Skip to main content

Not Today...

I do realize that there will come a day when none of this will bother me. I will look back on this time as an unfortunate but necessary part of my life. I will grow and become a better woman because of the heartache I've endured at the hands of New Boo.

Today is not that day.

Trust me when I tell you I'm waiting for it. And waiting for it. Seriously waiting.

And lest I put all the blame on him, I have to take some for myself. Yes, he fed me a bunch of madness, but my love-starved mind and heart wanted to believe so bad that I did. That's not his fault. I should've known better. I didn't.

Now I'm trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I'm alone again, with no one to care for me. I made a decision today not to contact him again. I miss him, but it's clear that he doesn't miss me. And I'm not going to make a nuisance of myself just so I can feel some kinda way.

I realize that I'm pitiful. A blubbering mess over a man who couldn't care less. That makes me even sadder than I already am. It would be different if he cared. It would be different if it mattered to him that I was hurting. Or if my absence in his life meant something to him. His actions -- which pushed me away in the first place -- say it doesn't.

One of my friends told me to be kind to myself. She said that whatever I'm feeling is okay. It's hard, though. I see him for all he is and isn't. I should be able to just let it go and be okay with it. But I can't because it hurts so freakin' bad.

I honestly cannot wait for the bright spots in this thing. For the smiles that have to eventually come back to me.

But today is not that day.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A New Possibility?

If you've been reading EFTDOAD for any length of time, you've probably noticed that I haven't really talked about a man. By that, I mean a man of my own. What's really sad is that there hasn't been a man in my life for the entire time I've been writing this blog. I hate that. However, things may be looking up for me. One of my good friends hosts a forum in Los Angeles called " Battle of the Sexes ." This monthly event consists of guys and girls submitting questions anonymously to the moderators, with the answers being discussed in an open forum. It can get quite rowdy, and the discussions are always enlightening. For most of us, it's the first time we've really heard what members of the opposite sex think. I've been attending these Battles for a few months now. Even though I'm not a fan of mindless rhetoric, it's cool to be around some single people who can think and put together coherent sentences. The last couple of times I'v...
5 comments
Read more

Life Matters: My Take on All This Madness

I am vexed beyond words about the situation with the two police officers being shot in Brooklyn. What bothers me is the blatant disregard for life -- on both sides. The man who felt like it was okay to take the lives of two police officers CLEARLY had no disregard for life because he took theirs and his own. And then there are the situations with Eric Garner and Michael Brown. Both situations show a disregard for life. For humanity, really. And it's painful to me that all of these families will have holes in them because someone felt like it was okay to take a life. There was a time in the not-so-distant past when people could fight and disagree -- and everyone went home to fight another day. When did it become okay to kill a person for whatever reason? As quiet as it's kept, by NOT indicting the police officers for killing those guys, it shows that life doesn't really matter. And it's easy to say Black life (and believe me, I do believe that it's open season ...
3 comments
Read more

The Baby...

I heard from The Baby today. The Baby is a young man I met at work. Nice enough guy...he's 29...new to the radio game...and tall and lanky like I like 'em. He showed up at our studios because he was caught in the throes of his format's contract negotiations. When I saw him, I was kinda speechless. Not because he was cute -- he was -- but because I NEVER see other chocolate faces at my job. The conversation we had was one part interesting, one part amusing, but completely charming. Even though my interest in him was purely professional, we exchanged numbers. See, in addition to working as a radio engineer, he also has the inside track to this weekly show I like. For me, that was it. We exchanged a few texts, but nothing major. Then, one day he said that we should hang out. Since I'm always down for an adventure, I accepted. We ended up spending the day at the beach. We had a good time, but there were some definite red flags for me... For one, he didn't tip ...
4 comments
Read more