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Showing posts from 2017

Here I Grow Again...

I'm constantly learning about myself. What I'm finding out is not necessarily great.

Inasmuch as I like people, I realize that I don't want them close to me. The reason this matters is that I'm a public figure. I work in radio, which means that I'm able to talk to people without being around them. Now that I want to boost my profile, I'll have to be more social. I don't even know how.
This weekend, I did an event where I was introduced as my public persona, and I don't think I handled it right. I was supposed to mingle and talk to people...take pictures...etc. Instead, I sat with the people I knew and got tipsy. I don't think it was noticeable, but I was kinda disappointed in myself.
That's a feeling I'm experiencing a lot lately. Disappointment with myself, that is. That's a discussion for another day.
As I reviewed my life, as I often do when I'm upset, I realized that I've never liked being around a lot of people. One of my gr…

Who Does This?

I did it again.
I slept with New Boo.
I don't really know why.
That's not really true. I know exactly why I did it. He's a wonderful lover. He makes me feel sexy. We push each other to be the best. When we come together, we take each other to higher heights.
The downside is that when the high is over, the crash is epic. Right now I feel horrible.
Yes, my body is tingling. But my heart is confused. 
Okay, that's not exactly true, either. I know what's wrong -- even though I hate to admit it.
My body needs New Boo, but My Teddy Bear knows how to care for my heart. NB makes me scream as we go through all the fly positions. MTB makes sure I eat like I need to. NB inspires me to make love in my boots. MTB holds me in the middle of the night.
NB didn't spend the night. That was a first for us. But it was more necessary than I realized. His leaving solidified the fact -- again -- that we're not together. That sex is all we have between us. There's no need for…

Passing Me By...

It's Mother's Day.

This is the first time I've been sad about not being a mother.
Until this year, I always thought it was a possibility. Now? Not so much. And it hurts more than I thought it would.
I find myself looking at babies and pictures of babies and women who have children and I'm sad. I know it's not their fault, but sometimes I feel like they get to flaunt their functionality in the face of those who couldn't fulfill the one thing that's unique to women.
I hate that I'll never have a min-me to shop with...someone to shape and nurture. I won't have first steps, first days of school, graduations, weddings, or anything where I'll be honored as the mother. Of course, there's no guarantee that I'd have a great kid. I could have a troubled child that I'd have to bail out of jail every other month, or one I'd be afraid of or afraid for his or her whole life.
Either way, it seems like that ship has sailed for me. And it makes m…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.

The Status of Me

I have reached a crossroad in my life and I don't know what to do.

I love New Boo. I know that's not a revelation. I love this wounded, complicated, immature, unambitious man. Unless things are going to change with him, he will be in the same place in 10 years.

My Teddy Bear loves me. He is moving forward spiritually, educationally, and hopefully physically. He wants to include me in the plans he makes. He is a good man with a good heart. He's been hurt before, but he is learning how to live and love again.

As for me...I'm a flawed individual. I'm hurt, and I'm scared, and I don't know what's next for me. I want a family, and those dreams seem to be slipping away with each passing day. I don't know who to turn to, and I find myself doing destructive things. I'm not a drinker or a drug addict, but sleeping with New Boo is probably just as bad, if not worse.

I feel stuck at my job. It would be easy to stay if I were making enough money to live lik…

Over

My baby dreams are over. 
My doctor told me that the fibroid that's been giving my trouble is inside of my uterus. If they remove it, they'll have to cut my uterus, which might render it useless. Given my age, my doctor seems to think a hysterectomy would be the best thing.
My baby dreams are over.
The day after Beyoncé announces her twins, I find myself here. In No baby land. Yay.
I feel so cheated. I tried my best to do things right. I wanted to wait until I got a husband before I started my family. And now it's too late.
Maybe it's not. Maybe there's a way to still have the baby I want. But right now...in this moment...it doesn't feel like that. I only have one thought running through my head
My baby dreams are over.

Caught in an Angle of Song...

That's one of my favorite lines from Love Jones, and it sums up my feelings right now. I'm listening to Leslie Odom Jr. today. If you love great singing and beautiful music, you definitely need to get into this one. As a wonderful (?) bonus, it's got me all in my feelings. While there, I came to an uncomfortable realization.

I'm lonely.

Even though I'm dating My Teddy Bear, I spend way too much time by myself. He calls during the day, but it's on his breaks and when he's on the bus. We don't have substantive conversations about things that matter to me. When we have "serious" conversations, they usually consist of him either bitching and moaning because of something I want him to do, or him telling me what activity he wants to do.

I miss having someone who's interested in the same things I am. I miss having someone I can tell my secrets to without feeling like I'll be ridiculed. I feel like I'm adrift all the time, which wouldn'…

When You Know...

How do you know when it's really over? When you realize he has no care for you. He may show you every day by his absence, but it's not real for you until you look in his eyes and SEE it.

That's what happened to me last night.

Sure, New Boo has been gone for almost two years. Yes, he hasn't made any real efforts to get us back to where we were. And he absolutely doesn't ask me who I'm sleeping with. And yet when we made plans to grab a drink for his birthday, I thought we were going to discuss our future.

Boy, was I wrong.

We did get together. We did have a drink. But I was just a stop on his way to his real party with his boys. In fact, the only reason he did that was so that he could keep his word to me. For once.

No matter how hurt I am, I have no way to blame him for that. He didn't give me anything to make me believe that he wanted me back. He didn't imply or allude to anything like that.

It was all in my head.

One day I'm going to forget that t…

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.