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Showing posts from April, 2016

Brunch Anyone?

Brunch reservations. Who would've thought making them would bring up so much?

My Teddy Bear just changed his schedule, which means that we haven't seen each other this week. As you know, this has been a hard week for me because of the reemergence of New Boo and my other issues. Anyway, he asked me to make brunch reservations for Sunday. I tried to ask him what he liked, what the budget was, etc., but all he said was, "Just make 'em. It's not that deep."
I didn't realize it, but it really WAS that deep for me. 
The last time I made brunch reservations was for me and The Man Formerly Known as The One.
It was so painful for me at the time that I didn't write about it. Basically, he came to visit me for his birthday, and I wanted to make it special. I got an outfit that I knew he'd like, a present that would mean something to him, and I made reservations for brunch at this really great spot in the city. It wasn't until all of this was done that I …

Repeat Performance...NOT!!!

I knew it would happen. I just knew it.

New Boo called me.

He texted me first from a number I didn't recognize. The minute I saw the words on the screen I knew it was him. Instead of playing the "who is this" role, I entertained it. Next thing you know, I'm on the phone with the orchestrator of my greatest heartache. I'm talking, laughing, and sharing with the man who broke me.

He says he's sorry. He knows he was wrong. He admits he was screwed up and messed up with me. He misses our life together.

I do, too.

But I've moved on. I've got a good man who loves me to death. I have someone in my corner who treats me like gold.

I told him that.

So why was I thinking about seeing him again?

Fortunately I have good friends who love me enough to pull me from the brink. My girl said, "The woman he's living with is probably about to put him out."

It was a year ago when he started acting out with me. It must be something about spring with him.


The State of Me

Have you ever felt like a fish out of water? That's how I feel with My Teddy Bear.

He's an awesome man. The way he treats me is second to none. I'm realizing that men actually CAN love women in a way that's real and pure.

So why am I having a hard time accepting it?

I swear...I never thought I'd be here, but I am. I don't feel worthy of his kindness and affection. And I can't pinpoint why I'm having issues with it. It's like I've finally found exactly what I need in a man, but I don't know that I'm good enough for him.

Could it be because New Boo still creeps into my dreams?

Please be clear -- NO woman deserves to be put through what NB put me through. I treated him like gold, but he tossed me aside like glass. I sometimes think that the way I'm feeling about MTB is how NB felt about me -- like he wasn't good enough.

The difference between me and NB is that I recognize MTB's goodness as being an inherent part of him. I unders…

No Rest

Writing is the way I deal with most things these days. It's easier for me to type than to talk sometimes. The way I see it, I can get everything out without having to answer questions about it.

This thing with Prince has me shaken.

I'm fully aware that he was human, and humans die every day. They're not designed to live forever. But when talking of someone as iconic as Prince, that's what you expect. They're not supposed to die when you're not ready. Or when there's no reason to think that they would. He wasn't even sick -- as far as we know.

Maybe if we knew more about him, this wouldn't be so hard. If we had an insight into what was actually going on in his life, it would make this easier.

My initial Facebook status when I heard the news was, "I do NOT want to believe this, and I don't want it to be true. As this news settles into my heart, I honestly can't handle it and I don't want to. Prince provided the soundtrack to so many m…

Sunday Morning...

French vanilla coffee brewing, good music playing, your man playing on his computer, and your best friend having brunch. Laughing, talking, teasing, and having fun.
Sometimes, even in the midst of chaos, life comes together in a way that really makes you happy.

Out of Words, Out of Time...

There are times when you run out of words. Letters won't come together to make syllables, and sounds get stuck in your throat. That's how I've felt this week.

I got hit by the news that the person who gave me my first job died. He took me under his wing when I was fresh out of college. For some reason, he saw something in me and nurtured it. I don't know if that was his original intention, but that's what he did. The situation he put me in allowed me to learn things that some people never do. It's crazy how many things I do today that are a direct result of what I learned during my time with him.

It's been 20 years since I worked with him, and now he's gone. I always thought I'd see him again...maybe even work together. This was NOT supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to run out of time.

That's why I've run out of words. Damn.

Doug Banks, 1958-2016


Sometimes I wonder if I'm worthy of a good relationship. I certainly don't know how to do it. I feel like every time I'm with My Teddy Bear, I'm dancing as fast as I can so he won't see the real me.

And who am I? It depends on the day.

Some days I feel invincible. I feel like his love is the wind beneath my wings. I think I can fly as high as my wings will take me.

Other days, his love is a burden. It weighs on me and threatens to suffocate me because it's so pure and honest, and I don't feel worthy. I feel like a fraud so many times when I'm with him. It's not that I don't love him. I do. But I don't know I deserve him.

I think about his goals. We talked about them one morning, and he told me that one of his goals was to find someone to love. I want to be the one he loves, but's overwhelming.

Another thing he wants is to have good credit. My credit was great when I left New York. A few years in Los Angeles was enough to w…


They say that when the right person finally makes his or her appearance in your life, you'll understand why none of the others worked. I'm finding this out with My Teddy Bear everyday.

He finally declared his love for me. It was nothing like I'd imagined it to be.

We were coming home on the train from an impromptu date. On our right was a lesbian couple making out like they didn't have a home to go to. On our left was a woman whose outfit was a study in stupidity. (SN: When it comes to spandex, just because it hugs you doesn't mean it loves you.) We were giggling at the scene and just enjoying each other's company. As we neared my stop, he was telling me how to get home safely. And then he said, "I love you."

To say I was shocked would be a gross understatement. I looked at him and said, "What did you say?" He repeated himself and I gave him a kiss and got off the train. I had a look puzzled bewilderment on my face because he'd chosen th…