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The Return of New Boo...and the Aftermath

Okay...I now see the dangers of having a secret blog is that no one reads it quickly enough to do what I ask. All I asked y'all to do was pray for me. Since none of you CLEARLY did that, New Boo's visit left me more confused than anything.

First of all, the things we established:

  • We still love each other.
  • We hate that we ended up like this.
  • We don't want to lose each other.

Things he established:

  • He's got to get himself together financially and emotionally.
  • As much as he loves me, he knows he's in no position to give me what I deserve.
  • His behavior was hurtful and he apologized.

Thing I'm confused about:

  • The state of our relationship.

He told me that he still wants to be with me, but he can't do it now. I'm like, "Well, what do you want me to do about that? In other words, what should I do if someone approaches me?" He said that I should go out with my friends and let the guys buy me drinks, and call him at the end of the night because "you know what you're getting here."

The bad part? I do...and I let him remind me when he was here. ***WHEW***

Here's the real killer -- I really don't want anyone else. I don't want to date anymore. I still want him to be the last one. But I don't think I should wait forever for him to get his life right.

So as I stated before -- y'all failed me because I'm just as twisted as I was before he got here.


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Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.


So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.