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I'm NOT a Dress!

Love is not something you try on for size, like a dress you're considering. When you make the decision to love -- and it IS a decision -- you should make it in an honest and open manner, not only taking yourself into consideration, but also the person who's going to be the object of your affection. At the point you decide to love, you should also know that it comes with a responsibility to the person. You've placed yourself in a position to be responsible for them, their well-being, and the things that they care about -- whether they matter to you or not.

At least that what it should be. That's what I thought it was and what I signed on for when I decided to commit my heart to New Boo. Unfortunately, that's not what he wanted to do.

He told me that he got into this relationship with me so he could "try a new thing." Basically, none of his other relationships had worked, so since he knew I was "different," he thought he could be different with me. When he realized he couldn't live up to the expectations that he'd set in place with me, he wanted out. That's when all of the foolishness came up. Now when this was going on in his head, he didn't bother to share it with me. Oh no...that would've been too much like right. So he let me go on thinking that there was love to be had when in actuality, it was all gone because HE had tried it on and it didn't fit.

Now here I am, trying to put my heart and my life back together again. As it stands, every time my heart sees him, it skips a beat. And while I know he's not where he was before, I still am because I made a commitment to him and this relationship.

What am I supposed to do now?

Honestly, I wish we'd never gotten together. I wish I'd never allowed my heart to believe him. I wish I'd been harder with him. Instead, he caught me at a point where I wanted to be loved and he seemed like the perfect candidate. Now I know, I was just one of many situations he "tried on." Ugh...

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Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

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