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Showing posts from October, 2015
I was loved.

I was thinking about my life this time last year. I was reflecting on how so much could change in 365 days.

My heart was safe. I thought I was participating in the definitive relationship of my life. I can see the stars that were sparkling in my eyes, and I loved it.

People probably thought I was crazy. After all, who invests their everything in Macy's salesperson? That would be me. He made me feel like I could fly.

I was loved.

Today I'm in California keeping my friend's son. He's looking at me as my eyes well up with tears. I can't explain it to him, and fortunately, he's not a perceptive enough child to care that I'm broken. All he knows is that I'm going to take him to daycare.

I was loved.

I promise you that I won't wallow today. Inasmuch as I want to, I won't. I honestly don't have the time or the energy to devote to mourning my wasted affection again. Instead, I will do my best to celebrate the fact that no matter what, t…

I Own My Tears

I own my tears.

I used this as a hashtag on a Facebook post. I was talking about the movie, "The Fault in Our Stars." If you've seen it, you know what I mean, and I won't spoil it for you.

Of course, you know me -- it's deeper than that. I need to say it out loud...

I own my tears.

New Boo meant the world to me. He really did. Our relationship meant the world to me. It really, really did. And now it's over and he's gone -- seemingly for good. That makes me cry more than I want to, and more than I have ever imagined I would. And while I hate it, I need to do this. I need to mourn this thing in its entirety because it has truly changed my life.

I own my tears.

I own the fact that I am hurt. I own the fact that I'm mourning a relationship that I wanted to work more than life itself. I wanted to be a part of a couple, and eventually a family. That may well happen for me one day. Today, though, it doesn't look likely. So yes, I cry. And you know what?

Dumped...

It finally dawned on me why I've taken this breakup so hard.

I got dumped.

This is the one of the first times in my romantic history that someone has said to me, "Yeah...I'm done with you." And to be clear, there have been times when relationships have run their course. But this is the first time I've been blindsided by a situation that I thought was good.

I got dumped.

I'm guessing this is what the guys I've left behind feel. When they think they've done their best...and I don't agree...and I put plans in motion to get out, they, too, feel blindsided. But this time...

I got dumped.

I've had several relationships end. All of them, actually. And I didn't want all of them to end. Who wants to be single? Certainly not me. But when they got bad, I got out. Because even though I don't want to be single, I'd rather be single than be in a bad relationship. Maybe I wasn't in a bad relationship, but he was. Rather than tell me, he just …

Keeping the Music Playing...

"How do you keep the music playing..."

I can honestly admit that watching last night's edition of Scandal jacked me up. When she pulled out the James Ingram-Patti Austin hit, I completely dissolved in a river of tears. Especially when Mellie asked him, "What have you ever sacrificed for me?"

One of the last discussions I had with New Boo involved me asking him to fight for us. He told me that his depression and fear had basically destroyed his love for me. I told him that I was scared, too, but I fought my fears for the sake of our relationship. I pushed down my doubts because I loved him so much. I basically battled myself for the sake of US, and I couldn't understand why he didn't give me that much consideration.

I think when breakups happen, it's not the fights you have about the symptoms of the sickness. It's the lack of fight you have with the ultimate killers of your love that make it ugly. When you realize the person you've put everyt…

Success

"I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful..." -Drake

I know that success means different things to different people. For some, it means lots of money. For others, a sense of security. For still others, it means a happy family and great relationships.

Me? I want all of that. And more.

I'm working and watching "The Devil Wears Prada." There's one scene where Miranda talks about her impending divorce. She looks so pitiful as she talks about losing another husband.

I do not want that. I want to have love in my life. I want to have it all.

Of course, at this point, I don't know if that includes children. I want them, but as my 45th birthday approaches, I don't know that babies will be in the cards for me.

I want a husband, too, even though I was told that marriage is out of style. We shall see.

What I do know is that whatever is for me will be mine.

While I don't know what the future holds, I know I have to trust in what God has. Even if I can'…

A Choice

I am deciding to be happy. Again.

Even though I love New Boo, he does NOT love me. Even though I'm concerned about New Boo, he is NOT concerned about me. And as much as he SAID he wanted us to be friends, I see that he was just giving me lip service. And that's okay.

He and I are not a we, and we will never be again. As much as I hate that, I have to come to grips with it and move on. He certainly has. And that's okay.

Now it's my turn.

So I'm choosing to look at our time together as a good thing. I learned a lot from our relationship. I learned that contrary to popular belief, I CAN live with people. I can cook, and I can clean. I know how to make a house a home, and I can be domestic. That was huge for me.

Am I ready for marriage? I think so, but I know I have a lot to learn. But I'm well on my way after my time with New Boo. I think I've what to do and what NOT to do.

And please know -- I'm still undone. I'm still brokenhearted. And I'm still…

Undone...Still

"A broken heart is a broken heart. To take a measure is cruelty."

It's been almost four months since New Boo and I broke up, and I'm still broken. Undone. Forever changed. I'm sure I'll be back to myself eventually, but I know I'll never be the same. My heart will never be able to trust the way it did before him.

It's a death -- plain and simple. No matter how you look at it, my love, my hopes, and my dreams have died. And my heart has been shattered. I couldn't put it back together if I tried.

There's no cure for heartbreak. There just isn't.

And here's the killer -- I know it's possible to get over these things. I've seen people do it for years. I have to wonder how my mom handled the heartbreaks of her life. Or my grandmother.

I realize that in the general scheme of life, my issues are very minor. People get their hearts broken every day. People get disappointed every day. People wake up alone every day. People's dreams …

No Mas

It's official. I do not want Ole Miss in my life.

We went out on our second date. He was kind, sweet, and everything a girl could want in a date. But I don't want him. In addition to the fact that he looks and acts old, I'm not attracted to him. End of story.
In fact, last night's date proved that I don't want to date at all.
We went to see The Intern. He wanted to see The Martian, but I don't like sci-fi, and I wasn't in the mood for something too heavy in light of all that I've been going through. In addition, I kinda guilted him into it because he didn't ask what I wanted to see.
Anyway, we're watching the film and all I could think about is how much I missed New Boo. At one point, a guy cheated on his wife, and I almost went into hysterics. It was so bad that I was almost sobbing. Thankfully, the theater was dark and he didn't seem to notice the meltdown.
Afterwards, we went to IHOP. Again, I realized I didn't want him touching me in…