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Eureka!

It finally hit me what the problem is...

I'm afraid I'll never feel wanted again.

My Teddy Bear doesn't want me. I know it's not my fault. It's completely him and he's finally admitted it. With his testosterone being at an all-time low, sex is not on his agenda. I get that.

That's not my story. I want to have sex whenever I can. I want to feel another human next to me -- and not just when I'm asleep. I want to have a man touching my body in the way that men touch women. I want to put my lips in places that make a man's eyes roll back in his head. I need to feel like I hold the key to someone's pleasure.

That's what I thought New Boo and I had. I was in love (or lust, whatever) with him in three ways -- truly, madly, and deeply. It was so insane. I remember feeling like the sex couldn't get any better and then it did. Every time. It was so good that if he looked at me and lowered his eyes, I would get moist. There was a heat between us that I haven't been able to duplicate, and I miss that.

MTB is SO much more than sex. He really is. He's the man you want to keep. But if I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I want the heat, too. I need it.

Part of me thinks that maybe I've had all the heat I'm going to get in this lifetime. Maybe my past indiscretions have rendered me incapable of being really loved the way I thought New Boo loved me. Maybe the most I can hope for is My Teddy Bear and the memories -- no matter how false they might be.

That's what has me shook.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

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