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Holiday Blues

I tend to think of myself as skilled. I may not be domesticated in the traditional ways of Southern women, but I know how to navigate most situations. However, this year I find myself at a loss.

My uncle is gone. Even though I didn't see him or even talk to him on a regular basis, I could always count on hearing from him for the holidays and my birthday. This year will be the first time without him. I am completely broken up about it. All I can hear is his wife saying, "He's gone," when she went to check on him. I feel like the whole world shifted on its axis after that statement.

I don't know how to do this -- live in a world without him. He's literally been there since I was born. When I went on my ill-fated quest to find myself a father, he was the first one I asked. He was the one I wanted to follow everywhere. It was him who set the standard -- good or bad -- for the men in my life. If a man couldn't be as cool as my uncle, I didn't want to be bothered.

How I wanted to take my future husband home to meet him. I wanted my uncle to smote him over and give his seal of approval to the person who'd be my everything. Since Granny couldn't be bothered to wait around for that fateful day, I was so hoping that Unc could do it. Now? I have no elder statesperson -- except my mom -- to see about me and my future.

Yes, I know that middle age when our worlds start to change and we take over the "old people" roles. I know that this day comes for everyone. I guess I just never thought it would happen for me. I fully expected my uncle to see 100,

Honestly, I thought I understood how sad the holidays can be when Granny died. Now that Unc is gone, I almost feel like Christmas should be canceled completely.

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