Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

I’m about to be 50 years old. Even typing that sentence hurts me. Not because I’m not glad to make it to this age, but because I wonder if I’ve accomplished enough. I thought I’d be married with kids by now. Not so much. I’m single with a career I love, but no one to share it with. I’m about to move back home because I need to be closer to my mother, who’s getting older. The one man I loved moved on years ago. Thankfully, I’m not bitter.  What I guess what I want is the life I thought I’d have. But you know what? I’m super thankful. I get to be alive in my middle age. So many people can’t say that. I’m glad I still have my mom. Lord knows that’s a blessing that so many others don’t get to have. And if I keep living, maybe I’ll get the chance to be the woman I want to be. And no matter how I feel about getting older, I’m glad to be able to do it.

I got a reminder on my phone today. "The Day I Broke Up with My Teddy Bear," it said. It brought a smile to my face. To be clear, I'm not proud of what I put him through. I should've broken up with him a year before I actually did. I was wrong to string him along as long as I did. I cheated on him and said hurtful things to him and generally did him dirty. If the truth is ever really told, I probably never should have dated him. When he came into my life, I was way too broken to enter into any kind of relationship -- much less a romantic one with someone whose only attribute for me was an awe-like worship of me. He said the things my battered heart needed to hear. He just wasn't the one I needed to hear them from. I was still deeply in love with New Boo. Even though he'd dogged me out and made me feel like a fraction of myself, I was so sprung that I couldn't see straight. If New Boo had tried half as hard as My Teddy Bear did, I would've taken h