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Showing posts from October, 2016

Ugh...Why?

Why don't hearts do what you want? You'd THINK my heart would be on board with someone who wants to love me. But no...my heart wants to revisit the past.

New Boo wants to see me. I want to see him. Ugh.

I have no business seeing him. I know that seeing him won't solve anything. I know that. And yet...

I want to see him SO bad. I know without a doubt that no good can come from it. I don't know if I'll be so disgusted that I start kicking him, or if I'll just dissolve into a puddle of tears. I don't know what would happen.

I've worked so hard to be whole. I don't know that it's worth it for me to risk becoming undone again.

Of course, none of this would be an issue if things were better between me and My Teddy Bear.

That fool doesn't realize just how close he is to being single. I am TIRED of being with a man who thinks sex is optional. I do NOT appreciate it.

I saw a blog today from a divorced guy who's sharing his story to keep other peo…

Trapped...

I feel like I'm trapped. That's the only way I can describe it.

As much as I know it to be pointless, I still think about New Boo. I still want to be with the person I fell for two years ago. I want him to be the man he made me believe he was. The man of my dreams. Even beyond the aesthetic and physical, he made me feel safe and care for. Even though I now know that it wasn't real, I felt like he guarded my heart.

Now I'm stuck in a situation with a man who would probably move heaven and earth for me -- as long as I don't ask him to. It's always got to be on his terms and in his time. My needs are pointless and irrelevant. He does things like get me a phone case because he knows I don't have one. He'll get my glasses fixed because he knows I'll forget. But when I ask him to make love to me, he says I'm nasty...or that there are other ways to be intimate. Basically, anything that keeps him from having to expend effort beyond what's been allot…

I Miss You...

It's been five years since you left us, and I still can't get over it. I almost forgot that you weren't here, but when I wanted to check on you, I realized it all over again. Today is your birthday. You would've been 46.

I still think of you. I want to get your opinion on all the things going on in my life. I want to update you on the latest moron who tried to get his mack on...or hear how things are going with you. Who  you've had to put in his or her place. What goofy thing you're tripping off this time.

I want to know what you think of this election. I'd love to hear your impression of Hillary or Donald...how they make you feel. Maybe you'd vote for a third party candidate. Or maybe you wouldn't vote at all and we'd fuss. I'd do my best to make my case for why it would be necessary for you to vote, and you'd blow me off with something like, It won't count anyway.

Wait...I know you wouldn't do that...but I digress...

The point …

Just Grab 'Em by the...You Know

When you've been sexually assaulted, you can't dismiss the degrading language used by the GOP nominee as "locker room talk." You just can't.

I can remember the first time I was touched without my permission. I was 12 years old. My best friend lived about 15 miles away from me, but her bus driver lived in my neighborhood. I came up with a great plan to hang out with her after school. Since hers was one of the first stops on the route, I would catch the bus with her, and play until the route was finished. The bus driver would pick me up, and we'd ride back to my house.

All was well until he decided he wanted to "teach me to drive." What it ended up being was a way for him to rub on my budding breasts. He's run his hand up my side until he got to my chest. The first time it happened, I was so confused. I didn't understand what was going on. I think I let it happen a couple more times -- to make sure I wasn't making it up in my head -- and t…

Broken?

I think I may have broken my relationship with My Teddy Bear. Even though I've been unsatisfied, I wasn't necessarily trying not to be with him. But he saw a side of me yesterday that disgusted him.
I don't know if I told you, but I moved last week. My homegirl's mother --who's in the nursing home -- has a three-bedroom apartment. Rather than continue to pay exorbitant rent apart, we decided to come together and move into her mother's house. Because of logistics, I moved in first. It probably wouldn't have been a problem, but the place has been sitting up unused for a while and certain "undesirable residents" have moved in. For the average person, that probably wouldn't be a problem. For me, however, it is. I am afraid of those types of residents and have been all my life.
We were here trying to get things together yesterday. I'm not sure what MTB wanted me to do, but I told him that this whole experience terrified me. He thought it had so…

Eureka!

It finally hit me what the problem is...

I'm afraid I'll never feel wanted again.

My Teddy Bear doesn't want me. I know it's not my fault. It's completely him and he's finally admitted it. With his testosterone being at an all-time low, sex is not on his agenda. I get that.

That's not my story. I want to have sex whenever I can. I want to feel another human next to me -- and not just when I'm asleep. I want to have a man touching my body in the way that men touch women. I want to put my lips in places that make a man's eyes roll back in his head. I need to feel like I hold the key to someone's pleasure.

That's what I thought New Boo and I had. I was in love (or lust, whatever) with him in three ways -- truly, madly, and deeply. It was so insane. I remember feeling like the sex couldn't get any better and then it did. Every time. It was so good that if he looked at me and lowered his eyes, I would get moist. There was a heat between us th…

Makes Me Wanna Holla...

I'm not sure what's going on with me, but I feel like screaming.

For some stupid reason -- and I call it stupid because it has absolutely no place in my life -- I am missing New Boo. He's proven himself to be an awful human being, and yet...there is still a shred of love for him left in my heart. I don't know why.

My Teddy Bear is doing what he does -- which is nothing. I'm not pleased with him, and it's not his fault. It's mine. I know this has a LOT to do with the lack of sex. Of course, I'm on week one of a six-week sabbatical from all things sexual so I can't do anything anyway. But I think I wouldn't be so antsy if we'd had sex in the six weeks prior to the procedure.

I hate it when my mind takes me through all kinds of pointless memories that don't mean anything. Thanks to all the lies New Boo told, our whole relationship exists on a plane that's completely meaningless to me. I don't know what was real and what wasn't, …

For the Love of an Alpha Male

Throughout this process of moving and recovering from last week's surgery, I finally realized what it is about My Teddy Bear that vexes me -- he's not an Alpha male.

My family is (mostly) women, but the men who are there -- my brother, my uncle, even my cousins -- are men. They walk in, assess a situation, and handle it accordingly. We women might have input, but ultimately, the men that are around run the situation. We may not like the way they run it -- and we might complain mightily -- but they run it.

MTB doesn't do that. He may walk in and assess a situation, but he won't take charge. He waits for me. If you know me, you KNOW that's never good. Don't get it twisted -- I'm a leader and if it's something I know and understand, I can and frequently do take charge. But I realized that I am subconsciously trained to let a man take the lead in other situations. My brand of feminism is about being strong enough to take a step back. No matter how long I li…