Skip to main content

I Can't

New Boo and I actually went out. He'd asked me, and after a few misses, we finally ended up at dinner. We ate, he paid, he walked me to work, bought me a watch off the street, and we had a conversation at my job.

It took me a minute to figure out why there was a knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes. Now I get it.

When I look in his eyes, I see the architect of my greatest heartache. And try though I might, I can't shake that image. But my heart is still so open to him because, in spite of all we've been through, I love him.

All he'd have to do is show me that he's changed. That he's ready to love me like I need to be loved. That he's not "settling" for me because nothing else has worked out for him.

I am not a consolation prize. I'm not someone you settle for. I'm freakin' awesome.

I think he sees me as weak and pathetic...someone he can dangle a carrot in front of and get what he needs for the moment. Sadly, I've not done anything to change that perception of me because my poor heart has been just that desperate.

But I've done my very best to move on and grow. I'm not dating anyone right now, but it's because I haven't found anyone I deem worthy. I want someone who wants me. Someone I can build with because he wants it as much as I do.

Until I see this in him, he'll forever be the one with whom I can't deal.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A New Possibility?

If you've been reading EFTDOAD for any length of time, you've probably noticed that I haven't really talked about a man. By that, I mean a man of my own. What's really sad is that there hasn't been a man in my life for the entire time I've been writing this blog. I hate that. However, things may be looking up for me. One of my good friends hosts a forum in Los Angeles called " Battle of the Sexes ." This monthly event consists of guys and girls submitting questions anonymously to the moderators, with the answers being discussed in an open forum. It can get quite rowdy, and the discussions are always enlightening. For most of us, it's the first time we've really heard what members of the opposite sex think. I've been attending these Battles for a few months now. Even though I'm not a fan of mindless rhetoric, it's cool to be around some single people who can think and put together coherent sentences. The last couple of times I'v...
5 comments
Read more

Life Matters: My Take on All This Madness

I am vexed beyond words about the situation with the two police officers being shot in Brooklyn. What bothers me is the blatant disregard for life -- on both sides. The man who felt like it was okay to take the lives of two police officers CLEARLY had no disregard for life because he took theirs and his own. And then there are the situations with Eric Garner and Michael Brown. Both situations show a disregard for life. For humanity, really. And it's painful to me that all of these families will have holes in them because someone felt like it was okay to take a life. There was a time in the not-so-distant past when people could fight and disagree -- and everyone went home to fight another day. When did it become okay to kill a person for whatever reason? As quiet as it's kept, by NOT indicting the police officers for killing those guys, it shows that life doesn't really matter. And it's easy to say Black life (and believe me, I do believe that it's open season ...
3 comments
Read more

The Baby...

I heard from The Baby today. The Baby is a young man I met at work. Nice enough guy...he's 29...new to the radio game...and tall and lanky like I like 'em. He showed up at our studios because he was caught in the throes of his format's contract negotiations. When I saw him, I was kinda speechless. Not because he was cute -- he was -- but because I NEVER see other chocolate faces at my job. The conversation we had was one part interesting, one part amusing, but completely charming. Even though my interest in him was purely professional, we exchanged numbers. See, in addition to working as a radio engineer, he also has the inside track to this weekly show I like. For me, that was it. We exchanged a few texts, but nothing major. Then, one day he said that we should hang out. Since I'm always down for an adventure, I accepted. We ended up spending the day at the beach. We had a good time, but there were some definite red flags for me... For one, he didn't tip ...
4 comments
Read more