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Broken?

I think I may have broken my relationship with My Teddy Bear. Even though I've been unsatisfied, I wasn't necessarily trying not to be with him. But he saw a side of me yesterday that disgusted him.

I don't know if I told you, but I moved last week. My homegirl's mother --who's in the nursing home -- has a three-bedroom apartment. Rather than continue to pay exorbitant rent apart, we decided to come together and move into her mother's house. Because of logistics, I moved in first. It probably wouldn't have been a problem, but the place has been sitting up unused for a while and certain "undesirable residents" have moved in. For the average person, that probably wouldn't be a problem. For me, however, it is. I am afraid of those types of residents and have been all my life.

We were here trying to get things together yesterday. I'm not sure what MTB wanted me to do, but I told him that this whole experience terrified me. He thought it had something to do with my mother's opinion of the place. That's when I freaked out and told him it wasn't my mother -- it was me and my fear of all non-human creatures. And to all this a monthly cycle that has made me feel disgusting, and I started to cry. The look on his face was one of utter disgust for my weakness.

I get it. In his world, weakness is the worst thing ever. He's the same man who wants me to "push through pain" and any other bothersome thing. I can't discuss things that bother or upset me because, in his eyes, you just have to ignore those things and keep it moving. Maybe that's okay for him, but there are times when I need him to -- in his words -- "coddle" me.

I knew it before, but it didn't hit me until this morning that there will never be a time when I'll be able to share my concerns about the world or whatever else is on my mind with him, and he'll allow me to cry. That was one of the many things that New Boo did that I loved.

That's the thing that I miss most. I felt like I could be my complete self with New Boo -- flaws and fears and all. He made me believe that he loved ME, not the larger-than-life persona that I had to give to everyone else. When I didn't know how I could go on, I felt like he was in my corner and on my side. Clearly that was a lie, but that's how he played it with me.

And that's also the thing that hurts the most. I let him see ME, the uncut version. I showed him places in me that no one else had seen before, and he couldn't handle it. Or rather, he still chose to walk away. He looked at all I had to offer, and said, "Nope. I'm good." I guess the good of me couldn't outweigh the bad of me.

That's always the risk you take, if you're honest, in real relationships. You don't always know that YOU would be with you if given a choice. So when we present ourselves to others, it's in the hopes that whatever's wrong or bad about us won't overshadow the good of us. 

At this point, I'm guessing my bad is outweighing my good with My Teddy Bear. For the first time since we've been sleeping in bed together, he didn't try to hold me at all. Not even in the morning. I guess he doesn't want to be close to me right now. 

It would be a shame to lose everything over this, but at this point, I won't be surprised at anything.

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