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Showing posts from May, 2017

The Fat Lady is Warming Up...

The inevitable is about to happen.

I'm going to break up with My Teddy Bear.

It's been a long time coming, but it's time.

And honestly, it's not like when I broke up with RIP. Even though he went off the deep end, it was that plus my budding feelings for New Boo that caused me to let him go.

No, this time, it's not because of New Boo. NB is fun, but I already know that he's a dead-end street.

This time, I'm letting MTB go because he deserves better. He deserves to be with someone who can and will love him as he is. Someone who'll see all the wonderfulness that he possesses.

I see it, but I can't access it to my satisfaction. And I'm unhappy with him. I don't want to be, but I am. And no matter how hard I try, I don't see it in the cards for us.

I just hope that we can both come out intact when everything is said and done.

Oh No...

I don't want to do this, but I'm realizing that I cannot help it.

I find myself falling for New Boo again.

Last night was especially crazy.

He walked into my room and immediately began putting my fan together. After that, he checked my cable to see what was wrong and diagnosed the problem. Then he poured me a drink and we talked. Nothing major, but he asked me about my trip. The conversation wasn't anything earth shattering, but it was us.

After all that, we got busy. It was wild and kinda rough, but never too much. When he finished, he tried to leave. I would've let him, but I was tipsy, too. Next thing you know, I'm texting him to come back. He was drunker than he thought he was, and he came back. The lovemaking that ensued was even more insane.

This time, he spent the night. No sex in the morning, but the damage was done.

To be fair, it's not New Boo's fault. It is not. I am completely to blame for this episode of my heartbreak. Totally.

I can't blam…

Here I Grow Again...

I'm constantly learning about myself. What I'm finding out is not necessarily great.

Inasmuch as I like people, I realize that I don't want them close to me. The reason this matters is that I'm a public figure. I work in radio, which means that I'm able to talk to people without being around them. Now that I want to boost my profile, I'll have to be more social. I don't even know how.
This weekend, I did an event where I was introduced as my public persona, and I don't think I handled it right. I was supposed to mingle and talk to people...take pictures...etc. Instead, I sat with the people I knew and got tipsy. I don't think it was noticeable, but I was kinda disappointed in myself.
That's a feeling I'm experiencing a lot lately. Disappointment with myself, that is. That's a discussion for another day.
As I reviewed my life, as I often do when I'm upset, I realized that I've never liked being around a lot of people. One of my gr…

Who Does This?

I did it again.
I slept with New Boo.
I don't really know why.
That's not really true. I know exactly why I did it. He's a wonderful lover. He makes me feel sexy. We push each other to be the best. When we come together, we take each other to higher heights.
The downside is that when the high is over, the crash is epic. Right now I feel horrible.
Yes, my body is tingling. But my heart is confused. 
Okay, that's not exactly true, either. I know what's wrong -- even though I hate to admit it.
My body needs New Boo, but My Teddy Bear knows how to care for my heart. NB makes me scream as we go through all the fly positions. MTB makes sure I eat like I need to. NB inspires me to make love in my boots. MTB holds me in the middle of the night.
NB didn't spend the night. That was a first for us. But it was more necessary than I realized. His leaving solidified the fact -- again -- that we're not together. That sex is all we have between us. There's no need for…

Passing Me By...

It's Mother's Day.

This is the first time I've been sad about not being a mother.
Until this year, I always thought it was a possibility. Now? Not so much. And it hurts more than I thought it would.
I find myself looking at babies and pictures of babies and women who have children and I'm sad. I know it's not their fault, but sometimes I feel like they get to flaunt their functionality in the face of those who couldn't fulfill the one thing that's unique to women.
I hate that I'll never have a min-me to shop with...someone to shape and nurture. I won't have first steps, first days of school, graduations, weddings, or anything where I'll be honored as the mother. Of course, there's no guarantee that I'd have a great kid. I could have a troubled child that I'd have to bail out of jail every other month, or one I'd be afraid of or afraid for his or her whole life.
Either way, it seems like that ship has sailed for me. And it makes m…