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I Didn't Want to Know...

Every day I'm learning more and more about the politics of heartache. This is knowledge that I did not want.

I want to see him. I don't want to see him. Everything hurts and I'd much rather bury myself under my covers than do any other thing. But sadly, I don't have that luxury. So I try to go through the motions. I try not to cry every minute of the day. And I try to remember that he's going through something, too.

Of course, I wish I believed that he was hurting as much as I am. Because of the way it fell out, I find it hard to fathom that his heart is as sore as mine. I honestly don't think he ever gave his heart to me in the same way I gave mine. I think I just put too much of me in the situation, which is making it harder to extract myself,

Everyone says they know what I'm going through. I believe they do. But I don't want to know this. I want to live out the rest of my days in blissful ignorance. Alas...thanks to New Boo...I can't.

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I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.