My friend said to me, "How did you manage to let him change your life in the course of a year?"
I didn't know how to tell her.
We were going to Brooklyn for an annual party that our friends give. When I went last year, I ended my night with New Boo because he didn't live far from there. This year, I hesitated to go. And when we got off the train and started walking toward the house, my heart was flooded with the memory of that night and I was sad. So much had changed in a year.
When she asked me that, I knew I couldn't speak without tears, so I walked along in silence.
Here's the deal -- while it seemed to my friends that I was giving up my life, I didn't feel that way. I thought we were building a life together. That's what he told me -- that it would be me and him. And I bought it. Hook, line, and sinker. I wanted to believe it.
Did I like my life? Sure. But I realize that I wanted more out of it. I wanted someone to belong to. I wanted someone who gave a damn about me. I wanted to feel like I was a part of something bigger. And I wanted a family.
That's what this relationship was to me -- the building of a family. I thought we were knitting our lives together so we could make a future complete with memories and everything.
Basically, I was investing in my forever.
A year later, I see that wasn't the case at all.
What I see now is that I was a part of the selfish vision of a selfish man. A selfish, childish man who couldn't offer what he asked for. By the time I found this out, I was too far in to just let go.
So I cry. I look sad. I try not to think of this man who sold me a bill of goods for a situation he never intended to let happen. And while I'm doing a whole hell of a lot better, I'm not there yet.
I didn't know how to tell her.
We were going to Brooklyn for an annual party that our friends give. When I went last year, I ended my night with New Boo because he didn't live far from there. This year, I hesitated to go. And when we got off the train and started walking toward the house, my heart was flooded with the memory of that night and I was sad. So much had changed in a year.
When she asked me that, I knew I couldn't speak without tears, so I walked along in silence.
Here's the deal -- while it seemed to my friends that I was giving up my life, I didn't feel that way. I thought we were building a life together. That's what he told me -- that it would be me and him. And I bought it. Hook, line, and sinker. I wanted to believe it.
Did I like my life? Sure. But I realize that I wanted more out of it. I wanted someone to belong to. I wanted someone who gave a damn about me. I wanted to feel like I was a part of something bigger. And I wanted a family.
That's what this relationship was to me -- the building of a family. I thought we were knitting our lives together so we could make a future complete with memories and everything.
Basically, I was investing in my forever.
A year later, I see that wasn't the case at all.
What I see now is that I was a part of the selfish vision of a selfish man. A selfish, childish man who couldn't offer what he asked for. By the time I found this out, I was too far in to just let go.
So I cry. I look sad. I try not to think of this man who sold me a bill of goods for a situation he never intended to let happen. And while I'm doing a whole hell of a lot better, I'm not there yet.
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