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Lonesome...

I don't like being alone

I was doing pretty good, and then I ran across an article talking about how loneliness is detrimental to your health. I completely agree. That was one of the things I was so looking forward to with New Boo -- not being alone. Now that I'm back at square one again, it's not easy to negotiate.

And while I'm definitely firmly ensconced in the thought that I'm dodging a bullet by getting away from him, there are still things that come up for me. Like how much I loved his representative.

After the way our relationship played out, I'm completely convinced that I was dating someone else. The person I was dating was his best incarnation of himself, the person he wanted to be. That would've been great except for one thing -- you can't keep up a fake persona in a real relationship. And by the time he released his true self, I was so deluded by the pseudo-him that I couldn't take it.

I was thinking today how I would've taken him if he'd been completely honest with me upfront. If he'd actually told me that he had four kids and two baby mamas, he was an alcoholic, or on drugs, would I have allowed myself to fall in love with him? Probably not. And he knew that. So he created this awesome man who I would've gone to the ends of the earth for. At the end of the day, the pressure to maintain the situation he created became too much for him.

Like I said...I realize I got out in time. I know that I'll get over this and do great and wonderful things in the future. But right now, I'm lonely.

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I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

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