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Worthy

Sometimes I wonder if I'm worthy of a good relationship. I certainly don't know how to do it. I feel like every time I'm with My Teddy Bear, I'm dancing as fast as I can so he won't see the real me.

And who am I? It depends on the day.

Some days I feel invincible. I feel like his love is the wind beneath my wings. I think I can fly as high as my wings will take me.

Other days, his love is a burden. It weighs on me and threatens to suffocate me because it's so pure and honest, and I don't feel worthy. I feel like a fraud so many times when I'm with him. It's not that I don't love him. I do. But I don't know I deserve him.

I think about his goals. We talked about them one morning, and he told me that one of his goals was to find someone to love. I want to be the one he loves, but sometimes...it's overwhelming.

Another thing he wants is to have good credit. My credit was great when I left New York. A few years in Los Angeles was enough to wipe that out. It wasn't that I didn't want to pay my bills, but I just didn't have it. Now that I'm back in NYC, I'm still struggling to make ends meet. Most times they just kinda wave at each other.

It's so shameful to me that I never talk about it. He's making moves to be secure. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to survive. As we get closer and I see more of who he is, I realize that he might be too good for me.

At the end of the day, that's the real fear. That I'm not good enough to be with him...that my shortcomings may be too much for him to overlook. It's a mess to me to think this way, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't.

Let's see what happens...

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