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Showing posts from 2010

On the Outside Looking In...Again...

I found out a few weeks ago that a former coworker is getting married. She's in her 20s, and I'm not sure how long she and her man have been dating. On the other hand, a current coworker, who's been with his girlfriend for less than a year, announced his engagement today. He and his girl are older and decided that waiting wasn't an option.

Understand that I'm extremely happy for both of them. I am. But it leads me to one question...

What's wrong with me?

Mr. Wonderful and I broke up after I found out definitively that he has no interest in marriage and family...at least not with me. And I wasn't willing to settle for being his PYT forever. I put in almost two years worth of my blood, sweat, and tears into that relationship. And I'd rather know now and be a little hurt than for us to be together for three, four, or 10 years.

Although I didn't get the ring, I did get a lot of knowledge. I know myself better and I know what I want. I also gained s…

A Trip Down Memory Lane, Pt. 1

My life has been humming along quite nicely. But something happened to throw a wrench in my beautifully laid plans. To help you understand it, I need to take you back...

The year was 1992. I was a music major in the second semester of my first year. I had a room by myself in the poshest dorm on campus, and all was well in my world. I had great friends, and I wasn't doing too badly in my classes. In fact, I was an active member of my church choir and the gospel choir on campus. As a result, I wasn't really going out a lot...mostly to gigs and hanging with my peeps. As far as guys were concerned, there wasn't anyone special. I had given up all my playthings to dedicate my life to Christ. And while I did get caught slipping on occasion, I made it a point to get that under control with a quickness.

There were a couple of guys in my classes that kinda caught my eye, though. They were commuter students, which meant they didn't live on campus. One in particular took two …
Today is one of those gray days that make me feel a little melancholy. For me, a day without sunshine looks like the world is mad.

My heart is sore right now. As a person who loves Jesus unequivocally, I'm sensitive to attacks against the body of Christ. Whether true or not, I hate it when situations arise that make people -- especially unbelievers -- look at Christians like we're crazy.

And I'm hurting because of what's currently going on in Atlanta with Bishop Eddie Long. If you haven't had the pleasure of hearing about it, here's the link to CNN. In a nutshell, three young men are alleged that the good Bishop coerced them into having sex with them.

I'm not going to go into anyone's guilt or innocence. It's not my place to do so, and since I believe what the Bible says in 1 Chronicles 16:22 (Do not touch My anointed ones, And do My prophets no harm), I'm keeping my mouth shut. However, I can't deny how I feel. It's hurtful to me b…

An Update

My homie went to meet Jesus today. No matter how sad I am, I know that God does all things well. That's enough to keep me from going off the deep end. I also know he's not suffering anymore.

My fav homie lived, loved, and laughed to the fullest from September 29th, 1971 until this day, September 8th, 2010. I'm gonna miss him tremendously. Please pray for his family...

A Lesson Before Dying

I just received the news that one of my friends from high school is dying. His second transplanted liver has failed him, and the doctors have given up on him. Now, the only way he can stay in the land of the living is by a miracle...(and yes, I do believe in them.) He's 38.

Of all my classmates that have died, I know I'll take this one the hardest. Why? For one, he's a cool dude who didn't mind telling me letting me in on The Secret Lives of Men. When I was a broke college student, he and his wife -- who's also my good friend -- would make sure I was able to hang out with them in the manner to which I was accustomed. And when my mom made her big move to the city, he and one of his homies came and packed the truck.

What makes his impending death even sadder to me is that it could've been avoided. See, the reason his liver is failing him now is that he put it to work too early. He started drinking on a daily basis when we were in high school.

He used to car…

Random Releases...

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color
--W.S. Merwin

I need to write today. (Actually, I probably need to write everyday, but that's beside the point.) I work as a writer, but today, I need to release some things from my soul. I need to share my heart...and this is the best venue for me to do it.

For one, I miss having good, close friends within a reasonable distance. By that, I mean people I can call on to go shopping or hanging or whatever. I have friends in California, but they're new friends...which isn't bad by any stretch...but sometimes, you don't want to explain yourself.

And I'm missing Granny. I'm sure it's just because I'm lonely. Overall, I've dealt with her being gone, but lately, I've been thinking about visiting my East Texas. And I haven't really dealt with it in real time...meaning that I haven't been in her hometown since she took her leave of us. I don…

Nobody Wins....

I'm listening to Nobody Wins a War, a song on Raheem DeVaughn's latest album, The Love & War MasterPeace. I like it because it reminds me of something Marvin Gaye would do. Plus, it's reflective of my mood.

I've realized -- for real -- that the end is near.

Mr. Wonderful and I had another discussion about the baby thing, and he told me...in no uncertain terms...that for him, having a child was a non-negotiable. He said it wouldn't be a good look for him to have a child younger than his grandson. And I get it. Really I do. But what does that have to do with me? When I asked him, all he could do is give me that discussion-ending 'what about you' look.

So while we haven't officially called it quits, it's coming for us sooner than later. And the thought of it makes me sad. With all the ins and outs of our relationship, I still love him. And honestly, he's the first guy with whom I could actually see myself taking the procreation plunge. I wish he …
Have you ever been in a place in your life where you just can't explain it? That's where I am today. So many things are happening, and I don't know how to put them together. I'm gonna give you a random overview now, and reserve the right to explain at a later date...

1. I still haven't finished moving into my new apartment. All of my stuff is out of storage -- Thank God!!! -- but I don't have the gas on yet. That means no hot showers...and I can't live like that. After a mini-fiasco with the gas company last week, it should be on tomorrow.

2. My boss isn't getting any better. In fact, she's getting worse. No feedback on my work for two weeks. As if that's not bad enough, she hasn't said hello or good morning, either. Today I get an email saying she hasn't liked what I'd written for the last two scripts. Call me crazy...but if you didn't like what I was doing, wouldn't it be wise to let me know? After all, my three-m…

We're Moving...Again!

Dear readers, your girl is on the move again. After seven months of cohabitation, I signed a lease on my very own apartment over the weekend! Can I just say that I'm too excited? I've had apartments before -- and this'll be the fifth move in three years -- but this one just feels different to me. I guess it's because I need it so bad right now.

And how is Mr. Wonderful taking it, you ask? He was shocked, to say the least. Even though I told him I'd be getting my own place, I don't think he really believed me. When I told him, I made it a point not to act too excited. I let him know that I don't love him any less, but it'll be better for us if I have my own space.

So that's pretty much what's going on in the life. And as far as the relationship is concerned -- because one of my dear readers asked about it -- we're still good. Don't know how long it'll be like that, but until it's over, I'm gonna enjoy it and him. :)

The War is Over and Other Stuff...

After a week of being angry with Mr. Wonderful, I decided to let it go. As I told you before, I'm not cut out for war. I'm a woman of peace. And our weekend was great. We ended up hanging out at Venice Beach with friends. Overall, a good time was had by all. Were the issues resolved? Not really, but sometimes you have to concede to live peacefully.

So now we move on from the personal to the professional. And that's where the next conflict begins...

My boss tripped out on me. Big time. And even if I did kinda deserve it, the way she went about it was completely uncalled for. Here's what happened...

We have to write scripts, which are made up of four stories. She assigns these, and we work on them. I had just finished a script on Thursday, so I was waiting for her to assign me four more on Friday. In the meantime, I did what any other person would do while waiting...checked my email, updated my Facebook page, etc. After a while, I was like, "Uh, maybe I s…

Oh Boy...

Okay...can I just say that I'm not cut out for war? Even though I'm the wronged party, I'm the one suffering. My stomach is in knots, my head hurts, and I can't rest. (Anyone who knows me well KNOWS I'm having a hard time if sleep isn't peaceful.) I can barely get my work done, and the dreams...they're driving me up the wall.

Last night's episode found me living with some old man in the back of some church-like building. My pastor stopped by help us do something -- again, I can't tell you what. Anyway, he saw me coming from the man's living quarters into the sanctuary. Naturally, I was embarrassed, but when the pastor called me over to talk to him, I woke up.

All of this just confirms what I've known for a while now....I need to get out of his house as soon as I possibly can. Even though I hadn't planned to make a move for a few months, it looks like the time has come.

And just so you know...he hasn't apologized. I'm guessi…

The Art of War

I've never really been a fighter. It's never thrilled me to have to stand up and ask for what I felt should be mine. In my opinion, you should just give it to me. But since nothing ever works like that, I've had to come out of my comfort zone on several occasions to demand fairness. And that's what has happened with me and Mr. Wonderful.

As I've told you before, it drives me up the wall when he moves my stuff. It probably wouldn't be so bad, but he sorts it out and hides it from me. I've asked him several times not to do that, but he insists upon it. So when I got home the other day to find my stuff moved...AGAIN...I lost it. His excuse was that he was cleaning up. I was like, "Okay. I get that. But could you at least wait until I get home to move my stuff so I'll know where it is?" And he gave me that look reserved for the terminally stupid.

I should explain that I NEVER go through his stuff. I personally find it disrespectful. Be…

Wednesday's Child

"Wednesday's child is full of woe..."

She was born on a Wednesday and died on a Wednesday, and looking at her life, you could see how the childhood rhyme could've applied. Death had visited her more than a few times...both of her parents by 13, her husband at 42, and a host of other siblings, relatives, children, and friends in her lifetime. And all of that went on within a 30 mile radius of where she grew up in Jim Crow's South.

Yet...

She had a special brand of joy. Her faith in God was strong, and although she wasn't a wealthy woman by any means, she had plenty of love around her. And we all loved her. Even now, two years after we said our final goodbye, I still think of her every day. Her words and laughter continue to shape my life as I grow up into a woman I think she'd be proud of.

And so today, through my tears, I celebrate the life and times of my precious Granny...my first friend and best magic, and an all-around awesome woman.

Contemplating My Return to Singleness...

Now that I'm getting ready to give Mr. Wonderful the ol' heave-ho, I'm beginning to think about what life will be like on the other side.

If you've ever spent any time being single, you know how crazy it can be. There are guys out there who see us in our solitary glory and feel the need to help us rectify what they see as a bad situation. If they were actually bringing something other than a big...ego and a smile, I might be interested. Now that I'm more mature, I just don't have time for foolishness.

In the very near future, I see myself living alone, going out with friends, and enjoying my life as an independent woman. Does this mean I don't want the husband and kids? Not at all. I'd love to have someone to grow old with. However, I'm not going to mope about it until it happens. I'm going to live. And if, by chance, a nice gentleman comes along who wants to enhance my life, I just might let him.

The Beginning of the End, Part Two

I'm not actively breaking up with Mr. Wonderful, but I think I've finally divested my heart from him. And why, you ask? Because, dear reader, he finally made his fatal statement.

As I've told you before, he's much older than me. His children are already grown and he's not in the market for more. And believe me, I get it. If I were his age, I'd be looking forward to playing with the grandbabies and sending them home to their parents, too.

However...

That's not the case for me. I don't have kids yet, and I'd like to have them. Nothing is guaranteed...and it's not like my biological clock is ticking like crazy. But I want to have the option of procreating with the man I love, and if that can't happen with Mr. Wonderful, I've got to keep it moving.

So here's how it went down...we were watching the movie Overboard with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. At the end, Russell asked Hawn what he could possibly give her she didn't already h…

Where I Am Today...

I know I'm supposed to be working, but I really don't have it in me today. Instead, I read Chris Jones' Esquire article on Roger Ebert. For those of us who came of age during the 1980s, Siskel & Ebert were our go-to movie critics. Their thumbs determined which movie would get my hard-earned allowance. And they were just as much a part of my childhood landscape as Michael Jackson and Soul Train.

Seeing Ebert's trademark look ravaged by cancer just brought me back to the reality that so many of the things that made my childhood special were leaving. And that's where I am today.

Next Friday will be the second anniversary of my grandmother's death. She was such a force in my life, and I can still hear her voice in my head. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her and what she would do or say. Even though I'm not actively mourning now -- thank God -- I've been getting a little misty lately. Since she took her leave of th…

A Woman's Perogative

As a woman, I have the right to change my mind. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I'm doing today in the case of MackDiva vs. Mr. Wonderful. Even though I told you that the end was near, I have now decided to give this thing a chance.

Why, you ask, would I reconsider my original position...especially since I said wasn't in love with him? Well, after careful consideration, I realized something -- I've never really been in love. Oh sure...I've been infatuated with a man to the point of distraction, but I've never been with someone long enough to see how my emotions would change with time.

Even though this man gets on my ever-loving nerves, we still get along great. We're comfortable with each other, and I don't have to be fake with him. He's seen me at my worst and still calls me beautiful. He remembers things I forget, and he cooks for me. Seriously, I would be stupid to just let him go.

Are things perfect? Not by a longshot. I still get irr…

Good News for MackDiva

If you been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that the one thing that has eluded me during my time here in Los Angeles is full-time employment. During these three years, it's been a struggle to stay afloat, and I've been really frustrated about it. However, I'm now happy to report that that's all changed. I am now employed as...wait for it...wait for it...a writer! (Imagine that! LOL) I'll now be a full-time writer -- with benefits -- for a popular radio show. I call it popular because it's on 350 stations across the US and Canada. I start next week.

I want to take this time to thank all of you who've been praying for me and crying with me during this journey. All I can say is to God be the glory for this thing He's done. I'm TRULY looking forward to 2010 now. :)

The Beginning of the End...

The Bible says that sin is only good for a season. Unfortunately, that season is now over, and I'm done with Mr. Wonderful. Don't get me wrong. I still love him and probably always will, but this cohabitation situation has made me see that I'm not in love with him. In addition, there are some things on which I cannot and will not compromise.

For one, I want a family. Even though I'm almost 40, I would like to be a wife and a mother. At this point in my life, there's no guarantee that babies are in my future. However, I don't want the option not to exist. Mr. Wonderful has already been there and done that and has no interest in going that route again. He hasn't come out and said it like that -- even though I wish he would -- but he's always hemming and hawing when the subject comes up.

Another thing that's important to me is my faith. I love the Lord Jesus Christ. If it's in the Bible, I'm all for it. Am I a perfect and holy person all the time…

The Bird and the Fish

I know that knowledge is power, but is it wrong not to want to know everything? Here's why I'm asking. While I love that Mr. Wonderful is knowledgeable about most things, I don't necessarily want to know that much. He, on the other hand, spends his time watching The History Channel so he can know everything. He then takes this knowledge and spews it out in every conversation he has.

When we first met, Mr. Wonderful's tendency to know everything didn't' really bother me. I loved that he could speak intelligently on any subject. However, as we've been together, I've been realizing that it's not fun to talk to someone who knows so freakin' much. There's no room for imagination or pondering. In addition, he tries to make me feel stupid because I don't know the same things he does.

One of his passions is movies. I think he's seen almost every film ever made, and can quote from them verbatim. In addition, he knows all of the actors, their li…

Addressing Random Thoughts and End-of-Year Things...

First off, I want to update you on the latest news in the life...

1. Mr. Wonderful and I went to Texas for Thanksgiving. I would love to say that everything was great, but that would be an erroneous statement. My family didn't like him, and they were looking at me like I was an idiot to be with him. Since I'm not used to seeing him in any environment that he's not the star of, and it was interesting. I've never seen a man his age work to impress people.

2. I cut my hair. Actually, my brother did the honors the night before my birthday. When he finished, I was left with what is commonly referred to as a teeny weeny afro. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Even though I allowed it, I was not ready to see myself without hair. It took me a solid week before I let any of my friends see my new 'do. Honestly, I'm still getting used to it.

3. I'm still underemployed, and I'm still trying to figure out what I'm good at. This new year will be ab…