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Acceptance & Rejection, Part One

"He couldn't reject you because he never fully accepted you."

I think that statement right there has been the most profound one I've heard throughout this whole ordeal. And sadly, one of the most accurate.

Among the many details I didn't bother to bore you with was that New Boo thought I was "too sexual." What does that mean, you ask? He wanted someone with less of an appetite than I had -- and considerably less experience.

Now I should pause here and say that I was 43 when I met him and I wasn't a virgin. So yes, I have a past. I'm not ashamed of it, either. I wish I could say I'd married the first man I'd slept with, but I didn't. I'm not drop dead gorgeous, but I'm not a booga-wolf, either, so I've had my fair share of carnal relations. Most grown men are okay with that.

And then there's New Boo.

We had a conversation once where he told me that he was extremely jealous. He said that he didn't like thinking about his women being with anyone else...ever. Mind you, this is a 42-year-old man who's been married and had two kids. I was like, "Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's not my story. And it's not like I'm some kind of drug addict or something." You know what he said to me? "I would rather think of you doing drugs than being with someone else."

Huh?

Is that not the most unrealistic thing you've ever heard?

Drug addict, yes. Sexually healthy woman, no?

I should've run when I heard that, but I didn't. Like so many things about me -- the fact that I've traveled, the fact that I have an active social life, the fact that I'm a friendly person -- I just kind of buried them in hopes that he would find me worthy of love.

And it worked -- or so I thought. At the end of the day, he still walked away from me. After I gave him all I had -- and then some -- he rejected all that I was. I was telling this to a friend of mine when she said, "He couldn't reject you because he never accepted you."

Can I just say that as painful and as harsh as it sounds, I believe it.

New Boo was never going to accept me as the vibrant human I am. In his mind, his woman needed to be less than him so he could be okay with himself. And guess what? I'm not less than on any level.

So yes, I'm still hurt. That probably won't change. But I swear I'm gonna try to move through this quickly so that the real man who's custom-made for me can come along and accept me -- flaws and all.

Comments

JB said…
That's what I love about you. You're vibrant, even in writing, even in sadness, even in grief. You are more than. You couldn't be less if you tried.

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…