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Showing posts from January, 2016

That Question...

I spent the afternoon with My Teddy Bear. I think I could love him.

Today was significant because he shared something deeply personal with me. I appreciated him for doing it, but it brought up the one question I didn't want to discuss yet -- his need for children.

More than anything, I don't want someone to get stuck with me and miss out on the things they want out of life. I can look at how he is with me, and I know he'll be an amazing father. The LAST thing I want to do is keep him from that. But with me not getting any younger, I know that my window is closing. And I want him to be happy.

So I asked him, "What if I can't give you that? Would you be able to be satisfied with just me?" He said he could, and I'm sure he means it. But I can't shake this nagging feeling that one day he'll wake up and realize that I'm the reason he doesn't have a child of his own. I don't think I can take that kind of guilt.

Of course, these are questions…

Snow Day Musings...

"Oh Snowy Day..."

The snow is coming down in NewYork City. It's almost a white-out situation.

I'm in the house alone. That's never good. I have leftover liquor from New Years. That's even worse.

So I'm in this house drinking alone.

I spoke to My Teddy Bear today, and he's good. Kicking it at home with his sister and her family. I've spoken to and texted him all day.

But when I looked out of my window, watching the snow come down...I missed New Boo and that other one.

To be clear, I don't want to be with New Boo again. Now that I'm in the throes of a new situation with My Teddy Bear, I am very happy. He's adorable and he cares for me in a way I'm not used to.

But when I'm alone...sometimes I do wonder what New Boo is doing. If he misses me. If he remembers watching the snow fall with me.

Knowing him, nothing is significant and he probably doesn't even think of me now. It's clear to me that he impacted me way more than I …

In My Feelings, Part 2

So I'm in my feelings. Again.
Here's the deal. I told you last time that I'd be having a biopsy this week. That happens tomorrow. I thought my homegirl would be able to go with me, but she's got an engagement to attend that she just can't get out of. So guess who said they'd go with me? You guessed it -- My Teddy Bear.
Here's the problem with that -- I don't know if he's ready for the mess I might be afterwards. Heck, I don't know if I'M ready for the mess I might be. The way I see it, there's only one honeymoon period in a relationship...one time when they think you're absolutely the best thing ever. He doesn't know I snore, and he thinks that I smell like juices and berries all the time. This situation could render me human in his eyes.
And of course, because I'm the one who thinks things all the way through, I wonder if he'll see me as damaged goods. I always fight that thought anyway, but now there won't be a doub…

In My Feelings...

I'm feeling some kinda way, so please bear with me. So much has happened since we last spoke.

For one, the new guy -- who I'm gonna call My Teddy Bear -- is awesome. I know they all start off that way, but I swear he's different. For one, he's real. What that means is that he's not looking for perfection. He sees me just like I am -- flaws and all -- and he STILL likes me. I honestly don't know how to act, but I'm gonna do my best not to mess this up. For real.

We all know that the true test of a person is how they react in a crisis. For the record, I'm not the best person to have around when things go awry. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the reality of my life. Fortunately, that's not the case with MTB. As he told me, "I'm a grown man."

I recently decided that it was time to get my health together. So I went and got a physical and a well woman's exam. The well woman exam doctor is someone I saw last year whe…

What Football Taught Me...

I am 45 years old. But I am not dead. Sometimes I feel like my dreams of a family are over. They are not.

This struck me as I was watching the game between Alabama and Clemson. Full disclosure -- I NEVER watch football. I fundamentally don't believe in it. What that means is that while I know it exists, I don't believe I should participate in it.

Anyway, that was an EXCELLENT game. Both teams fought until the bitter end with Alabama winning it 45 to 40. For some reason, it struck me because those kids wanted that victory and it was hard-won.

I want a family, but I know it'll be a hard-won victory over a worthy opponent -- my mind. So many times I've heard myself think, "I might as well give up. It's never gonna happen." As you can imagine, I definitely thought it during the summer of tears.

Now, though, there's a new dude in the picture. And while we've only been on one date, he's already stated his intentions to me. I don't know what the …

The Date

I went on my date. 
I think my life may have changed forever.
Things started out innocently enough. I met him at his job and we went to the restaurant from there. He picked out another place he'd wanted to try, and it was very cool. Even though someone told me to wear jeans, I opted for a dress and boots. My thing was that I wanted to look like I cared, but not like I'd tried too hard.
We had a great time. We ate and walked a bit afterwards. And then he brought me home, because he wanted to make sure I got here safely. (His words, not mine.)
After making out a bit, he said something to me that literally brought me to tears.
He told me that he wants to build a solid foundation with me. That he's after my heart and my mind first. In his opinion, the body will follow. Because he sees big things in our future, he's not to get things out of order. And he wants to earn my trust.
So why did that bring me to tears, you ask?
Because honestly, it's what I've wanted to he…

Old Friends in New Roles

Looks like 2016 is getting off to a good start. I have a date. And not just any date, mind you. It's a date with someone I've known for a minute.

This guy is actually the friend of a couple of friends, and I met him at my homegirl's house. I never thought he'd be interested in me -- especially since he met me during my summer of tears, also known as the summer of 2015. Heck, I didn't think I registered with him.

That is, until he reached out to me. I spent almost two months in California, and he hit me up on Facebook. I can't lie -- I was kinda surprised. Even though we've always been cool, I never thought he liked me. In fact, the chick he went to elementary school had been trying to fix him up with my neighbor. We made plans for him to buy me drinks at my birthday party in New York.

Sadly, the party didn't happen. But you know me -- I reached out to him and said, "Say, the party didn't happen, but you still owe me drinks." He agreed, and…

Happy New Year!

We've reached 2016, and I'm glad. Last year was hard on me. I can honestly say that there were some losses that I didn't expect, some I did, and some I hoped wouldn't happen. And after that, I'm still standing.

Between TMFKATO and New Boo, I didn't know if my heart would ever be whole again. Honestly, I still don't. But both relationships taught me about who I am, what I want, and how to handle myself if I ever get them. They also taught me what NOT to do, and that's undervalue or underestimate myself. Now I know -- beyond the shadow of a doubt - what I can and can't take in these situations.

I now understand why people do what they do. I finally felt my own heart expand beyond its boundaries only to slapped back to reality. Now I get it. It was a painful lesson -- one that I don't wish on anyone.

Running from your problems won't necessarily solve them. All it does is make it easier for you to avoid them. Sometimes that's necessary to th…