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Showing posts from July, 2015

New Boo Moves On...

New Boo has a new boo.

My homegirl told me that his homeboy let it slip.
I'm trying not to be upset, but I am.
I guess what hurts me most is that I thought what we had was real. I thought he loved me like he said he did. If, in fact, he loved me at all, he couldn't move on this fast. 
Clearly we were in different relationships. Which means that while I'm devastated, he's moving on.
I'm trying not to be upset, but I am.
Here I am, mourning the loss of the best relationship ever. And clearly none of it was real for him. He just played the role long enough to get over on me. And the bad part is that I'm not the only one he bamboozled and hoodwinked.
He lied to his friends, too. He told his former roommate that he couldn't pay him his back rent because he was paying bills at my house. He told me he couldn't help me out because he was paying bills at the other house. At the end of the day, he wasn't paying anyone but the bartender.
I'm trying not to …

Reality...or Something Like It

I miss him and I hate him.

That's about the sum total of my feelings right now.

It's so sad to me that a love that was so vibrant and sweet could end up like this. The thing that makes it so awful to me is that I still have a lot of love for him. But he's purposed it in his heart that my love is to be avoided like the plague.

I wish I could turn it off...this love I have for him. It would make my life a lot less complicated. But I can't.

My brother was talking to us about his wife. She's upset because he doesn't tell her things like, "I miss you." The way he sees it, if he didn't miss her, he wouldn't come home. Furthermore, the fact that he married her supersedes all the other trivial things.

I want to pull my new sister-in-law to the side and tell her my story. How I bent over backwards trying to please a man who had no intention of being with me forever. I want to share with her how many woman do everything in their power to get a man to do…

Blocked!

There will come a day when I won't be surprised by the shenanigans of New Boo.

Today is not that day.
I found out that he's back on Facebook with a new name. But when I searched it, nothing comes up for me. The only conclusion I can draw is that he's blocked me.
Why?
I didn't wrong him. HE wronged me, but I get blocked. 
I'm sure he's doing me a favor. After all, do I really need to cyberstalk him and find out what he's doing now that we're not together?
Probably not. But I want to. Don't judge me because I KNOW I'm not the only one.
But this lets me know that he has no interest in me being in any part of his life.
Moving on...

Lonesome...

I don't like being alone
I was doing pretty good, and then I ran across an article talking about how loneliness is detrimental to your health. I completely agree. That was one of the things I was so looking forward to with New Boo -- not being alone. Now that I'm back at square one again, it's not easy to negotiate.
And while I'm definitely firmly ensconced in the thought that I'm dodging a bullet by getting away from him, there are still things that come up for me. Like how much I loved his representative.
After the way our relationship played out, I'm completely convinced that I was dating someone else. The person I was dating was his best incarnation of himself, the person he wanted to be. That would've been great except for one thing -- you can't keep up a fake persona in a real relationship. And by the time he released his true self, I was so deluded by the pseudo-him that I couldn't take it.
I was thinking today how I would've taken him i…

For Adra...

I learned the importance of having friends from my mother. My mother was the youngest of five children, and her sister was 11 years older than her. Therefore, it was necessary for Mom to have girlfriends that functioned like sisters. My mom would spend hours talking and laughing with them, and I knew that having friends like that was something to look forward to in adulthood.

My mom had several friends like that. I always enjoyed going to see the ladies that had kids because I could have fun, too. But when there weren't children involved, I wasn't enthused to go. But there was one I always liked.
I loved Adra because she was on the radio. Even though she had a son that was older than me who had no time for me, I still enjoyed going to her house because she had personality. She knew how to make even the youngest guest feel welcome.
Fast forward to now. The spunky young women they were now live behind gray hair and dimming eyes. Now that I'm grown, I get a chance to stay in …

I Miss Him -- Not New Boo

I just realized that I miss The Man Formerly Known As The One.
With all the drama and hype of the New Boo breakup, my feelings about TMFKATO have kind of gotten lost in the sauce. I rarely think of the man who restored my hope in love the first time. He was the one who opened up my heart just enough for New Boo to slip in.
If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that part of the pain of losing New Boo is tied up in losing TMFKATO, too. I never really gave myself enough space to really mourn the loss of our relationship and his untimely death. As I looked at his sister's Facebook page, I thought about how much I loved him at one time, and it hit me.
I miss him.
He was moody, surly, aloof, bitter, and a lot of other things, but he loved me. He wanted to be my husband and give me babies and grow old with me. Unfortunately, he couldn't find his way out of the bottle long enough to be the man I needed him to be.
I find our love story to be quite tragic. Inasmuch as I wanted …

Vain Wishing...

I had the opportunity to meet with a woman who's a dating expert. When I told her about the situation with New Boo and I, she told me that I needed to take all of his pictures out of my phone.

I think she might be right.

Every time I see an image of him, I get sad all over again. If he's smiling, I wonder when everything went wrong. In the pictures I have of him when he's not posing, I wonder what's going through his mind. Basically, each photo makes me relive the moment and I don't need that right now.

Heck, I'm reliving the moments without the images anyway.

And I'm wondering...how do people do it? How do they make the love last?

What I wouldn't give to know.

What I wouldn't give to be able to go into those pictures and ask the hard questions myself.

Honestly, I'd like to ask him those questions now. But it's water under the bridge and as Granny would say, a vain wish.

Wallowing

When I told my mom about breaking up with New Boo, she told me that I'd probably be over this thing in two weeks -- IF I didn't wallow.

I think I might be wallowing.

There are days that start off okay. I get out of bed and I don't think about the fact that I'm lonely. But inevitably, something will remind me of my single status and I'll start crying all over again.

Today, it was takeout food and cooking shows.

Since he's been gone, I really haven't felt like cooking. I got used to preparing food for both of us. But now that it's just me, I don't always feel like going through the trouble. So I order takeout. And it makes me sad because I live in the hood, which means that healthy food won't come knocking at the door. After a lunch of bad Chinese, I was sad. Add to that an afternoon of Food Network programming, and I'm in tears.

I spent the last two nights at work so I wouldn't be here alone. But I don't want to go out again. I just w…

I Loved Him Once...

I loved him once.

No matter when I see New Boo again, I know I'll say that

I loved him once.

I poured my heart and soul into the man I thought was going to end my dating career and take care of my heart for the rest of my life. I thought he was going love me and cherish me and make me feel special until the end of time.

But alas, after all is said and done, all I can say is

I loved him once.

I gave him things reserved for the man of my dreams. I cooked. I cleaned. I made sure that everything was beautiful for this man. I wanted him to be able to relax when he came home from work. I wanted him to know that no matter what it was he wanted, it was always on the menu with me. I did that. What did he do? Take it all and leave me with nothing.

It's over now. And all I have to show for my dreams and good intentions is the notion that

I loved him once.

It is my prayer that I never see him with another girl. I hope that I never get to see him happy with someone else. And understand -- …

Making Love

Making love is an inaccurate term. Contrary to popular belief, love isn't manufactured in times of physical nakedness.
Love comes when people get emotionally naked with each other and share their souls. It happens when two people become vulnerable with each other. They create a safe, trusting space to become one in spirit, and each person's sense of loyalty allows them to keep the other's sensitive information under lock and key.
The more I think about what the problem was with New Boo, I realize we never made love. We had sex and I loved him. I can't say for sure that he loved me, but I know together we didn't have the kind of sustaining love we needed to make it last.
I was willing to bare my soul to him and I did. He made it seem like the space was safe. He shared things with me, too, but he was never vulnerable to me. And he never reciprocated the love I gave to him.
During our first few blissful months, I remember feeling that he wasn't as affectionate wit…

Is It Me?

I know I will get past the sinking feeling I have when I think of New Boo. It's like the bottom of my heart falls out everything he crosses my mind.

No matter how many times I hear him saying, "It's not you, it's me," in my mind, I can't help but pick myself apart. I don't want to...but it's inevitable.

Was I not pretty enough? Did I not keep a clean enough house? Did I really ask too much from him? Was I just not worth it to him?

I think that's the question that haunts me...that I'm not worth it. Because if he felt that way, maybe that's why I'm still single after all this time. Maybe every guy I've ever dated said, "She's okay, but she's not worth the effort it would take to be with her."

No one wants to feel that way -- me included -- but there comes a point in your life where you have to look at yourself with a critical eye to figure out why every relationship goes wrong. I'm not stupid enough to believe t…
I am so tired.

I can't believe I fell for the okie-dole again, but I did. And now I'm tired. I don't want to cry anymore, but I can't help it.

I was trying to watch TV this afternoon. "Sex and the City" is one of my favorite shows, and there's usually a marathon on Saturdays. I was watching when I saw Miranda and Steve. She was telling him that she was scared for him to move in with her, but she didn't want to lose him.

I lost it. Started crying and had to turn it off.

Now I may truly have to hate him. After all, he's cutting into to my TV time. And that's not fair.

I haven't heard from him since that last text. I accidentally sent him a repeat text, but he still didn't respond. Not that I expected him to...

I am so tired of trying. Tired of feeling. I just need to do. Not sure what because I don't feel like moving or anything. I want to cry, but I don't think he's worth it. I guess that's the only way to get it out, th…

The Final Straw...

I am so stupid.

Here I was thinking New Boo had love for me and wanted to be with me. All he wanted was a place to crash.

How do I know this?

I came home from work Friday morning to find all of his stuff -- the bags he showed up with at 4 in the morning -- gone. I was like, "Uh...what just happened here?" I called him to find out. He said that he took it to storage.

That was Lie #1. That fool was NOT taking anything to storage before work. But okay...if we're giving the benefit of the doubt, let's go with that. He took his toothbrush to storage???

Yeah, right.

I asked if he was coming home. He said, "I'll let you know later." My question was, why can't you let me know now? He was like, "Don't you have something to do?" No...I don't.

My original plan was to sit down and talk to him like an adult because -- for the first time since he showed up here this time -- I was going to be off work. He knew that, which is why he wanted to head…

What Just Happened Here?

What a difference 24 hours makes!

So when I left you yesterday, New Boo was miserable, and I was considering a date with someone else. What happened after that can only be described as insane.

I'm here working, singing, and trying to stay away and sane. At about 3:25am, I get a text from New Boo asking if I was up.

Now you must understand something. Unlike myself, New Boo goes to bed. I keep late hours. Not him. So I was shocked, to say the least. I was like, "Uh, yeah. Why are YOU up? Are you okay?" That's when he said that he couldn't sleep because he missed me. He was like, "Can I please come see you?" I didn't know what else to say, so I said yes.

Why did this fool show up here with bags? He brought his laundry and a couple of other things...like shoes. When he got in the door, he said he hadn't slept since he picked up his stuff the day before. Then he took me in his arms and cried, saying, "I'm so sorry."

Huh???

To say I was …

Feeling Better...

I spoke to New Boo today, and I'm feeling better about the whole thing. Why? Because he seems to be as miserable as I am. I know...that sounds kinda mean, but hey -- it is what it is. No need in me being alone in this drama.

I asked him if we'd ever be normal again, and he said, "That's the goal. Why? Do you have someone lined up already?" Honestly, I don't. I don't want anyone else. I just want to stop crying. He said, "I told you we are both still here and everything will be fine. Just give a me a little time. This is only temporary. Just keep doing your thing and things will be back to normal."
I hope he's right because I still love him dearly. And like I told you, I'm not through with him.
But I might have a date this weekend.
A couple of weeks ago, I met a guy when I was coming into my building. It was one of my good days when I hadn't been crying, and he was nice. He said he liked my smile and I decided to give him my number si…

I Am Not Through

I'm really not through.

New Boo and his stuff are out of my house. For real.

He was kind. He didn't take anything I wanted. And I helped him move it all to storage. Even though I don't think he wanted to, he drove me back home in the truck -- more than likely to avoid a teary scene.

If that was his thought, he was right. I can't stop crying. Every time I think about him being gone, I tear up again. It's not like I didn't know this day was coming. I was well aware of it. I asked for it. Clearly, there's something still here, and I feel like I'm not finished yet.

I still have hugs to get, conversations to have, meals to cook, questions to ask, moments to share, looks to decipher, love to give...

I'm really not through.

Even though everything we could possibly say to each other has been said now, my face is still wet with all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a couple. My heart still heaves with all the words that I want to say to him to make him st…

Yes...It Gets Worse

I thought the worst was over.

Clearly, I thought wrong.

New Boo got his stuff out today, just like I asked him. He said he did it because it wasn't fair to me. He also said that he was going to look for his own place so he could have peace of mind.

These are good things. I'm actually proud of him. He says he's still sober, and that's a good thing, too.

But I am not handling this well.

I decided to leave the house because there are just too many memories in there right now. Plus, he took my hope along with his stuff and I'm crying again.

So I went to a party. One of my DJ friends is celebrating 11 years tonight, and I hadn't seen him in about 11 years, so I went. It was a nice shindig. Not only did I meet his girlfriend -- who's lovely, by the way -- I also may have picked up a client for my latest side-hustle -- crotchet braiding.

I also met a couple of dudes. I danced with one and just talked to the other one. Nothing major because, hey, I'm not there …

He's Really Gone...

New Boo came by this morning and picked up his stuff. He got a U-Haul and took everything I didn't want out of my house.

It's all gone.

I should be relieved. Actually, I am. I thought he was coming here to try to weasel his way back into my house. And here's the killer -- I was actually prepared to let him. Then he comes here and acts like a man with integrity...like the man I fell in love with.

Yay?

I have to admit, I've spent a little time in tears today, but it's different. I told him I was proud of him for finally being a man of his word. And I am. I'm glad to see that he's trying to be a better person. I'm also glad that he's been thinking about who and what he is and how is actions have affected not just me, but all of the people in his life.

It looks like he's on his way to bigger and better things. So am I.

But I can't lie...this is more than I bargained for and more than I'm ready for.

He's really gone...

The bright side, th…

Taking Pause...

As we go into tomorrow's talk, I'm so apprehensive. Here's why...

I know if anyone told me the story of New Boo and I, I would tell them to run for the hills. Maybe that's what I SHOULD do. But when love is involved, everything is crazy.

As quiet as it's kept, I think I'm crazy to continue to love him. But I know that no one's perfect. And maybe...just maybe...the devil you know is better than the one you don't know.

Of course, I could just let him go and be by myself. But I've been that route and I like this being coupled up thing much better. But it's only good if we're both on the same page.

So we'll see where the boy is tomorrow...

The Crossroads...

NOW he wants to talk.

Now that we're on the verge of getting him completely out of my life, he wants to talk to me.

When he NEEDED to talk to me...to let me into his heart...he didn't have the time or the inclination to communicate with me.

New Boo says he wants to move forward with me, but only if we can do so without the grudges. In other words, he wants me to forgive him for all the foolishness he's done.

Can I do that? I don't know. Do I want to? I don't know.

It's always been said that a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. In other words, what you have in your hand is better than the possibility of something else. So if I decide to stay with New Boo, I know what I have with him. BC -- before the crazy -- he wasn't that bad. I was happy. I thought he loved me, and I was completely content with what we had.

Now?

Now I feel like his heart is fickle and can change at any given point. I feel like his love is only as true as he "feels"…

A Word That Comes and Goes...

To love or not to love -- that is the only question that counts.

It's easy for me to feel like I love New Boo when I'm alone. I can relive all the great memories I have of our relationship and tell myself that it can be like this again.

But then I see him and the reality of the past couple of months comes into focus. And I realize that no matter what I want to feel, reconciling it with what I see is a stretch.

I'm not stupid. I know that love is a choice we all have to make. Contrary to popular belief, we don't just "fall" into it. Even when we feel love coming on, it's still our choice to walk in it. Once you choose to do that, it changes the game. But we have to remember that it's still a daily choice.

Right now, I don't know that loving New Boo is a choice I want to make.

I chose to love him for for a little over 10 months. He, on the other hand, chose to stop loving me. The part that continually kills me is that he made this choice without giv…

Delayed Clarity...or Why I Did Something Stupid

I guess the question that's uppermost in my mind right now is WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???

I already know that New Boo is not to be trusted. So why did I let him come over? Why did I allow him in my bed?

That's been the sum total of my thoughts since it happened, and I realized what the problem is.

I have not been honest with him.

I have not told him that I know that he's been telling people that I pressed for our relationship. He doesn't know I know that he told people I made him meet my mom -- apparently he didn't really want to, but he never said that to me. And he has no clue that I know he told his friends that he was "taking care of home" all those months.

According to what HE thinks I know, this shouldn't be such a big deal. We should be able to eventually bounce back to where we were -- or at least somewhere close. I should be able to forgive him fairly easily.

But I know much more than he thinks I do. Now I think it's time for him to…

The Return of New Boo...One Month Later

You see this picture?
It sums up how I'm feeling this morning.

As of yesterday, New Boo and I have been broken up one month. It has been a month of hell for my heart and mind. I have cried more than I ever thought possible and I've had to face some very hard truths about myself and the man I gave my heart to.
He contacted me the day before with some, "Hi, Stranger." I can't lie -- as much as I've ALWAYS hated for anyone to call me a stranger, I was kinda glad to hear from him. As I told you before, that particular day was hard on me. I asked how he was doing, and he told me he was kinda sad because he missed making dinner for us. Next thing you know, I'm agreeing to him coming over to make dinner.
Should I have put up more resistance? Probably. Did I? Nope.
The next day, after a night of thinking about it, I said to him, "How about we do it tomorrow instead? I realize I have some other plans." He sent me a sad emoticon and said, "That's…

More Clarity

I'm on vacation this week. Yay me.

I thought that maybe -- JUST maybe -- I could take a break from writing.

Wrong answer.

I'm realizing that I actually need this release more than I thought. After a day of just being alone with my thoughts -- all of them -- I'm about to lose my mind.

I'm coming to grips with a couple of things...

One -- New Boo's aspirations are much lower than mine. When New Boo hit me up on Sunday, one of the things he said was that his back had been hurting. I asked why, and he said from sleeping on a crappy couch. The way I see it, he could've been sleeping in a bed with me. But apparently the thought of being with me is so unpleasant that he'd rather be uncomfortable than shape up to be with me. When I told my friend about it, she said, "Well, he's just not used to having nice things and being comfortable."

I thought about it, and I realized she was right! When the apartment we're living in now became available, I was…

Here We Go Again...

Why do I bother to watch TV?
"Mr. & Mrs. Smith" came on tonight. I thought it might be a good remedy to what's been ailing me today. What in the world could trigger tears in a nice action film?
Brad Pitt -- as John Smith -- said to Jane -- his now wife, Angelina Jolie -- "At the end, you start thinking about the beginning."
No truer words have been spoken. Especially when you start thinking that your whole relationship was a lie. 
So there I was...a mess. But I will say this...the crying spells are getting shorter. Whereas it used to take me about 20 minutes to get past a thing, it's only lasting about five now.
I am getting better.

Ultimatum

So I finally gave New Boo an ultimatum. He's got to get his stuff from my house.

It's been a month and he's made no moves to get his belongings. I know it's only because he knows I won't throw the stuff out. I have been making small strides toward it, though. His toothbrush and shower sponge are gone. But I'm not mean enough to get rid of his things.

So I told him that he needed to get it out this week. Unbeknownst to him, I'm off after today. He claims he won't be able to get it until next Monday. Ugh!!!

One more week with New Boo's things packed neatly in my closet.

In other news, one of the places we used to go -- that we discovered together -- got blown up last year in the East Village explosion. Now they're crowdfunding to open again.

Between that tidbit of news and what I'm having to do about his stuff, I'm drowning in tears again.

I know that this grief thing is a process...but I really do wish it would go faster...

I Am Going to Learn...

So, I finally heard from New Boo. After almost a week.

After a little small talk, he asked me if I was going to be at home this evening. I said I probably would, but I didn't commit to it either way. He implied that he was coming over after work.

It is now an hour after his store closed, and I haven't heard from him. I categorically refuse to ask if he's coming because if he really wants to come, he knows the drill.

So why am I telling you this?

Because even though I want to play the hard role, I was kinda looking forward to seeing him. But I will NOT beg him anymore. When we were dating, I thought it was okay. Now, not so much.

More than anything, I hate myself for getting my hopes when I know good and well that he's a liar who only wants to yank my chain from time to time. I know better...and yet, I'm disappointed.

I swear I'm gonna learn. Hopefully today.

Acceptance & Rejection, Part Two

As I reflect back on my relationship with New Boo, I realize there are so many ways that he never accepted me. He didn't think going to church was important, either.

Once, when we were really going through the roughness, I got up to go to church. He had told me that he was depressed, which was why he drank and wanted to smoke weed and stuff. So naturally, I invited him to go with me. He said, "Do I have to?" I told him that I'd never force him, but I added, "You're willing to try everything but Jesus, and He's in your budget." He just looked at me.

A little backstory -- I'm not one to wear my faith on my sleeve. However, it does inform my life in most ways. And while I never tried to force it on him, he knew how I felt about it. As for church, I haven't found a place in New York City that makes me feel at home. I'm still actively seeking, though.

That being said, I don't want to be with someone for the rest of my life that I can'…

Acceptance & Rejection, Part One

"He couldn't reject you because he never fully accepted you."

I think that statement right there has been the most profound one I've heard throughout this whole ordeal. And sadly, one of the most accurate.

Among the many details I didn't bother to bore you with was that New Boo thought I was "too sexual." What does that mean, you ask? He wanted someone with less of an appetite than I had -- and considerably less experience.

Now I should pause here and say that I was 43 when I met him and I wasn't a virgin. So yes, I have a past. I'm not ashamed of it, either. I wish I could say I'd married the first man I'd slept with, but I didn't. I'm not drop dead gorgeous, but I'm not a booga-wolf, either, so I've had my fair share of carnal relations. Most grown men are okay with that.

And then there's New Boo.

We had a conversation once where he told me that he was extremely jealous. He said that he didn't like thinking abou…

A Pause for the Cause...

I'm sorry that you only get the worst of me.

I use this blog to release the foolishness that threatens to overtake me time and time again.

When things are going good, you rarely hear from me. When I'm dying inside, I use this forum to bring myself back from the brink of destruction.

As quiet as it's kept, my life is far from awful. Right now I'm hurting because of what's going on with New Boo. But thankfully, all is not lost in my life -- even though my heart is broken almost beyond repair.

I just want to let you know that I appreciate you sticking with me when I'm sure you'd rather be somewhere more pleasant.

Happy 4th!
Like I said before, the grief over losing New Boo comes and goes. It was gone for a few days, but now it's back with a vengeance.

I haven't heard from him since Monday. That makes me so sad. I'm trying not to be, but I can't help it. I don't feel like we're friends because of all that's transpired between us. But I'm still concerned about him.

Honestly, I think he's probably found the next chick, which is why I don't rank high on his list of priorities. As painful as it is to think, knowing him...it's probably true.

But here's my reality -- I'm not through loving him.

I've dated guys that I was through with by the time it was over. I had my emotions neatly packed away, so all was well when I left. Because of the way this thing went down, I didn't have that opportunity.

Now I'm out here...emotions flapping in the wind.

And please know -- I'm well aware that there's no going back once a man says, "I like you. I…

Going Out...

This evening, I went to a happy hour. While I know thousands of people do it every day -- especially in New York City -- it was a big deal for me.

It's the first time I've been out since New Boo and I broke up.

And get this -- not only did I go out, have a few drinks, and got hit on by a sexy guy, I also sang at an open mic for the first time in forever. I won't bore you with the details, but know that it was good for me.

It's hard, but I'm learning to live again.

Changing the Scene...

I had to get out of this house. It was too much for me to stay here because I was just crying all the time. Fortunately, I was able to escape to a friend's house. Can I just say that the change of scenery did me good? It gave me some perspective on this situation.

Don't think that I'm over New Boo. But I'm beginning to see what was obvious to everyone but me -- New Boo did the best he could to love me. But in the end, I was just too much for him.

My friend explained it like this -- "You are a quart and he is a pint. No matter how wonderful and filling that pint is, it will never fill up a quart. And that's not the pint's fault. It's just the way it is."

That really helped me. I'm not sure why, but it did.

Like I said...I still love him dearly. But I'm beginning to get over the idea of us being together. He's making that really easy because he's not contacting me. I don't like that, but it's something I have to accept.

Now I…