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Deferred...Denied?

I want babies. I know that's not what a 47-year-old woman should say, but it's true. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a mini-me. I want to take someone shopping, teach them to read, spank them when they need it. I want to be a mother.

Although I'm not a slouch in any department, this is one thing I haven't been able to achieve. Because I want a husband to go along with a baby, I have been locked out of the 'hood. Motherhood, that is. And matrimony...but we're not talking about that right now.

I have tried to reconcile myself to the fact that babies may not be in my future. I really have. When I was with New Boo and My Teddy Bear, I considered procreation with them just to have the family I wanted. (I'm SO thankful that God didn't do that to me.) I've been doing pretty good. 

Then this happened...

The fibroids are back. Apparently I have several, and two of them are large. So big, in fact, that my doctor said that my uterus is the size of six-month pregnancy. 

I don't want a hysterectomy. To me, it's like giving up another dream. I've given up so much at this point.

I'm not a singer. I'm not a millionaire. I'm not famous. I'm not thin. I'm not glamorous. I'm not married. I'm not even in a good relationship.

Now this? I know that God is good, but I sometimes feel like He really forgot about me.

I often wonder if all the transgressions of my youth and semi-youth are coming back to bite me. Did have so much subpar and immoral fun that the one noble thing I wanted for my life is out of reach?

Is this my fault?

And it doesn't help that New Boo's birthday was Friday. That's also the day that The Man Formerly Known as The One died. And one of my friends lost her brother on that same day. While I never dated the brother -- he asked me out once and then proceeded to stand me up -- it still makes me feel some kinda way to know that he died that particular day.

Bottom line...I'm sad. I'm in pain -- both physical and emotional -- and I'm lonely. At this moment in time, I don't see a way out.

And I know that this feeling will pass. I'll tuck all this heartache away and I'll smile and act like everything is alright. I'll laugh again. I'll even dream again. But right now, I want to cry.

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