Skip to main content

Ugh...Why?

Why don't hearts do what you want? You'd THINK my heart would be on board with someone who wants to love me. But no...my heart wants to revisit the past.

New Boo wants to see me. I want to see him. Ugh.

I have no business seeing him. I know that seeing him won't solve anything. I know that. And yet...

I want to see him SO bad. I know without a doubt that no good can come from it. I don't know if I'll be so disgusted that I start kicking him, or if I'll just dissolve into a puddle of tears. I don't know what would happen.

I've worked so hard to be whole. I don't know that it's worth it for me to risk becoming undone again.

Of course, none of this would be an issue if things were better between me and My Teddy Bear.

That fool doesn't realize just how close he is to being single. I am TIRED of being with a man who thinks sex is optional. I do NOT appreciate it.

I saw a blog today from a divorced guy who's sharing his story to keep other people from getting divorced. Almost everything he talks about applies to MTB. It was almost creepy how similar they are. Check it out here.

Right now...I'm just trying to figure out my life.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.