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Reality...or Something Like It

I miss him and I hate him.

That's about the sum total of my feelings right now.

It's so sad to me that a love that was so vibrant and sweet could end up like this. The thing that makes it so awful to me is that I still have a lot of love for him. But he's purposed it in his heart that my love is to be avoided like the plague.

I wish I could turn it off...this love I have for him. It would make my life a lot less complicated. But I can't.

My brother was talking to us about his wife. She's upset because he doesn't tell her things like, "I miss you." The way he sees it, if he didn't miss her, he wouldn't come home. Furthermore, the fact that he married her supersedes all the other trivial things.

I want to pull my new sister-in-law to the side and tell her my story. How I bent over backwards trying to please a man who had no intention of being with me forever. I want to share with her how many woman do everything in their power to get a man to do what my brother's doing for her to no avail. I want her to understand how hard it is in these streets and how words don't mean half as much as actions.

Right now, New Boo's actions are saying very clearly that he has no interest in me or anything concerning me. That's painful. But it's my new reality.

I want to keep it from becoming my sister-in-law's.


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I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

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Some people drink. Some smoke. I like to have sex. It quiets the voices in my head that talk crazy to me. For those brief, shining moments, I get to be the best of me. I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. No matter how fat I am, in that moment I'm able to make someone else feel good. That makes me feel good. Also,  I know how to relate on that level, so everything that I perceive to be wrong with me goes out the window.

MTB doesn't know this. Even though I've always felt this way, I don't talk about it. Most of the guys I know actually want sex. They probably use it the way I do -- as a feel-good situation.

Things with New Boo weren't like that. We had a real connection. Or at least I thought we…

The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…