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Not Today...

I do realize that there will come a day when none of this will bother me. I will look back on this time as an unfortunate but necessary part of my life. I will grow and become a better woman because of the heartache I've endured at the hands of New Boo.

Today is not that day.

Trust me when I tell you I'm waiting for it. And waiting for it. Seriously waiting.

And lest I put all the blame on him, I have to take some for myself. Yes, he fed me a bunch of madness, but my love-starved mind and heart wanted to believe so bad that I did. That's not his fault. I should've known better. I didn't.

Now I'm trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I'm alone again, with no one to care for me. I made a decision today not to contact him again. I miss him, but it's clear that he doesn't miss me. And I'm not going to make a nuisance of myself just so I can feel some kinda way.

I realize that I'm pitiful. A blubbering mess over a man who couldn't care less. That makes me even sadder than I already am. It would be different if he cared. It would be different if it mattered to him that I was hurting. Or if my absence in his life meant something to him. His actions -- which pushed me away in the first place -- say it doesn't.

One of my friends told me to be kind to myself. She said that whatever I'm feeling is okay. It's hard, though. I see him for all he is and isn't. I should be able to just let it go and be okay with it. But I can't because it hurts so freakin' bad.

I honestly cannot wait for the bright spots in this thing. For the smiles that have to eventually come back to me.

But today is not that day.


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The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…