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Showing posts from September, 2016

Moving...

I'm moving.

The apartment New Boo and I got, the one I cried in all last summer, is about to be a memory for me. The lease is up and I can't afford to renew it, so I'm going someplace where I'll pay half the rent.

I wish I could've stayed here forever. But there comes a point where you need to be able to stop making life decisions for basic things. I honestly couldn't afford to do this without help or a better job.

I can't lie -- it hurts me to do this. The last time I moved, we swore it would be the last time. I wanted to start our family here. I wanted us to be like the couple we rented from -- strong and loving, with a solid foundation.

In the end, all we did was playing house. And clearly, not very well.

So I'm moving.

Earning It

I told you that My Teddy Bear had spent the entire summer trying to convince me that there were other ways to be intimate and that I was "wrong" to want sex all the time. Ultimately his problem was low testosterone.

When he told me, I was a little upset. "Why didn't you tell me this before?" He was like, "I didn't know how."

This is the same man who told me that trust was "earned and not given," and he asked me for the opportunity to "earn my trust." After all this time, I realized that he didn't trust me.

Now true -- I didn't ask to earn it, but I can't believe that he doesn't know that I'm trustworthy. I try my best to be as good to him as I know how to be. In spite of the fact that he doesn't give me Vitamin D on a regular basis, I'm always here for him and by happenstance, I didn't cheat on him.

(I know he doesn't know about the latter, but that's not the point.)

The point is that he&…

Nothing By Chance...

Has it ever occurred to you
That nothing occurs to God?
He knows the end from the beginning.
And you'll never catch Him off-guard.
There's no need to be dismayed.
Our God is already made a way.

- Brian Courtney Wilson, "Nothing Occurs to God"
That's been the sum total of my thoughts this week. Inasmuch as I'm completely baffled by what's going on around me, I know that He knows. And THAT makes all of this bearable.

And what's been going on lately? Let's see...
I was supposed to have surgery to treat my painful periods. It was postponed...because my period started.My boyfriend finally revealed to me that his testosterone is low. He's spent the entire summer trying to convince me that sex isn't the only way to be intimate and that I was wrong to want it.My boss is a petty trick that makes me want to slap her in the mouth. Hypothetically, of course. When this song came into my life, I just broke down and cried. I realized -- yet again -- that …

That Day

Fifteen years.

That's 180 months; 5,478 days. 131,472 hours. 7,888,320 minutes.

I've lived, loved, lost, loved again. Relocated more times than I care to admit.

And yet, that day never leaves my mind. It has become a part of my DNA.

Reading stories from people who lost loved ones on that tragic day still brings tears to my eyes. I still don't find myself rushing down to Ground Zero. I still don't trust life away from home without my phone.

As I look out from my place in the Bronx, I see the same blue sky I saw 15 years ago. The eyes I looked with then could see without assistance and thought our country, though deeply flawed, was safe.

I'm older now. Wiser. My eyes can't see anything clearly without progressive lenses. My safety as a woman and an American is threatened every day. As a Black person, it's doubly threatened because things can happen to me that'll never be prosecuted. Even though my life matters, this country doesn't understand how much…

Another Delay

There are times when I feel like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. This is one of those times.

I was supposed to have surgery to clear up my issue with fibroids and uterine polyps. It's an issue I've been battling for about ten years, but this year has been especially brutal. Everything was set. My fill-in person was set, my boss had been notified, and all I had to do was complete a few tasks for my second job and get my house ready. Then, the bombshell...

My period came.

While that's NEVER pleasant news -- especially when you're dealing with fibroids and uterine polyps -- I wasn't overly alarmed. After all, I thought it would be the last time I'd have to deal with this particular pain and suffering.

To be on the safe side, I called my doctor to make sure everything could still proceed. Guess what? It can't.

That means that even though my fill-in person was in place, My Teddy Bear had taken off work to get me home, and my mom and brother were already s…