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August 25, 2014 -- June 9, 2015

It is done.

New Boo & I didn't make a year, but our relationship is officially over. And please know, I fought for it until the very end.

With all that I knew about what kind of person he was and what our situation was, I still needed him to be a man and say, "I don't want this, I don't love you, etc." (Call me crazy, but I need to have the truth straight, no chaser.)

I said to him, "What exactly are we doing here? Because what's going on here -- the silences, the inconsideration, the uncertainty -- is not working for me. I need to understand exactly what it is you want so I can govern myself accordingly."

He hemmed and hawed. "I don't know."

Me: "Yes, you do. It's really simple. Either you want a relationship or you don't."

Him: "I don't want to lose you."

Me: "Oh, you'll lose me. You can't have it both ways. Either you're all the way in or you're all the way out. And if you're out, it's only fair that you let me know because I deserve to be able to find happiness, too."

Him: More hemming and hawing: "Well, what do you want?'

Me: "Sir, I never changed what I wanted. All of this foolishness is courtesy of YOU. So YOU need to tell me what it is you really want. Just be honest and tell me if you don't want this."

Him: "I don't want to hurt you."

Me: "All of this hurts me. You've dragged my heart around for the last month and a half so hurting me has already happened. The least you could do is be fair to me."

This type of thing went on for another 10 minutes or so. At one point I told him that I'd been going through all the pictures I had of us, trying to see if I could pinpoint where things went wrong. He told me that none of that was fake -- it was all real at the time. He wanted to end the conversation so he could go to bed, saying, "We can talk about it tomorrow." I'm like, "Uh, no because I've got to work. You've got to work, and my heart will be in limbo one more day. You need to come clean."

He finally said it. "I like you. I like being with you. But I don't want to be in a committed relationship with you."

You know how people always say to be careful what you ask for? I admit I'm guilty. Even though I knew it in my heart, and his actions had been saying it longer than I can even recall, it hurt like hell to know that after all the blood, sweat, and tears I poured into this relationship, it was over.

I admit that I probably handled it badly. I cried and cried and tried to get him to engage in a fight with me. Finally, he said, "Forget it." And THAT was when I knew it was really a done deal. Here I am fighting for something that's clearly over. When he said that, I told him to get out because he couldn't stay here if he wasn't my man. I thought I could handle him staying through the night, but the more I thought about it, the madder I got. Finally, I told him he had to go right then because I didn't want him here anymore.

He packed a little bag with some of his stuff, and took off in the night. I asked him to leave the keys, but I don't think he did. Either way, he didn't spend a peaceful night up in here.

And neither did I. I called two of my friends and cried to them. Eventually I went to sleep and then I woke up to write this.

I know that I'll get past this. I know that the sun will shine again. I just don't know when.


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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…