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No Rest

Writing is the way I deal with most things these days. It's easier for me to type than to talk sometimes. The way I see it, I can get everything out without having to answer questions about it.

This thing with Prince has me shaken.

I'm fully aware that he was human, and humans die every day. They're not designed to live forever. But when talking of someone as iconic as Prince, that's what you expect. They're not supposed to die when you're not ready. Or when there's no reason to think that they would. He wasn't even sick -- as far as we know.

Maybe if we knew more about him, this wouldn't be so hard. If we had an insight into what was actually going on in his life, it would make this easier.

My initial Facebook status when I heard the news was, "I do NOT want to believe this, and I don't want it to be true. As this news settles into my heart, I honestly can't handle it and I don't want to. Prince provided the soundtrack to so many memorable moments in my life. He may rest, but I certainly will not. Not for a while..."

I still feel that way. 

What makes me sad about Prince's death isn't him dying. Let's be honest -- he wasn't a relative or even a close friend. We never shared a laugh or a hug. It's what it symbolizes for me. He was the one I listened to when I wanted to be bad. (Remember Erotic City? Darling Nikki?) He was the one who made me feel grown when I was nowhere near adulthood. (I was a Hot Thing who had The Look) My teenage love letters were populated with his lyrics. (The Beautiful Ones? Adore, anyone?) Basically, his passing signals the end of an era. He joins Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Rick James, Teena Marie, and Luther Vandross as musicians who provided the soundtrack to my childhood & teenage years.

Straight up, this death thing is making me tired. I just lost my mentor last week. The work of mourning is too hard to have to do it often. Last year was a year of personal loss for me, and it was devastating. To have to start off this year losing people who mean something to me -- whether or not they know it -- is really trying to my soul.

Yes, I know I will get past this. Today, though, as my body betrays me yet again...I just don't know.

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
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