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Showing posts from January, 2018

UGH!

I can NOT believe what happened today.

I heard from New Boo. After five months.

I had blocked his number. He got a new one. He texted me. I didn't know it was him until he said, "It's your favorite 6'5."

Why?

Why did he call? Why did I talk to him? Why did we fall into a conversation like nothing ever happened? And why do I feel crazy?

He does not want to be in my life. I don't want him in my life -- not unless he wants to REALLY be in my life.

I wish I could reconcile my heart with the facts. I hate that he's put me in this position.

Why can't he love me like I need him to?

Ugh.

Deferred...Denied?

I want babies. I know that's not what a 47-year-old woman should say, but it's true. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a mini-me. I want to take someone shopping, teach them to read, spank them when they need it. I want to be a mother.
Although I'm not a slouch in any department, this is one thing I haven't been able to achieve. Because I want a husband to go along with a baby, I have been locked out of the 'hood. Motherhood, that is. And matrimony...but we're not talking about that right now.
I have tried to reconcile myself to the fact that babies may not be in my future. I really have. When I was with New Boo and My Teddy Bear, I considered procreation with them just to have the family I wanted. (I'm SO thankful that God didn't do that to me.) I've been doing pretty good. 
Then this happened...
The fibroids are back. Apparently I have several, and two of them are large. So big, in fact, that my doctor said that my uterus is the size of six-mo…

For My Friend...

I miss her.

Even though it's been almost 25 years since my friend was snatched away from me in the most heinous fashion I could possible imagine, I still think of her.

She was so much fun. We would giggle for hours on end about any and everything. We were so young. Life was just beginning for us, and we couldn't wait to get out and live it.

She never made it out.

A guy she liked -- one I introduced her to -- made an executive decision to take her life because she wouldn't give up her TV for his drug habit. How I wish she would've let the TV go. If we'd known then how the medium would devolve, she would have.

She missed everything.

The internet, two-way pagers, text messages, social media, smartphones, aging...she was gone before any of that came into play.

There are times I wonder how she'd be. Would we still be friends or would our relationship go the way of so many college friendships? Would she be married with kids? Would she be a successful superwoman with …