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Showing posts from 2015

Preparation...

"He's preparing me for something I cannot handle right now..."

That's the opening line to one of my favorite songs by Daryl Coley. After all I've been through this year, I just have to believe that I'm getting ready for something awesome.

The latest situation to visit me is a roommate. My homegirl asked me if I'd be willing to lend my couch to a guy at her church who was having a hard time. I was like, "Sure," because so many people have helped me in my journey that it's nice sometimes to pay it forward.

Oh boy.

This dude is no freakin' joke, to say the least. He's nice, but I don't think he and I could do this for the long haul. For one, he's an OCD neat freak...and let's just say that I'm not. Which probably wouldn't bother me, but he's also a control freak who thinks that he's always right. As if that weren't bad enough, he thinks he knows everything because he's a preacher from New Orleans.

Did…

Someone to Love

I need someone to love.

I realized this tonight as I sit here trying to write for work. I need someone in my life who needs me. I never really thought I needed that before this very moment.

Watching people love and care for each other is awesome, but I wanna participate in that, too. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines.

Here's when you KNOW it's gotten bad. The thought of getting a pet actually crossed MY mind. I don't even like animals like that. But I want someone or something to cuddle with. And since I don't have a man or a baby, I need something that I can shower all this affection on that I have bottled up in my heart.

I should probably stop here and say that I know my period is somewhere around the corner because I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. It's not the time for that.

Anyway...I need someone to love. Period.

What About Me?

I am not a jealous person by nature. I need to say that first because what just happened to me hit me like a ton of bricks.
I'm in one of Starbucks' many locations in the Southern California area, and a mother and her children walked in. The mother was pretty in a delicate sort of way, and her children were cute, too. I could see her features on her daughter face. Her camel-colored daughter had not, however, inherited her blonde hair. And in the instant I thought it, my heart sank in my chest in a way reserved for happy couples.
Before we go further, this isn't a racial issue, per se. Even though the bling on mommy's finger almost blinded me -- literally -- that's not what hurts. What I want to understand is why no chocolate-colored man ever wanted to put a ring on it when it came to me.
There are times when I don't care that I'm one of several melanin-rich women that haven't been selected in the game of life. The consolation we have is that we're n…

Do You Know?

I had a conversation with one of my best friends, and we were discussing her breakup with her husband. Not to go into any details, but it was particularly devastating for her. When it happened, I was living in New York City, and I brought her up for a weekend to get away. We hung out, laughed, joked, partied, got her a new hairdo...the works. She always told me that it was helpful for her. Honestly, I was doing what I thought a friend should do. But I have to tell you -- I had no clue what she was actually going through. I couldn't comprehend the depth of the pain she was experiencing.

Now I do.

After the New Boo debacle -- combined with TMFKATO -- I don't know how people survive that stuff multiple times. I don't know if I could walk upright if I went through this more than once or twice. I see people falling in and out of love all the time. I don't know how they do it.

But can I say that as much as this has hurt, I'm glad to have experienced it. No matter how ugl…
I was loved.

I was thinking about my life this time last year. I was reflecting on how so much could change in 365 days.

My heart was safe. I thought I was participating in the definitive relationship of my life. I can see the stars that were sparkling in my eyes, and I loved it.

People probably thought I was crazy. After all, who invests their everything in Macy's salesperson? That would be me. He made me feel like I could fly.

I was loved.

Today I'm in California keeping my friend's son. He's looking at me as my eyes well up with tears. I can't explain it to him, and fortunately, he's not a perceptive enough child to care that I'm broken. All he knows is that I'm going to take him to daycare.

I was loved.

I promise you that I won't wallow today. Inasmuch as I want to, I won't. I honestly don't have the time or the energy to devote to mourning my wasted affection again. Instead, I will do my best to celebrate the fact that no matter what, t…

I Own My Tears

I own my tears.

I used this as a hashtag on a Facebook post. I was talking about the movie, "The Fault in Our Stars." If you've seen it, you know what I mean, and I won't spoil it for you.

Of course, you know me -- it's deeper than that. I need to say it out loud...

I own my tears.

New Boo meant the world to me. He really did. Our relationship meant the world to me. It really, really did. And now it's over and he's gone -- seemingly for good. That makes me cry more than I want to, and more than I have ever imagined I would. And while I hate it, I need to do this. I need to mourn this thing in its entirety because it has truly changed my life.

I own my tears.

I own the fact that I am hurt. I own the fact that I'm mourning a relationship that I wanted to work more than life itself. I wanted to be a part of a couple, and eventually a family. That may well happen for me one day. Today, though, it doesn't look likely. So yes, I cry. And you know what?

Dumped...

It finally dawned on me why I've taken this breakup so hard.

I got dumped.

This is the one of the first times in my romantic history that someone has said to me, "Yeah...I'm done with you." And to be clear, there have been times when relationships have run their course. But this is the first time I've been blindsided by a situation that I thought was good.

I got dumped.

I'm guessing this is what the guys I've left behind feel. When they think they've done their best...and I don't agree...and I put plans in motion to get out, they, too, feel blindsided. But this time...

I got dumped.

I've had several relationships end. All of them, actually. And I didn't want all of them to end. Who wants to be single? Certainly not me. But when they got bad, I got out. Because even though I don't want to be single, I'd rather be single than be in a bad relationship. Maybe I wasn't in a bad relationship, but he was. Rather than tell me, he just …

Keeping the Music Playing...

"How do you keep the music playing..."

I can honestly admit that watching last night's edition of Scandal jacked me up. When she pulled out the James Ingram-Patti Austin hit, I completely dissolved in a river of tears. Especially when Mellie asked him, "What have you ever sacrificed for me?"

One of the last discussions I had with New Boo involved me asking him to fight for us. He told me that his depression and fear had basically destroyed his love for me. I told him that I was scared, too, but I fought my fears for the sake of our relationship. I pushed down my doubts because I loved him so much. I basically battled myself for the sake of US, and I couldn't understand why he didn't give me that much consideration.

I think when breakups happen, it's not the fights you have about the symptoms of the sickness. It's the lack of fight you have with the ultimate killers of your love that make it ugly. When you realize the person you've put everyt…

Success

"I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful..." -Drake

I know that success means different things to different people. For some, it means lots of money. For others, a sense of security. For still others, it means a happy family and great relationships.

Me? I want all of that. And more.

I'm working and watching "The Devil Wears Prada." There's one scene where Miranda talks about her impending divorce. She looks so pitiful as she talks about losing another husband.

I do not want that. I want to have love in my life. I want to have it all.

Of course, at this point, I don't know if that includes children. I want them, but as my 45th birthday approaches, I don't know that babies will be in the cards for me.

I want a husband, too, even though I was told that marriage is out of style. We shall see.

What I do know is that whatever is for me will be mine.

While I don't know what the future holds, I know I have to trust in what God has. Even if I can'…

A Choice

I am deciding to be happy. Again.

Even though I love New Boo, he does NOT love me. Even though I'm concerned about New Boo, he is NOT concerned about me. And as much as he SAID he wanted us to be friends, I see that he was just giving me lip service. And that's okay.

He and I are not a we, and we will never be again. As much as I hate that, I have to come to grips with it and move on. He certainly has. And that's okay.

Now it's my turn.

So I'm choosing to look at our time together as a good thing. I learned a lot from our relationship. I learned that contrary to popular belief, I CAN live with people. I can cook, and I can clean. I know how to make a house a home, and I can be domestic. That was huge for me.

Am I ready for marriage? I think so, but I know I have a lot to learn. But I'm well on my way after my time with New Boo. I think I've what to do and what NOT to do.

And please know -- I'm still undone. I'm still brokenhearted. And I'm still…

Undone...Still

"A broken heart is a broken heart. To take a measure is cruelty."

It's been almost four months since New Boo and I broke up, and I'm still broken. Undone. Forever changed. I'm sure I'll be back to myself eventually, but I know I'll never be the same. My heart will never be able to trust the way it did before him.

It's a death -- plain and simple. No matter how you look at it, my love, my hopes, and my dreams have died. And my heart has been shattered. I couldn't put it back together if I tried.

There's no cure for heartbreak. There just isn't.

And here's the killer -- I know it's possible to get over these things. I've seen people do it for years. I have to wonder how my mom handled the heartbreaks of her life. Or my grandmother.

I realize that in the general scheme of life, my issues are very minor. People get their hearts broken every day. People get disappointed every day. People wake up alone every day. People's dreams …

No Mas

It's official. I do not want Ole Miss in my life.

We went out on our second date. He was kind, sweet, and everything a girl could want in a date. But I don't want him. In addition to the fact that he looks and acts old, I'm not attracted to him. End of story.
In fact, last night's date proved that I don't want to date at all.
We went to see The Intern. He wanted to see The Martian, but I don't like sci-fi, and I wasn't in the mood for something too heavy in light of all that I've been going through. In addition, I kinda guilted him into it because he didn't ask what I wanted to see.
Anyway, we're watching the film and all I could think about is how much I missed New Boo. At one point, a guy cheated on his wife, and I almost went into hysterics. It was so bad that I was almost sobbing. Thankfully, the theater was dark and he didn't seem to notice the meltdown.
Afterwards, we went to IHOP. Again, I realized I didn't want him touching me in…

Dating -- I Hate It

When it gets right down to it, I hate dating.
That's one of the many things I cry about. When New Boo and I got together, I thought this part of my life was over. The dating part. I thought we'd be together, and that would be that.
Now I'm dating again. And I hate it.
I would do/give/be anything to just be off the market and safely ensconced in a relationship. I promise you I would.
Instead, I'm communicating with a man who sees nothing wrong with "pleasuring" himself three times a day to "relieve stress."
I. can't.
The sky is overcast today. When New Boo and I lived in the haunted house of horrors, most of the days were overcast. But our relationship brought light to my life. I loved us together, and I miss him tremendously.
But the reality of the situation is that I don't know what was real with him. His lies have tainted what could be happy memories of us. I don't know what was going on and I don't know what I can hold on to at an…
There are so many times that I miss New Boo.

For instance, we'd make dinner and watch "The Voice." And yesterday, an old metrocard fell out of my wallet. I kept it when it expired because he told me once, "All I need is $2.50 to get to you." (Yes, it was cheesy, but I wanted to have it for our memory book.)

Now there's no need for a memory book. But everything is still written on my heart. And as hard as I'm trying, there are still things that I miss. And yes...tears still come. I wish they didn't.

My friend told me to be kind to myself. I never realized how kind I'd actually have to be.

I finally got my California dates. It'll be good to get away from this.

A Good Weekend

This was the kind of weekend that will go down in the books as one of my best.

On Friday, I went with my friend to see Pope Francis. We were two of 80-thousand people that gathered in Central Park to get a glimpse of the leader of the Catholic Church. While I'm nowhere near Catholic, I can respect this pope and what he stands for. It was interesting to see how many people were really geeked about just getting a glimpse of him. Almost like a mass exodus to touch the hem of his garment. Afterwards, she and I went to a cafe and closed the place down. I loved it because the food was good and the staff was very accommodating. We've decided that that will be "our place." I love it.
Saturday was spent brunching with my girls and then going to a comedy show. One of my coworkers was a featured comedian, and he was great. Afterwards, we went to a bar and ran into a couple a friends. 
And today I went to brunch and then to work. I got finished early, and was able to catch the S…

What I Want

I want a family. Not just a baby -- a husband and a child.

My 45th birthday is fast approaching. One of my New Year's resolutions was to either have a baby or be pregnant by now. New Boo had said he wanted a family, so we were trying. Then he stopped. I didn't really ask because we were going through so much financially that I understood. Of course, I didn't know it was the beginning of the end.

For the majority of this year, I've been dealing with loss. First it was the loss of The One Formerly Known as The One. Then my friend's mom died. Then New Boo left me. And you know about This Fatal Summer. So it didn't make sense to bring a baby into this environment. But as this milestone creeps up on me faster than I wanted it to, I'm reminded of that want of mine.

A friend of mine asked me why I don't have kids -- and what was I waiting on. When I said I wanted to get married, she looked at me and said, "Marriage went out in the 80s." She then call…

This...

It is my supreme goal to get over this thing with New Boo. At this point, it is my only goal in life. I'm so tired of crying that I don't know what to do.

I don't want to date anyone else, and every time I do, it feels like cheating. Is that crazy?

I had a perfectly good date yesterday. I met up with a guy for brunch. We had bottomless mimosas, and he thought I was the cutest thing ever. Even though he said he was 45, he looked way older than that to me. People tell me I look young for my age, but this guy reminded me of the guy I dated in California. The old man. It didn't help that he's from Mississippi and I do NOT like to hear southern men talk.

That's beside the point. I spent the rest of the day thinking about New Boo. And I hate that.

Oh...and it probably didn't help that Thickums put the final nail in his coffin yesterday. We were supposed to get together last night to celebrate his new job. Instead, he tells me that he wants to go to a day party to…

Rock Bottom

I finally did it. I finally hit rock bottom in this thing with New Boo. Here's how it happened...

My day began innocently enough. I have to admit that I thought everything was going to be okay. I had a cooking class scheduled and then I was meeting my co-workers for a rousing evening at Medieval Times. (And before you ask, it was NOT my idea.)

So I'm late to the cooking class and the stuff made me sick. Then I get to my job for a meeting and the trip to MT, and I felt awful. But I soldiered on and had a good time in spite of myself.

Then we left to go home, and that's when things got weird. My original plan was to get off at Times Square and Uber home. But I decided against it. Then I made the fatal mistake of moving toward the front of the bus right when the driver said, "Does anyone need Penn Station?"

I do NOT need Penn Station, but New Boo works across the street at Macy's. And I've been having a fit to see him. I thought to myself, maybe if I see him…

Coming Home...

It finally happened.

My mother asked me if I was considering a move back to Texas.

In the 16 years I've been away from here, she's never asked me that.

My brother and all of my friends have wanted me back for years. But she's never said those words to me. So I now have to consider it.

There are pros and cons to such a move. For one, I'd be starting back over in Texas at an age when most people are tightening up and securing their future situations. Since I'm single, it really doesn't matter where I am. And I'm able to do the writing job from anywhere. That's the only reason she'd ask me something like that. I wouldn't be in Dallas -- I'd move to Austin because I can do my second job from there.

So what's holding me in New York City? Not really sure. It's not like I have a boyfriend who matters to me right now. There's no point in staying in an attempt to make New Boo want me, and Tinderfella and his childbearing hips can't ke…

Three Months Later...

Today makes three months since New Boo and I broke up. Here's what's going on...

He and I aren't really speaking.

Tinderfella is quietly making his way to the sidelines.

I am getting better.

I have to admit that yesterday was hard. I was with my friend as she started her online journey to find love. As we looked for a suitable profile picture that would show her beauty and character in one fell swoop, we ran across a picture that she took on her phone during a photo shoot. As we tried to figure out the date, I realized it was taken on a night when I'd asked him to come home. The last time I asked him to come home before we broke up. I couldn't stop myself from crying as I remembered how hurt I was that evening.

She couldn't understand the source of my tears. Honestly, I don't know if she ever understands when I cry over him.

Anyway, that started me on a downward spiral that was further acerbated by a call from a common friend of mine, hers, and formerly New…

Oh Boy...

So...I reached out to New Boo. With all this madness going on with me, I decided to stop wondering about him and just find out if he's okay.

Clearly he is.

I told him I missed him in one text. He said he missed me, too. Then I reached out to him yesterday to tell him that I made tacos -- one of his favorites -- and to say Happy Labor Day. We spoke about him working at his new job, but he was clearly not glad to hear from me, so I let the conversation drop.

I still love him.

He still doesn't love me.

And we move on with our lives.

What I wouldn't give not to care. But I do...and I'm kinda messed up right now.

Oh...and Tinderfella hasn't been heard from. What he doesn't really understand is that I need way more from him than he's able to give right now. He doesn't understand that I need attention in order to stay interested. Now understand -- the bad sex already has me not on the edge with him. If he wants to pull me back in, he's going to have to giv…

A Roommate?

I'm considering a roommate.

Now, let me say this -- I categorically believe that grown folks need their own space. That's just the reality of what I think. But a surprise houseguest has me considering my position.

Here's the deal -- one of my friends (and I use the term loosely because I really don't know her like that) found herself out of a home when her mother decided to move back to Houston. She's been here since Saturday night, and I realize I need someone in this house with me. It's been fun cooking for us and she cleans, which is a plus for me.

Maybe a roommate is just what I need. I would have someone home with me so I wouldn't be alone, and she could help out with the rent and bills. She seems to be nice, and I know it would keep me out of trouble.

We shall see...

What Do You Need...

When a person dies, one of the first things people ask the survivors is, "What do you need?" It's a common question borne out of love for either the person who passed or the person who's left. Either way, it's a sincere question because people want to help.

Of course, when a relationship dies, there is no such outpouring of sympathy. After all, the person you were formerly linked to is still up and walking, so there is no physical death in the picture. And no matter how hurt you are, no one's going to equate it with the mourning that actually goes on when your hopes and dreams are cast into the sea, never to be spoken of again.

Now that my friend's mom is gone, I want be of assistance to her. But in my current state of fluctuating emotions, I almost feel useless. Of course, I'll do my best to suck it up because -- let's be honest -- who's REALLY checking for me and my foolish feelings at a time like this? And what kind of jerk would I be to tr…

Venting

There are times in your life when what you're going through -- while it's major to you -- really doesn't rate anywhere near important in the general scheme of life. That is where I am now.

I am hurt. I am lonely. I am feeling unloved and like no one cares. These are all lies.

Yes, my heart is sore. Yes, I am alone. But I'm not in a place where I have to be alone. I could very easily persuade one of my many friends to hang with me today. But here's where the rub comes in -- because I'm sad, I don't want to impose my mood on anyone.

One of my best friends lost her mother this week. What kind of friend would I be if I called her with the "I Miss New Boo" blues? A selfish one indeed.

One of my other friends is still dealing with the loss of her mother. In addition, she has three children to look after. Will my "I'm feeling fat and old" refrain help her in anyway? Not at all.

And I have a couple of friends who are taking care of sick moth…

Another Friday Night...

My period is here. I don't think I've ever been happier to see it.

I was supposed to be going out, but things didn't work out (again) with Tinderfella. I'm beginning to think that my mom was right -- he's cheap. That's okay. I'm not pressed about it either way. If we eventually go, fine. If not, I'm good, too.

Tinderfella doesn't realize this about me, but I can and will lose interest quickly -- especially if I think you're not as interested in something as I am. I'm on the verge of being through with him. And it doesn't help that I'm not physically attracted to him.

That's why I'm back on Tinder.

Please understand -- I don't think I'm ready to date again. But I'm lonely and need something to do. So I'm swiping left and right, hoping that my Mr. Wonderful will be there and be willing to pull me out of my funk.

Tinderfella thinks I might love him. He's REALLY got life mistaken at this point.

Honestly, I'…

I Miss Him

I miss him so much.

I am trying not to feel this way, but every time I speak to Tinderfella, I find myself missing New Boo. I know it's irrational, but I so wish we had worked out. I had my heart set on that fool, and now he's gone.

In my head, I know that New Boo isn't good for me. I know that Tinderfella has way more going for him than New Boo ever will. Yet New Boo has my heart. My whole heart. And I don't know how to get it back.

Tinderfella has a busy life -- which I'm grateful for -- but he said tonight that he was making it a priority to fit me into it. That's what a woman wants to hear. But he's not the one.

I guess I'm wondering if maybe I'm just bugging. Maybe he IS the one, and I just don't feel it. After all, we've only been on one official date. So maybe I just need to see him again to solidify whatever I'm feeling.

Or maybe I'm just trying to make something out of nothing. I don't know...

Where I am Today

There are times in everyone's life when things become crystal clear. Even if they weren't before that moment, the minute it happens, everything you wondered about comes into sharp focus.

I had two such moments today.

The first one is that I'm scared of the possibility of being 45 and alone. I thought for sure by now that SOMEONE would want me enough to take me off the market. Sadly, that hasn't happened. And with 45 being just under three months away, I don't know that Prince Charming will show up before my deadline.

This is causing me way more pain that I want to admit. I'd like to say that my single life is so wonderful that I don't need a man. And to be clear, I guess "need" is a strong word. I just don't want to be old and alone. I want to have the dedicated love of a man every day. Whether it's washing the dishes or making me long for him in the wee hours of the morning, I want someone here with me.

The other thing I realized is that …

An Update

I decided to block New Boo on both my phone and Facebook.

It was not an easy decision. I didn't really want to cut him out of my life that way, but I realized that he'd already done it to me. And when you do that, you don't get the luxury of dropping in when YOU want to.

Besides, what do we have to talk about? He claims he wants to be my friend, but he's not honest enough to tell the truth about anything. And I'm tired of waiting for him to "get it together."

If a person loves you and wants to be with you, he or she will. It's just that simple. New Boo has made it clear that he doesn't want to be with me. I'm okay with that. Now I've got to heal from that, and I can't do it if there's always a possibility of him dropping in on me and destroying whatever stability I've found.

When I asked him why he'd dropped me as a friend on Facebook, he told me that he dropped everyone -- as if that would make it better. Like it was okay …

Chicken Roosting & Other Thoughts

I think my friends have abandoned me. In a lot of ways, they didn't really understand how painful and devastating this New Boo chapter was for me. They didn't understand why I couldn't just suck it up and keep moving. They couldn't understand the crippling effect it had on me...and I haven't been able to explain it to them.

So I keep to myself. I wallow in the pain of my own imprisonment and I try not to cry EVERY day. As much as it probably seems like I don't, I really DO want to move from this place. I just don't know how...and I need someone to come snatch me out of here. But my friends think I'm weak and that I handled this thing stupidly, so they have no sympathy for me.

And here's the killer -- I don't think I blame them. If I'd heard my story from someone else, I'd probably think and do the same thing. I'd probably feel like the girl in question was such an idiot that she wouldn't deserve anything -- sympathy or otherwise …

To Block or Not to Block

To block or not to block. That is the question.

There's a wonderful feature on my iPhone 6 that allows me to block out any caller that I don't want to hear from. No calls, no texts, no nothing. I can completely cut them out of my life with one selection on a touch screen.

I'm debating on doing that to New Boo.

To be clear, it's not like he's contacting me every day. He's not that concerned about what's going on with me. However, he'd like to reserve the right to contact me when HE wants to. That means that whenever I'm about to get back on track, or move to a place that would render him useless to me, he might hit me up and shatter my world again.

So why wouldn't I block him?

I wouldn't be able to contact him, either. I couldn't get phone calls or text messages from him. We would be more like strangers than ever, and we wouldn't be able to communicate. That would make me sad.

On the other hand, how does one move on without a complete…

That Some Kinda Way Kinda Day

You know how you can feel "some kinda way," but not really know why? It finally hit me why I'm feeling some kinda way today.

I am officially old.

Now, I must admit that this wasn't a new revelation. As a human, I've been aging since the day I was born. I fight it to the death with hair dye, cute clothes, etc. But yesterday -- the same day I would've celebrated my one-year anniversary with New Boo -- I found out that I need new glasses. Not just ANY new glasses. I need progressive lenses. If you're not familiar with that terminology, it's basically the new way to say you need bifocals.

I was crushed, to say the least.

Here I am, a single woman with no children and no prospects for a husband with graying hair and now a need for bifocals. Who the hell is going to want me now? What the hell am I supposed to do? With every other thing that's happened this year, I think I've tried to be positive and hold on to hope that it could happen for me. This …

What I Need...

Now that I've had a few days to recover, I know what I need.

It's NOT New Boo.

As much as I love him and want to keep him in my life, I realize he's not good for me. He doesn't want to be my friend, and I refuse to beg for his friendship. All he wants to do is use me. His goal is to have enough options so he doesn't have to sleep on the train. As I told him when he was here, I am NOT an option. I have to be a priority. And that's where I'm leaving it with him. The next time he contacts me, I'm not going to be available.

As far as Tinderfella is concerned, I think he's adorable. But the sex thing is a concern of mine. I think he's a great guy. But I know me -- I don't think I can take him seriously like that. I'm sure he could be worked with and taught...but he deserves more than someone who's willing to work with him. He needs someone who could adore him. I don't know if I could ever really be that one.

If New Boo and I had made …

Date Night, Part 2

So...I kinda left you hanging, but I'm here to bring you up to speed.

New Boo showed up.

I literally had put Tinderfella out, and two hours later, New Boo contacted me.

I guess I should've kept it moving, but I had dreamed of him twice -- once that very night. So it was almost like I called him in the atmosphere.

He was here in about two more hours. And we were naked in another hour. Ugh.

Afterwards, we went to brunch. We walked in the park. We went to Ikea. He didn't leave until Monday morning. And we hashed out everything. I finally got the closure I needed. My conclusion?

New Boo is a pathological liar who has way more problems than any person should deal with. He's a user, and he's a selfish, inconsiderate, and generally awful person. While he does have some redeeming qualities, they are few and far in between.

I love him with all my heart and it's gonna take a miracle to change that any time soon. I wish my love was enough to get him where he needs to be, …

Date Night

Tinderfella and I finally had our date. Let's just say it wasn't what I expected.

We went to see "Straight Outta Compton" -- an excellent film, by the way -- and then he came home with me. Against my better judgement, I let him come upstairs.

I should back up at this point and say that I looked fierce for our first official date. I pulled out the big guns -- a dress and heels  -- and all he could say when he saw me was, "Damn."

We spent the movie acting like stupid teens who didn't have anywhere to go. He kept putting his hands between my legs...and I kept letting him -- again, against my better judgement. And then I let him bring me home.

His first order of business was to remove my shoes and massage my legs and feet. That was new for me. In all my years, I can honestly say that no man has done that for me -- unless it involved him sucking my toes. Of course, that led to him putting his face between my legs.

Ladies, I don't have to tell you how awe…

After the Morning After

We finally had our date...sort of.

I add the disclaimer because it didn't feel like a real date. We met up on a corner in the city. He wasn't hungry, so we ended up at my favorite burger joint. Since he didn't eat, I didn't want to ask him to pay -- and that's where things got hairy for me.

I have one hard, fast rule in dating. I only put out once a night. If I put out at the table -- i.e. pay -- I'm not putting out anywhere else. Call me crazy, that's just how I see it.

After that, he wanted to go make out. So here we are, on a park bench right off Times Square, making out like teenagers with no homes. Honestly, that is NOT a good look for a grown woman. But I knew if I brought him here, it was going to be pandemonium. I took him to work with me -- because it only made sense to do my show before I came home. We were in a studio, and while I don't know how impressed he was, I know he was trying to get at me in a real way. After that, we waited for the t…

The Aftermath...

He says he wants to fall in love with me.

He's making plans in the future for me.

He sounds like he wants to be with me.

So why do I think he's full of it?

After last night's failed date -- and my subsequent meltdown -- I really don't know what to do. I like Tinderfella, but I don't know if I'm ready or able to believe again. Am I wrong to feel this way? A lot of me thinks I am.

And I'm realizing that I'll never be number one with him because he has a family. Honestly, I think I need to be a man's top priority -- behind God and his job, of course. But I know I won't be with this one.

It's funny. I told him I was a mess, but until last night, I didn't really know what that meant. Sure, I know my heart is in disarray. But I didn't realize that any little setback could destroy me the way it did last night. I honestly felt like all of my hopes and dreams had been crushed and ground into powder. Let's just say I don't like that fe…

Not Ready...

I'm a girlfriend.

Thanks to New Boo, I'm not in a relationship. But let the record show that I'm still a girlfriend.

I feel like a widow. Nine times out of ten, when a woman's husband dies, she's not really through being a wife. She's had her world interrupted by his death, but no matter what goes on, she's still a wife.

That's how I feel right now.

I feel like a woman who was turned out of coupledom too soon, and I'm still a girlfriend. I haven't been here before. When I broke up with Mr. Wonderful, I wasn't interested in being his girlfriend. I was completely done. Unfortunately, this time I was dumped. Even though I put him out, it was because he was done with our relationship. But I wasn't. I was still deep in the throes of being his girlfriend.

So now I'm out here in the dating world, and I can only relate to men as a girlfriend. Which means that I check up on things. I'm concerned. And I want to spend time. Not just naked t…

Stood Up

So Tinderfella and I are supposed to be going on our first date.

I'm waiting.

He said that work got in the way of him being on time for our first date. The date I've spent half the day crying and stressing over. Crying because it still feels like I'm cheating on New Boo when I deal with anyone else, and stressing because I didn't do laundry so I had to try to figure out what to wear.

I'm one step from angry.

And please understand -- I usually run late. But because it's a first date, I made it a point to get it together. Now my house isn't completely ready...and I guess I have time to do that. But I'm kinda leaving it incomplete so I won't be tempted to bring him upstairs and do dirty things with him. Because I'm not emotionally ready to let myself go down that path with anyone. But now that he's late -- almost 30 minutes -- I'm tempted to call it off.

I'm really not ready to date again, but I need to get out. And I won't do it al…

I'm Not Wrong to Love

I got up this morning and realized two things...

I get sad about New Boo because I still love him, and me loving him is a good thing.

What I realized is that some people think I was wrong to love him the way I did. And I wasn't. Yes, he was a liar and I didn't know that. But loving him wasn't a crime. In fact, I'm thankful that I loved him. He was -- and is -- worth it. He's a person with a heart, and that makes him viable.

Now is he viable for ME? Not so much. Again...he's a liar. He doesn't know how to be a friend. He has substance abuse issues. He doesn't care for his children. He needs a lot of help.

But me loving him wasn't a problem. He needed to experience love. I know I gave it to him. Him not being able to accept it and reciprocate it doesn't negate the love I gave to him.

Some of my friends act like I was wrong to love him. I wasn't. I did what I was supposed to do. I gave him my all. I tried my best. The fact that it didn't wo…

In Trouble

So...I'm going to meet Tinderfella for the first time today.

I'm kinda scared. Not because he's not a great guy -- he really is -- but I like his conversation and stuff. If I meet him and he's a troll, I'm going to be disappointed because if what he's saying is real, he's husband material.

But even beyond that, I hope he's not disappointed in me. He swears he thinks I'm beautiful from my pictures, But we all know how pictures can make people all lovely and when you see them in person, you're running for the hills.

So...this should be interesting to say the least...
_____________

Have you ever met someone and known immediately that you were going to be in trouble? That's what just happened with Tinderfella.

He's an adorable dude with a cute smile. He has child-bearing hips, but we can fix that. What I love about him is that he is a man. A real one. One who said to me, "What do you want to do to celebrate your anniversary in radio?&qu…

My Hero?

I think I may have found my hero.

This has been a trying morning. My friend lost her friend, and I did my part to cheer her up. Then I realized that the trip I need to make to Texas for a funeral may not be able to happen because I don't have enough money to do it.

And then Tinderfella called. I told him what was going on, and he said that he would look into it for me. He didn't make any promises, but that was enough to complete throw me off.

I realized that I'm so used to working things out on my own that I don't even think about asking anyone for anything. To be clear, he may not be able to do it, but if he can, I think I'll faint. Literally.

I've needed a hero for so long. We all do. But in so many instances, I'm the hero. I don't mind that. But sometimes I need someone to save me, too. And if Tinderfella can do that, I swear he will have me forever.
One year ago today, I got the last text I'd ever get from The Man Formerly Known as The One. Clearly I didn't know it at the time because I probably would've said so many other things. But this is what he left me with.

Today, my heart is in such disarray. New Boo and I -- who were going strong and building what I thought was a firm foundation at that time -- don't even speak. Tinderfella is making me smile. And this is what I think about.

This has been a year -- to say the least.

Sometimes I wonder how this year would've turned out if I hadn't chosen New Boo. Would TMFKATO still be with us? Or would I be deep in a different kind of mourning? Those are answers I'll never get.

So much death this year. From TMFKATO to Adra and now to Ronnie -- my uncle's brother-in-law who passed yesterday. Even the girl I knew from college who passed away in her sleep at the tender age of 42. It all makes my heart sore.

Even in the midst of this, I'm thankful. Throug…

Tinderfella

So...I met someone. On Tinder.

Before you judge me, please know that this is my attempt to move on. I am trying so very hard to let New Boo go. I really am. Some days are easier than others. 
I was going to do eHarmony, but I felt like it was too expensive without offering me much. So I went on Tinder and got two matches the same day. One of them was a "spiritual nonconformist," which I took to mean an across the board heathen. The other one literally sounds like everything I've been looking for.
Tinderfella is a divorced dad of two who lives in Queens. He seems to be a lovely dude who has a great sense of humor and great taste in music. He loves his family AND he loves Jesus -- a plus for me. He even said those magic words that every woman wants to hear...
"I wanna be a husband."
Since I just met him, I don't necessarily want him to be MY husband today, but I like where his head is. It also doesn't hurt that he thinks I'm beautiful. 
Could this be …

What a Difference...

My friend said to me, "How did you manage to let him change your life in the course of a year?"

I didn't know how to tell her.

We were going to Brooklyn for an annual party that our friends give. When I went last year, I ended my night with New Boo because he didn't live far from there. This year, I hesitated to go. And when we got off the train and started walking toward the house, my heart was flooded with the memory of that night and I was sad. So much had changed in a year.

When she asked me that, I knew I couldn't speak without tears, so I walked along in silence.

Here's the deal -- while it seemed to my friends that I was giving up my life, I didn't feel that way. I thought we were building a life together. That's what he told me -- that it would be me and him. And I bought it. Hook, line, and sinker. I wanted to believe it.

Did I like my life? Sure. But I realize that I wanted more out of it. I wanted someone to belong to. I wanted someone who …

Building That Bridge...

Can someone please tell me when I'll get completely over New Boo?

I need to know because I'm so tired of the tears hitting me at unexpected moments.

Honestly, I've been doing really well. I even decided to try my hand at online dating. I signed up for Tinder and eHarmony. My goal right now is to meet some nice people to hang out with. I do NOT want to pursue a relationship unless it's natural, organic, and mutual.

But I still miss him so much. In fact, just chatting with another guy makes me sad. I was still doing well with it, and then someone asked me about the boyfriend.

I don't have a boyfriend anymore.

I'm a 44-year-old woman and I don't have anyone to love me.

I'm doing online dating trying to look for something to do.

All of these things are sad to me. Hence the reason the tears are here.

So I'll cry for now, dry my eyes, and keep it moving.

But I swear I'm ready for these things not to affect me.

Home Again

I'm home again. 
After spending almost a week with my family and close friends, I'm back in this place where New Boo was the only person I considered family.
I'm home again. 
This time, though, it's just me here. He's got a new girlfriend. I'm at the house we shared. Alone.
I'm home again.
No matter how hard I try to put him out of my mind, he still manages to permeate my thoughts in such a way that I'd like to put my brain on a time out. I just want him not to run through my mind all day, but he does and I can't stop him.
I'm home again.
When I walked in, this house felt hot and stuffy, but in reality it was cold and lonely because there's no love here now. You'd think I'd be used to living this way, but I'm not. After spending time with my family, I realize I don't want to live in a loveless existence. It hurts me to say this, but...
I'm home again.
I love my place. When it's put together, I really like the thought …

New Boo Moves On...

New Boo has a new boo.

My homegirl told me that his homeboy let it slip.
I'm trying not to be upset, but I am.
I guess what hurts me most is that I thought what we had was real. I thought he loved me like he said he did. If, in fact, he loved me at all, he couldn't move on this fast. 
Clearly we were in different relationships. Which means that while I'm devastated, he's moving on.
I'm trying not to be upset, but I am.
Here I am, mourning the loss of the best relationship ever. And clearly none of it was real for him. He just played the role long enough to get over on me. And the bad part is that I'm not the only one he bamboozled and hoodwinked.
He lied to his friends, too. He told his former roommate that he couldn't pay him his back rent because he was paying bills at my house. He told me he couldn't help me out because he was paying bills at the other house. At the end of the day, he wasn't paying anyone but the bartender.
I'm trying not to …

Reality...or Something Like It

I miss him and I hate him.

That's about the sum total of my feelings right now.

It's so sad to me that a love that was so vibrant and sweet could end up like this. The thing that makes it so awful to me is that I still have a lot of love for him. But he's purposed it in his heart that my love is to be avoided like the plague.

I wish I could turn it off...this love I have for him. It would make my life a lot less complicated. But I can't.

My brother was talking to us about his wife. She's upset because he doesn't tell her things like, "I miss you." The way he sees it, if he didn't miss her, he wouldn't come home. Furthermore, the fact that he married her supersedes all the other trivial things.

I want to pull my new sister-in-law to the side and tell her my story. How I bent over backwards trying to please a man who had no intention of being with me forever. I want to share with her how many woman do everything in their power to get a man to do…

Blocked!

There will come a day when I won't be surprised by the shenanigans of New Boo.

Today is not that day.
I found out that he's back on Facebook with a new name. But when I searched it, nothing comes up for me. The only conclusion I can draw is that he's blocked me.
Why?
I didn't wrong him. HE wronged me, but I get blocked. 
I'm sure he's doing me a favor. After all, do I really need to cyberstalk him and find out what he's doing now that we're not together?
Probably not. But I want to. Don't judge me because I KNOW I'm not the only one.
But this lets me know that he has no interest in me being in any part of his life.
Moving on...

Lonesome...

I don't like being alone
I was doing pretty good, and then I ran across an article talking about how loneliness is detrimental to your health. I completely agree. That was one of the things I was so looking forward to with New Boo -- not being alone. Now that I'm back at square one again, it's not easy to negotiate.
And while I'm definitely firmly ensconced in the thought that I'm dodging a bullet by getting away from him, there are still things that come up for me. Like how much I loved his representative.
After the way our relationship played out, I'm completely convinced that I was dating someone else. The person I was dating was his best incarnation of himself, the person he wanted to be. That would've been great except for one thing -- you can't keep up a fake persona in a real relationship. And by the time he released his true self, I was so deluded by the pseudo-him that I couldn't take it.
I was thinking today how I would've taken him i…

For Adra...

I learned the importance of having friends from my mother. My mother was the youngest of five children, and her sister was 11 years older than her. Therefore, it was necessary for Mom to have girlfriends that functioned like sisters. My mom would spend hours talking and laughing with them, and I knew that having friends like that was something to look forward to in adulthood.

My mom had several friends like that. I always enjoyed going to see the ladies that had kids because I could have fun, too. But when there weren't children involved, I wasn't enthused to go. But there was one I always liked.
I loved Adra because she was on the radio. Even though she had a son that was older than me who had no time for me, I still enjoyed going to her house because she had personality. She knew how to make even the youngest guest feel welcome.
Fast forward to now. The spunky young women they were now live behind gray hair and dimming eyes. Now that I'm grown, I get a chance to stay in …

I Miss Him -- Not New Boo

I just realized that I miss The Man Formerly Known As The One.
With all the drama and hype of the New Boo breakup, my feelings about TMFKATO have kind of gotten lost in the sauce. I rarely think of the man who restored my hope in love the first time. He was the one who opened up my heart just enough for New Boo to slip in.
If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that part of the pain of losing New Boo is tied up in losing TMFKATO, too. I never really gave myself enough space to really mourn the loss of our relationship and his untimely death. As I looked at his sister's Facebook page, I thought about how much I loved him at one time, and it hit me.
I miss him.
He was moody, surly, aloof, bitter, and a lot of other things, but he loved me. He wanted to be my husband and give me babies and grow old with me. Unfortunately, he couldn't find his way out of the bottle long enough to be the man I needed him to be.
I find our love story to be quite tragic. Inasmuch as I wanted …

Vain Wishing...

I had the opportunity to meet with a woman who's a dating expert. When I told her about the situation with New Boo and I, she told me that I needed to take all of his pictures out of my phone.

I think she might be right.

Every time I see an image of him, I get sad all over again. If he's smiling, I wonder when everything went wrong. In the pictures I have of him when he's not posing, I wonder what's going through his mind. Basically, each photo makes me relive the moment and I don't need that right now.

Heck, I'm reliving the moments without the images anyway.

And I'm wondering...how do people do it? How do they make the love last?

What I wouldn't give to know.

What I wouldn't give to be able to go into those pictures and ask the hard questions myself.

Honestly, I'd like to ask him those questions now. But it's water under the bridge and as Granny would say, a vain wish.

Wallowing

When I told my mom about breaking up with New Boo, she told me that I'd probably be over this thing in two weeks -- IF I didn't wallow.

I think I might be wallowing.

There are days that start off okay. I get out of bed and I don't think about the fact that I'm lonely. But inevitably, something will remind me of my single status and I'll start crying all over again.

Today, it was takeout food and cooking shows.

Since he's been gone, I really haven't felt like cooking. I got used to preparing food for both of us. But now that it's just me, I don't always feel like going through the trouble. So I order takeout. And it makes me sad because I live in the hood, which means that healthy food won't come knocking at the door. After a lunch of bad Chinese, I was sad. Add to that an afternoon of Food Network programming, and I'm in tears.

I spent the last two nights at work so I wouldn't be here alone. But I don't want to go out again. I just w…

I Loved Him Once...

I loved him once.

No matter when I see New Boo again, I know I'll say that

I loved him once.

I poured my heart and soul into the man I thought was going to end my dating career and take care of my heart for the rest of my life. I thought he was going love me and cherish me and make me feel special until the end of time.

But alas, after all is said and done, all I can say is

I loved him once.

I gave him things reserved for the man of my dreams. I cooked. I cleaned. I made sure that everything was beautiful for this man. I wanted him to be able to relax when he came home from work. I wanted him to know that no matter what it was he wanted, it was always on the menu with me. I did that. What did he do? Take it all and leave me with nothing.

It's over now. And all I have to show for my dreams and good intentions is the notion that

I loved him once.

It is my prayer that I never see him with another girl. I hope that I never get to see him happy with someone else. And understand -- …