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Mourning Doesn't Have a Timeframe... I'm finding out the hard way that the grief over losing this relationship is going to be as hard as mourning for Granny. Why? Because the tears hit at the oddest times.

After yesterday's revelations about what New Boo was saying, I thought I'd be good. I thought that when his name came up in mind, I'd be able to slap it down with phrases like, "He's a liar," or "I'm better off without him." But this morning, as I was coming home from work, I thought about his smile.

One thing about New Boo, he wasn't the happiest guy I'd ever known. So when he smiled, his face lit up and all was right in the world -- as far as I was concerned. But now, knowing what I know, I see that same smile as mocking. And it came to me while I was riding the bus. I thought about how happy he must be now that he doesn't have to be bothered with me, and it made me cry all over again.

I don't want to cry over him. I honestly don't think he's worth my tears. And yet, as I type this, my face is wet with all my hopes and desires and I can't help myself. My heart is so sore and I don't know what to do.

Of course, my plan was to pack up his stuff to expedite his exit from my life. If I can, I will. If not...I'll just cry. Ugh.


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Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.


So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.