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What I Want

I want a family. Not just a baby -- a husband and a child.

My 45th birthday is fast approaching. One of my New Year's resolutions was to either have a baby or be pregnant by now. New Boo had said he wanted a family, so we were trying. Then he stopped. I didn't really ask because we were going through so much financially that I understood. Of course, I didn't know it was the beginning of the end.

For the majority of this year, I've been dealing with loss. First it was the loss of The One Formerly Known as The One. Then my friend's mom died. Then New Boo left me. And you know about This Fatal Summer. So it didn't make sense to bring a baby into this environment. But as this milestone creeps up on me faster than I wanted it to, I'm reminded of that want of mine.

A friend of mine asked me why I don't have kids -- and what was I waiting on. When I said I wanted to get married, she looked at me and said, "Marriage went out in the 80s." She then called her grown daughter over and said, "This chick says she wants to get married before she has babies." Her daughter's response was, "That ain't in style no more."

So...have my dreams gone out of style? Have I really waited that long?

Or is God using me and my situation for His glory? Honestly, that's the only thing I can deal with because anything else would make it hard to get out of bed every day.

So I wait...

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It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

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My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.