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Eureka!

It finally hit me what the problem is...

I'm afraid I'll never feel wanted again.

My Teddy Bear doesn't want me. I know it's not my fault. It's completely him and he's finally admitted it. With his testosterone being at an all-time low, sex is not on his agenda. I get that.

That's not my story. I want to have sex whenever I can. I want to feel another human next to me -- and not just when I'm asleep. I want to have a man touching my body in the way that men touch women. I want to put my lips in places that make a man's eyes roll back in his head. I need to feel like I hold the key to someone's pleasure.

That's what I thought New Boo and I had. I was in love (or lust, whatever) with him in three ways -- truly, madly, and deeply. It was so insane. I remember feeling like the sex couldn't get any better and then it did. Every time. It was so good that if he looked at me and lowered his eyes, I would get moist. There was a heat between us that I haven't been able to duplicate, and I miss that.

MTB is SO much more than sex. He really is. He's the man you want to keep. But if I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I want the heat, too. I need it.

Part of me thinks that maybe I've had all the heat I'm going to get in this lifetime. Maybe my past indiscretions have rendered me incapable of being really loved the way I thought New Boo loved me. Maybe the most I can hope for is My Teddy Bear and the memories -- no matter how false they might be.

That's what has me shook.

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Out of Time

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I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

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My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.