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Yeah...About That...

I'm watching Scandal, and Mellie was talking about how lonely it is to be the president. She spoke about how men have a problem with regular powerful women, but being the leader of the free world comes with a chastity belt.
I get it.
I'm nowhere near the leader of the free world. I'm not even the leader of free lunch, but I get it. If men perceive you to have one more drop of power than they do, they can't handle it.
This is my life. At least it is when it comes to the men I've known.
It's not even like that for me.
I don't even have enough juice to get what I want at work.
But yet I'm seen as intimidating. 
Yeah...right.

Oh No...

Just when you think your life is the worst it could possibly be, you hear something that puts it all in perspective.

One of my best friends went to the doctor and was told she either had an autoimmune disease...or cancer.

Whoa.

That makes ALL my issues seem minor now.

I cannot lose her. Period.

Because I believe in God and I know He's a Healer, I know she'll be fine.

But it still gives me pause.

It's funny...if you'd told me 20 years ago that any of my friends would be dead, I probably would've laughed at you. Camille was already gone, but she got killed. That was different.

My homie and I've got 25 years of friendship. I plan to be calling that heifer from the nursing home. We're gonna compare denture stories.

If you know Jesus for real, please pray for her.

Kill It

"Nothing's ever really dead if you look at it right." from Collateral Beauty

I believe that. Although I also believe that some things need to be killed, lest they consume you.

That's what my love for New Boo feels like sometimes.

I need for it to die. I need to be able to bury it. I need it to not come up every time I see happy couples. I need to get it out of my system so I can go on with my life.

I realize at this point I'll never be able to move forward until I can release this piece of my puzzle.

Sometimes I don't think I want to.

I want to live in this love forever. I want him to move back into it with me and make it right again. I want us to get married and live happily ever after. I want to have his children over to our home for holidays. I want to meet his family and make memories for just the two of us.

I want what everyone else wants. And I want it with the love of my heart.

I realize that a lot of what I equate with success comes from loving and be…

Enough

I hope you got enough.

When I submitted my fragile heart to you...again...and you trampled over it...again....

I hope you got enough.

When you got my hopes up...again...that you might actually be worth the time it took to say your name...again...

I hope you got enough.

When you were deep inside me...exciting my body and touching my soul the way only you can because of the love we've shared before...

I hope you got enough.

When you treated me like a friend, or at least someone you liked...again...

I hope you got enough.

Because I did. I got enough.

I got enough pain, heartache, and tears to last me a lifetime. And for the first time a long time, I'm putting the broken pieces of my heart together with something other than your lies and promises that never seem to come true.

I got enough.

I've reached my limit of excusing your behavior...of blaming myself for your actions. It's not my fault that our relationship -- the one you love to refer to -- is broken. You walked awa…

The Problem...

My therapist helped me find the root of my issues.

Rejection.

Pretty much everything I've ever done is tied to my deep-seated fear of rejection. And if I let my mind wander, it goes back to my earliest memories.

When I was little and my grandmother told me that not everyone would love me.

When I was five, I tried to find a dad among my mom's friends. I figured you could just ask someone to be your father. Who knew biology was involved?

When we moved back to Texas and the kids teased me for the way I talked. They said I was "proper" and "thought I was White."

My therapist told me a few weeks ago that I had tolerated too many things. Now I see why...because of my fear of being rejected.

Now I have to figure out how to fix that. Ugh..

A Season

Sin is only good for a season. I'm at the end of mine.

I finally allowed Juice to have what he wanted. And guess what? It was good for me, too. Honestly, it was the first time in forever that someone satisfied me as much -- or at least in a comparable fashion -- as New Boo. I thought I'd found my placebo drug.

Then I got greedy. I wanted it again -- this time on my terms. I picked the spot and we went. When it was over, I looked around the beautiful room in the beautiful part of town and got sad. I didn't want to be with him. He has the personality of paint drying...with the penis of Dirk Digler. I can't do it. I swear.

New Boo is an awful, awful man. He doesn't want to be with me. He wants to use me for his convenience. That's all it'll ever be now.

There are times when I'd rather have a portion of his time to pretend that there's love there. I know there's not, but I can paint that picture in my brain. I can make myself believe that he still w…

What I Want...

I want a family of my own.

I want a husband who'll provide for me and have my back. Someone who wants to be with me and me alone. A person who sees me and still thinks I'm a good idea.

I want someone I can dream with. Someone who won't think I'm crazy or stupid because I'm afraid of bugs. Someone who'll be willing to go on adventures with me and introduce me to new things.

I want someone to love me.

Is that really too much to ask?

I sometimes wonder how I made it all the way to 46 with no permanent man on the horizon. Yes, I realize that's not the only thing to life, but I swear to you, it's something I want and feel like I need.

I want babies, too. (Since I'm telling you what I want, I might as well put it all out there.) More than one. I want to shape human beings with my loving husband by my side.

I want my life to mean something to the world. I want to leave something behind besides bills.

I want to live in a great condo -- if I don't have k…

In My Feelings, the Charlottesville Edition

I have never felt so small and insignificant in all my life.

We have put a man in the White House who absolutely cares NOTHING about people of color. I'm not stupid enough to be believe that he's the first one. I'm not stupid enough to believe he's the only one. But until now, I never thought I'd see the day where this level of racism would be on display for the world to see.

I am sickened.

The last time I felt quite this bad about racism was back in 1989. I was out with my friends on a Friday night when something jumped off. The cops pulled out their rifles and made the boys lay face down on the ground. It wasn't anything that warranted that type of response, but that's what they did.

I was 18 years old and it scared me to death.

Now, almost 30 years later, we're seeing the same thing...but on a much larger scale. What kind of country are we living in when white supremacists are marching around unmasked? At least the KKK of old had the decency to hide …

In My Feelings...Again

There are times when I think I should change the name of this blog. Today I do NOT feel like a diva. I feel like a pitiful mess of a woman who's completely in my feelings.

I hate it when I get here.

I was minding my business last night when Juice hit me up. (Remind me to tell you about him later.) He wanted to hang out because we'd actually said we would. But he's he's only after one thing and I wasn't inspired enough to venture out to deal with him, so I told him I was in for the evening.

At the same time, New Boo asked me if I'd done my hair.

Let's be clear. My hair in and of itself isn't necessarily that big a deal. However, him asking me about it could indicate that I was on his mind and that he cared about me in more than a horizontal way. That would be awesome...but I know it's not true. Even though I engaged in conversation with him -- because that's what I do -- it was painful.

I am lonely. I want to be with someone who cares about me. I…

"It's Us..."

I hate it when New Boo reminds me of our time together. It happened tonight.

We were chatting about our day and getting ready to sign off. When I said good night to him -- calling him by his name -- he called me a name we'd come up with when we were together. He's the only one who calls me that.

I said, "Damn," and send a cringing emoji. He was like, "Sorry. Old joke." I said, "I'm giggling, but I hate you." He replied, "Don't. It's us."

Completely slayed me. I was NOT prepared. My heart sank within me and the tears sprang to my eyes.

I honestly wish he wouldn't bring stuff like that up. After all, it's HIS fault that we aren't together. If I'd had my way, we never would've broken up. I'd never know My Teddy Bear, and we would be happily together.

But no. That's not where we are. And honestly, I sometimes hate him for this.

If I'm really honest, it's not him I hate. It's myself.

I hate …

Something New...

For many years, I've used this space to try and work out my issues. I've poured out large portions of my heart on this page because I couldn't say anything to the people around me.
But my latest issues have called my sanity into question, and I've decided to get some more formalized help. So...long story short, I've started seeing a therapist.
I never thought I would.
So far, I've had two sessions. She asked me questions in the first one, and the second one found me spilling my guts about children.
I've only told a few people. I haven't shared it with the people closest to me, and I'm not really sure why. It's not like it's shameful. But it IS a new and different way of dealing with my life.
I told New Boo. He's in therapy, too.
Funny thing -- My Teddy Bear, who's now my ex, is seeing a therapist, too. But I haven't talked to him about it. Yet again, he's facing another crisis.
The other day I was bleeding and hot and sweaty …

Post Mortem on The Breakup

So...I told you that I'd finally given My Teddy Bear the boot...

...Or so I thought.

Apparently I didn't use the right words when I gave him his walking papers. He's under the impression that we're "on a break" and that we're still together.

 That is NOT the impression I wanted to give him.

But what do you say when a man is sobbing?

I said, "Let's just step back and heal ourselves and revisit this later." What I should've said was, "It's been fun, but I'm done, son."

Now he wants to talk to me. In person. I don't want to.

But if I do...I have something to say. He won't like it.

What I want to say is that we've all experienced loss. The difference is that we don't wallow in it. We know how to mourn the loss and move on. We never forget, but we release the pain of it and learn to treasure the time we had with the person.

What I found is that he wallows. That's why he eats the way he does. Instead of mo…

What Happened...

"He was in love with you."

That's what New Boo's best friend told me when I asked -- in a drunken stupor -- if he'd ever loved me.

I have tried my best not to think about it, but I can't help it. I still wonder what in the world I did to make him fall out of love for me.

This thought is especially poignant as I reflect on the third anniversary of our first hookup.

I remember how eager I was. How hopeful I was. I didn't expect anything but a good time. As we climbed to his fourth-floor walk up, I thought we'd just kick it, I'd go home, and that would be that.

What happened in that hot room that night changed my life.

And here I am...questioning everything we did for the millionth time.

PS -- I finally broke things off with My Teddy Bear. It was hard, but I did it. He didn't take it well, but I got everything out that I needed to. Now it's on to the next episode...or not.

The Reality of it All...

Real love makes you giddy. When you see the object of your affection, your face lights up from the inside out. When you're apart, you long for the person -- even if it's just a few hours.

I used to feel that way.  I want to feel that way again.

Sadly, My Teddy Bear was never the object of that, and it's unfair to him.

What's sadder is that he doesn't realize it.

When he got with me, I was so broken that I needed someone...anyone...to help glue me back together. My main requirement was that he wasn't New Boo. And he wasn't. He seemed to have his thing way more together. He made me feel special -- something I needed at the time.

But things have soured. First of all...he restricted my conversation. He wouldn't let me share with him like I needed to. Then he stopped sleeping with me. That was a biggie. Now I just feel empty when it comes to him. It's almost like I'm not in a relationship anymore.

It would be easy to place the blame on him, but it…

Still Here

And the situation continues...

I still have not mustered up the guts to end things with My Teddy Bear. It's hard to break up with someone you barely talk to. Our conversations are so superficial. We never talk about substantive stuff, and now I see how that's affected me.

When we first started dating, I wanted to share things with him, but he only wanted to hear about things pertaining to me. I didn't matter if it was important to me -- he wanted no parts of it. It doesn't work that way for me. Instead of fighting for what I wanted -- the freedom to discuss everything with him -- I retreated. I just started talking to other people.

At the beginning, we'd have sex on a somewhat regular basis. However, it was also around the time I started getting sick, so I was out of commission a lot of time. After he decided that he didn't want to sleep with me -- because of his low T, I found out later -- I still didn't fight it. When he said he didn't want to discuss…

Holding it Together is Hard...

So...I told you the end is near for My Teddy Bear and I.

Because I'm not a total bitch -- or maybe I should say because I don't want to be -- I'm putting it off by a week or so because he lost one of his best friends.

But it's getting harder and harder to hold this sham together.

Case in point -- my homegirl's birthday party. I was drunker than I needed to be on a work night, and I showed out. I was dancing with all kinds of boys -- mostly gay, but one is bi and wants me badly. With his well-toned physique and winning personality, I like him, too. Even though I know I won't go there, you couldn't tell it the way I was grinding up on him. Much to my chagrin, I let my affection-starved body take over.

Let's just say that it was NOT a good look -- especially since his friends were there.

He ended up coming home with us...and he didn't say a word about what went on. He also didn't make a move on me. At all. Ugh...

In other party news, I spoke to New…

The Fat Lady is Warming Up...

The inevitable is about to happen.

I'm going to break up with My Teddy Bear.

It's been a long time coming, but it's time.

And honestly, it's not like when I broke up with RIP. Even though he went off the deep end, it was that plus my budding feelings for New Boo that caused me to let him go.

No, this time, it's not because of New Boo. NB is fun, but I already know that he's a dead-end street.

This time, I'm letting MTB go because he deserves better. He deserves to be with someone who can and will love him as he is. Someone who'll see all the wonderfulness that he possesses.

I see it, but I can't access it to my satisfaction. And I'm unhappy with him. I don't want to be, but I am. And no matter how hard I try, I don't see it in the cards for us.

I just hope that we can both come out intact when everything is said and done.

Oh No...

I don't want to do this, but I'm realizing that I cannot help it.

I find myself falling for New Boo again.

Last night was especially crazy.

He walked into my room and immediately began putting my fan together. After that, he checked my cable to see what was wrong and diagnosed the problem. Then he poured me a drink and we talked. Nothing major, but he asked me about my trip. The conversation wasn't anything earth shattering, but it was us.

After all that, we got busy. It was wild and kinda rough, but never too much. When he finished, he tried to leave. I would've let him, but I was tipsy, too. Next thing you know, I'm texting him to come back. He was drunker than he thought he was, and he came back. The lovemaking that ensued was even more insane.

This time, he spent the night. No sex in the morning, but the damage was done.

To be fair, it's not New Boo's fault. It is not. I am completely to blame for this episode of my heartbreak. Totally.

I can't blam…

Here I Grow Again...

I'm constantly learning about myself. What I'm finding out is not necessarily great.

Inasmuch as I like people, I realize that I don't want them close to me. The reason this matters is that I'm a public figure. I work in radio, which means that I'm able to talk to people without being around them. Now that I want to boost my profile, I'll have to be more social. I don't even know how.
This weekend, I did an event where I was introduced as my public persona, and I don't think I handled it right. I was supposed to mingle and talk to people...take pictures...etc. Instead, I sat with the people I knew and got tipsy. I don't think it was noticeable, but I was kinda disappointed in myself.
That's a feeling I'm experiencing a lot lately. Disappointment with myself, that is. That's a discussion for another day.
As I reviewed my life, as I often do when I'm upset, I realized that I've never liked being around a lot of people. One of my gr…

Who Does This?

I did it again.
I slept with New Boo.
I don't really know why.
That's not really true. I know exactly why I did it. He's a wonderful lover. He makes me feel sexy. We push each other to be the best. When we come together, we take each other to higher heights.
The downside is that when the high is over, the crash is epic. Right now I feel horrible.
Yes, my body is tingling. But my heart is confused. 
Okay, that's not exactly true, either. I know what's wrong -- even though I hate to admit it.
My body needs New Boo, but My Teddy Bear knows how to care for my heart. NB makes me scream as we go through all the fly positions. MTB makes sure I eat like I need to. NB inspires me to make love in my boots. MTB holds me in the middle of the night.
NB didn't spend the night. That was a first for us. But it was more necessary than I realized. His leaving solidified the fact -- again -- that we're not together. That sex is all we have between us. There's no need for…

Passing Me By...

It's Mother's Day.

This is the first time I've been sad about not being a mother.
Until this year, I always thought it was a possibility. Now? Not so much. And it hurts more than I thought it would.
I find myself looking at babies and pictures of babies and women who have children and I'm sad. I know it's not their fault, but sometimes I feel like they get to flaunt their functionality in the face of those who couldn't fulfill the one thing that's unique to women.
I hate that I'll never have a min-me to shop with...someone to shape and nurture. I won't have first steps, first days of school, graduations, weddings, or anything where I'll be honored as the mother. Of course, there's no guarantee that I'd have a great kid. I could have a troubled child that I'd have to bail out of jail every other month, or one I'd be afraid of or afraid for his or her whole life.
Either way, it seems like that ship has sailed for me. And it makes m…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.

The Status of Me

I have reached a crossroad in my life and I don't know what to do.

I love New Boo. I know that's not a revelation. I love this wounded, complicated, immature, unambitious man. Unless things are going to change with him, he will be in the same place in 10 years.

My Teddy Bear loves me. He is moving forward spiritually, educationally, and hopefully physically. He wants to include me in the plans he makes. He is a good man with a good heart. He's been hurt before, but he is learning how to live and love again.

As for me...I'm a flawed individual. I'm hurt, and I'm scared, and I don't know what's next for me. I want a family, and those dreams seem to be slipping away with each passing day. I don't know who to turn to, and I find myself doing destructive things. I'm not a drinker or a drug addict, but sleeping with New Boo is probably just as bad, if not worse.

I feel stuck at my job. It would be easy to stay if I were making enough money to live lik…

Over

My baby dreams are over. 
My doctor told me that the fibroid that's been giving my trouble is inside of my uterus. If they remove it, they'll have to cut my uterus, which might render it useless. Given my age, my doctor seems to think a hysterectomy would be the best thing.
My baby dreams are over.
The day after Beyoncé announces her twins, I find myself here. In No baby land. Yay.
I feel so cheated. I tried my best to do things right. I wanted to wait until I got a husband before I started my family. And now it's too late.
Maybe it's not. Maybe there's a way to still have the baby I want. But right now...in this moment...it doesn't feel like that. I only have one thought running through my head
My baby dreams are over.

Caught in an Angle of Song...

That's one of my favorite lines from Love Jones, and it sums up my feelings right now. I'm listening to Leslie Odom Jr. today. If you love great singing and beautiful music, you definitely need to get into this one. As a wonderful (?) bonus, it's got me all in my feelings. While there, I came to an uncomfortable realization.

I'm lonely.

Even though I'm dating My Teddy Bear, I spend way too much time by myself. He calls during the day, but it's on his breaks and when he's on the bus. We don't have substantive conversations about things that matter to me. When we have "serious" conversations, they usually consist of him either bitching and moaning because of something I want him to do, or him telling me what activity he wants to do.

I miss having someone who's interested in the same things I am. I miss having someone I can tell my secrets to without feeling like I'll be ridiculed. I feel like I'm adrift all the time, which wouldn'…

When You Know...

How do you know when it's really over? When you realize he has no care for you. He may show you every day by his absence, but it's not real for you until you look in his eyes and SEE it.

That's what happened to me last night.

Sure, New Boo has been gone for almost two years. Yes, he hasn't made any real efforts to get us back to where we were. And he absolutely doesn't ask me who I'm sleeping with. And yet when we made plans to grab a drink for his birthday, I thought we were going to discuss our future.

Boy, was I wrong.

We did get together. We did have a drink. But I was just a stop on his way to his real party with his boys. In fact, the only reason he did that was so that he could keep his word to me. For once.

No matter how hurt I am, I have no way to blame him for that. He didn't give me anything to make me believe that he wanted me back. He didn't imply or allude to anything like that.

It was all in my head.

One day I'm going to forget that t…

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.