Skip to main content

Worthy

Sometimes I wonder if I'm worthy of a good relationship. I certainly don't know how to do it. I feel like every time I'm with My Teddy Bear, I'm dancing as fast as I can so he won't see the real me.

And who am I? It depends on the day.

Some days I feel invincible. I feel like his love is the wind beneath my wings. I think I can fly as high as my wings will take me.

Other days, his love is a burden. It weighs on me and threatens to suffocate me because it's so pure and honest, and I don't feel worthy. I feel like a fraud so many times when I'm with him. It's not that I don't love him. I do. But I don't know I deserve him.

I think about his goals. We talked about them one morning, and he told me that one of his goals was to find someone to love. I want to be the one he loves, but sometimes...it's overwhelming.

Another thing he wants is to have good credit. My credit was great when I left New York. A few years in Los Angeles was enough to wipe that out. It wasn't that I didn't want to pay my bills, but I just didn't have it. Now that I'm back in NYC, I'm still struggling to make ends meet. Most times they just kinda wave at each other.

It's so shameful to me that I never talk about it. He's making moves to be secure. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to survive. As we get closer and I see more of who he is, I realize that he might be too good for me.

At the end of the day, that's the real fear. That I'm not good enough to be with him...that my shortcomings may be too much for him to overlook. It's a mess to me to think this way, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't.

Let's see what happens...

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

On Barack, the Nomination, and Black Love

I'm so excited about Barack Obama! I know I'm just joining the teeming millions when I say that, but I think something this big is worth repeating. Never before in the history of our country has a Black man been in a position to lead the free world, and it feels good. I'm so glad that I've lived long enough to see this day.

Beside the fact that Barack is a great candidate for the Democratic party, I'm moved by his relationship with Michelle. Not since The Cosby Show have we seen a successful Black couple who have a genuine and sincere love and respect for one another. What makes their relationship so special is that it's real -- not the product of someone's imagination.

I obviously don't know Michelle Obama, but I want to grow up to be just like her. I love the fact that she doesn't NEED Barack. She's strong, smart, and successful in her own right, yet secure enough to fall back and be supportive of her man. That's something that all y…

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

Post Mortem on The Breakup

So...I told you that I'd finally given My Teddy Bear the boot...

...Or so I thought.

Apparently I didn't use the right words when I gave him his walking papers. He's under the impression that we're "on a break" and that we're still together.

 That is NOT the impression I wanted to give him.

But what do you say when a man is sobbing?

I said, "Let's just step back and heal ourselves and revisit this later." What I should've said was, "It's been fun, but I'm done, son."

Now he wants to talk to me. In person. I don't want to.

But if I do...I have something to say. He won't like it.

What I want to say is that we've all experienced loss. The difference is that we don't wallow in it. We know how to mourn the loss and move on. We never forget, but we release the pain of it and learn to treasure the time we had with the person.

What I found is that he wallows. That's why he eats the way he does. Instead of mo…