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For the Love of an Alpha Male

Throughout this process of moving and recovering from last week's surgery, I finally realized what it is about My Teddy Bear that vexes me -- he's not an Alpha male.

My family is (mostly) women, but the men who are there -- my brother, my uncle, even my cousins -- are men. They walk in, assess a situation, and handle it accordingly. We women might have input, but ultimately, the men that are around run the situation. We may not like the way they run it -- and we might complain mightily -- but they run it.

MTB doesn't do that. He may walk in and assess a situation, but he won't take charge. He waits for me. If you know me, you KNOW that's never good. Don't get it twisted -- I'm a leader and if it's something I know and understand, I can and frequently do take charge. But I realized that I am subconsciously trained to let a man take the lead in other situations. My brand of feminism is about being strong enough to take a step back. No matter how long I live on the northern side of the Mason-Dixon line, I am a Southern woman through and through.

So my Southern sensibilities meeting his Northern "women can do the same things that men can do" attitude isn't working out that well. When it's just us doing what we do, it's fine. But when there are situations that need him to have a take-charge attitude, there's a problem.

New Boo was Spanish. The machismo he operated under was perfect for me. Granted, his was a little overboard for my taste, but I understood it and it made me feel safe. I never had any fear about anything with him because I knew he could protect me. He was able to do and fix anything, and that gave me comfort. He broke me in ways that I still haven't healed from, but I appreciated his way.

My mother wasn't impressed with MTB. In addition to his size and look, she didn't understand his lack of Alpha maleness. She said to me, "I know he wants to marry you, but..." as she shook her head.  It took me a minute to understand what she meant, but now I understand.

It is completely over between New Boo and I, and unless God Himself makes it happen, we will probably never cross paths again. I hate that, but I know it's for the best. I miss him, but I know it's for the best.

My Teddy Bear is a good man. I don't know just how good he'll ultimately be for me. At this point, I know we're still learning each other so I don't want to make any definitive statements. However, I know he's gonna have to step up for me.

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