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What About Me?

I am not a jealous person by nature. I need to say that first because what just happened to me hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm in one of Starbucks' many locations in the Southern California area, and a mother and her children walked in. The mother was pretty in a delicate sort of way, and her children were cute, too. I could see her features on her daughter face. Her camel-colored daughter had not, however, inherited her blonde hair. And in the instant I thought it, my heart sank in my chest in a way reserved for happy couples.

Before we go further, this isn't a racial issue, per se. Even though the bling on mommy's finger almost blinded me -- literally -- that's not what hurts. What I want to understand is why no chocolate-colored man ever wanted to put a ring on it when it came to me.

There are times when I don't care that I'm one of several melanin-rich women that haven't been selected in the game of life. The consolation we have is that we're not alone in being picked last. But can I just say that I am tired of being passed over -- for whatever reason. I'm too fat. I'm too dark. I'm too outspoken. It's not a good feeling at all.

So when I see women who don't look like me with kids that could be in my family, it can be a bit disheartening. And understand -- I don't begrudge her for her life or her love. I honestly am happy for any woman who can survive coupledom long enough to reproduce.

But when will it be my turn? I'm no longer in the "young and sexy" category. I'm now "a woman of a certain age." And I don't mind it at all. If I had the choice, I don't think I'd ever go backwards -- unless I could take all the life lessons with me. No...what bugs me is that I feel like time is slipping by me faster than I care to acknowledge.

A 45-year-old woman can still get married. If she starts soon enough after the wedding, she may still be able to have kids. And then there's me.

(SN: This is me whining and being overly dramatic. I realize that. Please humor me.)

I do wonder who could possibly want me. I also wonder if there are men on my level who'd be willing to take me on and love me. 

Okay...that's enough wallowing -- even for me. Back to your scheduled programming...

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.