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The Return of New Boo...and the Aftermath

Okay...I now see the dangers of having a secret blog is that no one reads it quickly enough to do what I ask. All I asked y'all to do was pray for me. Since none of you CLEARLY did that, New Boo's visit left me more confused than anything.

First of all, the things we established:

  • We still love each other.
  • We hate that we ended up like this.
  • We don't want to lose each other.

Things he established:

  • He's got to get himself together financially and emotionally.
  • As much as he loves me, he knows he's in no position to give me what I deserve.
  • His behavior was hurtful and he apologized.

Thing I'm confused about:

  • The state of our relationship.

He told me that he still wants to be with me, but he can't do it now. I'm like, "Well, what do you want me to do about that? In other words, what should I do if someone approaches me?" He said that I should go out with my friends and let the guys buy me drinks, and call him at the end of the night because "you know what you're getting here."

The bad part? I do...and I let him remind me when he was here. ***WHEW***

Here's the real killer -- I really don't want anyone else. I don't want to date anymore. I still want him to be the last one. But I don't think I should wait forever for him to get his life right.

So as I stated before -- y'all failed me because I'm just as twisted as I was before he got here.

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…