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A New Possibility?

If you've been reading EFTDOAD for any length of time, you've probably noticed that I haven't really talked about a man. By that, I mean a man of my own. What's really sad is that there hasn't been a man in my life for the entire time I've been writing this blog. I hate that. However, things may be looking up for me.

One of my good friends hosts a forum in Los Angeles called "Battle of the Sexes." This monthly event consists of guys and girls submitting questions anonymously to the moderators, with the answers being discussed in an open forum. It can get quite rowdy, and the discussions are always enlightening. For most of us, it's the first time we've really heard what members of the opposite sex think. I've been attending these Battles for a few months now. Even though I'm not a fan of mindless rhetoric, it's cool to be around some single people who can think and put together coherent sentences.

The last couple of times I've gone, I've chatted with a young man. He's a cutie, but I don't think he's on the same page I am. For one, his commentary at the battles could be construed as anti-female. He and boys are the ones who think monogamy is for suckas and women are the enemy.

So why have I entertained this guy? No particular reason. Like I said, he IS a cutie. His convo really isn't serious, and I think he's mostly responding to my brand of passive-aggressive flirting that men sometimes misconstrue as an invitation for sex. The last time I saw him, he took it to the next level by asking for my number. While I was flattered by the attention, frankly, I'm scared to death.

Here's the deal. When I first started this celibacy thing, I did it because I was tired of hooking up with guys who didn't have relationships on their minds -- only relations. At my age, I need more than your typical "wham, bam, thank you, ma'am" situations. After Granny died, I felt like she was watching me, and I didn't want her to see me like that.

After going without for almost a year, I'm having an extreme attack of LSE (Low Self-Esteem). I won't go into it right now, but let's just say that I'm wondering if a guy like him could have any legitimate interest in a girl like me. If and when he calls, I hope my voice won't give me away. I hope I can have a decent conversation with him without my desperation showing. And I hope that he'll be trying to get to know about MackDiva, The Woman, not MackDiva, The Sex Goddess.

Don't get me wrong -- sex is a beautiful thing. However, I've had enough to last a lifetime. Now I'm interested in making love with a guy who loves and respects me in all my splendorous glory. That takes time and energy, and I refuse to invest either of those things in someone whose only purpose in being with me is to get me naked.

Yes, I'm probably overthinking this thing. After all, he might just think I'm cool. Maybe he's looking for a homie to hang out with, someone to kick it with during the game. Either way, I won't know until he calls. Wish me luck...

Comments

Angie-Nuvision said…
Great post! I really liked this one. I would love to read more commentary from you regarding your dating experiences.
Janelle said…
Of course I wish you luck in what ever you do (especially the moving back to NY part). However to quote my press & curl partner in crime, "it's called self esteem for a reason. it's esteem of your mother fucking self!"LMAO

But seriously, don't let the dating drought think you are the one that is at fault and let that effect how you feel about you. Continue working on you and eventually the right man will see what we your friends already see.
Love ya!
djdannak said…
I am trying to get caught up...I'm in accidental celibacy mode and I am not sure how long this has been going on ....like July of 2006, but if Phone sex or text sex counts then...its another story, but I haven't had any of that since like July either...it's nice to hear the adventures of other celibate women ....I am and wondering where the day is going to take me on this one...my self esteem has actually risen and I am getting to know me much faster...it is about time I am 40....I did have flashbacks to a college escapade thanks to his resurrection on facebook (he found me first...thank God) and so my celibate mode feels like it could be tested....if I ran into him....thank God for the distance between Alabama and California
Tiffany said…
Geez, I can't believe y'all are on this kick too. LOL. I'm trying to think of activities to keep me focused on the celibate movement; it's actually not that difficult considering the pool of available men and of course the one's who forget they are unavailable.

I am so where you are. We're women, we can pretty much capture any dude we want just because we're women, but who wants "any" dude?

Re-virginized!
Anonymous said…
And who is this guy, Miss Diva? :) We so have to catch up.

Tiffany

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