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Showing posts from September, 2015

Dating -- I Hate It

When it gets right down to it, I hate dating.
That's one of the many things I cry about. When New Boo and I got together, I thought this part of my life was over. The dating part. I thought we'd be together, and that would be that.
Now I'm dating again. And I hate it.
I would do/give/be anything to just be off the market and safely ensconced in a relationship. I promise you I would.
Instead, I'm communicating with a man who sees nothing wrong with "pleasuring" himself three times a day to "relieve stress."
I. can't.
The sky is overcast today. When New Boo and I lived in the haunted house of horrors, most of the days were overcast. But our relationship brought light to my life. I loved us together, and I miss him tremendously.
But the reality of the situation is that I don't know what was real with him. His lies have tainted what could be happy memories of us. I don't know what was going on and I don't know what I can hold on to at an…
There are so many times that I miss New Boo.

For instance, we'd make dinner and watch "The Voice." And yesterday, an old metrocard fell out of my wallet. I kept it when it expired because he told me once, "All I need is $2.50 to get to you." (Yes, it was cheesy, but I wanted to have it for our memory book.)

Now there's no need for a memory book. But everything is still written on my heart. And as hard as I'm trying, there are still things that I miss. And yes...tears still come. I wish they didn't.

My friend told me to be kind to myself. I never realized how kind I'd actually have to be.

I finally got my California dates. It'll be good to get away from this.

A Good Weekend

This was the kind of weekend that will go down in the books as one of my best.

On Friday, I went with my friend to see Pope Francis. We were two of 80-thousand people that gathered in Central Park to get a glimpse of the leader of the Catholic Church. While I'm nowhere near Catholic, I can respect this pope and what he stands for. It was interesting to see how many people were really geeked about just getting a glimpse of him. Almost like a mass exodus to touch the hem of his garment. Afterwards, she and I went to a cafe and closed the place down. I loved it because the food was good and the staff was very accommodating. We've decided that that will be "our place." I love it.
Saturday was spent brunching with my girls and then going to a comedy show. One of my coworkers was a featured comedian, and he was great. Afterwards, we went to a bar and ran into a couple a friends. 
And today I went to brunch and then to work. I got finished early, and was able to catch the S…

What I Want

I want a family. Not just a baby -- a husband and a child.

My 45th birthday is fast approaching. One of my New Year's resolutions was to either have a baby or be pregnant by now. New Boo had said he wanted a family, so we were trying. Then he stopped. I didn't really ask because we were going through so much financially that I understood. Of course, I didn't know it was the beginning of the end.

For the majority of this year, I've been dealing with loss. First it was the loss of The One Formerly Known as The One. Then my friend's mom died. Then New Boo left me. And you know about This Fatal Summer. So it didn't make sense to bring a baby into this environment. But as this milestone creeps up on me faster than I wanted it to, I'm reminded of that want of mine.

A friend of mine asked me why I don't have kids -- and what was I waiting on. When I said I wanted to get married, she looked at me and said, "Marriage went out in the 80s." She then call…

This...

It is my supreme goal to get over this thing with New Boo. At this point, it is my only goal in life. I'm so tired of crying that I don't know what to do.

I don't want to date anyone else, and every time I do, it feels like cheating. Is that crazy?

I had a perfectly good date yesterday. I met up with a guy for brunch. We had bottomless mimosas, and he thought I was the cutest thing ever. Even though he said he was 45, he looked way older than that to me. People tell me I look young for my age, but this guy reminded me of the guy I dated in California. The old man. It didn't help that he's from Mississippi and I do NOT like to hear southern men talk.

That's beside the point. I spent the rest of the day thinking about New Boo. And I hate that.

Oh...and it probably didn't help that Thickums put the final nail in his coffin yesterday. We were supposed to get together last night to celebrate his new job. Instead, he tells me that he wants to go to a day party to…

Rock Bottom

I finally did it. I finally hit rock bottom in this thing with New Boo. Here's how it happened...

My day began innocently enough. I have to admit that I thought everything was going to be okay. I had a cooking class scheduled and then I was meeting my co-workers for a rousing evening at Medieval Times. (And before you ask, it was NOT my idea.)

So I'm late to the cooking class and the stuff made me sick. Then I get to my job for a meeting and the trip to MT, and I felt awful. But I soldiered on and had a good time in spite of myself.

Then we left to go home, and that's when things got weird. My original plan was to get off at Times Square and Uber home. But I decided against it. Then I made the fatal mistake of moving toward the front of the bus right when the driver said, "Does anyone need Penn Station?"

I do NOT need Penn Station, but New Boo works across the street at Macy's. And I've been having a fit to see him. I thought to myself, maybe if I see him…

Coming Home...

It finally happened.

My mother asked me if I was considering a move back to Texas.

In the 16 years I've been away from here, she's never asked me that.

My brother and all of my friends have wanted me back for years. But she's never said those words to me. So I now have to consider it.

There are pros and cons to such a move. For one, I'd be starting back over in Texas at an age when most people are tightening up and securing their future situations. Since I'm single, it really doesn't matter where I am. And I'm able to do the writing job from anywhere. That's the only reason she'd ask me something like that. I wouldn't be in Dallas -- I'd move to Austin because I can do my second job from there.

So what's holding me in New York City? Not really sure. It's not like I have a boyfriend who matters to me right now. There's no point in staying in an attempt to make New Boo want me, and Tinderfella and his childbearing hips can't ke…

Three Months Later...

Today makes three months since New Boo and I broke up. Here's what's going on...

He and I aren't really speaking.

Tinderfella is quietly making his way to the sidelines.

I am getting better.

I have to admit that yesterday was hard. I was with my friend as she started her online journey to find love. As we looked for a suitable profile picture that would show her beauty and character in one fell swoop, we ran across a picture that she took on her phone during a photo shoot. As we tried to figure out the date, I realized it was taken on a night when I'd asked him to come home. The last time I asked him to come home before we broke up. I couldn't stop myself from crying as I remembered how hurt I was that evening.

She couldn't understand the source of my tears. Honestly, I don't know if she ever understands when I cry over him.

Anyway, that started me on a downward spiral that was further acerbated by a call from a common friend of mine, hers, and formerly New…

Oh Boy...

So...I reached out to New Boo. With all this madness going on with me, I decided to stop wondering about him and just find out if he's okay.

Clearly he is.

I told him I missed him in one text. He said he missed me, too. Then I reached out to him yesterday to tell him that I made tacos -- one of his favorites -- and to say Happy Labor Day. We spoke about him working at his new job, but he was clearly not glad to hear from me, so I let the conversation drop.

I still love him.

He still doesn't love me.

And we move on with our lives.

What I wouldn't give not to care. But I do...and I'm kinda messed up right now.

Oh...and Tinderfella hasn't been heard from. What he doesn't really understand is that I need way more from him than he's able to give right now. He doesn't understand that I need attention in order to stay interested. Now understand -- the bad sex already has me not on the edge with him. If he wants to pull me back in, he's going to have to giv…

A Roommate?

I'm considering a roommate.

Now, let me say this -- I categorically believe that grown folks need their own space. That's just the reality of what I think. But a surprise houseguest has me considering my position.

Here's the deal -- one of my friends (and I use the term loosely because I really don't know her like that) found herself out of a home when her mother decided to move back to Houston. She's been here since Saturday night, and I realize I need someone in this house with me. It's been fun cooking for us and she cleans, which is a plus for me.

Maybe a roommate is just what I need. I would have someone home with me so I wouldn't be alone, and she could help out with the rent and bills. She seems to be nice, and I know it would keep me out of trouble.

We shall see...

What Do You Need...

When a person dies, one of the first things people ask the survivors is, "What do you need?" It's a common question borne out of love for either the person who passed or the person who's left. Either way, it's a sincere question because people want to help.

Of course, when a relationship dies, there is no such outpouring of sympathy. After all, the person you were formerly linked to is still up and walking, so there is no physical death in the picture. And no matter how hurt you are, no one's going to equate it with the mourning that actually goes on when your hopes and dreams are cast into the sea, never to be spoken of again.

Now that my friend's mom is gone, I want be of assistance to her. But in my current state of fluctuating emotions, I almost feel useless. Of course, I'll do my best to suck it up because -- let's be honest -- who's REALLY checking for me and my foolish feelings at a time like this? And what kind of jerk would I be to tr…

Venting

There are times in your life when what you're going through -- while it's major to you -- really doesn't rate anywhere near important in the general scheme of life. That is where I am now.

I am hurt. I am lonely. I am feeling unloved and like no one cares. These are all lies.

Yes, my heart is sore. Yes, I am alone. But I'm not in a place where I have to be alone. I could very easily persuade one of my many friends to hang with me today. But here's where the rub comes in -- because I'm sad, I don't want to impose my mood on anyone.

One of my best friends lost her mother this week. What kind of friend would I be if I called her with the "I Miss New Boo" blues? A selfish one indeed.

One of my other friends is still dealing with the loss of her mother. In addition, she has three children to look after. Will my "I'm feeling fat and old" refrain help her in anyway? Not at all.

And I have a couple of friends who are taking care of sick moth…

Another Friday Night...

My period is here. I don't think I've ever been happier to see it.

I was supposed to be going out, but things didn't work out (again) with Tinderfella. I'm beginning to think that my mom was right -- he's cheap. That's okay. I'm not pressed about it either way. If we eventually go, fine. If not, I'm good, too.

Tinderfella doesn't realize this about me, but I can and will lose interest quickly -- especially if I think you're not as interested in something as I am. I'm on the verge of being through with him. And it doesn't help that I'm not physically attracted to him.

That's why I'm back on Tinder.

Please understand -- I don't think I'm ready to date again. But I'm lonely and need something to do. So I'm swiping left and right, hoping that my Mr. Wonderful will be there and be willing to pull me out of my funk.

Tinderfella thinks I might love him. He's REALLY got life mistaken at this point.

Honestly, I'…

I Miss Him

I miss him so much.

I am trying not to feel this way, but every time I speak to Tinderfella, I find myself missing New Boo. I know it's irrational, but I so wish we had worked out. I had my heart set on that fool, and now he's gone.

In my head, I know that New Boo isn't good for me. I know that Tinderfella has way more going for him than New Boo ever will. Yet New Boo has my heart. My whole heart. And I don't know how to get it back.

Tinderfella has a busy life -- which I'm grateful for -- but he said tonight that he was making it a priority to fit me into it. That's what a woman wants to hear. But he's not the one.

I guess I'm wondering if maybe I'm just bugging. Maybe he IS the one, and I just don't feel it. After all, we've only been on one official date. So maybe I just need to see him again to solidify whatever I'm feeling.

Or maybe I'm just trying to make something out of nothing. I don't know...

Where I am Today

There are times in everyone's life when things become crystal clear. Even if they weren't before that moment, the minute it happens, everything you wondered about comes into sharp focus.

I had two such moments today.

The first one is that I'm scared of the possibility of being 45 and alone. I thought for sure by now that SOMEONE would want me enough to take me off the market. Sadly, that hasn't happened. And with 45 being just under three months away, I don't know that Prince Charming will show up before my deadline.

This is causing me way more pain that I want to admit. I'd like to say that my single life is so wonderful that I don't need a man. And to be clear, I guess "need" is a strong word. I just don't want to be old and alone. I want to have the dedicated love of a man every day. Whether it's washing the dishes or making me long for him in the wee hours of the morning, I want someone here with me.

The other thing I realized is that …