I do realize that there will come a day when none of this will bother me. I will look back on this time as an unfortunate but necessary part of my life. I will grow and become a better woman because of the heartache I've endured at the hands of New Boo.
Today is not that day.
Trust me when I tell you I'm waiting for it. And waiting for it. Seriously waiting.
And lest I put all the blame on him, I have to take some for myself. Yes, he fed me a bunch of madness, but my love-starved mind and heart wanted to believe so bad that I did. That's not his fault. I should've known better. I didn't.
Now I'm trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I'm alone again, with no one to care for me. I made a decision today not to contact him again. I miss him, but it's clear that he doesn't miss me. And I'm not going to make a nuisance of myself just so I can feel some kinda way.
I realize that I'm pitiful. A blubbering mess over a man who couldn't care less. That makes me even sadder than I already am. It would be different if he cared. It would be different if it mattered to him that I was hurting. Or if my absence in his life meant something to him. His actions -- which pushed me away in the first place -- say it doesn't.
One of my friends told me to be kind to myself. She said that whatever I'm feeling is okay. It's hard, though. I see him for all he is and isn't. I should be able to just let it go and be okay with it. But I can't because it hurts so freakin' bad.
I honestly cannot wait for the bright spots in this thing. For the smiles that have to eventually come back to me.
But today is not that day.
Today is not that day.
Trust me when I tell you I'm waiting for it. And waiting for it. Seriously waiting.
And lest I put all the blame on him, I have to take some for myself. Yes, he fed me a bunch of madness, but my love-starved mind and heart wanted to believe so bad that I did. That's not his fault. I should've known better. I didn't.
Now I'm trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I'm alone again, with no one to care for me. I made a decision today not to contact him again. I miss him, but it's clear that he doesn't miss me. And I'm not going to make a nuisance of myself just so I can feel some kinda way.
I realize that I'm pitiful. A blubbering mess over a man who couldn't care less. That makes me even sadder than I already am. It would be different if he cared. It would be different if it mattered to him that I was hurting. Or if my absence in his life meant something to him. His actions -- which pushed me away in the first place -- say it doesn't.
One of my friends told me to be kind to myself. She said that whatever I'm feeling is okay. It's hard, though. I see him for all he is and isn't. I should be able to just let it go and be okay with it. But I can't because it hurts so freakin' bad.
I honestly cannot wait for the bright spots in this thing. For the smiles that have to eventually come back to me.
But today is not that day.
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