Skip to main content

August 25, 2014 -- June 9, 2015

It is done.

New Boo & I didn't make a year, but our relationship is officially over. And please know, I fought for it until the very end.

With all that I knew about what kind of person he was and what our situation was, I still needed him to be a man and say, "I don't want this, I don't love you, etc." (Call me crazy, but I need to have the truth straight, no chaser.)

I said to him, "What exactly are we doing here? Because what's going on here -- the silences, the inconsideration, the uncertainty -- is not working for me. I need to understand exactly what it is you want so I can govern myself accordingly."

He hemmed and hawed. "I don't know."

Me: "Yes, you do. It's really simple. Either you want a relationship or you don't."

Him: "I don't want to lose you."

Me: "Oh, you'll lose me. You can't have it both ways. Either you're all the way in or you're all the way out. And if you're out, it's only fair that you let me know because I deserve to be able to find happiness, too."

Him: More hemming and hawing: "Well, what do you want?'

Me: "Sir, I never changed what I wanted. All of this foolishness is courtesy of YOU. So YOU need to tell me what it is you really want. Just be honest and tell me if you don't want this."

Him: "I don't want to hurt you."

Me: "All of this hurts me. You've dragged my heart around for the last month and a half so hurting me has already happened. The least you could do is be fair to me."

This type of thing went on for another 10 minutes or so. At one point I told him that I'd been going through all the pictures I had of us, trying to see if I could pinpoint where things went wrong. He told me that none of that was fake -- it was all real at the time. He wanted to end the conversation so he could go to bed, saying, "We can talk about it tomorrow." I'm like, "Uh, no because I've got to work. You've got to work, and my heart will be in limbo one more day. You need to come clean."

He finally said it. "I like you. I like being with you. But I don't want to be in a committed relationship with you."

You know how people always say to be careful what you ask for? I admit I'm guilty. Even though I knew it in my heart, and his actions had been saying it longer than I can even recall, it hurt like hell to know that after all the blood, sweat, and tears I poured into this relationship, it was over.

I admit that I probably handled it badly. I cried and cried and tried to get him to engage in a fight with me. Finally, he said, "Forget it." And THAT was when I knew it was really a done deal. Here I am fighting for something that's clearly over. When he said that, I told him to get out because he couldn't stay here if he wasn't my man. I thought I could handle him staying through the night, but the more I thought about it, the madder I got. Finally, I told him he had to go right then because I didn't want him here anymore.

He packed a little bag with some of his stuff, and took off in the night. I asked him to leave the keys, but I don't think he did. Either way, he didn't spend a peaceful night up in here.

And neither did I. I called two of my friends and cried to them. Eventually I went to sleep and then I woke up to write this.

I know that I'll get past this. I know that the sun will shine again. I just don't know when.


Popular posts from this blog

On Barack, the Nomination, and Black Love

I'm so excited about Barack Obama! I know I'm just joining the teeming millions when I say that, but I think something this big is worth repeating. Never before in the history of our country has a Black man been in a position to lead the free world, and it feels good. I'm so glad that I've lived long enough to see this day.

Beside the fact that Barack is a great candidate for the Democratic party, I'm moved by his relationship with Michelle. Not since The Cosby Show have we seen a successful Black couple who have a genuine and sincere love and respect for one another. What makes their relationship so special is that it's real -- not the product of someone's imagination.

I obviously don't know Michelle Obama, but I want to grow up to be just like her. I love the fact that she doesn't NEED Barack. She's strong, smart, and successful in her own right, yet secure enough to fall back and be supportive of her man. That's something that all y…

In My Feelings...Again

There are times when I think I should change the name of this blog. Today I do NOT feel like a diva. I feel like a pitiful mess of a woman who's completely in my feelings.

I hate it when I get here.

I was minding my business last night when Juice hit me up. (Remind me to tell you about him later.) He wanted to hang out because we'd actually said we would. But he's he's only after one thing and I wasn't inspired enough to venture out to deal with him, so I told him I was in for the evening.

At the same time, New Boo asked me if I'd done my hair.

Let's be clear. My hair in and of itself isn't necessarily that big a deal. However, him asking me about it could indicate that I was on his mind and that he cared about me in more than a horizontal way. That would be awesome...but I know it's not true. Even though I engaged in conversation with him -- because that's what I do -- it was painful.

I am lonely. I want to be with someone who cares about me. I…

Yeah...About That...

I'm watching Scandal, and Mellie was talking about how lonely it is to be the president. She spoke about how men have a problem with regular powerful women, but being the leader of the free world comes with a chastity belt.
I get it.
I'm nowhere near the leader of the free world. I'm not even the leader of free lunch, but I get it. If men perceive you to have one more drop of power than they do, they can't handle it.
This is my life. At least it is when it comes to the men I've known.
It's not even like that for me.
I don't even have enough juice to get what I want at work.
But yet I'm seen as intimidating.