Skip to main content

I'm NOT a Dress!

Love is not something you try on for size, like a dress you're considering. When you make the decision to love -- and it IS a decision -- you should make it in an honest and open manner, not only taking yourself into consideration, but also the person who's going to be the object of your affection. At the point you decide to love, you should also know that it comes with a responsibility to the person. You've placed yourself in a position to be responsible for them, their well-being, and the things that they care about -- whether they matter to you or not.

At least that what it should be. That's what I thought it was and what I signed on for when I decided to commit my heart to New Boo. Unfortunately, that's not what he wanted to do.

He told me that he got into this relationship with me so he could "try a new thing." Basically, none of his other relationships had worked, so since he knew I was "different," he thought he could be different with me. When he realized he couldn't live up to the expectations that he'd set in place with me, he wanted out. That's when all of the foolishness came up. Now when this was going on in his head, he didn't bother to share it with me. Oh no...that would've been too much like right. So he let me go on thinking that there was love to be had when in actuality, it was all gone because HE had tried it on and it didn't fit.

Now here I am, trying to put my heart and my life back together again. As it stands, every time my heart sees him, it skips a beat. And while I know he's not where he was before, I still am because I made a commitment to him and this relationship.

What am I supposed to do now?

Honestly, I wish we'd never gotten together. I wish I'd never allowed my heart to believe him. I wish I'd been harder with him. Instead, he caught me at a point where I wanted to be loved and he seemed like the perfect candidate. Now I know, I was just one of many situations he "tried on." Ugh...

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

On Barack, the Nomination, and Black Love

I'm so excited about Barack Obama! I know I'm just joining the teeming millions when I say that, but I think something this big is worth repeating. Never before in the history of our country has a Black man been in a position to lead the free world, and it feels good. I'm so glad that I've lived long enough to see this day.

Beside the fact that Barack is a great candidate for the Democratic party, I'm moved by his relationship with Michelle. Not since The Cosby Show have we seen a successful Black couple who have a genuine and sincere love and respect for one another. What makes their relationship so special is that it's real -- not the product of someone's imagination.

I obviously don't know Michelle Obama, but I want to grow up to be just like her. I love the fact that she doesn't NEED Barack. She's strong, smart, and successful in her own right, yet secure enough to fall back and be supportive of her man. That's something that all y…

In My Feelings...Again

There are times when I think I should change the name of this blog. Today I do NOT feel like a diva. I feel like a pitiful mess of a woman who's completely in my feelings.

I hate it when I get here.

I was minding my business last night when Juice hit me up. (Remind me to tell you about him later.) He wanted to hang out because we'd actually said we would. But he's he's only after one thing and I wasn't inspired enough to venture out to deal with him, so I told him I was in for the evening.

At the same time, New Boo asked me if I'd done my hair.

Let's be clear. My hair in and of itself isn't necessarily that big a deal. However, him asking me about it could indicate that I was on his mind and that he cared about me in more than a horizontal way. That would be awesome...but I know it's not true. Even though I engaged in conversation with him -- because that's what I do -- it was painful.

I am lonely. I want to be with someone who cares about me. I…

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.