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Is This Really Happening?

How does one wrap her head around something that really wasn't supposed to be? That's how I'm feeling this morning.

New Boo is supposed to come and pick up his stuff. I packed it up so I could get it out of my way.

He said he still wants to be friends. I don't think it's possible. Especially not after all of his unfriendly behavior. But my battered and wounded heart would love to have at least one tie to him. I'm trying to convince myself that I don't.

We're not together. It's not right and I hate it.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be possible for us to start over. I don't trust him, and I see how it can end up.

Why couldn't he just love me like he said he did? Why did it all have to become a lie?

One of my friends suggested that I use liquor to deal with this thing. I'm afraid that if I start drinking to numb the pain, I'll never stop. It hurts that bad.

I don't know what exactly I want to happen today, but I hope I can make it through without a) crying, b) screaming, and c) dissolving into nothingness. It's going to be hard. I'm not gonna lie.

Pray for me...


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Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.