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The Status of Me

I have reached a crossroad in my life and I don't know what to do.

I love New Boo. I know that's not a revelation. I love this wounded, complicated, immature, unambitious man. Unless things are going to change with him, he will be in the same place in 10 years.

My Teddy Bear loves me. He is moving forward spiritually, educationally, and hopefully physically. He wants to include me in the plans he makes. He is a good man with a good heart. He's been hurt before, but he is learning how to live and love again.

As for me...I'm a flawed individual. I'm hurt, and I'm scared, and I don't know what's next for me. I want a family, and those dreams seem to be slipping away with each passing day. I don't know who to turn to, and I find myself doing destructive things. I'm not a drinker or a drug addict, but sleeping with New Boo is probably just as bad, if not worse.

I feel stuck at my job. It would be easy to stay if I were making enough money to live like I want, but that's not the case. I need a new job, but my confidence is shot. I don't know if I can do anything worthwhile, and honestly, I don't know if I want to.

At this moment...I just want to get in bed and never get out again.

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I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.