Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from 2017

"It's Us..."

I hate it when New Boo reminds me of our time together. It happened tonight.

We were chatting about our day and getting ready to sign off. When I said good night to him -- calling him by his name -- he called me a name we'd come up with when we were together. He's the only one who calls me that.

I said, "Damn," and send a cringing emoji. He was like, "Sorry. Old joke." I said, "I'm giggling, but I hate you." He replied, "Don't. It's us."

Completely slayed me. I was NOT prepared. My heart sank within me and the tears sprang to my eyes.

I honestly wish he wouldn't bring stuff like that up. After all, it's HIS fault that we aren't together. If I'd had my way, we never would've broken up. I'd never know My Teddy Bear, and we would be happily together.

But no. That's not where we are. And honestly, I sometimes hate him for this.

If I'm really honest, it's not him I hate. It's myself.

I hate …

Something New...

For many years, I've used this space to try and work out my issues. I've poured out large portions of my heart on this page because I couldn't say anything to the people around me.
But my latest issues have called my sanity into question, and I've decided to get some more formalized help. So...long story short, I've started seeing a therapist.
I never thought I would.
So far, I've had two sessions. She asked me questions in the first one, and the second one found me spilling my guts about children.
I've only told a few people. I haven't shared it with the people closest to me, and I'm not really sure why. It's not like it's shameful. But it IS a new and different way of dealing with my life.
I told New Boo. He's in therapy, too.
Funny thing -- My Teddy Bear, who's now my ex, is seeing a therapist, too. But I haven't talked to him about it. Yet again, he's facing another crisis.
The other day I was bleeding and hot and sweaty …

Post Mortem on The Breakup

So...I told you that I'd finally given My Teddy Bear the boot...

...Or so I thought.

Apparently I didn't use the right words when I gave him his walking papers. He's under the impression that we're "on a break" and that we're still together.

 That is NOT the impression I wanted to give him.

But what do you say when a man is sobbing?

I said, "Let's just step back and heal ourselves and revisit this later." What I should've said was, "It's been fun, but I'm done, son."

Now he wants to talk to me. In person. I don't want to.

But if I do...I have something to say. He won't like it.

What I want to say is that we've all experienced loss. The difference is that we don't wallow in it. We know how to mourn the loss and move on. We never forget, but we release the pain of it and learn to treasure the time we had with the person.

What I found is that he wallows. That's why he eats the way he does. Instead of mo…

What Happened...

"He was in love with you."

That's what New Boo's best friend told me when I asked -- in a drunken stupor -- if he'd ever loved me.

I have tried my best not to think about it, but I can't help it. I still wonder what in the world I did to make him fall out of love for me.

This thought is especially poignant as I reflect on the third anniversary of our first hookup.

I remember how eager I was. How hopeful I was. I didn't expect anything but a good time. As we climbed to his fourth-floor walk up, I thought we'd just kick it, I'd go home, and that would be that.

What happened in that hot room that night changed my life.

And here I am...questioning everything we did for the millionth time.

PS -- I finally broke things off with My Teddy Bear. It was hard, but I did it. He didn't take it well, but I got everything out that I needed to. Now it's on to the next episode...or not.

The Reality of it All...

Real love makes you giddy. When you see the object of your affection, your face lights up from the inside out. When you're apart, you long for the person -- even if it's just a few hours.

I used to feel that way.  I want to feel that way again.

Sadly, My Teddy Bear was never the object of that, and it's unfair to him.

What's sadder is that he doesn't realize it.

When he got with me, I was so broken that I needed someone...anyone...to help glue me back together. My main requirement was that he wasn't New Boo. And he wasn't. He seemed to have his thing way more together. He made me feel special -- something I needed at the time.

But things have soured. First of all...he restricted my conversation. He wouldn't let me share with him like I needed to. Then he stopped sleeping with me. That was a biggie. Now I just feel empty when it comes to him. It's almost like I'm not in a relationship anymore.

It would be easy to place the blame on him, but it…

Still Here

And the situation continues...

I still have not mustered up the guts to end things with My Teddy Bear. It's hard to break up with someone you barely talk to. Our conversations are so superficial. We never talk about substantive stuff, and now I see how that's affected me.

When we first started dating, I wanted to share things with him, but he only wanted to hear about things pertaining to me. I didn't matter if it was important to me -- he wanted no parts of it. It doesn't work that way for me. Instead of fighting for what I wanted -- the freedom to discuss everything with him -- I retreated. I just started talking to other people.

At the beginning, we'd have sex on a somewhat regular basis. However, it was also around the time I started getting sick, so I was out of commission a lot of time. After he decided that he didn't want to sleep with me -- because of his low T, I found out later -- I still didn't fight it. When he said he didn't want to discuss…

Holding it Together is Hard...

So...I told you the end is near for My Teddy Bear and I.

Because I'm not a total bitch -- or maybe I should say because I don't want to be -- I'm putting it off by a week or so because he lost one of his best friends.

But it's getting harder and harder to hold this sham together.

Case in point -- my homegirl's birthday party. I was drunker than I needed to be on a work night, and I showed out. I was dancing with all kinds of boys -- mostly gay, but one is bi and wants me badly. With his well-toned physique and winning personality, I like him, too. Even though I know I won't go there, you couldn't tell it the way I was grinding up on him. Much to my chagrin, I let my affection-starved body take over.

Let's just say that it was NOT a good look -- especially since his friends were there.

He ended up coming home with us...and he didn't say a word about what went on. He also didn't make a move on me. At all. Ugh...

In other party news, I spoke to New…

The Fat Lady is Warming Up...

The inevitable is about to happen.

I'm going to break up with My Teddy Bear.

It's been a long time coming, but it's time.

And honestly, it's not like when I broke up with RIP. Even though he went off the deep end, it was that plus my budding feelings for New Boo that caused me to let him go.

No, this time, it's not because of New Boo. NB is fun, but I already know that he's a dead-end street.

This time, I'm letting MTB go because he deserves better. He deserves to be with someone who can and will love him as he is. Someone who'll see all the wonderfulness that he possesses.

I see it, but I can't access it to my satisfaction. And I'm unhappy with him. I don't want to be, but I am. And no matter how hard I try, I don't see it in the cards for us.

I just hope that we can both come out intact when everything is said and done.

Oh No...

I don't want to do this, but I'm realizing that I cannot help it.

I find myself falling for New Boo again.

Last night was especially crazy.

He walked into my room and immediately began putting my fan together. After that, he checked my cable to see what was wrong and diagnosed the problem. Then he poured me a drink and we talked. Nothing major, but he asked me about my trip. The conversation wasn't anything earth shattering, but it was us.

After all that, we got busy. It was wild and kinda rough, but never too much. When he finished, he tried to leave. I would've let him, but I was tipsy, too. Next thing you know, I'm texting him to come back. He was drunker than he thought he was, and he came back. The lovemaking that ensued was even more insane.

This time, he spent the night. No sex in the morning, but the damage was done.

To be fair, it's not New Boo's fault. It is not. I am completely to blame for this episode of my heartbreak. Totally.

I can't blam…

Here I Grow Again...

I'm constantly learning about myself. What I'm finding out is not necessarily great.

Inasmuch as I like people, I realize that I don't want them close to me. The reason this matters is that I'm a public figure. I work in radio, which means that I'm able to talk to people without being around them. Now that I want to boost my profile, I'll have to be more social. I don't even know how.
This weekend, I did an event where I was introduced as my public persona, and I don't think I handled it right. I was supposed to mingle and talk to people...take pictures...etc. Instead, I sat with the people I knew and got tipsy. I don't think it was noticeable, but I was kinda disappointed in myself.
That's a feeling I'm experiencing a lot lately. Disappointment with myself, that is. That's a discussion for another day.
As I reviewed my life, as I often do when I'm upset, I realized that I've never liked being around a lot of people. One of my gr…

Who Does This?

I did it again.
I slept with New Boo.
I don't really know why.
That's not really true. I know exactly why I did it. He's a wonderful lover. He makes me feel sexy. We push each other to be the best. When we come together, we take each other to higher heights.
The downside is that when the high is over, the crash is epic. Right now I feel horrible.
Yes, my body is tingling. But my heart is confused. 
Okay, that's not exactly true, either. I know what's wrong -- even though I hate to admit it.
My body needs New Boo, but My Teddy Bear knows how to care for my heart. NB makes me scream as we go through all the fly positions. MTB makes sure I eat like I need to. NB inspires me to make love in my boots. MTB holds me in the middle of the night.
NB didn't spend the night. That was a first for us. But it was more necessary than I realized. His leaving solidified the fact -- again -- that we're not together. That sex is all we have between us. There's no need for…

Passing Me By...

It's Mother's Day.

This is the first time I've been sad about not being a mother.
Until this year, I always thought it was a possibility. Now? Not so much. And it hurts more than I thought it would.
I find myself looking at babies and pictures of babies and women who have children and I'm sad. I know it's not their fault, but sometimes I feel like they get to flaunt their functionality in the face of those who couldn't fulfill the one thing that's unique to women.
I hate that I'll never have a min-me to shop with...someone to shape and nurture. I won't have first steps, first days of school, graduations, weddings, or anything where I'll be honored as the mother. Of course, there's no guarantee that I'd have a great kid. I could have a troubled child that I'd have to bail out of jail every other month, or one I'd be afraid of or afraid for his or her whole life.
Either way, it seems like that ship has sailed for me. And it makes m…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.

The Status of Me

I have reached a crossroad in my life and I don't know what to do.

I love New Boo. I know that's not a revelation. I love this wounded, complicated, immature, unambitious man. Unless things are going to change with him, he will be in the same place in 10 years.

My Teddy Bear loves me. He is moving forward spiritually, educationally, and hopefully physically. He wants to include me in the plans he makes. He is a good man with a good heart. He's been hurt before, but he is learning how to live and love again.

As for me...I'm a flawed individual. I'm hurt, and I'm scared, and I don't know what's next for me. I want a family, and those dreams seem to be slipping away with each passing day. I don't know who to turn to, and I find myself doing destructive things. I'm not a drinker or a drug addict, but sleeping with New Boo is probably just as bad, if not worse.

I feel stuck at my job. It would be easy to stay if I were making enough money to live lik…

Over

My baby dreams are over. 
My doctor told me that the fibroid that's been giving my trouble is inside of my uterus. If they remove it, they'll have to cut my uterus, which might render it useless. Given my age, my doctor seems to think a hysterectomy would be the best thing.
My baby dreams are over.
The day after Beyoncé announces her twins, I find myself here. In No baby land. Yay.
I feel so cheated. I tried my best to do things right. I wanted to wait until I got a husband before I started my family. And now it's too late.
Maybe it's not. Maybe there's a way to still have the baby I want. But right now...in this moment...it doesn't feel like that. I only have one thought running through my head
My baby dreams are over.

Caught in an Angle of Song...

That's one of my favorite lines from Love Jones, and it sums up my feelings right now. I'm listening to Leslie Odom Jr. today. If you love great singing and beautiful music, you definitely need to get into this one. As a wonderful (?) bonus, it's got me all in my feelings. While there, I came to an uncomfortable realization.

I'm lonely.

Even though I'm dating My Teddy Bear, I spend way too much time by myself. He calls during the day, but it's on his breaks and when he's on the bus. We don't have substantive conversations about things that matter to me. When we have "serious" conversations, they usually consist of him either bitching and moaning because of something I want him to do, or him telling me what activity he wants to do.

I miss having someone who's interested in the same things I am. I miss having someone I can tell my secrets to without feeling like I'll be ridiculed. I feel like I'm adrift all the time, which wouldn'…

When You Know...

How do you know when it's really over? When you realize he has no care for you. He may show you every day by his absence, but it's not real for you until you look in his eyes and SEE it.

That's what happened to me last night.

Sure, New Boo has been gone for almost two years. Yes, he hasn't made any real efforts to get us back to where we were. And he absolutely doesn't ask me who I'm sleeping with. And yet when we made plans to grab a drink for his birthday, I thought we were going to discuss our future.

Boy, was I wrong.

We did get together. We did have a drink. But I was just a stop on his way to his real party with his boys. In fact, the only reason he did that was so that he could keep his word to me. For once.

No matter how hurt I am, I have no way to blame him for that. He didn't give me anything to make me believe that he wanted me back. He didn't imply or allude to anything like that.

It was all in my head.

One day I'm going to forget that t…

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.