the cheek, and said, "I love you, too."

Now I'm wondering if I handled it the right way. What if he really was just playing? Then I've shown my hand. If he was serious, I may have understated the moment and played it too cool. I'm reminded of Billy Joel's song, Leave a Tender Moment Alone.

Even though I'm in love,
Sometimes I get so afraid.
I'll say something so wrong,
Just to have something to say.

I know the moment isn't right
To tell the girl a comical line
To keep the conversation light
I guess I'm just frightened out of my mind.

But if that's how I feel
Then it's the best feeling I've even known
It's undeniably real
Leave a tender moment alone

I'm not quite sure how I need to proceed, but I do know that I love this man. And I hope he feels the same way...

Uh Oh...

2009-04-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

As I delve deeper and deeper into this thing called a relationship, I wonder what's supposed to happen. How does it progress from being a like thing to a love thing? When do you cross the line, and how can you tell?

My guy and I have been going strong since the end of January, and I'm loving every minute of it. And trust me when I tell you, I don't quite know how to handle it. He's still just as kind, just as sweet, and just as considerate as he's always been. In fact, the longer we stay together, it seems like he improves every day. At this point, I don't know that there's anything he won't do to help me feel comfortable and cared for.

That's not to say he's perfect by any stretch of the imagination. After all, he's human just like me. But his humanity is coexisting with mine in a way I never thought was possible.

It's got me questioning that thing called forever. As in, 'Am I seeing a real possibility of forever in him?' While I've been known to pick out china patterns if a man's gaze lingers too long in my direction, it's always been an imaginary thing -- never really real.

What does that mean, you ask? I wish I knew. Right now, I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and not read too much into it. Unfortunately, that's much easier said than done. I'm spending massive amounts of time with him, and we get along famously. His sense of humor fits in well with my sensibilities, and we giggle a lot.

Where is this going? I really don't know...

Part One of the "Wonderful" Saga

2009-03-25T12:42:00.000-07:00

What can I say about my new Mr. Wonderful? He's the most awesome guy I've met in a long time. This man is everything I've ever needed but never thought I wanted. He's thoughtful, kind, considerate, and attentive without being overbearing. He makes me feel safe and cared-for and he treats me like a lady.

The funny part is that I met him while on my way to see Mr. Wright back in January. I was at the airport waiting to check my bag. As I stood there, this guy bypassed all of us to check his luggage. I'm guessing he checked in at home and thought he could circumvent the line. As the clerk directed him to the end, I thought to myself, That's right! Who do YOU think YOU are, trying to get out of this torture! The man in front of me turned around, took one look at me, and laughed out loud. He said, "Man, Black women can't hide anything on their faces!" I was so caught off-guard that I immediately started giggling.

The conversation was really cool, and I thought pretty much over once we boarded the plane. Boy, was I wrong! Not only was he waiting for me when I got off, he helped me with my bags and we shared a cab to Manhattan. During the ride, I told him about my plight with Mr. Wright and how that was supposed to go down. I also told him I wanted to find out about his business. He's been a tour/road manager for several major artists over the years, and in my current state of under-employment, I need all the extra skills I can get. He gave me his card, and that was that.

I didn't call him until I got back to LA. We traded a few messages before we finally spoke. One of the messages he left me almost made me not call him back. He said, "It took you long enough to call," with a crazy kind of attitude. I thought to myself, Uh, don't get it twisted, dude. I'm doing you a favor! Good thing I didn't let that stop me from calling.

Our first date was a little unconventional. He came and watched me work and took me out for Thai food afterwards. I felt a little stupid because I've never really eaten Thai and I didn't really know what to order. Not only was he cool about it, we ended up sharing a couple of appetizers. He impressed me by offering me the last bit of everything we ate. I couldn't believe how selfless and considerate he was. Sometimes I still don't.

Anyway, we've been practically inseparable ever since. My family and friends think I'm in captivity. If that's true, it's the best kind of captivity known unto man. Not only does he make "jail" a pleasurable experience, he makes sure that he has things in his house that I like.

I'm really digging this situation, and I hope that all of you get a chance to experience some incarnation of this.

My Valentine's Post...on Delay

2009-03-24T08:32:00.000-07:00

***Okay...I know that it's been well over a month since we celebrated Valentine's Day. However, I thought this post was worth sharing even now. Enjoy!***

Today is the day we celebrate love. Well, at least that's what all the diamond, greeting card, and chocolate pushers would like for us to believe. We get all geeked up to show everyone how much care for each other. My question is why?

Maybe I'm crazy, but I'd much rather know that someone loved me on a day-to-day basis as opposed to having a dramatic show of unattainable affection one day out of the year. I just think that this day makes some single women think they're missing out on something wonderful.

As for me, I'm finally happy with my life and who I am. If someone wants to love me, that's great. After all, I'm a really good idea. If they decide against loving me, I'm okay because I know it's not my fault.

Guess What?

2009-03-08T00:45:00.000-08:00

I've met someone.

He's not someone I'd normally date, but he's really something special.

He's older than I am. There are more years between us than a few, but we're still able to relate to each other.

I've never been with a man who makes feel as safe and cared for as this one. He opens doors for me. He makes room for me at his house and in his life. He includes me in his plans. And he thinks I'm beautiful.

Will this romance last? I don't know.

What I do know is that I'm enjoying him. And for now, that's all that matters...

A Year in Review

2009-03-05T14:36:00.000-08:00

Today is the one-year anniversary of Granny's death. Even though I thought I'd be emotional, I'm really not. I still miss her. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that she won't come back. I'm still angry that she left me here. But at this moment, I'm okay.

Of course, it hasn't been easy to get to this place. The last 366 days have been spent trying to learn how to negotiate a world that doesn't include my first friend and best magic. There are questions I'd love to ask her, but now I'll just have to rely on the knowledge she imparted to me while she was here.

My heart still hurts when I see old women. Whether it's on television or out and about in public, the sight of them reminds me of my dear Granny. And if little children are in any way involved, it's almost too much for me to bear. It's not that it's particularly painful, but it just reminds me of what I've lost.

And actually, that's not even an accurate assessment of the situation. Even though Granny is gone, I didn't lose her. I see her in so many of my actions, and she still resides in my heart.

An Open Letter to You

2009-02-23T13:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

I don't know how many of you there are, but I want to apologize for leaving you hanging. If you're a reader of this blog, you're probably either a) in my close circle of friends or b) you discovered it on your own and you have no ties to me. Either way, I appreciate you more than you could ever know. You've given me the chance to air my frustrations and sort out my feelings without being judgemental. You've also allowed me to work out my writing style without having to take a class.

I'm coming to you now because I've been neglectful. I've started a new, more public blog, and I haven't been posting here as much. MackDiva Does Hollywood expounds on my background as an entertainment reporter. I'm trying to keep it updated as much as possible so that my new readers can get acclimated to my writing style as well as using it as a go-to spot for certain kinds of stories.

That doesn't mean that I won't come here to leave my personal thoughts and feelings. In fact, I'm probably going to start posting more because there are some really big things happening in my life right now, and I still need a place to sort out my thoughts.

Thank you for being patient with me. You are the ones who make this all worthwhile. Make sure you check out MackDiva Does Hollywood and tell me what you think. Most importantly, please know that no matter what else I may do, I still need you in my corner. I'll try my best not to let you down...

MD

My Two-Cents on the Suleman Situation

2009-02-09T01:00:00.000-08:00

Unless you've been under a rock, you've heard about the case of the 33-year-old California woman who just gave birth to octuplets. Not only is Nadya Suleman single and lives at home with her parents, she's also the mother of six other children. The recent birth brings her total to 14 children under the age of eight.

At this point, the questions are flying around -- why would anyone with six kids allow herself to be implanted with eight embryos? What fertility doctor would allow a woman with six children to have eight embryos implanted? Investigations are currently underway, and I'm sure the media will keep us abreast of her every move from now until Jesus comes.

While I personally think Ms. Suleman is insane, my problem with her is the same one I have with any single woman who chooses to become a mother without the benefit of a man. It's unfair to the child. Children deserve to have a mother AND a father.

Now don't get me wrong. I know that women are capable of raising children alone. I'm keenly aware of it because my mother was a single parent. We all know folks who are raising children alone after a death or divorce. And while it's a sad state of affairs, there are PLENTY of men who shirk their responsibilities when it comes to their children. In fact, the majority of single mothers I know didn't think they'd actually be raising a child or children by themselves.

However, it's one thing to have a baby and have the man, for whatever reason, abandon his family. It's another thing all together when there was never a man in the picture. I personally find it extremely selfish.

It's like this -- each one of us is a product of our mothers and our fathers. Their DNA determines the color of our hair and eyes, and in a lot of cases, our personalities and proclivities. When there isn't a father in the picture, a child has no way of understanding a) what a father is, and b) why Mom, Grandma, and Uncle John are all dark-skinned while he or she is fair-skinned with green eyes.

Case in point: as a small child, there wasn't any talk of a daddy. When I went to school, some kids would talk about their fathers. I was like, "What's that?" Obviously, there weren't many five-year-olds who could explain such a lofty ideal, so I was left thinking that anyone could fill the position. I remember asking all the men I knew, "Will you be my daddy?" The guys were always polite in their refusals, but I'm sure my mother was embarrassed.

As I got older, I understood that I didn't have a father, but that opened up other questions for me. Why? What was so wrong with me that my father didn't want me? These are questions that still haunt me today.

All I'm saying to Nadya and other women like her -- please take the time to consider the children you're bringing into the world. Yes, you want a baby, but don't they deserve a family?

Fat Tuesday Came Early for Lil Wayne

2009-02-08T17:22:00.001-08:00

***Even though I usually leave the entertainment stuff to my girl, The CreaTiff One, I wanted to give my take on last night's festivities. Let me know what you think!***

If there's a recession going on, I couldn't tell at Lil Wayne's Pre-Grammy Awards Party Saturday night. The Mardi Gras-themed soiree was an exercise in decadence, to say the least. Cash Money Records held the red-carpet affair at The Montage, a swanky hotel in the heart of Beverly Hills. While publicists sent out releases to alert the media of a party, other details -- like location, time, etc. -- were kept tightly under wraps.

And speaking of red carpets, the one at Weezy's party was the coolest I've ever seen. Instead of having it in front of the hotel, they held it in the underground parking garage. Girls dressed in full Mardi Gras regalia handed out beads to the guests as they checked in. Some of the celebs making their way down the carpet included Danity Kane's Dawn Richard, Akon, production duo Play N Skillz, actress Leelee Sobiesky, Joel Madden, Tila Tequila, and Nicky and Paris Hilton.

Once my homegirl, The CreaTiff One, and I got in the party, we were pleasantly surprised to find free food and drinks. The Louisiana-inspired menu was projected on the walls -- blackened salmon with black-eyed peas, jambalaya with cornbread muffins, crab cakes with garlic salad, and strip steak with frites (french fries for the rest of us). I had the salmon and TCO had the jambalaya. We were both very satisfied.

The room was festively decorated with a 70s-style beaded curtain dividing the lounge/dance area from the dining area. The curtain allowed us to see the stage, which featured live performances from the newer members of the Cash Money Records family. Paris did the opening introductions.

The soiree was well-occupied without being crowded, and to say that it was celebrity-infested would be an understatement. We spotted Reggie Bush -- sans Kim Kardashian -- OutKast's Big Boi, Kim Whitley, and Tamala Jones. Omarion was sporting a fresh crew cut that made him look so manly that we almost didn't recognize him!

The highlight of the evening -- at least for Lil Wayne -- was the presentation of his present for selling ten million records. Cash Money Records gave him a convertible sports car wrapped in a bow.

What I found most refreshing was that there were no fights and no instances of overtly ghetto behavior. Overall, I have a new-found respect for both Cash Money Records and Lil Wayne in general.

2009-02-05T13:02:00.000-08:00

I'm not a fan of resolutions, but I told myself -- in a low-key fashion -- that I was going to clear out the drafts in my list of posts. I started this one in July 2008. At the time, I wasn't able to share these thoughts because they were too personal. Enjoy!

I recently had an interesting conversation with my boss. For those of you who don't know, I'm working with children for the first time in my life. Their idiosyncrasies are as interesting as they are infuriating, and dealing with them on a regular basis is testing the limits of everything I know to be right and good.

Anyway, I was telling him about a particularly trying encounter I'd had with a group of teenage girls. They're not bad kids by any stretch of the imagination, however, I wasn't equipped to handle them. As any boss would, he said that I need to be ready for anything. When I reminded him that I'm still learning how to deal with the youngsters, he was like, "Well, you've been a kid before." That's when I informed him that while I had lived through the age range of the children in question, I'd never acted like that. That's when he told me that I'd never had a childhood.

I didn't really know how to take that statement. Now I will admit that I've spent way more time with old people than with youngsters, but to say that I'd never been a kid was a bit more than I could handle. In his opinion, the fact that I don't know how to yo-yo, I've never jumped Double Dutch, and I've never flown a kite meant that I was the oldest-acting 30-something year old person he knew. I wasn't sure if should've been offended, hurt, or what.

In true MackDiva fashion, I analyzed the situation. My mother is the youngest child of an older woman. I, on the other hand, am the oldest child of a woman who was way too young to raise me. Since my mom was in college when I was born, my grandmother took over my primary care until I was four years old. Even though my mom took me after that, Granny was still the primary person in both our lives. It was almost like we were sisters and my grandmother was our mother.

When I was little, there weren't many children in our neighborhood. The kids down the street were considered undesirable by my grandmother for two reasons -- one, because their parents were the local drug dealers, and two, when they would come down to play with me, they would steal my toys. Consequently, I spent a lot of time either by myself or with my grandmother. She really was my first friend and my best magic. While Granny was healthy when I was small, she couldn't jump rope or fly kites with me.

Meanwhile, my mom was too busy trying to negotiate her life as a young single woman with a child in the pre-baby mama era. It's hard to imagine it, but there was a time in the not-to-distant past when a woman with a child was looked down upon in our society. Then she married my brother's father. While I'm not in the mood to go into details, let's just say that my mom was more concerned with keeping her marriage together than she was with making sure I was emotionally stable. My stepfather absolutely hated me. He didn't steal my toys, but he did steal my security and sense of well-being.

Consequently, I don't trust people much. It's kinda hard when the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally really don't. I've always felt like I had to be something extraordinary to be cared about, which has led to a life of overachievement and chronic insecurity. I've never done well in situations where I'm feel like I don't know what I'm doing. As for the kites, we lived around too many trees for that to be a feasible activity. None of the kids in my area knew how to jump Double Dutch, and yo-yos were something my parents had played with.

What I realized was that my childhood in rural East Texas is completely different than what children experience in inner-city Los Angeles. Does that negate it as a childhood? Not hardly! For example, I know how to make a zoo-zoo with a button and thread, and play-doh with flour, salt, and food coloring. And I know how to be tolerant of people have different backgrounds and experiences.

What's a Girl to Do?

2009-02-04T00:00:00.001-08:00

Okay...I have something I need to get off my chest. For some reason, people -- especially men -- are constantly getting the wrong impression of me. While I normally don't really care what people say or think about me, it's becoming a problem as I try to navigate the unemployment waters.

Case in point: I recently called a man I've known for a while because another friend of mine told me he had an opening. We spoke briefly, and he told me that his company had instituted a hiring freeze. That was cool, but then he said that he couldn't work with me anyway because, in his opinion, he'd never get anything done. Apparently I'd be too much of a distraction.

I was a little taken aback. While he and I have flirted -- I thought harmlessly -- I've never done anything to make him think I toss my affections around. In other words, what makes him think that I would even entertain him in that way? When I brought that up to him, he immediately said that it wasn't me -- it was him.

Okay...how am I supposed to take that? Should I change who I am so that men will be more comfortable with me? One of my best friends told me that men perceive me as being flirty, which is why they think I'm easy. Seriously? Another friend told me that I stare at people, which makes them think I'm trying to get at them. Call me crazy, but I thought it was important to look at people when I'm talking to them.

And it's not the first time I've been taken wrong. Once, I was talking to a comedian after a show, and he told me I was looking at him like I wanted to have sex with him. Even though I know he was just talking crazy, I've had other guys assume that my friendly conversation -- normally in a business or other public setting -- was an invitation to a one-on-one tour of my sheets. Some of the propositions made to me would make a porn star blush.

I guess I wouldn't be so angry if any of these propositions involved going out on dates. For some reason, the guys that approach me with their lewd commentary only want to take me down the primrose path to sin and degradation at the nearest hooker hotel. It's just disrespectful and wrong.

Am I the only one experiencing these types of things? Please let me know by leaving a comment or two. Thanks!

DC vs. The DNC -- A Study in Contrasts

2009-02-03T15:49:00.000-08:00

During this election season, I've been blessed to attend two very significant events -- the Democratic National Convention in Denver and the inauguration of President Barack Obama in Washington, DC. Both of these events were historical and emotional for me, and I was glad I attended both. However, there were stark differences between the two -- at least for me.

Traveling companions
I'm a firm believer that who you're with can make or break a trip. When I went to the DNC in Denver, I was with my new friends from California. Even though I'm usually not a fan of traveling with strangers, I really appreciated these women. They're a really great bunch, and we worked well together. We arrived on Tuesday and stayed until Friday.

On the other hand, I wanted to experience the inauguration with folks who were more familiar to me. That's why I traveled to New York City to be with the girls and guys who have become my second family. We then took a bus to Washington, DC for the day of the event.

Weather
To say that the weather wasn't an important factor would be an absolute lie. When we went to Denver in August, the weather was pleasantly hot. We were able to walk around outside in our shorts and stuff and be comfortable. In contrast, we dealt with bone-chilling, mind-numbing cold in DC.

Don't get me wrong -- I expected to deal with inclement weather in January, but that was absolutely ridiculous. The country was experiencing some of the coldest temperatures on record, and we who braved it caught the worst of it. Of course, I'm so thankful that the snow and rain the meteorologists had been predicting didn't come to pass. That would've made a bad situation worse.

Emotional State
The mood in Denver was festive. There were parties galore, and there was a celebratory air floating through the city. There was also an anticipation that was palatable. Everyone was excited and determined to do whatever it took to get our man in the White House. Even Barack was upbeat, and that mood was reflective in his speech.

Fast-forward to January. Our country is in complete chaos. Companies are laying workers off left and right, and people are losing their homes at an alarming rate. We're fighting two wars, and Barack's promise to bring our troops home has taken a backseat to the current economic crisis. In addition, Barack himself has suffered the loss of his beloved grandmother -- the rock of his family. At this point, everyone is looking to him to make things right. I personally loved the speech he gave, but it was obvious to me that the heaviness of the moment was upon him.

Organizational Issues
I'm not really sure what kind of training and preparation the city of Denver had gone through prior to the Democratic National Convention, but it was thorough and extensive. Everything concerning that event -- from transportation to the flow of traffic into and out of Invesco Field -- was handled efficiently. I personally commend the city for it.

What I really wish was that the good folks of DC had had access to Denver's manuals. It was almost like the millions who converged on the city to take part in the inauguration were unexpected. The trains were crazy, the flow of information was crazy, and some people who had tickets were denied entry -- completely unacceptable. DC was, in my opinion, a study in pandemonium and mayhem on January 20th.

My Overall Analysis
After all was said and done, I'm very happy that I got a chance to experience both the DNC and the inauguration. However, I think someone in our nation's capital needs to learn how to host millions of people before the next election because the unabashed foolishness that was Washington, DC was unacceptable to this citizen.

The Final Word on Mr. Wright

2009-02-02T21:24:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to figure out why I was so willing to believe the line of jive that Mr. Wright was putting down. I'm an educated woman who's lived all across the country by myself, yet I listened to a man I already know isn't capable of either telling the truth or loving anyone but himself. If anyone else had told me that they were going through what I was going through, I would've called them crazy. Yet there I was, willing myself to believe something my heart knew couldn't possibly be true. What in the world is wrong with me?

After turning the thought over and over in my mind -- and watching a back episode of Private Practice -- I've come the conclusion that I just don't want to end up alone. When I was growing up, my grandmother was friends with Ms. May. Ms. May went to our church and lived on our street. Unlike Granny, who'd raised five children, Ms. May didn't have any kids. As they got older, Granny had us to come visit her, and Ms. May had no one. She died alone.

I always said I wanted to get married and children so I wouldn't die alone. Unfortunately, at this point in my life, potential husbands aren't busting down doors to get to me. Also, I'm facing the very real possibility that kids may not be in the cards for me. I guess I wanted to believe that Mr. Wright was really on the up-and-up so I could be that wife and possibly that mother who would have a house full of children and people to drown out the sound of my thoughts.

Am I saying that I'll never get there? Not by a long-shot. Yes, Mr. Wright is history, but I'm still optimistic for the future. And that's all I have to say about that...

*Look out for the inauguration post, coming soon*

25 Things You Didn't Know About Me

2009-02-01T20:48:00.000-08:00

Okay...I need to apologize to those of you who actually read my gentle musings because I haven't updated anything in a while. I've started a number of postings, but I haven't had the guts to actually publish them. However, I feel as if I need to give you something to contemplate while I get myself together, so I'm going to borrow a page from my good friend, Angela. There's a note going around Facebook that asks that you share 25 things about yourself with your friends. Angela published hers on her blog, and I'm going to follow her lead. Look out for more on the Mr. Wright situation and my Inauguration trip soon. For now, enjoy...

1. I hate lies and liars. Period.

2. I'm deathly afraid of ants.

3. Even though I know most people in the Gospel industry, most of them don't know what I do. I executive produce remotes for Rejoice, but I've hosted my own show on Sirius Satellite Radio since 2001. In addition, I wrote entertainment news for ABC Radio Networks for seven years.

4. I majored in music in college with an emphasis in voice.

5. While I sang with both Greg O'Quin and The Potter's House, I didn't record with either of them.

6. I'm sensitive, and I have a tendency to shed tears at the drop of a hat.

7. Because I'm generally a happy person, folks tend to trip out when I'm upset.

8. One of my friends was killed by her boyfriend when we were in college. That incident makes me very suspicious of people.

9. I'm a big fan of 80s music -- especially Cyndi Lauper, The Go-Go's, Wham!, and Culture Club.

10. I don't like greens, cheese, bananas, or any kind of melons.

11. I like and can follow basketball, but I have absolutely nothing for football. That borders on blasphemy as a person who grew up in Texas.

12. I didn't watch my first horror movie until I was 18, and I don't watch them now.

13. I'm a conspiracy theorist, and I firmly believe that the government watches us all the time.

14. I won awards for cooking as a member of 4-H.

15. I was the president of Future Homemakers of America for 3 years in a row.

16. As an adult, I believe that having a housekeeper is the only way to live.

17. I'd like to have children one day, but I won't shed too many tears if I don't.

18. Ditto for marriage.

19. I met my father when I was 22.

20. I can't imagine my life without music or radio.

21. If I was forced to choose another career, I'd be a hairdresser.

22. Even though I hate cold weather with a passion, I want to move back to New York City as soon as I can secure employment.

22. When I was in second grade, one of my classmates drowned over the summer. As a result, I've never wanted to swim.

23. I'm very thankful for my life -- no matter how insignificant it may seem to others.

24. I still can't watch Barack Obama speak without crying.

25. I'm glad my faith in God is strong because some of the things I've seen in the Gospel industry would make me to question what I believe.

I'm Done!

2009-01-18T03:32:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a bad feeling about something? You know in your heart that a situation isn't quite right, but you forage ahead hoping you're just being paranoid. Unfortunately, nine times out of ten, the first feeling you had about a thing is the one you should've gone with. I said all of that to say that things didn't work out with Mr. Wright. (Pause for the collective "aww.")

As I've been telling you, this latest trip to New York was a good excuse to get out here to see him. (And no, he wasn't my main purpose for coming out here. Actually, it's all about my president.) Everyone who knows me knows that I've been looking forward to this excursion for weeks because I really miss the people who've become like a second family to me. My friends are absolutely the best -- and I don't say that lightly. (Another post about them is coming soon.)

Anyway, Mr. Wright and I have been talking about this trip a while, too. He knew that I was hooking with my peeps to travel to DC, and he knew that I was looking forward to seeing him and having him meet my friends. We started talking about how the thing was going down weeks ago, and I told him about my homegirl's birthday shindig a week and a half ago. I wanted to give him time to make whatever arrangements had to be made for him to be able to hang with us. That's what people do, right?

So can someone PLEASE explain to me why on the day this man and I are supposed to go out, he tells me he can't find a babysitter? I understand that it can be hard to find someone to watch your children (ages 15, 8, and 8 -- not twins, mind you) at the last minute, but SURELY you can figure something out if you have advance notice. Am I wrong for that?

Even though the lack of foresight pissed me off, the thing that really set it off in my mind was a conversation we'd had prior to my NYC arrival. We talked about my fears in this relationship. I told him that, given our history, it was hard for me to trust him. Furthermore, as I looked back over my life, I realized that my own history had a lot to do with it, too. I said that I'd never known a man who actually kept his word in relation to me, which made it hard for me to believe the stuff he was saying to me. These revelations -- which set me on a path of self-awareness that I didn't even realize was necessary -- were probably as profound to me as they were to him.

Anyway, he knew all of this going in, and yet that's how he chose to handle it. To say I was angry would be a gross understatement. Hurt, angry, confused, vexed, and perplexed were better ones. In my mind, his actions just fell in line with my fears, and it hurt me that I'd exposed so much of myself to him only to get it thrown in my face.

So here I am at bar in Harlem, singin' and swingin' and gettin' merry like Christmas on Friday night, when I decided to text out my feelings. I don't know why I thought it would help, but that's what I did. I told him how hurt and confused I was, how it wasn't necessary to take me through this madness, and how much his actions fed into an already bad situation.

Things were already bad, but they took a turn for the worse when I spoke to him on Saturday morning. That's when he told me that he and his children were in Brooklyn. Apparently a relative of his had a birthday party in Brooklyn, and he, his mother, his aunt, and his children had travelled out there to attend. I asked him, "Does your cousin have a birthday at the same time every year?" He was like, "Yeah." I then wanted to know why it hadn't occurred to him to mention it when we were making plans prior to my arrival. He then explained to me that he doesn't get to see his relatives very often, and the party was an impromptu type of thing. When I pointed out that I live in California, that we had been planning this evening for at least a week, and that he could've let his kids go to Brooklyn with his mother and his aunt, he informed me that they don't watch his kids. When I asked him to try and see things from my point of view, he shut me down with, "I couldn't find a babysitter, and that's the end of this discussion." So I said, "You're right," and hung up.

Seriously, I don't see a reason to continue trying. He's let me know -- in no uncertain terms -- that I will never be a priority to him. His life is full, and I don't fit in anywhere. Why should I subject myself to that? Later for Mr. Wright. I'm making room for someone who wants to make room for me.

New Things for a New Year

2009-01-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

Since it's a new year, I'm going to do new things. And that's why I called my father today. If you've been with me for a while, you know that my relationship with my mother's baby daddy is pretty much nonexistent. It's not that I have a lot of hostility toward him. I just don't know him that well.

While that's not monumental to some, it's a big deal to me. This is the first time I've spoken to him since Granny died. He's called me a couple of times, but I haven't really been able to handle a conversation with him. Here's the deal -- with my mom, I don't doubt her love for me. If I'm blind, deaf, dumb, crippled, or crazy, I know she'll still care about me. My father, on the other hand, can only have affection for me if I'm doing well. His love is, in my opinion, predicated on my performance. It should be pointed out that my father has never said those things, but I just feel that way.

Here's the real kicker -- I gave him the address to this blog. My mother doesn't even know I have a blog. Why did I do it? I really don't know. I guess there's some part of me that would like for him to get to know me on my terms. My mother pretty much knows everything there is to know about me, but my father has no clue. I guess the reason I did it was for him to be able to understand the daughter he didn't raise.
Does that mean I'll censor the content? I don't think so. As far as I'm concerned, this corner of cyberspace is mine. It's a place for me to work out my feelings, get my thoughts in order, and express myself without fear of criticism or judgement. If he or anyone else doesn't like what they see here, they are more than welcome to leave.

Trust Me? Yeah, Right!

2009-01-03T14:06:00.000-08:00

I want to learn to trust a man. I thought I could, but I'm realizing I can't right now. What brought this on, you ask? I was watching the Private Practice marathon on SoapNet, and my girl, Addison, was having issues with her new man. Her past infidelities made it hard for her to trust the man who had fallen in love with her.

Even though I said I wasn't going to take Mr. Wright seriously, I've found myself getting caught up in his brand of attention. After all, who wouldn't want to be loved by someone? In this year that I've put a hold on intimacy, I've missed being the object of someone's affection. Even though this man put me through more drama than any woman should go through, it's nice.

However, as my trip to New York City gets closer, I find myself questioning our situation. I guess I'm looking at the fantasy I'm in and wondering how it will hold up against the reality I'm facing. He still has three children, and he lives in New York and I live in Los Angeles. Neither of us have plans to move anytime soon. That in and of itself wouldn't be so bad, but I don't think he's capable of being faithful in the meantime.

Here's what makes me say that. When we first started discussing the possibility of us, he said that he was going to drop all of his current women. Even though I didn't think it was necessary for him to go there -- at least not at that time -- he said that if he wanted to be with me, he knew that it was necessary to put his best foot forward. However, when I asked him about it on New Year's Eve, he hemmed and hawed and hesitated way too much for an honest man. He then was suddenly too tired to talk, and he hasn't called since.

At first, I was just going to chalk it up to the game. After all, what do I have to lose if another brother lies to me? I could've just kept it moving like always. Our history is such that my feelings aren't set in stone. However, since HE called ME up with this "I want you in my life at all costs" mess, I decided to give him a chance to explain. When he didn't answer my calls, I text messaged him.

Me: You're avoiding me. Why?
Him: I'm not avoiding you. I love you.
Me: What are you doing? Why haven't you called?
Him: I've been really busy with the kids and the company.
Me: Okay. Carry on. Handle your business.
Him: Thank you sweetheart. Thank you for understanding.
Me: I don't, but I know you're doing what you think is important. Go ahead and do what you need to do.

This is a perfect example of what I think our lives would be like -- me, on the sidelines, while he deals with the rest of his life. The reason we broke up the first time was that he wouldn't give me a place in his life. I've always understood that I might not be number one, but I will not be placed on the shelf like a Christmas toy.

FYI, the Christmas toy is the one that a child wanted more than anything in the world. On Christmas day, that toy gets all the child's attention. As time goes on, though, that toy gets relegated to the shelf with the rest of the child's things. It only gets taken down on special occasions after that.

I've explained this to him before. The way I see it, we don't have to have a full-blown conversation every day. However, since we're over two-thousand miles apart, we have to stay connected. All he has to do is pick up the phone and say, "Baby, things are going crazy here, but I wanted to touch base with you. I'll catch you later." Of course, in his mind, that's not important. And that's why I'm doubting.

That's not the worst part. To me, the worst part was the hesitation. If he doesn't want to do this, I'm okay with that, but not the lying. I'd like to believe him and believe in him. Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to happen. I don't think he's worthy of my trust. While I'm not happy about it, I'm not surprised. As I've said before, there's a reason why an ex is an ex. Stay tuned...

Looking Back and Forward -- A New Year's Post

2008-12-31T12:00:00.000-08:00

We've finally come to the end of 2008. If you're like me, I'm sure the year has gone by quicker than you thought it would. In fact, I'm actually pretty shocked at how fast we've come to this day. Looking back, this has been one of the most prolific years of my life. Here are a few notables:

1. Granny died. I never thought I'd face a year without her. I miss her terribly, but I know she's in a better place and that I'll see her again.

2. I moved -- twice! For the most part, I'm a pretty stable girl. Since I hate moving with a passion, I usually stay wherever I am. I lived in my Dallas apartment for three years, and my New York apartment for six. The fact that I've only been in Los Angeles 23 months and have already had three different apartments says something about this place.

3. I've been celibate all year. Since deciding that love -- or at least a very strong like -- would be a prerequisite for spending any kind of naked time, I've not known a man. Even though I'm not exactly happy about the situation, I really do feel that I've grown as a woman. I now realize that sex isn't a complete necessity, and even if it, I can go without. In addition, I'm valuing myself more and not squandering my "pearls" on "swine."

4. I've managed to keep a blog. Considering the fact that I didn't want one in the first place, this is a real accomplishment. I've been able to consistently document my life for the world to see, and I'm actually proud of myself for it.

What do I want in 2009? There are few things...

1. I want a well-paying, full-time job. I'm tired of trying to figure out how I'm gonna pay my bills. I'd like to partake in the stability that only comes in knowing from whence my help comes. I also want to find a permanent place to live. Even though I'm not really feeling Los Angeles, I'd be willing to settle here if I can get a good job with some benefits. Of course, I'll never cross New York or Dallas off my list. Right now, it's all about the cash.

2. I'd like to find love. At one time, that statement would've probably read, "I'd like to be married." Right now, I think I'd be satisfied to find someone who'll be willing to give me an honest love from the heart. I can wait for everything else.

3. I'd like to finally get the body I was born to have. Notice I didn't say I'd like to lose weight. Yes, that would be wonderful, too, but I think I've given up on being a size 4. Now I just want to look good both in and out of my clothes.

4. Finally, I'd like to see some of my dreams come true. I'm tired of living in a constant state of having my dreams deferred. I want my wishes not to be vain ones. I want to want something and know that I can have it -- no matter how far-fetched it seems to others.

Happy New Year, Everyone! May your 2009 be all you need it to be.

My Second Cali Christmas

2008-12-25T23:46:00.000-08:00

I’m so glad that I decided not to spend my Christmas alone. Normally, when I don’t go home, I stay in my apartment trying not to cry while celebrations go on all around me. This year, however, I was determined not to be depressed – especially since I already knew that the potential for depression was great. I chose to spend Christmas Eve at the home of one of my new friends. It was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. In addition, I went to another friend’s house for Christmas dinner. Again, I don’t think I could’ve done better.

Now I understand why it’s so important to spend time with friends and family. It makes the crazy days seem not so bad. In spite of being in a city I’m not fond of with people I don’t really know, I’m really happy about the way this day went. Hope your holiday was as wonderful as mine…

2008-12-24T00:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year, but there's very little joy for me. With all the deaths I've seen this year -- two since Thanksgiving alone -- I'm really not in the mood to be festive. My current job situation has caused me to put my love of giving on hold. I want to be excited, but I'm not. I'm trying not to miss Granny, but I do.

Actually, I thought I was doing pretty good. I know that she's gone, and even though I don't like it, I'm coming to grips with it. This evening, however, I was reminded of my loss as I spoke to a friend of mine. She was telling me about this crazy message her mother left on her phone. Even though the matter ended up being minor, her mother made it sound like it was completely urgent. It reminded me of the time Granny left this message for me -- "Baby, this is Granny. Your mother is missing." Let's just say Granny had a flair for the dramatic.

I was giggling along with my friend when I said, "Man, I should've saved that message." That's when it hit me that I'd never get a crazy message from my grandmother again. That really made me sad. I sucked it up for my friend -- why impose my misery on someone else -- but it still hurt inside.

It's just Christmas Eve, and I'm hoping that this will be the extent of my sadness. After all, I still have my health, my strength, my good friends, and my family. Honestly, I have absolutely no reason to complain. Stay tuned...

2008-12-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

There's a line in the movie Spanglish in which the lead character -- a Mexican immigrant who works as a servant for a suburban white family -- asks her young daughter if what she wants out of life is to become something so much different than her mother. That's the sum total of my thoughts after attending my cousin's memorial service yesterday.

My grandmother was born in rural East Texas in 1911. Her father was a preacher, and I never knew what her mother did. They owned a peanut farm -- which was almost unheard of for Black people -- and had 12 children. The two oldest children died before the other ten were born, and everything was cool. Unfortunately, the good times didn't last, and by the time my grandmother was 13, both of her parents were dead. The kids got separated, and Granny and Aunt Mabel ended up being raised by her father's sister and her husband.

I'm not really sure what kind of conditions she dealt with as far as poverty and stuff, but I know that there weren't many opportunities for Black people -- especially in the Jim Crow South. The most a woman could hope for is to get married and have children. Granny did that at the tender age of 22. The year was 1933.

Granny and her husband, my grandfather, Frank, moved to a larger city. They became the parents of five children -- Sonny, James, Betty, Don, and my mother, Pee Wee. Unfortunately, Frank died when my mother was three. Here was my grandmother, in 1952, with four children at home, no husband, and no job. She got Social Security, but it wasn't enough. Eventually, she started sewing for money, and things were pretty good until she had her stroke. In all her life, she never ventured far from Texas.

While Granny's other four children stayed in close contact, Uncle James did not. He moved to California after he graduated from high school and never looked back. He got married, had four children, and made a life on the West Coast. Granny heard from him a few times a year, and he didn't bring his family around much. When Granny died, none of his children thought enough of her to make the funeral.

Yesterday, I went to a memorial service to honor Uncle James' oldest son, Philip. Even though I didn't know him well, I went because someone has to try to bridge this crazy gap in our family. It was nice because instead of mourning his death, they celebrated his life. His friends, fellow pastors, and family members all stood up to talk about how wonderful a husband, father, son, brother, mentor and friend he was. If only half of everything they said was true, I really missed out on knowing a great man.

After the service, I sat there with this room full of strangers who obviously had love for each other, and wondered why I was there. I hadn't seen my cousins since I was eight, and they didn't even recognize me. Furthermore, everyone there kept referring to me as Pee Wee's daughter. The way they said it let me know that we've probably been discussed in less-than-flattering terms. At one point, one of my cousins told his wife that his father's family was, quote, "difficult." I'm sure that's how they see us, and it made me sad.

What I realize is that my uncle wanted to make a better life for his family than the one he'd had. While I applaud that noble endeavor, it's a shame he felt that he had to cut himself off from his roots to do so. Now we're all a bunch of disjointed branches from the same tree, and I don't like it. I want my family to be close, and I hope that I made a step in the right direction yesterday.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like...?

2008-12-16T11:27:00.000-08:00

For some people, the idea of being in a relationship is wonderful. After years of dating, the thought of being committed to a someone makes them absolutely giddy. There was a time in the not-so-distant past that I thought I was one of the those people. So why am I having an absolute fit now that the possibility is presenting itself?

Let me explain. For the past few weeks, I've been entertaining Mr. Wright. I say entertaining because there's really not too much dating you can do when you're bi-coastal. He's been talking about how much he loves me, how he can't live without me, and how he wants to spend his life with me. Since I really don't believe him, it's okay. Basically, I've been basking in the attention. (Call me crazy, but boredom will cause you to do a lot of things.) However, he changed the game last night when he told me that he was going to tell his children about us. Again, I don't really believe him, but he took it a step further when he changed his relationship status on Facebook. Where it got hairy for me was when he asked me to change mine.

For those of you who don't do the Facebook thing, let me explain. Facebook is the new social networking crack. Everyone I know participates in this site. It's a way for us to keep up with each other's lives without always picking up the phone. For me, it really is an addiction.

Even though I'm blogging and stuff, I still tend to keep my private life to myself. The last thing I need to do is announce that I'm dealing with someone. For one thing, my profession thrives on the young and unattached. That's why I never talk to my colleagues in the industry about what or who I'm doing. Only those in my inner circle get the privilege of getting the details of my life.

Because I was on the phone with him, I went ahead and changed it. The minute I did, I knew that my friends would trip out. True to form, one of my best friends in the whole world was like, "Uh, what do you mean with this 'you're in a relationship' stuff?'" She couldn't imagine that I would make that kind of an announcement in cyberspace without running it by her first. And she wasn't the only one who had something to say. I had at least five folks asking questions and/or congratulating about my new-found relationship status. And that tripped me out.

Why, you ask? Honestly, I really don't know. I've always wanted to be in a relationship, but usually I end up dealing with emotionally handicapped men who either can't or won't commit to me. Because of this fact, I've ended up settling for situations that haven't fulfilled me. That's why I've been celibate for over a year. I decided that if a man wasn't ready, willing, or able to be good to me, I would just forgo the pleasure. While it's been hard, I think it's been worth it.

Now I'm at a point where I cannot settle for unsubstantiated drama and will not tolerate an undesirable situation. As I've said before, Mr. Wright's relationship with me was one that holds many fond memories for him. However, the relationship I was in with him left a sour taste in my mouth. After all the drama and destruction my heart went through at his hand, I find it hard to believe anything he says. As far as he's concerned, I'm from Missouri, and I need him to show me how serious he really is. At this point, I don't know if he can.

And, lest we forget, this man has not one...not two...but THREE children. While I am an avid fan of The Sound of Music, I have no desire to live that way. I'm no Fraulein MackDiva, and the hills are NOT alive with the sound of that kind of music in my world. What would I -- as a single woman with no kids -- look like trying to raise children that are already fully formed?

All in all, I think one of my favorite homeboys summed up this matter best. He said that it's actions -- not words -- that are the real measure of a man. Right now, I find Mr. Wright lacking.

Family

2008-12-12T09:35:00.000-08:00

What does family mean to you? For some of us, a family is a group of people connected by biology. However, as we grow older, shared DNA takes a back seat to shared experiences. The people we love may look like us, but it’s more common for them to be like us in temperament, beliefs, and the like. While families may not always agree with each other, they always disagree in love.

I’m sharing this with you because, yet again, I have lost a member of my biological family. This time, the Grim Reaper claimed my cousin, the child of my mother’s brother. He was 47-years-old – the same age as my mother’s sister when she passed away in 1986. I knew him, but I hadn’t actually seen him since I was 13.

I wish I could say I was hurt, but I can’t. Thanks to distance and indifference, we barely knew each other. Even though he and I share a grandmother, he and his brothers and sister didn’t bother to acknowledge Granny’s life or death. That hurt me more than this does.

Despite these feelings, I will attend his funeral. They may not acknowledge us, but we ARE family, and that's important to me -- especially at a time like this.

Game Over...

2008-12-04T21:39:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, I'm currently working with children. I teach radio broadcasting to kids between the ages of ten and 17 at a Boys & Girls Club in Los Angeles. Even though my job can get nerve-racking at times, I enjoy the moments of clarity in their eyes.

Lately, however, work hasn't been a joy. About two months ago, a pipe burst in the bathroom next to my second-floor studio. Since it happened on the weekend, it went on long enough to flood out the basement. Even though the water didn't make it into my room, the fumes generated from the flood have rendered the building uninhabitable for the next three months. That means that I have to work in other areas of the club.

Please understand, working with children is an entirely new experience for me. I'm learning to like it, but it has to be on my terms. I never have over three kids at time when we're on the air. During auditions, the maximum number of kids I've had is nine. Now that my room is off-limits, I've been placed in the most uncontrolled part of the club -- the game room.

The game room is a catch-all type place for our kids. They have board games, video games, and some rooms have pool tables and Foosball. As you can imagine, the noise is almost unbearable, and those children don't have a lot of respect for those of us who are trying to figure out the best way to handle them.

Since I haven't been able to find anything in my field of expertise, my plan was to stick it out until something else came along. However, I just found out that thanks to the recession, my part-time gig is about to become a quarter-time gig. Basically, the kids aren't coming, and they can't afford to pay so many staffers.

While I'm not completely ready to deal with this turn of events, I'm kinda glad about it. I'm getting the push I need to make the moves I've probably needed to make for a while. I'll keep you posted.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I'm Back

2008-12-01T11:10:00.001-08:00

Even though I don't have a steady man in my life right now -- outside of Jesus, that is -- there are several men that have come through lately. Normally, I just entertain them for the moment and keep it moving. However, as evidenced by previous posts, two of them really got to me. Mr. Perfect always does because he's, well, perfect; and Mr. Wright because his games have been quite inviting.

However...I'm back now.

I recently celebrated my 38th birthday, and after reflecting on the current state of MackDiva, I realize that while I want male companionship, I'm not able or willing to sacrifice my dignity to have it.

No matter how much I want Mr. Perfect to love me, he does not. It's not a bad thing -- it's just the truth. He likes me, he likes the things we do when we're together, but at the end of the day, that's it. And I have to stop wanting more from him because it's not gonna happen.

As for Mr. Wright, let's just say that there's always a reason why an ex is an ex. Sometimes people change, and sometimes they don't. Either way, it doesn't make them bad people. It just makes them not the people for you.

Basically, he misses our relationship. I don't blame him, but the problem is that we were in two different situations. He was with me, and I treated him wonderfully. I was attentive, loving, kind, and honest with him. On the flip, I was with him, and he was aloof, evasive, and insensitive to my needs. And I'm really not in the mood to revisit that strip of memory lane.

So what's on the agenda for 38, you ask? I don't know yet. At this point, I just want to get about the business of living. If a man happens into the equation, so be it. However, if I spend another year as a single woman, I'm not going to trip or think less of myself. I'm just going to work on being the best MackDiva I can possibly be.

2008-11-26T14:54:00.000-08:00

I had to laugh when I read Janelle's post because it was almost like she got inside my head and wrote my words. I, too, have been writing but not publishing. My reasons were much like hers in that I wasn't ready to reveal certain things. However, I'm at a place now where I'm going to have to share.

In order to tell this current story, I'm going to have to go back to another time and place in my life...

The year was 2000, and I was living in the Bronx. My hairdresser, my only friend at the time, had invited me out to kick it after my appointment. The plan was to have drinks and hit a club. So there we were, two beautiful women taking in the nightlife in New York City. We hit the bar, stayed for a while, and headed to the club. Even though my friend is tall and gorgeous, she wasn't giving the men any play because she's happily married.

I, on the other hand, was just trying not to look like wallpaper in her presence. At some point, we got separated as she fended off the testosterone-fueled attention she was getting. I was kind of standing around enjoying the view when this little guy asked me to dance. After surmising that he wasn't a complete troll, we hit the floor. While I'll never be accused of being Denny Terrio -- and if you're too young to recognize the name, you probably shouldn't be reading this -- the liquor in my system allowed me to hold my own with this dancing machine.

We must've put in about an hour before we decided to take a break. By this time, we were both sweaty, and the libations in my system were starting to wear off. When he offered to buy me a drink, I requested water. He brought it back, and we were able to start the standard introductory line of questioning that usually starts with, "Are you married, do you have kids, etc." When he asked me why I was single with no children, I told him that I hadn't found my "Mr. Right." That's when he gave me his business card. Guess what his name was? Mr. Wright! We had a big laugh about it, and since he was into computers, I promised to call him with my fix-it needs.

Well, sure enough, my machine was having issues about three days later. I called Mr. Wright, and he promised to come by and look at it. When he got there, he looked it over as I looked him over. He was short, but he was still taller than me. Also, he was actually attractive. After he'd done all he could do for my computer, he turned his attention to me. Our conversation soon turned to kissing. As I was trying to find a good reason not to take him down the primrose path to sin and degradation, he said to me, "Make me earn it."

To say I was completely blown away would be an understatement. Here was a man actually turning down a chance to get busy. I didn't quite know how to take it, but I let him go home. He called later, but we eventually lost touch.

Fast forward a few months later. We ran into each other somewhere downtown, and we started hanging out. By this time, I guess he felt like he'd earned the right to take me down, and that's exactly what he did. I found out that he was multi-orgasmic. (Sidebar: Ladies, if and when you ever find a multi-orgasmic man, keep him close at hand because it's one of the most wonderful problems a man can have.) It was so intense that I had to ask him to back up off of me after about three solid hours. Needless to say, I was completely strung out. He became my drug of choice, and I was hitting it -- pun intended -- every chance I got. It got so bad that I felt like I was looking for him in the daytime with a flashlight.

Mr. Wright, on the other hand, wasn't as sprung as I was. Yes, he enjoyed himself, and he liked me, but he thought I was getting too serious too fast. In my mind, I couldn't EVER see myself sleeping with anyone else, while he didn't know if monogamy was something he wanted to pursue. His idea was to take things slow and decide along the way if I was the person with whom he could be monogamous. I told him straight up that if he ever slept with someone else, he wouldn't be able to get my goods.

Being the typical man that he was, he decided to test me. Since I was working nights, he would IM me when I woke up. This particular morning, he said that he'd slept with someone. I was hurt, but I pulled myself together enough to ask him if it was good. He said that it wasn't because he didn't feel anything. I said, "Well, that's too bad. I don't know what to tell you." That's when he asked me if I was serious about cutting him off. I said that if he'd thought I was serious, why did you jeopardize it. Even though he later begged and pleaded, I was firm in my conviction, and he eventually left me alone. Although we've had contact over the years -- mostly through IMs and the occasional phone conversation -- I've kept my word.

Fast forward to 2008. I'm living in Los Angeles. Now he's decided that he can't possibly live without me for another moment, and he's bringing his A-game. He saying that he finally sees the error of his ways, and that he needs someone he can love and trust to build a life with, and that person is me. And why, you ask? Because I'm the only woman he's ever met who can hang with him intellectually, make him laugh, and be a great lover all in one. He knows that half-stepping with me isn't an option, and he's determined to do all he can to get me back. He's even trying to help me find a way back to New York.

While I love hearing things like this, I don't know how to take it. Our relationship was intense, to say the least. He broke my heart in so many ways, and it took some time to get past it. I don't know if some areas will ever heal, and the thought of revisiting his brand of pain isn't exactly on my top ten list of things to do.

However...

I'd be lying to myself if I said I wasn't curious. While some people believe in the adage, "Once a cheater, always a cheater," I don't. I actually think people can change. However, I'm not in the mood to be played. That's why I'm listening to what he's saying and watching what he's doing, and not allowing myself to get caught up in the hype.

Lions and Tigers and Bears (Oh My!)

2008-11-17T08:12:00.000-08:00

I usually leave the entertainment-type stuff to my girl, Tiffany, but this song -- Lions and Tigers and Bears by Jazmine Sullivan -- really touched me. How many times have we thought something similar about a romantic situation?

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears,
But I'm scared of loving you.
I'm not scared to perform at a sold-out affairs,
But I'm scared of loving you
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?
Why won't it last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?

Even though this Philly native is only 21, her experience in music is vast. Ms. Sullivan got an early start as a Apollo Amateur Night contestant, and she's been going ever since. She was signed to Jive Records, but got dropped before anything was released. Her singing and songwriting skills were honed by working with Missy Elliot on Fantasia's Free Yourself album and by writing Say I for Christina Milian. By the time she got her solo deal with J Records, she was more than ready to tackle the music world, and her debut offering, Fearless, proves it.

I haven't even made it past Lions and Tigers and Bears, and I'm already loving this album. What's really getting me is the musicality of it. This particular song, which boasts strings and horns and 3/4 feel, inspires the music major in me in a way usually reserved for folks like Donny Hathaway and Marvin Gaye.

I'm sure you can't tell it right now, but my trip to Amoeba -- the Mecca of record stores -- was quite fruitful. In addition to Jazmine, I picked up selections by Wayne Brady, Eric Benet, Mary Mary, and Ty Tribbett & Greater Anointing. As soon as I can get past Lions and Tigers and Bears, I'll let you know about the other stuff I got.

Who am I Fooling?

2008-11-14T00:48:00.000-08:00

I wish I could say I was strong enough not to be moved by a man. Unfortunately, I can't. Yet again, I am in a state of emotional limbo after speaking to Mr. Perfect.

This time, I'm the one to blame. After telling one of my girlfriends about MP, I called him this evening because I wanted to hear his voice. Thanks to the three-hour time difference, I caught him in bed. Even though I offered to let him get his rest, he said he'd get up to talk to me. Mistake number one.

Mistake number two began as we talked about some situations at work. One of the things I've always loved about MP is that we're in the same industry and we can talk about our careers. It's all about having a man relate to me vertically instead of just horizontally.

The final faux pas occurred when I told him that I'd be in his city in a couple of months. I had been debating with myself on whether or not I'd let him know I was coming. All that faded when I heard his sleepy little voice. His response was, "That's good news. I can't wait to see you."

So what, exactly happened tonight? I realized that this man owns a part of me that I don't have the power to keep away from him. Even though I know he's not ready for the kind of relationship I want, I am absolutely powerless to stop my heart from imagining the possibilities. And when he told me that I could always call him, no matter the time, I fell for him all over again.

And So it Begins...

2008-11-07T00:54:00.000-08:00

As America basks in the glory of a Barack Obama presidency, there are still those who seek to tarnish this great nation. The Fort Worth Star Telegram reported several incidents that showcased the intolerance of some people. I'd love to say that I'm surprised, but I'm not. When you grow up in Texas, there are just certain things you expect.

Those incidents notwithstanding, the election of Barack Obama ushers in a new day in our country. Yes, there are those whose collars have dropped low enough for us to see the color of their necks. But I now know that there are more people in this country who are interested in the content of a person's character than the color of his or her skin.

Speaking of the color of Obama's skin, he essentially imbodies what America is. He's got White blood and African blood. This man is, as he puts it, a mutt. And he's our mutt. He's a virtual melting pot of culture, and he's smart, articulate, and classy beyond belief. We've finally got a president to be proud of. And now, for the first time in my adult life, I'm proud to be an American.

Random Election Thoughts

2008-11-05T21:31:00.000-08:00

I'm so extremely proud of our country. We did something I didn't think we would do -- elect a Black man as president. I could wax poetic on what it means to me, an African American, to see Barack Obama in the White House, but you already know it means a lot. I could say a few words on how wonderful it'll be to have a real live Black family in Washington, but again, that's already been done to death. In fact, there's really nothing I could add to the discussion that hasn't been heard before.

However...that won't stop me from weighing in on the most important event in my lifetime. Here are a few election quickies from the mind of MackDiva:

1. I was so proud of John McCain. Even though his own presidential dreams have been utterly and completely dashed, he was still very classy and eloquent in his concession speech. I also believe he meant what he said about working with President Obama. What struck me most was that if the John McCain of last night had been on the campaign trail, the outcome may have been different.

2. I think Tina Fey should be commended for her part in the demise of the Republican ticket. Not to take anything away from the wonder that is Barack Obama, but Ms. Fey's dead-on depiction of Sarah Palin was enough to make the country look at her and her qualifications a little closer. Can someone say cabinet jester, anyone?

3. Speaking of Palin, did you happen to see her face as McCain gave up his ghost? She tried to look strong, but disappointment was etched in her features, too. While I'd love to see her slink back to Alaska and out of sight, I have a feeling that this is just the beginning for her.

4. My heart was bleeding for Barack as he made his victory speech. If you saw his speech at the DNC, you know that his tone was completely different last night. Yes, it was the biggest moment in his life, but I could see the grief in his eyes as he spoke to the crowd at Grant Park. Even though his beloved "Toot" wasn't there in body, I know she was watching his big moment and cheering him on.

And finally...

5. It's time for our country to unite, and we all have to do our part. Even me. When I went to the DNC in Denver, people were giving us all kinds of free stuff as we walked down the street. One of the stickers I got said, "Allergic to Republicans." Because I have a sick and twisted mind, I put mine on top of my laptop. Lately, one of my favorite things to do is to go to places with free wi-fi in my McPalin Country neighborhood and open up my computer. Even though no one's dared to say anything to me about it, one unnamed coffee shop cut off the power to the outlets. I had decided that I return triumphantly today with that "nice-ty" attitude afforded to me by my southern upbringing. However, the mother of one of my friends talked me out of it by bringing up Obama's message of unity. I removed the sticker and put it with my other campaign paraphernalia.

Okay...I'm done.

Yes We Did!

2008-11-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

After almost two years, what we've been working for and waiting for has finally come to pass. Barack Obama is the next president of the United States. While I'd love to wax eloquent on this historic day, I'm too emotional right now. In fact, the only reason I'm posting is that I wanted to have a record of what was done and when.

For my family members who didn't live to see this day...
For the children I hope to have one day...
For Black people and White people and Asian people and Latino people...
For America...

We did it!

A Little Pre-Election Day "Humor"

2008-11-02T02:36:00.000-08:00

If you think that America is a progressive nation, think again. One of my good friends overheard the following conversation between two White women while standing in line at a grocery store in Texas:

Woman 1: You know, we just can NOT let that Democrat get in the White House.
Woman 2: Well, why not? I was really considering him.
Woman 1: Do you know what would happen if he got into the White House?
Woman 2: Well, no. What?
Woman 1: He's gonna put us in White Slavery as payback for what we've done to his people!
Woman 2: Uh, you realize his mother was White?
Woman 1: That don't matter!
Woman 2: Well, I tell you what, I just won't vote for McCain.
Woman 1: Okay, good.

Discuss among yourselves...

Wow!

2008-10-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I couldn't love Barack Obama more...
Just when I thought I'd shed all the tears I could shed...
Just when I thought the man couldn't thrill me more...he aired the 30-minute commercial. And all I can say is...you guessed...WOW!

If there are any undecided voters after seeing last night's infomercial, there's really nothing else to say. Obama laid out his economic plans and punctuated them with real-life stories. He said he wanted to unify our nation. He said he wanted to make health care and education affordable for all Americans.

What more do you need?

Not only that, Barack showed his human side when he spoke about his family. His mother who, on her deathbed, was more worried about how she was going to pay her medical bills than how she was going to get well. His grandparents -- the grandfather who fought in Patton's war, the grandmother who worked in the factories while he was gone. And we saw his children, Malia and Sasha, the girls he speaks to every night from wherever he is. At the end of the day, that's who he's fighting for. He wants to leave this world better for his babies.

Again, what more do you need?

It's no secret that I've been on board with Barack since the primary season. I think he's the kind of leader that we need at a time when our economy is in the toilet, people are losing their houses left and right, and the costs of everyday necessities are going up. His world view will earn us the respect that eluded us during the Bush years, and he will end this pointless war.

Do I think Barack is the messiah? Not hardly. He said it himself that he wasn't a perfect, nor would he be the perfect president. I appreciate his honesty, and with the mess left by the Republican Mafia, it's going to be an uphill battle to straighten it out.

All I know is that Barack Obama is the right leader for America. I'll be voting for him, and I hope you'll join me.

Just a Thought...

2008-10-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know my mind is a dark and twisty place, but I think some things beg further analysis. With that said, here's what I want to know...

Why are there no love songs about ugly people?

This thought came to me several years ago while listening to Monica's Angel of Mine. The line was, "Boy I love you 'cause you are so fine, Angel of Mine." What does being fine have to do with being lovable? If you're not fine, are you then regulated to a loveless existence? And what, pray tell, constitutes "fine?"

Maybe there's a conspiracy going on between the music industry and the fitness and beauty industry. If it were possible for unfortunate looking people to be adored, would they stop pursuing the perfect look? Would gyms go out of business because all of the people who would normally be working out would start spending more time gazing into their lovers' eyes? If Nappy is the Texture of My True Love's Hair was at the top of the charts, would sisters stop using relaxers?

Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. No matter how rugged a person looks to me, they have the potential to be the apple of someone's eye. Heck, I've loved plenty of guys that my friends thought looked like the bottom of their shoes. However, to me, they were absolutely gorgeous.

At the end of the day, there are no ugly people in love because love makes everyone beautiful. Which makes the line, What the world needs now is love, sweet love, make perfect sense.

Is It Just Me...

2008-10-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

...or does this election season seem like the longest one in history? Can we just go ahead and vote already?

Don't get me wrong, it's an exciting time in our history, but enough is enough. Let's just vote and get it over with.

Okay...I'm stepping off my soapbox now...

When Mavericks Collide...

2008-10-25T21:01:00.000-07:00

Maverick (noun) -- a lone dissenter, as an intellectual, an artist, or a politician, who takes an independent stand apart from his or her associates.

Throughout this presidential race, John McCain and Sarah Palin have described themselves as mavericks, the kind of folks who'll take on Washington as we know it. They've promised to bring the kind of change we need as a country, etc.

Of course, we all knew that it would be a matter of time before those two mavericks stood apart from each other, and unfortunately for them, that time is now. According to an article on CNN.com, America's Favorite hockey mom is "going rouge." Apparently, Sarah's going off message and voicing her own opinions at this crucial time in the election process. Furthermore, McCain's aides are describing her as a diva who doesn't listen to anyone.

Apparently Palin realizes that she and McCain won't win, and she's doing what she can to salvage her image in light of what she deemed as a damaging and mismanaged rollout. This woman whose idea of foreign policy is being able to see Russia from her front porch thinks that she will be a future leader of the Republican Party.

While I would like to say that I'm shocked, I really can't. In fact, I find the McCain-Palin situation quite amusing. It brings to mind something Tina Fey said in one of her many depictions of Ms. Palin. In the Palin-Couric skit, Tina (as Sarah) said that John McCain was going, quote, "do all sorts of mavericky things" when and if they made it to the White House. I'm guessing that she sees she won't make it to the big party, so she's getting started with her mavericky things now.

Life, Love, and Complications...

2008-10-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

Just when I think I've got things under control, something happens to turn them upside down again.

I spoke to him last week. We were talking about radio and getting pretty riled up about the state of things in the industry. After I went on a particularly brutal tirade, he said, "See, this is when I miss you the most. I miss your insight and intellect."

Why did he have to say that? Even though I want more from him, I love our friendship. It allows me to pick up the phone whenever I need a word of encouragement, and I get a side of sincerity and honesty to boot. When he calls me, I always end up with a goofy grin that I can't seem to shake. He's the kind of guy a girl could really get used to.

Granted, I miss him so much my heart hurts. I love him more than I should, and I'd take that midnight train to wherever he wanted me to if he just said the word. Unfortunately, we're on opposite sides of the country, which is not conducive to the kind of relationship we both need. That's why I need him to keep stuff like that to himself. Look, I know who I am. I'm extremely emotional, and I get caught up easily. However, that's par for the course we're on.

Now here's where it gets really sticky...

He told me yesterday that the Army offered to send him to school on the West Coast. (He's in the Reserves) He's not sure exactly where he'll be, but anywhere out here will be closer than New York. And he'll be out here for two and a half weeks. That means two full weekends.

What am I supposed to do? I already know that a relationship isn't feasible right now. If he comes out here and I get to spend all kinds of time with him, I may get too comfortable. Worse, what if I fall apart when he leaves?

Why does everything have to be so freakin' complicated? Stay tuned...

In the Mood to Share...

2008-10-23T04:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote this back in July, but I wasn't ready to bare this much of my soul. However, I've changed my mind. Enjoy!

No matter how I try to deny it, there's a part of me that wants to be loved by someone. Actually, not just someone. By my Mr. Perfect. I know who he is, but he has no clue about me.

He called today. Told me I had crossed his mind. I'd like to believe his thoughts wandered to me when he heard a love song. In my perfect world, his memories of laughs we'd shared and talks we'd had would induce a pang of longing in his heart.

Unfortunately, I don't rate that way with him, and it's painful to know that. All he remembers is the sex. Don't get me wrong -- it was VERY good sex -- but I want him to remember the intimacy we shared. I want him to feel what I felt when I was in his arms. When he held me, I caught a glimpse of what my life could be like.

Sometimes I think I want too much. But why shouldn't I want to be loved, cared for, and adored? I may not be perfect, but I deserve to get what I'm willing to give. And I deserve it from someone who makes my heart skip a beat.

I'd love to be able to tell him all that, but I don't. Why should I when he's in New York and I'm in Los Angeles? And honestly, I don't have time to be rejected. And so I close my eyes and wonder when my time will come.

Another Question of the Day...

2008-10-21T06:47:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons I read other blogs is to get other points of view. Sometimes, like today, I feel the need to completely bite from their thoughts because they make sense and I like them.

Having said that, My American Meltingpot, posed an interesting question the other day...

Would it make a difference in our presidential election if Barack Obama's White mother was alive and able to campaign with her son?

Something to think about, right? I have my own opinions -- and I'll share them -- but I wanted to hear what you thought about it first.

***UPDATE***

As I'm sure you've heard, Barack is taking a break from campaigning to be with Madelyn Payne Dunham as she struggles through what could be her final transition. He spent a great deal of time with his 86-year-old mother's mother -- a woman who stepped in and helped raise him -- and he obviously loves her dearly. Let's be honest -- with his history of level-headed thinking, you know it must be important for him to leave the trail at crunch time.

After reading this story on AOL, I took the time to read the comments left by others. To say I was appalled would be a gross understatement. Some of the hate-filled responses were so awful that I wouldn't dare glorify them here, but let's just say that they were hurtful and go a long way to answer our aforementioned question.

Regardless of what you think about a person's political affiliations, at the end of the day we're all human. When our loved ones aren't well, it's virtually impossible to function normally. While I've always been sensitive to the pain of others, my sensitivity to all things regarding grandmothers has been intensified in light of my loss earlier this year. It's hard enough to face the possibility of losing a loved one. The last thing anyone needs in a time like this is to have their motives questioned. I'll be praying for Mrs. Dunham, Barack, and his family during this difficult time, and I hope you'll do the same.

My Question of the Day

2008-10-18T16:56:00.000-07:00

Even though I said I wouldn't worry about it, that guy STILL hasn't called. It's been two weeks since he took my number. One of my friends told me that I shouldn't really be that concerned since he's crazy. I know she's right, but here's my question...

Why take my number if you have no intention of using it?

It's not like I offered it to him. HE asked ME for the math. If he didn't intend to add to my equation, why did he bother to extrapolate my digits? If you ask me, he could've kept it moving.

Okay...that's all I have for now. Stay tuned...