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Makes Me Wanna Holla...

I'm not sure what's going on with me, but I feel like screaming.

For some stupid reason -- and I call it stupid because it has absolutely no place in my life -- I am missing New Boo. He's proven himself to be an awful human being, and yet...there is still a shred of love for him left in my heart. I don't know why.

My Teddy Bear is doing what he does -- which is nothing. I'm not pleased with him, and it's not his fault. It's mine. I know this has a LOT to do with the lack of sex. Of course, I'm on week one of a six-week sabbatical from all things sexual so I can't do anything anyway. But I think I wouldn't be so antsy if we'd had sex in the six weeks prior to the procedure.

I hate it when my mind takes me through all kinds of pointless memories that don't mean anything. Thanks to all the lies New Boo told, our whole relationship exists on a plane that's completely meaningless to me. I don't know what was real and what wasn't, and it's not a good feeling. I remember feeling wanted by him, feeling loved. But it wasn't real. HE wasn't real. So I have these feelings that don't have anywhere to go.

If things were right between MTB and I, he'd be the recipient of all this emotion. I could give it to him when we made love, and we'd become more bonded together. But the way our situation is set up doesn't allow for all that.

So I carry these things in my heart, looking for a way out. Even though he doesn't deserve to be treated badly, I'm suffering on so many hands.

MTB hates it when I wear weaves. It's one of my favorite things in the world. Right now, my hair and I are not in agreement on how I should look so a weave is the best thing for me to do. MTB doesn't get that it's something I've done for years. Hell, I had one when he met me.

The way I see it, he's not sexing me. The LEAST he could do is not trip when I get my hair done. After all, I've got to have some sort of release. It's not like I'm cheating on him -- I'm making myself happy.

All this goes back to New Boo. These things -- no sex and weave-hatred -- make me miss the illusion he created for me. I hate this.

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I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

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My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.