Skip to main content

Not Today...

I do realize that there will come a day when none of this will bother me. I will look back on this time as an unfortunate but necessary part of my life. I will grow and become a better woman because of the heartache I've endured at the hands of New Boo.

Today is not that day.

Trust me when I tell you I'm waiting for it. And waiting for it. Seriously waiting.

And lest I put all the blame on him, I have to take some for myself. Yes, he fed me a bunch of madness, but my love-starved mind and heart wanted to believe so bad that I did. That's not his fault. I should've known better. I didn't.

Now I'm trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I'm alone again, with no one to care for me. I made a decision today not to contact him again. I miss him, but it's clear that he doesn't miss me. And I'm not going to make a nuisance of myself just so I can feel some kinda way.

I realize that I'm pitiful. A blubbering mess over a man who couldn't care less. That makes me even sadder than I already am. It would be different if he cared. It would be different if it mattered to him that I was hurting. Or if my absence in his life meant something to him. His actions -- which pushed me away in the first place -- say it doesn't.

One of my friends told me to be kind to myself. She said that whatever I'm feeling is okay. It's hard, though. I see him for all he is and isn't. I should be able to just let it go and be okay with it. But I can't because it hurts so freakin' bad.

I honestly cannot wait for the bright spots in this thing. For the smiles that have to eventually come back to me.

But today is not that day.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A New Possibility?

If you've been reading EFTDOAD for any length of time, you've probably noticed that I haven't really talked about a man. By that, I mean a man of my own. What's really sad is that there hasn't been a man in my life for the entire time I've been writing this blog. I hate that. However, things may be looking up for me. One of my good friends hosts a forum in Los Angeles called " Battle of the Sexes ." This monthly event consists of guys and girls submitting questions anonymously to the moderators, with the answers being discussed in an open forum. It can get quite rowdy, and the discussions are always enlightening. For most of us, it's the first time we've really heard what members of the opposite sex think. I've been attending these Battles for a few months now. Even though I'm not a fan of mindless rhetoric, it's cool to be around some single people who can think and put together coherent sentences. The last couple of times I'v
There's always that one. The one person you'd change your entire life for if they asked you to. Whether it's the first man you ever loved, the first guy who saw you naked, or the first man to bring you flowers, if he said, "Marry me, and travel with me around the world," you'd quit your job and hop on the first thing smoking. Alas, I haven't met him yet. Actually...that's not true. I have met him. But he doesn't want me. So rather than admit that the one guy I'd leave it all for wouldn't be caught dead with me, I say we don't know each other. I read an article this week that I found to be very informative. It was talking about how men will use any woman who allows herself to be used. And while I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I don't want that kind of life, I recognized myself in all those women. I've been there. And there are times (like today) when it would be nice to have someone around...even if they're

Long-Distance Sucks

I hate long-distance relationships. Absolutely despise them. So, you ask, why am I currently in one? The short answer is, “I don’t know.” The real answer is, “I don’t know anyone locally that gets me.” Tinderfella is in New York. I am in Texas. Maybe I shouldn’t have let it get this far. Maybe I should’ve nipped it in the bud. But I didn’t. Now I find myself strung out over a man I won’t get to touch until September — IF I’m lucky. With my cycle and every other factor that could exert itself over my situation, I don’t know if we’ll get to see each other then. I don’t like this. I want to kick it with him after work. Maybe hook up and see a movie. Or not. We could cuddle on the couch or discuss the day’s events or just breathe each other’s air. I wanna watch his face light up when he sees me or frown when he gets mad. I want to learn his facial expressions and body language well enough to read joy, peace, anger, and hatred on him. Basically, I want to be with him in a real and meaningfu