I'm constantly learning about myself. What I'm finding out is not necessarily great.
Inasmuch as I like people, I realize that I don't want them close to me. The reason this matters is that I'm a public figure. I work in radio, which means that I'm able to talk to people without being around them. Now that I want to boost my profile, I'll have to be more social. I don't even know how.
This weekend, I did an event where I was introduced as my public persona, and I don't think I handled it right. I was supposed to mingle and talk to people...take pictures...etc. Instead, I sat with the people I knew and got tipsy. I don't think it was noticeable, but I was kinda disappointed in myself.
That's a feeling I'm experiencing a lot lately. Disappointment with myself, that is. That's a discussion for another day.
As I reviewed my life, as I often do when I'm upset, I realized that I've never liked being around a lot of people. One of my grandmother's favorite stories to tell about me was when she got the sheetrock in her house fixed. The workers made me nervous and I hid behind the couch. When she asked what was wrong, I said, "There's too much people in here, Granny."
When I'm in a situation with a lot of people, I tend to retreat within myself. I may be physically in the room, but all of a sudden, my phone becomes quite fascinating to me. Or I'll just sit quietly and watch the action unfold. What I don't do is engage, and I'm sure I don't look engaging. If someone approaches me, I'm nice. But it's VERY rare that I do the approaching. And right now, that bothers me.
What's crazy is that my cousin is a lot like me. She's a business owner, and I told her a few years ago that she was going to have to come out of her shell. This weekend, I saw her turn it on. I'm so proud of her. She's really doing her thing.
Now I've got to get there. Y'all pray.
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