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Not Today...

I do realize that there will come a day when none of this will bother me. I will look back on this time as an unfortunate but necessary part of my life. I will grow and become a better woman because of the heartache I've endured at the hands of New Boo.

Today is not that day.

Trust me when I tell you I'm waiting for it. And waiting for it. Seriously waiting.

And lest I put all the blame on him, I have to take some for myself. Yes, he fed me a bunch of madness, but my love-starved mind and heart wanted to believe so bad that I did. That's not his fault. I should've known better. I didn't.

Now I'm trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I'm alone again, with no one to care for me. I made a decision today not to contact him again. I miss him, but it's clear that he doesn't miss me. And I'm not going to make a nuisance of myself just so I can feel some kinda way.

I realize that I'm pitiful. A blubbering mess over a man who couldn't care less. That makes me even sadder than I already am. It would be different if he cared. It would be different if it mattered to him that I was hurting. Or if my absence in his life meant something to him. His actions -- which pushed me away in the first place -- say it doesn't.

One of my friends told me to be kind to myself. She said that whatever I'm feeling is okay. It's hard, though. I see him for all he is and isn't. I should be able to just let it go and be okay with it. But I can't because it hurts so freakin' bad.

I honestly cannot wait for the bright spots in this thing. For the smiles that have to eventually come back to me.

But today is not that day.

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