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Taking a Stand...

I'm taking a stand.

Today, New Boo wants to come by and get his clothes. He said he was coming this afternoon, but when I asked him about it, he said he wanted to come later. When I asked him why, he said he was suffering from a hangover.

To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. His drinking -- among other things -- has contributed to the foolishness that has left him lost. Oh...and now I know that he was drunk when he said that mess.

I'm tired. And I realize that he doesn't really care about getting better or making moves toward being with me again. He just wants to do what he wants to do...and I can't allow myself to get sucked in again.

I love him. That's not going to change anytime soon.

But I love me, too. I can't knowingly subject myself to pain and heartache if I don't have to.

So I told him that yes, he can get some clothes. But spending the night is out because it does nothing but confuse me and my heart. And since he's letting me know that improvement isn't on his mind, he's going to have to go back to wherever he's staying.

I'm trying to take a stand...

But I'm crying as I say it...

Let's just hope I really can stand my ground when and/or if he gets here.


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I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.