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I wish that someone had a pill that would take away heartache. I'd probably become an addict right now.

My heart is just hurting right now. I realize that I want to belong to someone. I know that's not very pro-woman, but that's what I've always wanted. As I type this, I realize that it's what I've wanted all my life.

My mom, in her finite wisdom, gave me my father's name. Since she didn't marry him -- or allow me to have a relationship with him -- I've never lived in a home with people who shared my last name. While it doesn't seem like a big deal, it always put me a position to divorce myself from any family situation I was in.

Fast forward to now. I want to get married and take my husband's last name. To be clear, I probably wouldn't use it professionally. But as far as the household was concerned, I want us all to be on one accord.

One of the many things that New Boo told me was that it was going to be me and him. He also said that he wanted me to be his family. I believed him -- and I loved him for it. It made me happy to know that no matter what was going on with everyone else, he was my person.

But guess what? We weren't married. And he was able to divorce himself from our situation. The man who said he wanted it to be me and him flipped the script. He decided that it was every man -- or woman -- for him or herself.

Now I'm back to square one. And it hurts. And guess what? I can't go to him with this pain. And I want to. But what's the point?

Where is that pill??? I need it...


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Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.


So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.