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For the Love of an Alpha Male

Throughout this process of moving and recovering from last week's surgery, I finally realized what it is about My Teddy Bear that vexes me -- he's not an Alpha male.

My family is (mostly) women, but the men who are there -- my brother, my uncle, even my cousins -- are men. They walk in, assess a situation, and handle it accordingly. We women might have input, but ultimately, the men that are around run the situation. We may not like the way they run it -- and we might complain mightily -- but they run it.

MTB doesn't do that. He may walk in and assess a situation, but he won't take charge. He waits for me. If you know me, you KNOW that's never good. Don't get it twisted -- I'm a leader and if it's something I know and understand, I can and frequently do take charge. But I realized that I am subconsciously trained to let a man take the lead in other situations. My brand of feminism is about being strong enough to take a step back. No matter how long I live on the northern side of the Mason-Dixon line, I am a Southern woman through and through.

So my Southern sensibilities meeting his Northern "women can do the same things that men can do" attitude isn't working out that well. When it's just us doing what we do, it's fine. But when there are situations that need him to have a take-charge attitude, there's a problem.

New Boo was Spanish. The machismo he operated under was perfect for me. Granted, his was a little overboard for my taste, but I understood it and it made me feel safe. I never had any fear about anything with him because I knew he could protect me. He was able to do and fix anything, and that gave me comfort. He broke me in ways that I still haven't healed from, but I appreciated his way.

My mother wasn't impressed with MTB. In addition to his size and look, she didn't understand his lack of Alpha maleness. She said to me, "I know he wants to marry you, but..." as she shook her head.  It took me a minute to understand what she meant, but now I understand.

It is completely over between New Boo and I, and unless God Himself makes it happen, we will probably never cross paths again. I hate that, but I know it's for the best. I miss him, but I know it's for the best.

My Teddy Bear is a good man. I don't know just how good he'll ultimately be for me. At this point, I know we're still learning each other so I don't want to make any definitive statements. However, I know he's gonna have to step up for me.


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I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

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Some people drink. Some smoke. I like to have sex. It quiets the voices in my head that talk crazy to me. For those brief, shining moments, I get to be the best of me. I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. No matter how fat I am, in that moment I'm able to make someone else feel good. That makes me feel good. Also,  I know how to relate on that level, so everything that I perceive to be wrong with me goes out the window.

MTB doesn't know this. Even though I've always felt this way, I don't talk about it. Most of the guys I know actually want sex. They probably use it the way I do -- as a feel-good situation.

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The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…