Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

I've always believed that revisiting a romantic situation that didn't work was pointless. There's always a reason things don't work out, and for the most part, those reasons don't change. So why, I ask you, did I find myself at The Baby 's house last night? After our disastrous first date, I didn't really cut him off, but we didn't really hang out again. I would see him around town on occasion, and we'd text every now and then, but nothing major. Then I saw him on Monday, and there was something different about our conversation. He put his arm around me, and it felt good. Then, he was like, "You're looking good. What's up?" Next thing I know, he's asking me to hang out. I was kinda ambivalent, but I didn't rule it out. A few days later, he invited me to "chill" at his house. I probably should've said no, but I didn't. So I went. And I had a good time. Now what? It's been a minute since any decent guy pa...

Over the years, I've felt that sting of racial injustice...when Amadou Diallo's killers were let off the hook for shooting an unarmed man 41 times...and when Rodney King's attackers were acquitted despite videotaped evidence. Now, I feel that way about the Trayvon Martin murder. In case you've been under a rock, George Zimmerman shot the 17-year-old in cold blood because he looked "suspicious." Martin was armed, alright...with an iced tea and some Skittles. His killer hasn't been arrested because he supposedly shot him in self-defense. Seriously? This child was 100 pounds lighter and 11 years younger than him. He was told by the 911 dispatcher to stop following the kid. And call me crazy, when someone is begging for their life -- as heard on the 911 calls from neighbors -- they're hardly in a position to be "threatening." The thing that makes my heart ache is that Trayvon could be any of our sons, brothers, nephews, cousins, and friends. Do y...

Sometimes I wonder... What did I do to end up single at 41. Why none of the guys I loved really loved me back. Where I'd be if I'd never taken chances. Sometimes I wish... That I was skinny and beautiful. That I had children. That I was a better housekeeper. Sometimes I think... That being me is better than being someone else. That my choices have landed me in this quagmire of foolish indecision. That I need more than I probably do. Please explain to me why... My job make me sad. I want to unburden myself, but find myself too afraid to reveal my heart. Rainy days make me too reflective. This is one of those days that I wish I was lost in someone's arms. I'm so tired of being alone. Honestly, I just want to be someone's special someone. And I wonder if if I missed that train because I was too busy working, or socializing, or sleeping. I find myself reflecting on situations that were completely impossible, looking for the redemption that was never found. I'm tired...

One of my good friends is about to turn 30. She asked me if there was any information I could share with her that I wish I'd known at that age. That question alone is one of the many reasons I love this girl. Here's what I told her. Please feel free to add anything you think I left out. Turning 30 is a milestone in a woman's life. It's not the end. In fact, it's more like the beginning. With that in mind, here are a few things I wish I knew when I reached it. 1. Have standards . That means that there should be some non-negotiables in your life. If drugs/smoking/etc. go against your personal code of ethics, don't settle for a person who engages those things just so you can say you have someone. 2. You are worth more than the sum of your parts . Guys will praise you for your body, but keep in mind that you have a brain that works quite well. If a man can't come up with more than, "You so fine," keep it moving. 3. Sometimes it's good to be alone ....

So 2011 is slowly but surely coming to a close. If you're like me, you're taking these last few days to reflect on this year...and trying to figure out what you can do to make the next year better. As I've said before, 2011 has been a year that really defies words. Between losing people I love to changing jobs, I'm still not able to talk about it. When I am, believe me, you'll be the first to know. What I can talk about is what I'd like to see in 2012. I'd like to lick this weight problem once and for all. I want to commit to myself in a way I haven't before. That means daily exercise, cooking, and shopping on a weekly basis. I don't know if I'll be able to maintain all that, but it's a goal. I also want to decorate my apartment. Since I've been in LA, I've moved five times. Naturally, I haven't felt stable. But now that I'm in my 40s, I need to have a place I'm proud to bring people to. I need to be able to have company w...

It's been a minute since I posted, and I apologize for that one. It's been a crazy year, and it's been hard to put into words what's been going on with me. After my last post, I really thought I'd given up on love. I have since changed my mind (as I knew I would). And this particular blog really put it all in perspective for me. Check it out here . I'll be back soon to share my thoughts. Love you, and Merry Christmas.

There comes a time in every woman's life when she finally realizes that all hope is gone. And that time has come for me. After hoping and wishing and praying for a boyfriend, I'm giving up the ghost. Even though I have an unlimited amount of unconditional love to give, I am fast approaching the "I don't give a damn" space. This is new for me. I try to be the eternal optimist. I work hard to see the positive in every situation. But after looking at the abyss that is my life, I just can't. My body will never be beautiful in that Hollywood, plastic surgery kind of way. No matter how hard I try, I just can't fit into anyone's definition of beautiful. And to top it off, I'm a 40-year-old workaholic with bad credit. What man in his right mind would want me? I know this all sounds hopeless and pessimistic. That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning. Stay tuned...