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More Clarity

I'm on vacation this week. Yay me.

I thought that maybe -- JUST maybe -- I could take a break from writing.

Wrong answer.

I'm realizing that I actually need this release more than I thought. After a day of just being alone with my thoughts -- all of them -- I'm about to lose my mind.

I'm coming to grips with a couple of things...

One -- New Boo's aspirations are much lower than mine. When New Boo hit me up on Sunday, one of the things he said was that his back had been hurting. I asked why, and he said from sleeping on a crappy couch. The way I see it, he could've been sleeping in a bed with me. But apparently the thought of being with me is so unpleasant that he'd rather be uncomfortable than shape up to be with me. When I told my friend about it, she said, "Well, he's just not used to having nice things and being comfortable."

I thought about it, and I realized she was right! When the apartment we're living in now became available, I was discussing it with him. He was all in...until I told him the price. Then he said, "Maybe it's not so bad over here." (And by over here, I mean the Haunted House of Horrors.)

Listen -- just so YOU know -- I'm NOT going to work two jobs and live in a hell hole. Not if I can help it. He never wanted to move here, and I never understood why. Now I get it -- he knew he was going to have to sacrifice to live well, and he wasn't willing to do it. He's not willing to sacrifice for anything, which leads me to my next point...

He's not willing to fight for anything. There are some non-negotiables in my life. One, I'm not paying money to be uncomfortable. Two, I know I have to do what it takes to get the things I want out of life. And three, I'm willing to be uncomfortable if it means that I'll have what I want.

When I was still living in the room in Harlem, I needed a TV. He was willing to give me his because he said it was too small for him to see. By the time I wanted it, I was getting ready to move to the Haunted House of Horrors. That TV is so freakin' small that it's ridiculous. When we moved to the current spot, we brought the anorexic TV with us, with plans to get a new one. Here's the kicker -- he doesn't want to do layaway. When I suggested it -- because we were both broke -- he laughed at me. In his mind, there's no such thing as waiting. He wants everything right now -- which is why he has nothing.

Finally, he doesn't have a relationship with his mother or with his children. I've always heard that if a man doesn't treat his mother right or take care of his children, you can pretty much believe that he won't be good to you. For the most part, I've always believed it. But the way this man came up to me made me set that knowledge aside. WRONG ANSWER.

New Boo claims that he and his ex-wife don't get along, which is why he hasn't seen the kids. I call bullshit on that one. The way I see it, those are your kids, too. You need to get in there and fight for them. Of course, as I just told you, he's not willing to fight for anything. He told me, "They treated me like I was the worst person in the world in court, and I just said, 'Forget it.'"

Funny -- he said the same thing to me when we were ending our relationship. But I digress.

How do you say, "Forget it," when your kids are involved? You're so afraid of fighting and being uncomfortable that you'll just sacrifice your family? Yeah...I should've run the moment I heard that. What did I do? Try to figure out a way to make it work so he could be with them. Mind you, I didn't necessarily share my thoughts with him, but I definitely had them. I imagined them coming to visit us in our lovely home, and me being their stepmom.

As for his mother, I can count on one hand how many times he told me he communicated with her. I thought maybe he'd visit her sometimes. Nope -- and she lives in the state. My mom is well over 15-hundred miles away, and I speak to her at least six times a week. He told me once that he didn't talk to his mom when he lived with her. That was his justification for not talking to me when he lived here. You know what I said? "I'm not your mother."

Bottom line -- I'm dodging a bullet by getting away from him. Now that my head is processing this, maybe my heart won't hurt so much. I can only hope at this point...


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I can NOT believe what happened today.

I heard from New Boo. After five months.

I had blocked his number. He got a new one. He texted me. I didn't know it was him until he said, "It's your favorite 6'5."


Why did he call? Why did I talk to him? Why did we fall into a conversation like nothing ever happened? And why do I feel crazy?

He does not want to be in my life. I don't want him in my life -- not unless he wants to REALLY be in my life.

I wish I could reconcile my heart with the facts. I hate that he's put me in this position.

Why can't he love me like I need him to?