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Passing Me By...

It's Mother's Day.

This is the first time I've been sad about not being a mother.

Until this year, I always thought it was a possibility. Now? Not so much. And it hurts more than I thought it would.

I find myself looking at babies and pictures of babies and women who have children and I'm sad. I know it's not their fault, but sometimes I feel like they get to flaunt their functionality in the face of those who couldn't fulfill the one thing that's unique to women.

I hate that I'll never have a min-me to shop with...someone to shape and nurture. I won't have first steps, first days of school, graduations, weddings, or anything where I'll be honored as the mother. Of course, there's no guarantee that I'd have a great kid. I could have a troubled child that I'd have to bail out of jail every other month, or one I'd be afraid of or afraid for his or her whole life.

Either way, it seems like that ship has sailed for me. And it makes me sad.

And please know this -- I don't hate the day, and I celebrate with my mom and the other mothers out there. I think it's awesome to be someone's mother, and I would never want to rain on their parades.

But unless something drastic happens, this will just be another day for me to sit on the sidelines and observe.

Love, life, and now motherhood...all passing me by.

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