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The Mornings...

It's always worse in the mornings.

Now that New Boo is out of the picture, there's something about coming home from my job in the morning that makes me so sad.

It happened again yesterday. I was really trying to be strong. After all, the day before was good. I made it through with absolutely no tears. And then I came home in the morning.

I'm not sure why, though. I always went to work with the understanding that New Boo would be gone when I got home. There a few random times when he'd go in later and be here when I got home, but they were few and far between.

Usually it starts on the bus ride from the train station. We didn't really take the bus together much, but the thoughts always start there. By the time I get to the stop where I used to have to get off for the Haunted House of Horrors, I'm getting sad. And when I get to my bus stop, I'm fighting. Then when I get off the elevator on my floor, I'm working hard not to become a spectacle in the hall.

And I have the added pressure/pleasure of knowing that on this day last year, New Boo and I were together for the first time. Because I was optimistic, I marked it in my calendar. When the reminder came up, I almost died on the spot because honestly, I had forgotten about it.

I heard from him today -- after I had not contacted him. (SN: my brother and my good friend both think I should ignore him when he reaches out. Sadly, I just don't have the strength,) He told me he missed Taco Tuesdays. I told him I miss our life together, and added that I'm trying not to but it's hard. He said it's hard for him, too. I was like, "I thought you were doing what you wanted to do." And he's like, "That's how I feel." I asked him what did he want to do about it. He told me he was trying to figure it out.

On one hand, I'm glad he's thinking about it and us. On the other hand, I don't want to get my hopes up because I can't stay on this merry-go-round of pain with him. At some point, I have to be the grownup and get off. But right now I can't. Ugh!

It's always worse in the mornings...

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…