Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from August, 2015

An Update

I decided to block New Boo on both my phone and Facebook.

It was not an easy decision. I didn't really want to cut him out of my life that way, but I realized that he'd already done it to me. And when you do that, you don't get the luxury of dropping in when YOU want to.

Besides, what do we have to talk about? He claims he wants to be my friend, but he's not honest enough to tell the truth about anything. And I'm tired of waiting for him to "get it together."

If a person loves you and wants to be with you, he or she will. It's just that simple. New Boo has made it clear that he doesn't want to be with me. I'm okay with that. Now I've got to heal from that, and I can't do it if there's always a possibility of him dropping in on me and destroying whatever stability I've found.

When I asked him why he'd dropped me as a friend on Facebook, he told me that he dropped everyone -- as if that would make it better. Like it was okay …

Chicken Roosting & Other Thoughts

I think my friends have abandoned me. In a lot of ways, they didn't really understand how painful and devastating this New Boo chapter was for me. They didn't understand why I couldn't just suck it up and keep moving. They couldn't understand the crippling effect it had on me...and I haven't been able to explain it to them.

So I keep to myself. I wallow in the pain of my own imprisonment and I try not to cry EVERY day. As much as it probably seems like I don't, I really DO want to move from this place. I just don't know how...and I need someone to come snatch me out of here. But my friends think I'm weak and that I handled this thing stupidly, so they have no sympathy for me.

And here's the killer -- I don't think I blame them. If I'd heard my story from someone else, I'd probably think and do the same thing. I'd probably feel like the girl in question was such an idiot that she wouldn't deserve anything -- sympathy or otherwise …

To Block or Not to Block

To block or not to block. That is the question.

There's a wonderful feature on my iPhone 6 that allows me to block out any caller that I don't want to hear from. No calls, no texts, no nothing. I can completely cut them out of my life with one selection on a touch screen.

I'm debating on doing that to New Boo.

To be clear, it's not like he's contacting me every day. He's not that concerned about what's going on with me. However, he'd like to reserve the right to contact me when HE wants to. That means that whenever I'm about to get back on track, or move to a place that would render him useless to me, he might hit me up and shatter my world again.

So why wouldn't I block him?

I wouldn't be able to contact him, either. I couldn't get phone calls or text messages from him. We would be more like strangers than ever, and we wouldn't be able to communicate. That would make me sad.

On the other hand, how does one move on without a complete…

That Some Kinda Way Kinda Day

You know how you can feel "some kinda way," but not really know why? It finally hit me why I'm feeling some kinda way today.

I am officially old.

Now, I must admit that this wasn't a new revelation. As a human, I've been aging since the day I was born. I fight it to the death with hair dye, cute clothes, etc. But yesterday -- the same day I would've celebrated my one-year anniversary with New Boo -- I found out that I need new glasses. Not just ANY new glasses. I need progressive lenses. If you're not familiar with that terminology, it's basically the new way to say you need bifocals.

I was crushed, to say the least.

Here I am, a single woman with no children and no prospects for a husband with graying hair and now a need for bifocals. Who the hell is going to want me now? What the hell am I supposed to do? With every other thing that's happened this year, I think I've tried to be positive and hold on to hope that it could happen for me. This …

What I Need...

Now that I've had a few days to recover, I know what I need.

It's NOT New Boo.

As much as I love him and want to keep him in my life, I realize he's not good for me. He doesn't want to be my friend, and I refuse to beg for his friendship. All he wants to do is use me. His goal is to have enough options so he doesn't have to sleep on the train. As I told him when he was here, I am NOT an option. I have to be a priority. And that's where I'm leaving it with him. The next time he contacts me, I'm not going to be available.

As far as Tinderfella is concerned, I think he's adorable. But the sex thing is a concern of mine. I think he's a great guy. But I know me -- I don't think I can take him seriously like that. I'm sure he could be worked with and taught...but he deserves more than someone who's willing to work with him. He needs someone who could adore him. I don't know if I could ever really be that one.

If New Boo and I had made …

Date Night, Part 2

So...I kinda left you hanging, but I'm here to bring you up to speed.

New Boo showed up.

I literally had put Tinderfella out, and two hours later, New Boo contacted me.

I guess I should've kept it moving, but I had dreamed of him twice -- once that very night. So it was almost like I called him in the atmosphere.

He was here in about two more hours. And we were naked in another hour. Ugh.

Afterwards, we went to brunch. We walked in the park. We went to Ikea. He didn't leave until Monday morning. And we hashed out everything. I finally got the closure I needed. My conclusion?

New Boo is a pathological liar who has way more problems than any person should deal with. He's a user, and he's a selfish, inconsiderate, and generally awful person. While he does have some redeeming qualities, they are few and far in between.

I love him with all my heart and it's gonna take a miracle to change that any time soon. I wish my love was enough to get him where he needs to be, …

Date Night

Tinderfella and I finally had our date. Let's just say it wasn't what I expected.

We went to see "Straight Outta Compton" -- an excellent film, by the way -- and then he came home with me. Against my better judgement, I let him come upstairs.

I should back up at this point and say that I looked fierce for our first official date. I pulled out the big guns -- a dress and heels  -- and all he could say when he saw me was, "Damn."

We spent the movie acting like stupid teens who didn't have anywhere to go. He kept putting his hands between my legs...and I kept letting him -- again, against my better judgement. And then I let him bring me home.

His first order of business was to remove my shoes and massage my legs and feet. That was new for me. In all my years, I can honestly say that no man has done that for me -- unless it involved him sucking my toes. Of course, that led to him putting his face between my legs.

Ladies, I don't have to tell you how awe…

After the Morning After

We finally had our date...sort of.

I add the disclaimer because it didn't feel like a real date. We met up on a corner in the city. He wasn't hungry, so we ended up at my favorite burger joint. Since he didn't eat, I didn't want to ask him to pay -- and that's where things got hairy for me.

I have one hard, fast rule in dating. I only put out once a night. If I put out at the table -- i.e. pay -- I'm not putting out anywhere else. Call me crazy, that's just how I see it.

After that, he wanted to go make out. So here we are, on a park bench right off Times Square, making out like teenagers with no homes. Honestly, that is NOT a good look for a grown woman. But I knew if I brought him here, it was going to be pandemonium. I took him to work with me -- because it only made sense to do my show before I came home. We were in a studio, and while I don't know how impressed he was, I know he was trying to get at me in a real way. After that, we waited for the t…

The Aftermath...

He says he wants to fall in love with me.

He's making plans in the future for me.

He sounds like he wants to be with me.

So why do I think he's full of it?

After last night's failed date -- and my subsequent meltdown -- I really don't know what to do. I like Tinderfella, but I don't know if I'm ready or able to believe again. Am I wrong to feel this way? A lot of me thinks I am.

And I'm realizing that I'll never be number one with him because he has a family. Honestly, I think I need to be a man's top priority -- behind God and his job, of course. But I know I won't be with this one.

It's funny. I told him I was a mess, but until last night, I didn't really know what that meant. Sure, I know my heart is in disarray. But I didn't realize that any little setback could destroy me the way it did last night. I honestly felt like all of my hopes and dreams had been crushed and ground into powder. Let's just say I don't like that fe…

Not Ready...

I'm a girlfriend.

Thanks to New Boo, I'm not in a relationship. But let the record show that I'm still a girlfriend.

I feel like a widow. Nine times out of ten, when a woman's husband dies, she's not really through being a wife. She's had her world interrupted by his death, but no matter what goes on, she's still a wife.

That's how I feel right now.

I feel like a woman who was turned out of coupledom too soon, and I'm still a girlfriend. I haven't been here before. When I broke up with Mr. Wonderful, I wasn't interested in being his girlfriend. I was completely done. Unfortunately, this time I was dumped. Even though I put him out, it was because he was done with our relationship. But I wasn't. I was still deep in the throes of being his girlfriend.

So now I'm out here in the dating world, and I can only relate to men as a girlfriend. Which means that I check up on things. I'm concerned. And I want to spend time. Not just naked t…

Stood Up

So Tinderfella and I are supposed to be going on our first date.

I'm waiting.

He said that work got in the way of him being on time for our first date. The date I've spent half the day crying and stressing over. Crying because it still feels like I'm cheating on New Boo when I deal with anyone else, and stressing because I didn't do laundry so I had to try to figure out what to wear.

I'm one step from angry.

And please understand -- I usually run late. But because it's a first date, I made it a point to get it together. Now my house isn't completely ready...and I guess I have time to do that. But I'm kinda leaving it incomplete so I won't be tempted to bring him upstairs and do dirty things with him. Because I'm not emotionally ready to let myself go down that path with anyone. But now that he's late -- almost 30 minutes -- I'm tempted to call it off.

I'm really not ready to date again, but I need to get out. And I won't do it al…

I'm Not Wrong to Love

I got up this morning and realized two things...

I get sad about New Boo because I still love him, and me loving him is a good thing.

What I realized is that some people think I was wrong to love him the way I did. And I wasn't. Yes, he was a liar and I didn't know that. But loving him wasn't a crime. In fact, I'm thankful that I loved him. He was -- and is -- worth it. He's a person with a heart, and that makes him viable.

Now is he viable for ME? Not so much. Again...he's a liar. He doesn't know how to be a friend. He has substance abuse issues. He doesn't care for his children. He needs a lot of help.

But me loving him wasn't a problem. He needed to experience love. I know I gave it to him. Him not being able to accept it and reciprocate it doesn't negate the love I gave to him.

Some of my friends act like I was wrong to love him. I wasn't. I did what I was supposed to do. I gave him my all. I tried my best. The fact that it didn't wo…

In Trouble

So...I'm going to meet Tinderfella for the first time today.

I'm kinda scared. Not because he's not a great guy -- he really is -- but I like his conversation and stuff. If I meet him and he's a troll, I'm going to be disappointed because if what he's saying is real, he's husband material.

But even beyond that, I hope he's not disappointed in me. He swears he thinks I'm beautiful from my pictures, But we all know how pictures can make people all lovely and when you see them in person, you're running for the hills.

So...this should be interesting to say the least...
_____________

Have you ever met someone and known immediately that you were going to be in trouble? That's what just happened with Tinderfella.

He's an adorable dude with a cute smile. He has child-bearing hips, but we can fix that. What I love about him is that he is a man. A real one. One who said to me, "What do you want to do to celebrate your anniversary in radio?&qu…

My Hero?

I think I may have found my hero.

This has been a trying morning. My friend lost her friend, and I did my part to cheer her up. Then I realized that the trip I need to make to Texas for a funeral may not be able to happen because I don't have enough money to do it.

And then Tinderfella called. I told him what was going on, and he said that he would look into it for me. He didn't make any promises, but that was enough to complete throw me off.

I realized that I'm so used to working things out on my own that I don't even think about asking anyone for anything. To be clear, he may not be able to do it, but if he can, I think I'll faint. Literally.

I've needed a hero for so long. We all do. But in so many instances, I'm the hero. I don't mind that. But sometimes I need someone to save me, too. And if Tinderfella can do that, I swear he will have me forever.
One year ago today, I got the last text I'd ever get from The Man Formerly Known as The One. Clearly I didn't know it at the time because I probably would've said so many other things. But this is what he left me with.

Today, my heart is in such disarray. New Boo and I -- who were going strong and building what I thought was a firm foundation at that time -- don't even speak. Tinderfella is making me smile. And this is what I think about.

This has been a year -- to say the least.

Sometimes I wonder how this year would've turned out if I hadn't chosen New Boo. Would TMFKATO still be with us? Or would I be deep in a different kind of mourning? Those are answers I'll never get.

So much death this year. From TMFKATO to Adra and now to Ronnie -- my uncle's brother-in-law who passed yesterday. Even the girl I knew from college who passed away in her sleep at the tender age of 42. It all makes my heart sore.

Even in the midst of this, I'm thankful. Throug…

Tinderfella

So...I met someone. On Tinder.

Before you judge me, please know that this is my attempt to move on. I am trying so very hard to let New Boo go. I really am. Some days are easier than others. 
I was going to do eHarmony, but I felt like it was too expensive without offering me much. So I went on Tinder and got two matches the same day. One of them was a "spiritual nonconformist," which I took to mean an across the board heathen. The other one literally sounds like everything I've been looking for.
Tinderfella is a divorced dad of two who lives in Queens. He seems to be a lovely dude who has a great sense of humor and great taste in music. He loves his family AND he loves Jesus -- a plus for me. He even said those magic words that every woman wants to hear...
"I wanna be a husband."
Since I just met him, I don't necessarily want him to be MY husband today, but I like where his head is. It also doesn't hurt that he thinks I'm beautiful. 
Could this be …

What a Difference...

My friend said to me, "How did you manage to let him change your life in the course of a year?"

I didn't know how to tell her.

We were going to Brooklyn for an annual party that our friends give. When I went last year, I ended my night with New Boo because he didn't live far from there. This year, I hesitated to go. And when we got off the train and started walking toward the house, my heart was flooded with the memory of that night and I was sad. So much had changed in a year.

When she asked me that, I knew I couldn't speak without tears, so I walked along in silence.

Here's the deal -- while it seemed to my friends that I was giving up my life, I didn't feel that way. I thought we were building a life together. That's what he told me -- that it would be me and him. And I bought it. Hook, line, and sinker. I wanted to believe it.

Did I like my life? Sure. But I realize that I wanted more out of it. I wanted someone to belong to. I wanted someone who …

Building That Bridge...

Can someone please tell me when I'll get completely over New Boo?

I need to know because I'm so tired of the tears hitting me at unexpected moments.

Honestly, I've been doing really well. I even decided to try my hand at online dating. I signed up for Tinder and eHarmony. My goal right now is to meet some nice people to hang out with. I do NOT want to pursue a relationship unless it's natural, organic, and mutual.

But I still miss him so much. In fact, just chatting with another guy makes me sad. I was still doing well with it, and then someone asked me about the boyfriend.

I don't have a boyfriend anymore.

I'm a 44-year-old woman and I don't have anyone to love me.

I'm doing online dating trying to look for something to do.

All of these things are sad to me. Hence the reason the tears are here.

So I'll cry for now, dry my eyes, and keep it moving.

But I swear I'm ready for these things not to affect me.

Home Again

I'm home again. 
After spending almost a week with my family and close friends, I'm back in this place where New Boo was the only person I considered family.
I'm home again. 
This time, though, it's just me here. He's got a new girlfriend. I'm at the house we shared. Alone.
I'm home again.
No matter how hard I try to put him out of my mind, he still manages to permeate my thoughts in such a way that I'd like to put my brain on a time out. I just want him not to run through my mind all day, but he does and I can't stop him.
I'm home again.
When I walked in, this house felt hot and stuffy, but in reality it was cold and lonely because there's no love here now. You'd think I'd be used to living this way, but I'm not. After spending time with my family, I realize I don't want to live in a loveless existence. It hurts me to say this, but...
I'm home again.
I love my place. When it's put together, I really like the thought …