Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from June, 2015

Trying

I am trying.

It is my goal to make it through this week with no tears.

There's no need for tears for people who don't want to be in relationships.

So...I need to stop crying over New Boo. I need to remember that he doesn't want to be with me. There's no extenuating circumstance that's keeping him from me. He has made his choice.

So now I have to make my choice to move on.

It's hard. I want to cry right now. But you know what? It's not worth it.

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am worthy of the love of someone who actually wants to love me and be loved by me.

Therefore I'm going to suck it up and keep it moving.

Or at least I'm trying.

Ghosting, Part 2

So, after I told you my feelings on ghosting, guess who did it to me?
New Boo.
Against my better judgement, I hit him up. Just to say hi. What did he do?
Nothing.
So...I guess this really IS over. In spite of all my good intentions.
Moving on...

My Thoughts on Marriage Equality

Gay marriage is the law of the land.
Okay.
I don't know how I should react to that.
On one hand, I am a Christian. The Bible's pretty clear on homosexuality and how God feels about it. That's not going to change. It also talks about fornication, adultery, lying, and a plethora of other sins that God hates.
On the other hand, I am a human. And guess what? I'm not perfect. I may not be gay, but I'm guilty of  quite a few of the other sins that God doesn't like.
And for the record, my feelings on homosexuality in general are this -- I don't think that your whole life should be defined by who you choose to sleep with. Also, if I'm not the chosen one, I really don't care about your bedroom behavior.
Now, my feelings on gay marriage...
It's the law of the land. I'm not required to participate in it. And guess what? If you do, I'm not going to love you any less.
Bottom line -- live and let live. And understand that if something is wrong, it'…

Ghosting...Or Another Immature Way to Break a Heart

So...I told you that my brother and my friend think I should ignore New Boo completely, right? Now there's actually a term for it -- ghosting. It's such a phenomenon lately that the New York Times did an article on it. Basically, you completely freeze another person out, in spite of their attempts to contact you.

I wish I could sit here and tell you I'd never done that. I have. In fact, I did it when I lived in New York the first time. There was a young guy I met while shopping with my brother. He was a nice enough guy -- a Southern boy -- but he was significantly younger than me. In fact, I had no idea he was flirting with me when we met. But we became friends, and I thought he was cool. Then came the fateful night he asked if he could spend the night at my house because his hot water was off. I'm like, "Sure, come over."

Southern Boy got there, and all was well except for one thing -- the only place available to sleep was my bed. So I let him sleep there be…

The Mornings...

It's always worse in the mornings.

Now that New Boo is out of the picture, there's something about coming home from my job in the morning that makes me so sad.

It happened again yesterday. I was really trying to be strong. After all, the day before was good. I made it through with absolutely no tears. And then I came home in the morning.

I'm not sure why, though. I always went to work with the understanding that New Boo would be gone when I got home. There a few random times when he'd go in later and be here when I got home, but they were few and far between.

Usually it starts on the bus ride from the train station. We didn't really take the bus together much, but the thoughts always start there. By the time I get to the stop where I used to have to get off for the Haunted House of Horrors, I'm getting sad. And when I get to my bus stop, I'm fighting. Then when I get off the elevator on my floor, I'm working hard not to become a spectacle in the hall.

A…

Making Moves...

It's interesting to me how this thing is working.

I decided on Wednesday not to contact New Boo. So what did I wake up to yesterday? A hello text.

I have to admit that it made me feel good to know that he was kinda concerned about me.

We chatted for a minute, and then -- as usual -- he let the conversation drop at a critical point.

Normally I would've pressed him. This time, I didn't. I can't say I didn't care, but I can say that it wasn't as stinging as it has been.

I guess I'm moving on...

I decided that it's imperative that I get this house in order. I want to redecorate. Make it look like a single woman lives here. I'm gonna get slipcovers for the couch and the ottoman, and I'm going to do something with the walls.

If you've followed me for any length of time, you KNOW that decorating isn't my strong suit. It's actually something I've never been able to do. But this time, it's important. I have to let people know that thi…

A Good Day!

Today was actually a good day. I made it through the day without crying. It was a first.

Today I realized -- yet again -- that I didn't do anything wrong. The only thing I'm guilty of is falling for a man. And that wasn't my fault because he did everything he could to make me.
Today I finally understood -- yet again -- that no matter how much I love this man, I can't love him enough to make him want a better life. I can't love him enough to make him love himself.
Today I decided that no matter how much I miss him, I can't make him miss me enough to want me and the life we had back. I also decided that I can celebrate the memories for the wonderful things they were. 
I'm trying. And soon I'll succeed in getting over New Boo. One step at a time.

Not Today...

I do realize that there will come a day when none of this will bother me. I will look back on this time as an unfortunate but necessary part of my life. I will grow and become a better woman because of the heartache I've endured at the hands of New Boo.

Today is not that day.

Trust me when I tell you I'm waiting for it. And waiting for it. Seriously waiting.

And lest I put all the blame on him, I have to take some for myself. Yes, he fed me a bunch of madness, but my love-starved mind and heart wanted to believe so bad that I did. That's not his fault. I should've known better. I didn't.

Now I'm trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I'm alone again, with no one to care for me. I made a decision today not to contact him again. I miss him, but it's clear that he doesn't miss me. And I'm not going to make a nuisance of myself just so I can feel some kinda way.

I realize that I'm pitiful. A blubbering mess over a man who couldn't care …

This House

This house.

It's the place we got to escape the Haunted House of Horrors. I thought we'd start building our life together. We were comfortable here, and I thought we'd be here together forever.

And then...the worst possible thing happened. It all fell apart.

Everything looks the same, but the love is gone. All of my hopes and dreams...the family we'd start...the love we'd share...it's all gone.

And I'm here. Alone. In this house.

Inmate #1970

I almost feel like I'm serving a prison sentence. My crime? Loving the wrong man.

Today I've been consumed with two thoughts. One -- how much he acted like he loved me. I told you about the night he slept on the floor of my rented room just to be with me. Every time I think about how dedicated he seemed then...and how indifferent he is now, I can't help but cry. What in the world makes a person do that?

The other thought is what a liar he is. The night I met him, I asked him how old he was, and he told me he was 37. Later I found out that he was 41. And he thought I was 29. (SN: I don't look that young, but I'm not that tall and people ALWAYS peg me as younger.)

At the time, I took it as flattery that he thought I was younger and he didn't want to be too old for me. In retrospect, I see it for what it really was -- a man who thought he was about to get over on a young girl.  Now I think he didn't ever want anything more than a good time with me.

Yet he led …

I Didn't Want to Know...

Every day I'm learning more and more about the politics of heartache. This is knowledge that I did not want.

I want to see him. I don't want to see him. Everything hurts and I'd much rather bury myself under my covers than do any other thing. But sadly, I don't have that luxury. So I try to go through the motions. I try not to cry every minute of the day. And I try to remember that he's going through something, too.

Of course, I wish I believed that he was hurting as much as I am. Because of the way it fell out, I find it hard to fathom that his heart is as sore as mine. I honestly don't think he ever gave his heart to me in the same way I gave mine. I think I just put too much of me in the situation, which is making it harder to extract myself,

Everyone says they know what I'm going through. I believe they do. But I don't want to know this. I want to live out the rest of my days in blissful ignorance. Alas...thanks to New Boo...I can't.

Belonging...

I wish that someone had a pill that would take away heartache. I'd probably become an addict right now.

My heart is just hurting right now. I realize that I want to belong to someone. I know that's not very pro-woman, but that's what I've always wanted. As I type this, I realize that it's what I've wanted all my life.

My mom, in her finite wisdom, gave me my father's name. Since she didn't marry him -- or allow me to have a relationship with him -- I've never lived in a home with people who shared my last name. While it doesn't seem like a big deal, it always put me a position to divorce myself from any family situation I was in.

Fast forward to now. I want to get married and take my husband's last name. To be clear, I probably wouldn't use it professionally. But as far as the household was concerned, I want us all to be on one accord.

One of the many things that New Boo told me was that it was going to be me and him. He also said that h…

Taking a Stand...

I'm taking a stand.
Today, New Boo wants to come by and get his clothes. He said he was coming this afternoon, but when I asked him about it, he said he wanted to come later. When I asked him why, he said he was suffering from a hangover.
To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. His drinking -- among other things -- has contributed to the foolishness that has left him lost. Oh...and now I know that he was drunk when he said that mess.
I'm tired. And I realize that he doesn't really care about getting better or making moves toward being with me again. He just wants to do what he wants to do...and I can't allow myself to get sucked in again.
I love him. That's not going to change anytime soon.
But I love me, too. I can't knowingly subject myself to pain and heartache if I don't have to.
So I told him that yes, he can get some clothes. But spending the night is out because it does nothing but confuse me and my heart. And since he's letting me …

Lost???

He says he's lost.

Against my better judgement, I hit him up to say, "Happy Father's Day."

It took him a minute, but he hit me back and we had a conversation. My bad.

After telling me that he needed to come here and get some clothes, I asked if he was good. He said that he guessed. When I asked what that meant, he said, "I'm completely lost."

I asked, "Why do you feel that way? Isn't this what you wanted?"

He responded, "I don't know."

Note to self -- if you haven't completely thought out what you want, don't do anything to jeopardize what you currently have. The way I see it, it was cute to act a fool when you knew I was here for you. Now you know that I have absolutely no problem looking out for myself -- without you -- and you don't know how to take it.

Of course, his feelings could have absolutely nothing to do with me. Believe me, he's got enough to be lost about without including me in the mix. But you k…

The New Normal

As much as I hate to admit, there's probably nothing left between New Boo and me. Maybe I should say that he has nothing left for me.

I remember when I broke up with Mr. Wonderful, I had gone through the process of separating my emotions from him long before I left him. And as much as I hate it, I think New Boo did the same thing with me.

While I'm over here dying two or three deaths because I haven't heard from him, he doesn't seem to have a care in the world. He's going on about his business, not missing ME -- just my benefits. And that I can't deal with.

It's a hard reality, but I'm guessing it's the new normal.

I have to learn to govern myself accordingly. Ugh!

Clarity

I finally figured out what I was feeling.

The last time we talked, I had made tacos and was having a problem with missing New Boo. After I wrote that, he apparently had a problem missing me, too. Long story short, he came over and spent the night. Not a good look, but hey...things happen.

I was so confused after that. On one hand, I was glad to be missed. On the other hand, it wasn't our relationship he missed -- it was the relations. And as much as I miss that, it left me confused. I couldn't understand why I felt so bad about it...and then I got my period.

Sidebar -- I'm convinced that my mind goes through foolishness before my cycle. And when it finally comes, everything comes back into focus.

As much as I thought I wanted to have a tie to New Boo, that's not the one I want. If we can't have a full-fledged relationship, I refuse to have a "friends with benefits" situation with him. That's what he wants. If I give in, this heartbreak would be in vai…

Why Tacos Made Me Cry

I made tacos today.

Yes, I'm from Texas. Yes, I think tacos are food from the gods. And I make mine homemade.

I made tacos today.

It's not hard to make them, and they're pretty much guaranteed to be good as long as you season them well.

I made tacos today.

This is one of my favorites. It's one of New Boo's favorites, too. When I used to make them for us, we'd pull out the fancy bowls and make a meal of taco meat, homemade salsa, sour cream, and tortilla chips.

I made tacos today.

As much as I want to call him up and tell him this, I can't. We're not officially together, and I refuse to be the only one who reaches out. If he wants to talk to me...or he misses me as much as I miss him...surely he'll hit me up. And maybe...if the planets align and his conversation is right, I just might tell him...

I made tacos today.

The Return of New Boo...and the Aftermath

Okay...I now see the dangers of having a secret blog is that no one reads it quickly enough to do what I ask. All I asked y'all to do was pray for me. Since none of you CLEARLY did that, New Boo's visit left me more confused than anything.

First of all, the things we established:

We still love each other.We hate that we ended up like this.We don't want to lose each other.
Things he established:

He's got to get himself together financially and emotionally.As much as he loves me, he knows he's in no position to give me what I deserve.His behavior was hurtful and he apologized.
Thing I'm confused about:

The state of our relationship.
He told me that he still wants to be with me, but he can't do it now. I'm like, "Well, what do you want me to do about that? In other words, what should I do if someone approaches me?" He said that I should go out with my friends and let the guys buy me drinks, and call him at the end of the night because "you know…

Is This Really Happening?

How does one wrap her head around something that really wasn't supposed to be? That's how I'm feeling this morning.

New Boo is supposed to come and pick up his stuff. I packed it up so I could get it out of my way.

He said he still wants to be friends. I don't think it's possible. Especially not after all of his unfriendly behavior. But my battered and wounded heart would love to have at least one tie to him. I'm trying to convince myself that I don't.

We're not together. It's not right and I hate it.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be possible for us to start over. I don't trust him, and I see how it can end up.

Why couldn't he just love me like he said he did? Why did it all have to become a lie?

One of my friends suggested that I use liquor to deal with this thing. I'm afraid that if I start drinking to numb the pain, I'll never stop. It hurts that bad.

I don't know what exactly I want to happen today, but I hope I can make it …

Struggling

If I say I'm not struggling, I'm not telling the truth. This is hard. MUCH harder than I anticipated.

I packed up his things. I did it because I need to know that when he comes here tomorrow, he'll be able to get everything out in one fell swoop.

I miss him. Everywhere I go reminds me of us, and that is the hardest thing I've ever faced. People loving each other are all around, and I'm all by myself. Again. And try as I might, it's hard to face it again...this cold, lonely city.

I don't want to keep crying. I really don't. But my heart is so battered right now. And I think the thing that bugs me most is that in spite of the lies, the character assassination, and the disregard of me, I want him with me. I miss him that much. And I hate myself for it.

I know he's not worth my tears or my pain. And yet I sit here and cry and wish we were together and things were lovely.

There's really not too much he could say that would make me believe he wants to…

Until it Wasn't...

I am trying my best not to be sad about the demise of what I thought was the best relationship of my life. The sad part to me is that this situation that was clearly based on a lie was the best thing to ever happen to me. That is, until it wasn't.

I don't know how I'm supposed to go on from this. I know I will go on from this, but I really don't know how to do it. I'm sitting here at home on a Friday night, and I don't know what to do with myself. Do I have something to do? Of course. I have laundry to fold, a bed to make, and a house to clean. Yet, all I can do is sit here and review what could've gone wrong.

I know that I did everything in my power to be the best girlfriend I could possibly be. I did everything I thought I should. Gave everything I had. And yet again...I'm alone.

Inasmuch as I know that it's not my fault, I can't help but wonder how awful am I. What's so horrid about me that no one wants to treat me well? Am I that ugly? D…

A Note from My Future Self to Me Now

People will take your kindness for weakness. Be kind anyway.
People will take your love for granted. Love anyway.
People will take your openness for naivety. Be open anyway.
The people who would take advantage of your soul for their own selfish gain will pay the ultimate price on every hand.

As for you, dear one, don't let one fool change your heart.
Yes, you are hurt now, but I promise you that it'll pass.
And when the man who deserves you finds you, he'll get the prize that the others couldn't handle.

Mourning Doesn't Have a Timeframe...

Okay...so I'm finding out the hard way that the grief over losing this relationship is going to be as hard as mourning for Granny. Why? Because the tears hit at the oddest times.

After yesterday's revelations about what New Boo was saying, I thought I'd be good. I thought that when his name came up in mind, I'd be able to slap it down with phrases like, "He's a liar," or "I'm better off without him." But this morning, as I was coming home from work, I thought about his smile.

One thing about New Boo, he wasn't the happiest guy I'd ever known. So when he smiled, his face lit up and all was right in the world -- as far as I was concerned. But now, knowing what I know, I see that same smile as mocking. And it came to me while I was riding the bus. I thought about how happy he must be now that he doesn't have to be bothered with me, and it made me cry all over again.

I don't want to cry over him. I honestly don't think he'…

The Aftermath...Or Finding Out Just How Ass-tastic an Ex Can Be

As I told you, New Boo and I are officially over. I was so hurt about it at first because I was disappointed. I cried like a crazy woman over what I thought I had lost. And then the sun came up, and I realized that the relationship I thought I was in wasn't the one that was actually going on.

I found this out courtesy of one of his friends. As I told you, I met New Boo at my homegirl's birthday party because they used to work together. Well, it seems that they all keep in pretty close touch. So New Boo was at work yesterday, and because my friend told his homeboy what was going on, the homie asked him about it. Guess what he told him? "Oh...you know these chicks can't handle the truth. She was the one who pressed for the relationship, and when I told her I didn't want it, she got mad."

Now...to review...that wasn't the case at all. In fact, when I met him, I honestly just intended to kick it with him. It was HIM who brought up the relationship situation. …

August 25, 2014 -- June 9, 2015

It is done.

New Boo & I didn't make a year, but our relationship is officially over. And please know, I fought for it until the very end.

With all that I knew about what kind of person he was and what our situation was, I still needed him to be a man and say, "I don't want this, I don't love you, etc." (Call me crazy, but I need to have the truth straight, no chaser.)

I said to him, "What exactly are we doing here? Because what's going on here -- the silences, the inconsideration, the uncertainty -- is not working for me. I need to understand exactly what it is you want so I can govern myself accordingly."

He hemmed and hawed. "I don't know."

Me: "Yes, you do. It's really simple. Either you want a relationship or you don't."

Him: "I don't want to lose you."

Me: "Oh, you'll lose me. You can't have it both ways. Either you're all the way in or you're all the way out. And if you'…

"Not Everyone Will Love You..."

Granny said it best. "Not everyone will love you."

She told me that one day at the washateria -- or laundry mat, if you're not from Texas. It was in the 70s and we were there to wash clothes. There was another little girl there, and I wanted to play with her. She was being extremely unfriendly and off-putting, but I didn't realize it because I was so focused on my mission to play. Finally, Granny had enough and pulled me away, saying, "Leave that girl alone." I looked up and said, "I just wanted to play with her." And that's when she imparted that wisdom to me.

Oh, how I wish I had listened to her then.

As I've reflected on this situation with New Boo, I realize that for the past month and a half, I've been trying to engage him in a situation he's clearly not a part of. And while I've been focused on my mission of being loved, he's been equally focused on HIS mission of not loving me. And it wasn't until this very momen…

I'm NOT a Dress!

Love is not something you try on for size, like a dress you're considering. When you make the decision to love -- and it IS a decision -- you should make it in an honest and open manner, not only taking yourself into consideration, but also the person who's going to be the object of your affection. At the point you decide to love, you should also know that it comes with a responsibility to the person. You've placed yourself in a position to be responsible for them, their well-being, and the things that they care about -- whether they matter to you or not.

At least that what it should be. That's what I thought it was and what I signed on for when I decided to commit my heart to New Boo. Unfortunately, that's not what he wanted to do.

He told me that he got into this relationship with me so he could "try a new thing." Basically, none of his other relationships had worked, so since he knew I was "different," he thought he could be different with me…
I hate liars. I don't care what goes on with you, just tell the truth. The truth I can deal with. Lies? Not so much.

I want to believe New Boo. I really do. But at this point, my trust is completely gone, and he's not even attempting to regain it. Even though he's been bringing his body home, his heart is clearly somewhere else. He's not even good enough to hide it at this point.

Last night -- the day before his day off -- he says his sister needs him to babysit. Normally, I'd be excited about this because I think he needs to spend time with his family. But I think it's interesting that this sister just became a factor in his life during our drama. Also, it's just too convenient that she needed him to spend the night on a Saturday.

I don't like being this suspicious of someone. It's labor-intensive and hard on my heart. In addition, I don't want to do it. I want to just believe that someone is telling me the truth. But it's too much for me r…

The End...in Slow Motion

There's nothing uglier than watching someone you love NOT love you. What's worse is if they want to, but can't find it within themselves to do so. That's what I'm experiencing with New Boo these days.

After all we've been though the past month, it's been hard. I want it to work. He says he does, but I know it's a lie. At the end of the day, it's all about keeping a roof over his head for him. He doesn't have anywhere to go if I ask him to leave. What's worse, he can't afford to live alone. And he feels trapped. So he's been trying to make it work. And it's not working for him.

These past two days have been especially challenging for him. Last night, I busted him for changing his Facebook page -- and dropping me from it. He wasn't prepared for that at all. And my thing is this -- as much as I love him, I cannot deal with a liar and someone who doesn't want to be my friend. And that's exactly what that action proved. So…