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A Word That Comes and Goes...

To love or not to love -- that is the only question that counts.

It's easy for me to feel like I love New Boo when I'm alone. I can relive all the great memories I have of our relationship and tell myself that it can be like this again.

But then I see him and the reality of the past couple of months comes into focus. And I realize that no matter what I want to feel, reconciling it with what I see is a stretch.

I'm not stupid. I know that love is a choice we all have to make. Contrary to popular belief, we don't just "fall" into it. Even when we feel love coming on, it's still our choice to walk in it. Once you choose to do that, it changes the game. But we have to remember that it's still a daily choice.

Right now, I don't know that loving New Boo is a choice I want to make.

I chose to love him for for a little over 10 months. He, on the other hand, chose to stop loving me. The part that continually kills me is that he made this choice without giving me a chance to either stop him or know about it.

I guess that's what gives me pause when I look at this situation. He never gave me -- or us -- a chance. He looked at what we had and decided that it wasn't good enough for him. That's kinda unforgivable.

Right now, he's in survival mode. He really doesn't care about anything but having a place to rest his head. He can try to tell me different, but I don't believe him. What kills me again is that I don't even know what he could possibly do or say to convince me that he's for real.

When he came over the other night, he was concerned about my body language. My arms were crossed and I was very closed to him. Almost like I was protecting my heart. I need to learn how to protect my heart now because when I gave it to him for safe-keeping, he broke it.

Now I'm on the verge of gluing it back together with my tears, and I can't see myself handing over to him again. I don't know that he deserves it, and I certainly don't trust him with it right now.

But on the flip, the hope that springs eternal in my soul wants it to be like it was before the madness. Before the mundane set in and he believed that he had me hook, line, and sinker. I want him to look at me and see his future again. And I want to see mine in him.

I sometimes feel like I want too much. Like the things I want out of a relationship just aren't possible. I know that no one's perfect, and I wonder sometimes if you're supposed to work with what you have to make it what you want. Or better yet, modify your wants until you can be comfortable with what you have.

I'm not sure. Honestly, I'm not sure about anything. All I know right now is that love is something I need to feel for New Boo again, and I don't know that I can.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.